Don't Own Anything.
-A/N- This has to do with Hetty's comment about roses, the promo for the next episode (1x12), and the way Kensi and G have been interacting through the past few episodes, like 1x09+... -
~ Kensi's POV ~
In our line of work, life isn't a bed of roses, despite Hetty wanting us to stop and smell them.
Our jobs and often our lives depend on the ability to lie, so it's easy to get caught up in things.
We don't get that chance to enjoy life and after awhile we forget.
My only relationship right now is with a colleague, G Callen, and it's just a friends-with-benefits thing.
That way no emotions get involved, and we can keep it from our job.
There's no love, and I'd forgotten how if feels to live and love another with unconditionally.
Except I just got a reminder, but it isn't the best time for it...
My regular blood work showed that I'm pregnant, and I'm going to keep the baby, even if right now it'll be hard for me to be a single mom.
I wish I could say the father will help, but I don't know how G will take it.
He was the one that wanted us to keep it simple, just the occasional night when we're both down and in need of human contact.
However, I fell in love, I disobeyed the "rules", if our relationship even had rules.
I didn't mean to get pregnant, but it happened, and I remember what it's like to love unconditionally.
I haven't told G yet, and I don't know how to... How do you tell a man he's a dad, especially when the chance of him rejecting you is so high?
Yet, I didn't have to tell him that to make him pull away, he already started.
Before Abby came to LA, he began to distance himself from me, during that case, he seemed almost bitter with me.
When we went undercover as the couple getting divorced, the anger seemed real, so...
Instead of telling him, I think I'll keep it a secret for now.
I don't know if I could handle the rejection, I love him too much...
~ During Brimstone (1x10) ~
When we first got the bombing case, our relationship seemed normal, with G and Sam teaming up to tease me about my dating life.
However, the woman's story was a lot like my own, or at least how I thought it would be.
I think that if G found out I was pregnant, he'd leave me...
As soon as I finished her sentence, I could feel G's eyes on me, maybe he had heard the softness in my voice, the understanding.
But, he had been looking at me curiously all day, actually since the moment I got to work.
It could have been the the touch on his arm, but we've always been comfortable with touches and things, even before we got together that first time.
When he asked if I still had that wench's outfit, he seemed almost mean.
Facing the bomb scared me, if the outcome had been different, me and my baby could be dead, so could G, Sam, and the other two.
The time I took going back to the office helped calm my nerves and when we got there, everything was fine.
G, Sam and Hetty all looked at me strangely when I denied the scotch, however I hadn't started to show, so it was easy to make them believe I wasn't feeling good.
I just grabbed some water and as I met G's eyes when we did a toast, I got a smile from him.
Maybe there was hope for us, maybe something good could happen...
~ During Breach (1x11) ~
While we were investigating the case where the guy ran into the stripper club, he was almost normal at the beginning.
His attitude was the same as always, even though I almost blew it by puking at the guy's house.
I don't think my baby likes dead bodies, but luckily Sam and G were talking when I turned green.
Our banter while going to the woman's house was light, teasing, but he seemed a bit different until we caught the terrorist.
After that, he acted like everything was okay, so I followed his lead.
Even though we slept together a few times, I didn't have the right to act concerned.
He had made it clear from the beginning that no emotions were to get involved.
I slipped up while we were talking, the baby kicked, so I placed my hand over my stomach and smiled.
However, G said something at the same time that could have made me smile too, so no questions were asked.
It hurt that I wasn't able to give him a hug or kiss goodbye, instead of the comment I made before I left.
Glancing at Sam's face, it was easy to tell that him and G would be going for a run tonight.
I knew I had no right to demand any of his time or even ask if he could come over after.
They called, and I went to pick them up.
If they were surprised by the fact I looked even worse than they did after running for hours, not one comment was made as they got in the car.
We drove for a few minutes until Sam broke the silence, "Why do you look like crap Kensi?"
I met his gaze in the mirror, "You guys caught me in the middle of something."
"Another one of your serial dates?"
I gave Sam a glare to let him know what I thought of his question, and peeked a glance at G.
His face was like stone, and for someone who said no emotions, he looked awfully jealous.
It gave me a bit of pleasure to know I actually meant something to him, and my tone was purposely mild when I responded, "So what if I was? Just be glad I came to get you."
I felt a bit guilty over saying that. Truthfully, I had been bent over the toilet puking my guts out when they called. My baby wasn't a fan of the dinner I had eaten.
It was quiet until we got back to the city and G spoke for the first time, "Drop Sam off first, he's closer."
From the look on his face, it was obvious he wanted to talk to me alone.
I got the message and nodded, "Sure."
Aside from Sam's thanks and goodbye, the car was silent until I pulled up by G's place.
"Were you actually with another guy?"
Since I had just found out the baby's gender was a girl I was able to answer honestly, "No. Only females, but what does it matter to you? I thought fidelity and emotions weren't involved in this? Besides, I haven't slept with another guy since we started whatever this is."
"It's not." He looked over, "And I haven't been with anyone else either."
I fiddled with the mirror, "Good for you, but it wouldn't matter anyway. We aren't even in a relationship."
"I know, but I think you're hiding something Kensi."
I finally met his eyes, "I'm not, okay?"
"I don't believe you Kensi."
I started the car, "Whatever. Good night G."
He got out and slammed the door, "Fine. Bye Kensi."
I got halfway to my house before I pulled over and started crying.
G had been angry, and somehow, I knew our relationship was over.
My hand covered the baby, maybe this was best. I could put in for a transfer and be gone before he knew.
Rubbing the tears away, I put the car in gear and headed home.
***
We hardly talked after that.
Pulling away was a defense mechanism for both of us.
It was hard, but I knew it had to be done.
Hetty was a little shocked at my transfer request, however, she gave me a look of sympathy.
I had two weeks before I would know whether I was accepted, even though my bags were packed at home.
All I had to do was make sure no one found out, especially G.
The only ally I had right now was my baby, she was the only one who wouldn't hurt me right now...
