Depression is a funny thing. I could be the envy of a thousand people's eyes, but in my own eyes, I am nothing.
xxx
Letter No: One
Date: November 17th
To Dear Finn,
I know, we haven't talked in a long time, I rarely go on my email anymore... sometimes it's just easier to stay away from everyone and everything. I have been feeling better, well better than before at least. I know the last time we talked it got complicated, I wanted to tell you about my suicide attempt but it's hard for me. I've given it time and it's something I want you to know, because I care about you. There's a lot about myself that I kept out of our emails all these years, mostly because it's dark but I think you're ready to hear it.
It's hard to describe, but I've had depression for about 4 years now, it started after Shelby died, I'd come to love her and it was just as I was getting to appreciate her as my mother she was taken from me. My reaction to her death was not normal, I became secluded, I stopped going out, and I ended up burning a lot of my friendships. I was taken to a physiatrist, there they put me on medication and you know for about a year I was actually okay or semi-okay. But it's like there's this thing inside me that says oh look Rachel's getting happy again we better put an end to it.
I loved James, I loved him so much, but he could never love me enough to not kill himself. But you already know that story. I guess I've never been the same person. How I feel most of the time now is complicated. I would say that about 40% of the time I'm just me my normal self. But it's like I have these phases where I am completely emotionless, and I can't feel anything; nothing at all I'm not happy or sad, or angry, or lonely, there is just nothing, and everything around me feels dormant. It's like I want to feel upset and angry but I can't and it feels as if my life is pointless.
Sometimes these phases last a few days sometimes weeks. When I come out of the phases I'm a complete wreck, I cry uncontrollably, I'm incredibly angry and self harmful. It's like I'm angry at having not been able to feel. After I come out of one of these phases I'm often sent to hospital. So then after about a week I'll start to become less angry and upset and slowly I start to feel better, but I always know that there's only a matter of time before it happens again. It's during this time that I often feel depressed and feeling like I want to end.
It's like every single medication I've been put on has made me feel less depressed but it has never stopped one of these phases, and no one ever knows how they happen or why. And it scares me, because I don't know what's wrong with me, I stop feeling like myself, and I can't be normal anymore.
I know you want to see me again, I'm not sure now is the right time, unless you're prepared to see this thing that I have now become.
- Rachel.
Tell me your thoughts!
E.
