GUYS. It's been way, way, way, waaaayyy too long. I know I promised a way long time ago that I would publish a second anthology of oneshots to go with Imagine Dragons second album at the end of Night Visions, and I'm finally back to start honoring that promise.

**A/N 1: This is probably going to be a slow go for a while, because right now I only have a few completed stories. Life has been crazy for the past year and I haven't had the time or the motivation to write for a while. Things aren't really less crazy in my life, but I'm hoping that by getting this posted that I (and all of your lovely reviews) will be able to push myself to start writing regularly again. Right now I have about the first three done, and then we'll go from there.

A/N 2: Obviously, a lot has happened in the Five-0 World since I was last publishing. I'm beyond sad that we're losing Chin and Kono on the show, but 100000% support Daniel Dae Kim and Grace Park's decision and fight for equality. Regardless of cast changes as we start the new season, though, these oneshots will pretty much all include the original team (and Lou, when he fits in-I swear, I have the hardest time writing him). Oh, and because I cannot remember for the life of me the new governor, Denning is still in charge in this universe.

***A/N 3: This story comes from the prompt of a Guest reviewer on Night Visions: "Can you do a misunderstood situation leaves the team feeling Steve has betrayed or wronged them. Angstyness ensues." I'm not sure I'm happy with how this one turned out, but if I keep tinkering with it and playing with it, I'd never post, so I'd love to have any and all feedback. Hopefully, I did the prompt justice. Also, this hasn't been beta'd, so all mistakes are my own.

Standard disclaimers apply.


"I'm sorry for everything,

Oh, everything I've done.

From the second I was born it seems I had a loaded gun.

And then I shot, shot, shot a hole through everything I loved."

It had been a bad case from start to finish. A robbery involving fresh Navy recruits off the base had sent Steve into military-mode so fast it made Danny' head spin, but in a frustratingly protective sort of what. The constant fighting that had ensued between Steve and the rest of the team had put them all on edge, and on an opposite side of their leader, who firmly maintained the sailors' innocence.

When they had gotten called to the scene of a robbery in progress, everything felt tense, unsure, off from their normal routine and behavior for handling situations like this.

At least, that's what Danny was attributing their current predicament to. Their current predicament being Lou standing over the body of a suspected robber he'd just shot in what he said was self-defense, but with no gun in sight and a ransom note in the guy's pocket that told the sailor that if he didn't follow instructions and rob three specific banks, his son and daughter would be killed.

It was just about as bad as it could get, let alone the fact that Five-0 had barged in on the scene, interrupting SWAT's negotiations and escalating tensions. It was bad from start to finish, and Danny knew that a massive shit-storm was heading their way, regardless of whether it was right for Lou to pull the trigger or not. He knew it was coming because SWAT was bound to complain to the governor, he knew it was coming from the fact that the Navy was bound to get involved, but most of all he knew it because of the look on Steve's face.

It wasn't the fact that Steve had a particular look on his face; rather, it was that he had no expression at all. He was hiding behind a carefully constructed mask as he surveyed the chaos of the scene around him, a mask that Danny had seen only rarely, only when his partner was analyzing a situation and not liking the end result he was coming to.

Danny hesitated where he stood, not sure if he wanted to go talk to Steve or hang back and simply try to disappear, but finally he worked up his courage and made his way over to his best friend. "Steve, what are—"

Danny didn't even get to finish his sentence, wasn't sure even necessarily what he was going to ask, when Steve cut him off quickly and efficiently. "Have we questioned any of the others yet about the ransom note?"

"No, SWAT was still securing them at—"

Again, Steve cut him off; like his brain was three steps ahead and he couldn't even wait to have Danny finish his sentence. "You and Chin need to go talk to them right away, see what information you can get out of them about the kids, but make sure you both have an HPD officer with you at all times. Make sure Lou sits this one out, and make sure he gives his full statement to HPD as soon as possible, and I want Kono there with him when he does."

"Steve?" Danny didn't even ask more than that, knew that all of his questions were conveyed in that single word.

"With everything that happened last year with Abby's investigation, they're already watching us more closely than usual. Now with this, with Lou, they're going to be coming at us hard, and I want someone outside of our team to be able to corroborate anything that's said and done from here on out."

"You don't trust us?"

Steve shot Danny a dark look. "Of course I do, but no one else is going to. More problematically, the governor isn't too happy with us at the moment anyway, and so he's not going to."

"Wait, since when is Denning pissed at us?" He narrowed his eyes at his partner, anger that was already simmering at the surface from their current situation rising up quickly. "What haven't you been telling me?"

"Danny, I—"

This time it was Danny's turn to cut his partner off. "Don't try to bullshit me here, Steven. What is going on?"

The taller man sighed, the only hint that Danny could see of the SEAL's emotions at the moment. "I have a lot of conversations with the governor that you don't always hear about, Danny. Including multiple conversations about how unhappy he was that he had to find out after the fact that Robert Coughlin was spearheading an investigation into the team."

"That's on Coughlin for not going through the appropriate channels."

"Maybe it is, but good old Gov isn't happy that our team even could have been doing things that would have warranted an outside investigation in the first place."

"He's the one that gave us means and immunity!" Danny replied angrily.

"What was or wasn't given doesn't really matter to a politician when re-election times comes rolling around, Danny. Right now, he thinks we're toeing the line, and none of this is going to help the situation any. So just start working to find those kids as soon as possible, have Lou give his statement, and just make sure you have someone there to observe you and backup what you're doing at all times. I want to be able to prove everything we did was above board form this moment forward. Got it?"

For a moment, Danny felt a ridiculous urge to snap his heels together and salute, a urge he quickly and fervently squashed. "And where are you going to be going while all of this is happening?"

"To talk to the governor, of course."

Just as Steve was turning away from Danny to leave, his phone rang. Danny saw the governor's name on the screen before his partner picked it up, and the blonde subtly shifted closer so that he could hear.

"This is McGarrett."

"I heard about the incident today. You and I need to have a serious conversation about your future and the future of this team. This is unacceptable."

"Yes, sir."

"You need to decide if you're going down with this sinking ship, or if you're going to wizen up and make use of your talents elsewhere. Believe me, I'd love to hold you accountable for this whole mess, but I've got a Navy guy here who seems to think you're more useful to us motivated, so you better seriously consider whether you want to choose between a dishonorable discharge or making this right on your own. I expect you here within the hour. Are we clear?"

"Crystal, sir." Without another word, Steve hung up the phone, spared one backward glance at Danny, said, "I'll talk to you later," and then walked away, leaving Danny totally unsure of what he had just heard.


After that, they didn't hear from Steve.

The remaining team members did exactly what he'd asked, followed all of HPD's instructions, and started searching for the missing kids. But through all of it, it had been sheer silence from the leader of their task force.

Finally, hours later, they received word—but not from the source itself. Instead, Jerry came rushing into the top level of headquarters, worry all over his face. "What's going on, guys?"

Danny looked up at the other man, trying to figure out what the conspiracy theorist was asking. "With the case?"

"With Steve," Jerry replied, looking like he could start wringing his hands in anxiety any second.

"What are you talking about?" Chin asked sharply, his typing paused.

"Well, I was out, talking to one of my contacts to see if anyone had heard anything about the kids—and they hadn't—but I called Steve to update him anyway, but he didn't pick up. So I tried him a few more times and got nothing, and then I got worried because of everything that's going on and I maybe or maybe not pinged his cell phone. Just to see where he was and make sure that he was okay. And it turned out he was at the governor's so I went there, and—"

"Wait, wait," Danny interjected, "are you tracking us?"

Jerry glanced away, sheepish. "Only when I have to, but that's not the point here! Anyway, I pulled in just as he was walking out with the governor and some guy who liked like he was from the Navy. And he shook both their hands, but then left with the Navy guy."

"Okay, but that could be anything, Jerry." Chin replied, his voice much calmer. "He could be going to talk to our victim's wife, or to verify the guy's story, or—"

"But why wouldn't he check in or answer any of my calls?" Jerry was clearly still uncertain, and that uncertainty seemed to fill all the space in the room as his sentence hung in the sudden silence. "All I'm saying is that something feels hinky."

"You always think something is hinky, Jerry," Danny replied with a smirk, although the expression on his face was at war with the sudden unease he felt inside. It had been hours since he'd heard from Steve and normally, even when there was big stuff happening, Steve found a way to update at least Danny.

"And look how often I'm right," Jerry retorted indignantly. "What if something's wrong?"

"He told us he'd be keeping space, especially from Lou, so that HPD could do their work without interruption," Chin said, still the voice of reason. "It's probably just that and he's smoothing things over on the Navy's end."

"But wouldn't he have let us know if there was an update of any kind? What if he's in trouble with the Navy—like personally—over all of this?"

At Jerry's question, Danny's heart sank even further as a terrible thought came into his head, one he didn't want to listen to, one he couldn't believe himself having after knowing McGarrett for seven years and knowing how loyal he was. But Danny had heard the phone call, had heard the Governor's words. And once the thought was in his head, he couldn't stop it from coming out his mouth. "Or he hasn't called to check in because he made his own deal with the Governor and the Navy."

Chin looked at Danny, confusion and disbelief clear in his eyes. "You really think Steve hung us out to dry? You can't be serious."

Danny was silent for a moment, pinching the bridge of his nose to try to stave off the headache he could feel forming. "I mean, he hasn't called to give us an update, although clearly something's happened. Which, fine, I could understand in all the craziness of the day. But both the Navy and the Governor are pissed off at us right now, and maybe the stakes are higher for him because he's technically still owned by them. And Steve loves the Navy more than anything else, so if it came down to defending this team and going down with us, or making his own deal to save his career and reputation with the Navy, which do you think he'd choose?" Danny paused for a moment, and then proceeded to fill them in about the phone call he'd overheard before Steve had left. "If they were threatening him with a dishonorable discharge, don't you think he'd do anything to stop that?"

Chin didn't waiver for a second, even with the information about the phone call, and when he spoke, his voice was full of disappointment. "I think, faced with that choice, he would choose us. He would choose us, Danny, and I can't believe that you of all people would doubt him like this. He's always been there, for each of us, whenever we needed him."

"I know that!" Danny replied, his anguish coming through. "He'd done things for me that no one else would have, and I'm not saying that this is what's happened, I'm just saying it could explain things. The Navy, the guys he served with, they were his family long before we were, and I think sometimes he's just looking for an excuse to go back to them. Back to the people that have known him and been with him through the worst of it. What if this is his excuse? What if he made his own deal, took his own punishment, and is dealing with his issues by himself? He's done it before."

"But never at our expense, Danny. When everyone thought he'd killed Laura Hill and then Governor Jameson and he was off on his own, everything he did affected him. He didn't do anything to hurt us, made sure to keep us out of it. Just because you're determined to always see the worst in him doesn't mean I am."

"I'm not—that's not…" Danny trailed off, knowing that no matter what he said, Chin would still see his thoughts as a betrayal of Steve. "I'm just saying it's possible."

Chin shook his head." I can't believe that it is. I can't believe that you'd think that. You're his best friend—how can you doubt his loyalty?"

"I'm not doubting his loyalty, and I'm not saying that he'd just forget us in an instant. But you're right. I am his best friend and I know him better than anyone. And I know that whether he says it or not, the Navy has always been his backup plan. That if things stopped working here, if Five-0 fell apart for some reason, he'd have something to go back to. But if that was threatened, if someone told him the safety-net of his second home would be taken away, don't you think that there'd be a chance that he'd insure his future? After all, if some governor down the line decided to disband the team, what would he do? You and I—hell, even Kono—would wind up at HPD, and Lou would either make it back to SWAT or take up golfing. But Steve? He wouldn't go join HPD be a park of the rank and file, have to answer to someone about his investigative practices. He may be used to taking orders from the Navy, but no way is he going to go through the academy, fight the politics and the mundaneness of it all.

"Can you see McGarrett as a patrol cop? Having to be trained by a more experienced officer? He's never been through any official training, and he'd have to get some no matter where he ended up at the end of the day. He's practically made us into a paramilitary police force—you think he could give that up for rules and regulations and police politics? No way. He'd go back to the Navy, and I'm not sure I'd blame him because he'd be miserable otherwise. He's got too much of a hero complex and too much wanderlust to stay here without a clear purpose. So yeah. I think that if he saw that other option being threatened, he'd do what he felt was necessary. Even if it meant disengaging from us."

"You seem pretty calm for someone who thinks their best friend is going to abandon them," Chin pushed back, not even acknowledging anything Danny had said.

"God, Chin, of course I'm calm because this is all theoretical and we have no idea what's happening! I said it was possible, not that I knew for a fact he'd be shipping out soon. He probably just hasn't had time to call and Jerry is overreacting! I don't think he's leaving us to deal with the fallout of everything on our own and riding off into the sunset, okay? I'm just playing devil's advocate."

Chin raised his hands in surrender, realizing for the first time that in some point during their argument, Jerry had quietly left the room. "Okay. Just so long as we're on the same page here. Because you'd feel like a real ass if you said all that, stood by it, and then were wrong."

Danny immaturely felt like rolling his eyes in response, but managed to refrain. "I'm not a shitty best friend for recognizing the possibility of that scenario."

"No," Chin agreed, some of his anger appearing to dissipate. ""But he's had too many people not believe in him or screw him over in his life, and I'd hate for any of us to be the next one."

Danny nodded, but didn't say anything, couldn't find the words as guilt and self-recrimination started to creep in now that his back wasn't against the wall. Steve had had plenty of opportunities to leave over the years but had never taken them, and even though Chin had let him off the hook, he was starting to feel as shitty as the Hawaiian man had said he should. "Please don't say anything to—"

"It's forgotten, Danny," Chin said with a tired smile. "We should see if Kono has had any headway on finding the kids."


Their attempts to reach Kono were unsuccessful, but she walked in the door a few minutes later, a smile on her face. "We got them!"

"Oh, thank god," Danny said, sagging against the table in relief. "How?"

"Well, using the cellphone data Chin sent us, we managed to work with HPD to isolate the number being used to pass along the instructions, and then triangulated it, and…" She trailed off, with a shrug. "I can give you a full rundown later, but main point is that HPD picked them up half an hour ago. Lou gave his statement to HPD and they're processing everything, but it looks like he'll be cleared since the guy had had a gun and Lou thought he still did when he fired. Not great and not a clean shot, but I don't think they'll charge him."

"Good," Danny said with ta nod. "That's good."

"Yeah, definitely. Any word from Steve?"

Danny forced himself not to guiltily meet Chin's eyes. "Not yet."

"From the governor?"

"He wants to meet with us ASAP," a new voice said, and the three of them looked up as Lou walked into the office. "I figured we would go over together."

"Did he say for what? Why'd he call you? Did he say anything about Steve?" Danny's questions were rapid fire, his need to know something outweighing anything else.

But Lou just swallowed and looked to the ground, clearly still affected by today's events, and then answered each question slowly. "Disciplinary action. I was already on the phone with him when he let me know about meeting with all of us. I figured I should personally offer my resignation. And no, nothing about Steve."

"Oh, Lou," Kono said, stepping up to give the bigger man a hug. "You're not going to resign. We'll get through this together, as a team."

This time, Danny did meet Chin's gaze, and he couldn't stop the wave of shame that crashed over him. In an effort to ward off anymore unwanted feelings, he pulled his keys out of his pocket and waived them in the air. "Well, let's get this party on the road. I'm sure Steve will meet us there."


Except he didn't.

As the remaining members of Five-0 piled out of their cars and were escorted into the governor's mansion, and then into his office, Steve wasn't anywhere. Danny could feel his nerves start up, the uncertainty of their position coupled with the obvious lack of his best friend making everything worse.

And so, when the governor walked in, Danny couldn't stop the question from immediately popping out of his mouth. "Where's Steve?"

"Commander McGarrett will not be joining us this evening," the man replied as he took a seat behind his desk.

"Excuse me? Steve's our boss and if you're going to be discussing any punishments for the team, I'm pretty sure he should be here," Danny replied angrily.

"Actually no, Detective Williams, because Commander McGarrett is no longer your boss."

"Excuse me, what?" Kono's sharp voice cuts through the immediate silence that had ensued after the governor's comment. "What the hell do you mean?"

"Why don't you all take a seat and then we can proceed," Denning said politely, indicating the chairs behind them, but when none of them made to move, he sighed and kept going. "I don't want to imply that the Commander hung you all out to dry, but he did feel that it was better for his own prospects to get ahead of this and make his own deal with the Navy, leaving me to appoint someone else as the head of this task force."

"This is a joke, right?" Chin's tone was calm, but Danny could read the anger. "You honestly believe us to expect that the man that brought us all together is just abandoning us? And besides, you're his boss—what's the Navy doing being involved in anything so much as to be necessary for disciplinary action? Why the hell would you even let them factor in?"

"Believe what you will, Lieutenant Kelly, but I can only give you the facts as I know them. To answer your questions, this was supposed to be a joint investigation with Five-0 and NCIS, and while events progressed before NCIS could get officially up to speed and involved in the case, the Navy still had interest in the outcome. Furthermore, Commander McGarrett is still in the Navy—yes," he said, holding off his hands to stop the protests he obviously knew were coming, "yes, in a reservist position, I know, but still a part of the military. Because of these factors, the Navy felt that they had some say in what disciplinary actions should be taken against the task force that killed one of its active duty members. And yes, I know that Captain Grover, you've been cleared as HPD has since found where the petty officer had thrown his gun during the chase, unknowingly to you, and knew that you were acting on the good faith that he had had a weapon when you started chasing him. But there is obviously still the matter that your team butted yourselves into a situation that was already handled and that resulted in the death of an individual who had been coerced into committing a crime, and whose children had been kidnapped. You can see how they might be a tad bit unhappy about the whole situation."

"But Steve would never just leave us like that. If the team were going down, he'd be right here with us. He'd never leave us to deal with the consequences of this afternoon on our own. He firmly believes that the buck stops with him," Chin responded, his emotions started to unravel just a bit, "and so with all due respect, I don't think you're telling us the whole story, sir."

Denning's eyes narrowed just a bit in annoyance. "Let me be more clear. Commander McGarrett did not escape punishment, though I can see how it must feel that way when he has left you to deal with a different reprimand. Yours being this: The four of you will be suspended for two weeks without pay while I conduct the search for a new head of this task force, one who will presumably play better with others.

"Because, you see, the buck did stop with him, and so I offered Commander McGarrett the choice to step down as leader and continue to serve Five-0 after his suspension under a leader of my choosing, or resign altogether. It is, after all, only fitting that the Commander should removed as the head of this unit, but I gave him the option to remain with the team. The Commander, however, chose to resign from the team and work out whatever he could with the Navy. To be honest, I'm assuming that he'll be leaving Hawaii immediately."

Danny felt like his heart had dropped out of his chest, through his legs, out the floor, and into the ground below at Denning's statement, the way he had so casually thrown out there that not only was his partner off the team, he was apparently back in the Navy, probably off island already, and oh by the way, had done so all of his own free choosing. He was pure devastation for a moment, not caring about his own upcoming suspension, and then he just felt numb.

Steve, who he had given up so much for, who he had worried and fretted over, who he had poured his heart out to on multiple occasions, who he considered a brother...he'd just up and left, like in the end, none of it had mattered. And after that realization hit, it was like something inside of Danny broke, and he just couldn't even begin to process it. He distantly registered that he'd be very, very angry when he did come to fully realize what was happening, but for the moment he almost enjoyed the sense of senselessness he felt right now.

He allowed himself to zone out, to ignore the rest of the discussion, ignore the rest of their punishment, ignore the rest of his team, and most certainly to ignore the voice in his head that mocked him for suspecting something like this was going to happen earlier, and then backing down and thinking everything would be okay.

He let himself be totally adrift and unthinking, coming back to himself only when he felt a hand clap him on his shoulder, and looked up to see Kono guiding him out of the governor's office, her other hand dragging her cousin along behind her. "Come on, guys. I think all of us could use a drink."

They wound up at a bar that they had frequented multiple times as a team, and even the thought that their team was no longer whole, no longer what it was twenty-four hours previous didn't start to burn away at the edges of Danny's numbness. The four of them sat at their normal table, a little roomier than usual, not saying much and the longer the silence drug on, the more angry Danny finally started to get. Finally, he slammed his third—fourth?—drink on the table, and pushed it away from him, still somehow in enough control of himself not to slam it on the floor like he wanted to. "This is bullshit."

Kono met his eyes, and Danny could see the same fire of betrayal burning in her eyes. "Yeah, pretty much."

"It's just, he just…left." He tried to keep his hands in his lap, tried to resist the urge to break something. "All those times he bitched about people doing it to him, all the times that he apologized for doing it to us, promised he'd never do it again—it meant nothing. He still just left."

"Maybe there's more to the story, more than we know," Chin cut in, rolling his beer bottle between his hands. "Denning was careful to say that he was only able to give us 'the facts as he knew them'—what if that means there's more than he knows, and there's something bigger going on?"

"Right, sure, because if there was something else going on, Steve wouldn't be too chickenshit to let us know? You think that if there was some sort of big conspiracy here that Steve wouldn't try to find a way to say something to us, to say goodbye? I think what's happening is exactly what it looks like: McGarrett chose to do whatever the hell he wanted and chose to do whatever the hell benefitted him the most because he's selfish and stupid and is now too gutless to even have the decency to tell us what he's doing."

"You know that's not true," Chin tried to reason. "Steve has been many things, even been stupid sometimes, but when has he ever been selfish?"

Danny was too angry now to recognize the validity of Chin's words, to acknowledge that in his rage he was selling Steve short on so many levels. He was too furious to give Steve any credit, any sort of reprieve. "He probably knew the second that he walked away from that crime scene today that something like this was going to happen, and never once did he think that it was a good idea to maybe, I don't know, pick up the phone and say goodbye?" He didn't want to hear what Chin was going to say, didn't want to give him a chance to respond and defend Steve any more, so he turned to Lou and let some of his viciousness float towards the former SWAT captain. "And you're awfully quiet over here, Lou. You going to just run away with Super SEAL too? Leave us all behind? Maybe back to Chicago?"

"Danny—" Chin started to reprimand, admonish, Danny didn't know, but Lou finally opened his mouth first.

"I'm sorry, guys, this is all my fault. If I'd just been slower, more patient at the scene, maybe all of this could have been avoided."

"No, this is all Steve's fault for dragging us there, going off halfcocked and insane as always," Danny replied, his agitation towards Grover calming in his inability to let anyone take the blame other than who he saw as the guilty party: Steve.

"Danny, I think—"

Danny cut Chin off before he could try again. "Look, Chin, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but honestly, I'm too pissed and too drunk to say anything nice or play like my best friend didn't just stab me in the back and walk away without a word, so I'm going to go get some air, and then I'm going to go home and try to forget that today, and maybe the last seven years, ever happened."

With that, Danny threw a few bills on the table to cover his drinks and then made his way out of the bar, fists clenching in rage but unable to hit the one person he felt truly deserved it right now. He hailed a cab, rode home with his blood still hot, and went straight—sparing one brief thought of thankfulness that Grace wasn't there that weekend—to his liquor cabinet, since nothing else seemed to be helping.

As he took a long sip of the whiskey in his hand, Danny gave into his anger, his sense of betrayal, and whipped out his phone to dial his partner's—ex-partner's—number with shaky hands. He waited, counting the rings, and let out an angry laugh when it rang right into voicemail. "Figures that you would let it go to voicemail, you piece of shit," he said into the phone, as soon as the beep indicated he could leave a message. "You're too much of a fucking coward to let us know that you were doing your own thing, making your own deal, and now we have to hear from the fucking governor that you're leaving? You're a real piece of work, Steve, just like your mother. I'm surprised you didn't just fake your death on your way out of town. You made me think we were friends, I stayed on this godforsaken island for you, and you just turn around and leave us all behind when things look to be getting tough. Well, I hope that the Navy gives you what you're so clearly looking for, and I hope that I never have to see your face again, and I hope that you realize that you destroyed the best thing that ever happened to you in your miserable life. Go to hell."


Danny awoke the next morning with a hangover, a headache, and only vague memories of the night before. He remembered the bar, he remembered coming home and drinking some more, and he remembered being a dick to the rest of his team, but everything else was sort of fuzzy.

Fuzzy, until he looked at his phone and remembered the voicemail that he had left the night before. He rubbed his brow for a moment, considering whether what he said had been taking it too far, whether he should call and apologize, but then the full weight of Steve's decision yesterday sunk in and it was all he could do not to leave another voicemail.

He sat up on his bed, anger providing fuel for wakefulness. The man he considered to be a brother, who'd had his back for the longest time, was just gone without a word, by his own choice, and now Danny had no idea when he would see that man again—if he'd see McGarrett again—nor if he would ever get the chance to really say all the things he needed to in person.

The uncertainty, the frustration, the sense of betrayal and loss hit Danny once again, and realizing that he had nowhere to go, nowhere to be, he laid back down on his bed and threw his arm over his eyes to try to block everything out. "Fuck."


Almost a week and a half into their two week suspension found the remaining members of Five-0 incredibly bored.

They had started meeting up for lunch, for dinner, a random coffee here and there, just to find something to do, some way to be together. They were each still trying to process things, and doing so in their own way, but being in the same place helped give credence to the idea that they were still a whole, functioning unit, even missing a core piece.

But being together meant that Danny had to listen to Chin call the governor every day, seeking an update on their missing commander.

Lou had withdrawn into himself a bit, still grappling with his own perceived sense of responsibility, and Kono had been stuck in the same angry phase that Danny was, but Chin… Chin was ever hopeful, ever optimistic that their dismal situation was somehow not as it seemed. He was holding firm to the idea that Steve wouldn't just leave them like that, and his unending hopefulness was starting to eat away at Danny. He knew that theoretically he should be the one fighting for Steve, fighting for the idea that he didn't abandon the team as quickly and as clearly as he did, but it went against all the evidence, and everything in Danny's nature. Being hopeful meant that when Steve didn't come home, when things didn't magically work out, he'd have to deal with that disappointment; being hurt and resentful, being full of doom and doubt meant that there was nowhere to go but up. He couldn't hope that Steve was coming back, he couldn't hope that he'd get the life back with his best friend that he'd been clearly taking for granted, because when it didn't come to pass, Danny wouldn't be able to withstand that heartbreak again.

So every time Chin picked up the phone and called Denning, ostensibly to see if the governor had made any headway on choosing a new leader for Five-0, and he would finish the conversation with, "And have you heard any news about Steve, sir?", Danny would just about lose it.

Today, they were all sitting in his living room, and when it reached that point in the conversation, Danny couldn't take it any more. He needed to hold onto his ever-growing grudge against his partner, rather than be thrown into the vast pit of self-pity and depression that he was knew was waiting for him. He couldn't let himself be sucked into the older man's conspiracy theories. Knowing he was close to reaching his breaking point, Danny stood up abruptly and walked to the door, throwing out, "I'm going to check the mail," over his shoulder.

Once outside, he didn't know what to do with himself, and so with a mental shrug, he actually did go over to check his mail, wishing that something in there would break up the routine and boredom that his days had become. He quickly pulled out the mail and starting thumbing through the pieces of junk and bills that provided no relief.

His heart lurched, though, when he realized he just might get his wish after all, as he came to a letter addressed to him in Steve's writing. Without waiting to go inside, Danny sank down on the curb, dropped everything else in his hands, and tore into the letter that was postmarked four days ago.

Danno,

First off, let me say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I can't imagine that any of this has been easy on you, and I'm more sorry than I could ever say about leaving you all like that.

The Navy doesn't know I'm sending this letter, and since my mission is top secret, I probably shouldn't be, but what the hell? I'm probably going to be dead in a few days anyway, so it's not like there will be any way to punish me.

But I had to send something because if I do die on this mission, of which there is a high probability, I didn't want you to hate me forever. I thought I did—I thought it would be easier for everyone if you all were so mad that it didn't matter what happened to me, and then a voice in my head that sounded suspiciously like you told me I was being an idiot.

See, here's what happened:

When Lou shot that guy and things looked to be going to hell, I went to meet with the governor to try to fix things, to sort them out as best I could, but the Navy saw it as an opportunity. You see, they had just received intel about some bad guy in some place far away (see, keeping it classified up until the very end, Danno) and they wanted me to come and help take him out. They'd approached me about it before, but I told them no, that I couldn't this time, because Grace had that thing and Adam was going to get out and I had so much that I wanted to be here for. For the first time in my life, I said no to the Navy.

But when all this shit happened, they saw it as a way to force my hand, to make me come work for them again. They made me a deal at the meeting: do what they wanted, or they would court marshal me and have NCIS file charges against each of you. Probably none of it would have stuck, but I wasn't going to take that chance. Not when you have kids to be there for, when Kono is finally starting her life with Adam, when Chin just found Abby, when things are so good for Lou. Not when it could destroy all of your careers, and you'd worked so hard for that. I couldn't put you through all that, just because I didn't want to go and play Super SEAL again. It wasn't fair.

I should have said goodbye, I know that. I should have told you all the truth, but to be honest, I wasn't sure that if I had to go through that, if I had to try to say goodbye, that I wouldn't tell the Navy to fuck off, to give me the court marshal. I didn't think I'd be strong enough to go.

So I told the governor to tell you that I'd made my own deal, that I chose to leave, because in a way, that was true. I did choose to go rather than risk all your futures. I had to protect all of you, because I knew that it could get so ugly had I chosen to stay, and everything was solved by me deciding to go.

But I didn't want you to blame yourselves, so I wanted to you be mad, to hate me for what I'd done. I'd rather have you all think of me as a traitor than have blamed yourself for any of this, because this was my choice. I know how you are, Danno, and I know you would have let the guilt eat away at you because I wouldn't have been around for you to yell at.

But now…now I'm getting ready to get this show on the road, and I know there's a really good chance that I'm not going to make it out of here in anything but a body bag, and I realized that I don't want all of your memories of me to be tainted by your anger or thinking that I betrayed you. I know I'm really good at destroying everything I love, but I figured I could try to salvage this at the end. Even if you hate me now for making you live with this, at least you might not hate me so much as to not show up at my funeral.

If the worst happens, take care of Mary. Tell everyone I love them and that they were worth it. You were worth it, Danno, because you guys gave me family when I needed it, and gave me something to hold onto.

Oh, and one more thing, because I know you, brother: you're going to start beating yourself up right about now for a certain voicemail. And let me tell you , stop now—I knew what I was signing up for when I lied to you. And you probably weren't wrong about any of it. However this turns out, I'm not mad and you'll always be my best friend. Love you, Danno.

Steve

Danny put the letter down, almost unable to see due to the tears coursing down his cheeks. He swiped at them roughly, trying to figure out how to process everything that he had just learned. It was unbelievable, it was terrible, and it was so utterly a Steve thing to do. Protect them all by sacrificing himself, decide everything himself and leave nothing to discussion.

He took a shuddering breath, trying not to think about the fact that this letter put everything in a whole new context, including the fact that there was a very strong possibility that he would never see his partner again, including the fact that the last words his best friend ever heard from him were terrible, cruel, vitriolic. That voicemail…

Danny stood up quickly, pushing away thoughts of what he had said and done, and instead focused on sharing what he learned with the rest of the team. He made his way back to his front door, the rest of his mail forgotten on the ground, and held the letter tightly in front of him as he made his way inside, just as Chin was finishing his phone call.

His tearstained face was enough to capture Kono and Lou's attention, pulling them away from whatever Chin was saying. Before either of them could speak, Danny thrust the letter towards them, and said in a broken voice, "I got a letter from Steve."

Kono was just standing up to take it from him, to read the terrible words herself, when Chin ended his phone call and looked up at the group. "The governor had news today—about Steve." Suddenly the focus shifted entirely away from the shaking paper in Danny's hand to Chin. "Whatever all this about, it's over, and, um, Steve is coming home."

Danny's head snapped up. "Home? He's coming back?"

Chin swallowed heavily. "Well, he's going to Tripler."

"Tripler? Why?"

"Why do you think, Danny?" Kono asked, her sarcasm doing little to cover up her concern. "Did the governor give you any details?"

Chin shook his head. "He said he'd fill us un when we got there. Said to meet him in about 20."

Danny stayed where he was, unable to move or even let his mind go to the idea of facing his partner after everything he'd said and thought and felt. He'd angrily railed against Steve for betraying them, but the truth put the onus of betrayal squarely on Danny's shoulders. So instead of addressing Chin at all, he simply thrust the letter towards Kono. "Here—this will give you the context."

He passed over the paper and then sank down in a chair, head in his hands. There was silence, the rustling of pages the only sound as they were passed around. Finally, Chin spoke. "What voicemail is he talking about?"

Danny couldn't lift his head, couldn't face them. "That night, after the bar, after we found out, I was drunk and I called him. I said a lot of things, a lot of bad things. Things I shouldn't have said. But I was hurt and angry and drunk. Very, very drunk. When I remembered the next morning, I was ashamed but still so pissed off that I didn't want to do anything about it. I didn't think that if I called back that I'd have anything better to say, so I left it and then as time went on, I felt worse but had no idea if I'd even be able to reach him. He could have been anywhere in the world, doing anything, and I had no idea how to get ahold of him, let alone apologize even if I'd wanted to. And I figured if and when he finally got back in touch, if we ever found out if he'd redeployed or was working on base, then I could deal with it then. And I convinced myself that he hadn't reached out, so he clearly didn't want to talk either. Until today when I checked the mail and opened that." His voice was broken at this point, and he could barely hold back a sob. "Some friend, huh?"

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and looked up to see Chin, no anger on his face. "Hey, you were angry and grieving and did something dumb. So did he. That doesn't wipe out seven years of good. And it wasn't like you were the only one who was upset."

Danny snorted. "Not you. You thought it was something like this from the beginning."

Chin shrugged slightly. "I always thought he took more after his father, personally, and John McGarrett was as stubbornly loyal as I've ever seen. But I was still plenty mad, Danny, just in a different way. I may have suspected something larger at play, but I was beyond hurt that he left without saying goodbye—or anything at all—and I've been mad that he hasn't checked in. And believe me, I'll give him hell for dropping off the face of the earth like that when we see him." He paused for a second to let all of that sink in. "What I mean by all of this is that it could have been any one of us who left that voicemail."

"But it wasn't, Chin. It was me. We're all his family, but he's my partner, and I said things that, even if he forgives me for, still had to have hurt. How do I go to the hospital now, not knowing how badly he's injured, knowing he did this for us, with my last words to him being that I never wanted to see him again? How?"

Chin sighed and squeezed Danny's shoulder again. "Because you're sorry. And you owe him that much."

"I just…" The Jersey detective stopped, not knowing what else to say, how to vocalize the depth of his remorse and apprehension. "I know."

"Good, then let's go."

Danny nodded, then followed Lou and the cousins out to the cars. Chin instinctively seemed to know that Danny was in no shape to drive, and pushed him towards the passenger seat—a gentle reminder of what he'd lost, and it was all Danny could do not to break down in his own driveway. He opened his mouth to say something, to explain, justify, distract himself, but Chin just held up a hand. "Danny, you're not going to feel any better telling any of this to me. I can't make you feel any less guilty. You're going to have to work through that yourself and with Steve, and we both know the both of you have plenty of guilt to go around. So just don't hype this up in your mind anymore, okay? Or you'll totally psych yourself out and not be able to say the right thing when you have the chance."

"R-right."

"I'm not mad, Danny. This is a shitty situation, but we'll figure it out as a team, okay?"

"Yeah, sure," Danny replied, not even sure if they were a team anymore. But he remained silent, stayed that way even when they got to the hospital, and met the governor and the others inside. Though once he might have stepped forward to take the lead, he hung back, letting Chin start the conversation.

Not that the Hawaiian man did it very subtly: "What the hell is going on?"

Denning sighed and then gestured to the waiting room seats. "Why don't we sit and I'll explain everything?" After the team complied, he sighed once more and then started. "I wasn't entirely truthful with you all the last time we met, when this whole catastrophe started. You see, after the shooting, I did feel that Five-0's leadership and methods needed to be evaluated. To be quite frank, I have donors with concerns, and the botched robbery became a very public reminder of that. However, it was never my intention to let the Navy use the situation to their advantage—though they clearly found a way to do so. When I met with Commander McGarrett that day, I was going to suggest his suspension, as well as putting an observer in place for a time to evaluate your team's practices and satisfy interested parties. The Commander had indicated that he would agree to these terms when the Navy interrupted our meeting.

"They were obviously not pleased by the situation, but to be honest, they seemed rather relieved that they had been handed a perfect scenario in which they could manipulate McGarrett's loyalties in order to make him agree to participate in one of their missions. I'm speaking, of course, of his loyalties to you." The governor paused for a second, looking down at his hands as though gathering his thoughts. "I want you all to know that I argued against McGarrett going along with what I felt was tantamount to extortion, but no protections I could offer satisfied his fears about what the Navy threatened to have NCIS do to the three of you. In the end, he agreed to do whatever the Navy asked, so long as they, in turn, promised to leave the rest of Five-0 alone and any discipline to my discretion. I encouraged him to let you know what had transpired and what he was agreeing to, but not only did the men from the Navy insist that he come with them immediately, but he also seemed to think it was better if you didn't know the details. Regrettably, I agreed to go along with his suggestion. I assumed he would tell you once he got on base or before he flew out."

"Do you know what the mission was?" Danny asked quietly, speaking for the first time since the car, something he knew Steve would have jokingly marveled at, had he been around. "Do you know what they wanted him to do?"

Denning shook his head slightly. "Not officially, and not completely. I will admit to eavesdropping at one point as they were leaving, and heard enough to know that it was highly dangerous, was a solo mission, and had something to do with a high value target in the Middle East."

"So how'd he end up back here?" Kono's voice was sharp, her disapproval of all of this clear. "If you let him walk away to something so dangerous, how come he's back?"

"All I know, Ms. Kalakaua, is that I got a call from Pearl-Hickam this morning that the mission was successful and that Commander McGarrett was on his way back to Hawaii on a medical transport. They informed me when he'd be arriving, and I relayed that information to Lieutenant Kelly when he called. I don't know anything beyond that, as I am neither family nor next of kin."

"No, that would be me," Danny said, standing and wiping his suddenly sweaty palms on his pants in one smooth motion. "I guess I'll go see if I can get an update."

Kono stood up with him, and at his questioning look, she shrugged. "You don't need to do this alone."

Danny nodded, not able to express his gratitude, and then made his way up to the nurses' station. "Excuse me? I'm looking for information on Steve McGarrett? I was informed he was brought in earlier."

"And you are?"

He almost replied that he was Steve's brother, that he was family, but at this moment in time, he wasn't sure if that was a claim he could still make; and that very thought pained him to his core. But he swallowed it down and simply said, "I'm his next of kin."

The woman behind the counter nodded. "I can page the treating physician to come and speak with you."

Danny nodded again absently, then paced in a tight circle in front of the desk next to Kono's still form, until the doors next †o him swung open and a doctor came out, making his way over. "You're here for Commander McGarrett?" At Danny's silent nod, he continued. "We received the Commander as a transfer patient this morning from a Navy transport. As such, most of his care happened outside my supervision, so obviously I can only give you detail on what's in his chart and my own observations.

"When the Commander arrived, he was under heavy sedation, which we're working to bring him out of now. This was most likely used to make him comfortable during his flight. The Commander suffered from a few different injuries, both of which he received surgery for prior to his arrival here. The first major injury, while less severe, will take longer to heal from—he broke his right femur in two places, and it wasn't a clean break. It was necessary to place a titanium rod in the bone to aid in healing, which will remain in the bone forever."

"And the other injury?" Danny asked, trying to keep the fear from his voice.

"The Commander has a gunshot wound to his chest. It was appears as though he was subjected to a beating at some point, probably when his leg was broken, and during this beating two of his ribs broke. When he was shot, the bullet lodged in one of those rib pieces and pushed the tip into his lung. He had surgery to stop the internal bleeding, and a chest tube was inserted to help re-inflate the lung. From the notes I received, his operations appeared to go fairly smoothly, all things considered."

"All things considered, Doc?" Danny was beyond glad that Kono had come then, glad she had been able to ask what he had been too scared to.

"Well, the Commander received quite a few blood transfusions during the surgery. This would indicate to me, as well as scans performed here, that the Commander was bleeding heavily from his wounds, and that they had trouble keeping up with the loss for quite a while. But the good news is that he's stable now, and I can take you back to see him."

Danny nodded once more, trying to process everything the doctor had told him. It was Kono, though, who once again helped save him. "Why don't you go in now? I'll go and update everyone and we can come back after you've seen him, so that we don't barge in all at once."

His heart swelled with gratitude, and he hoped that she could tell how thankful he was by the quick squeeze of her arm. He knew that she wanted to be rushing into that room with him, see Steve with her own eyes just as much as he did, but she also seemed to sense that Danny needed to be alone when he saw his partner for the first time, that he wouldn't be able to handle the situation with so many prying eyes. The look in her eyes said that she knew how he felt and he squeezed her hand once more as he walked away with the doctor.

As they walked down the hallway, Danny found his voice again. "You said that he'd been sedated on the way over from wherever it was that he was-is he awake now?"

"He's getting there," the doctor replied. "He was starting to show purposeful movements when they paged me, and I'm guessing that within the next hour or two that he'll be fully awake."

"Good, good, that's good." Danny's stomach, however, seemed to think that it was anything but as the butterflies started going in full force at the idea of having to face his partner, have to face him knowing what the last words he'd heard were. "That's great."

The doctor finally turned another corner and then indicated the room right in front of them. "Please have one of the nurses page me if there are any problems."

"Right, thanks." Danny shook the man's hand and then pushed his way through the door, knowing the only reason that he was able to do was was the knowledge that Steve wasn't awake yet, that he could push off that conversation a while longer.

But damn if it didn't feel good to see his best friend again, even if the man looked like crap. One of his legs was casted and elevated, the plaster going higher than Danny knew Steve would appreciate, and his chest was a myriad of bruises-where Danny could see it, anyway-as half of it was covered in bandages and gauze. The SEAL's eyes were closed, but Danny assumed one of them would have been almost swollen shut regardless, the beating that the doctor referred to completely evident on Steve's face.

Danny closed his eyes, trying to block out both the image in front of him and his feelings, but when a calming breath didn't work, he texted Kono to come back with the team along with the room number. After he tucked his phone back into his pocket, he took a seat next to Steve's bed, and grabbed the unconscious man's hand, gripping it tightly. "I know that there's going to be a lot of talking when you wake up, and I'm going to have to actually apologize when you can hear me, but there's a good chance that I'm not going to handle it well-at all-so I'm just going to put this out in the universe so that karma doesn't hate me too much for when I act like an ass later: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for what I said. So just hopefully you'll just instinctively know that, and we can use that as a starting point, okay?" He sniffed and wiped the traitorous moisture from his eyes, pulling his hand away quickly as he heard the door open.

He stood up and turned around as the rest of the team and the governor filed in, ignoring Chin's muttered curse and Lou's quick intake of breath to look at Denning's face when he saw Steve. He didn't know what he was looking for-guilt, maybe-but the man's poker face was incredible, and he barely let any emotion spill through. But despite that being the case, Denning was also the first to speak. "I won't stay and intrude on this time, but I do want to be informed when Commander McGarrett comes around, and I'll come back. He and I will eventually have some things to discuss, and I'd like to be able to see him doing better than he is now. I do want you to know, however, that I think this team has been through enough, and it is my intention to have Commander McGarrett reinstated as the head of Five-0 as soon as he's fit to return to duty." He made his way back to the door, turning around once more right before exiting. "I do hope you all know that this was never what I wanted. Despite some of the differences that the Commander and I might have, I would have much preferred him healthy, safe, and suspended compared to this. Please let me know when he wakes up and is ready to see me."

As soon as the governor left, Danny sank back down into the chair and everyone seemed to relax a bit. There was still a tenseness that Danny knew would only go away when Steve had woken up and the rifts between them had been healed, but even his asleep presence seemed to heal something, to erase some of the sense of hopelessness they'd been grappling with all week. Still…

"This is pretty messed up, huh?" Kono asked, breaking the silence.

"Well, a fake betrayal and a secret mission aren't usually how we end up with Steve in the hospital, no," Danny replied sarcastically. "And now we get to wait until the idiot wakes up to have an awkward conversation. Let the good times roll."

And they did wait, all of them together. They were mostly silent, exchanging only the occasional comment for the next few hours, not needing to say more than they had already said for the past few weeks, each of them burdened with their own thoughts of what they were going to say to their erstwhile friend and leader.

Finally, though, after what seemed like forever to Danny, Steve started making noises in the bed, eyes moving rapidly underneath his eyelids. Without having to be asked, Lou quickly got up. "I'll go get a nurse."

This was it, the moment that they'd been waiting for, and at the last minute, Danny chickened out. He'd been sitting by Steve's bedside all afternoon, but now, in this moment, he couldn't do it, couldn't be the first thing his partner saw. Without even consciously thinking about it, Danny quickly dropped his best friend's hand, and rushed to stand at the back of the room, not meeting Chin's knowing gaze as the older Hawaiian made stepped forward to take his place. "Steve, Steve can you hear me?"

Slowly, Steve's eyes flitted open, awareness not fully registering for a few seconds. Then: "W-where am I?"

"You're in Hawaii, at Tripler. You arrived here this morning, boss," Kono said softly.

Steve's eyes slid closed for a moment, swallowing against a clearly dry throat. "What day?"

"I don't know if I should-"

Quickly, Steve shook his head. "No, I um, know year and stuff," he said, sounding only partially still drugged. "Just want to know how much time lost."

Recognition dawned on Chin's face. "It's Thursday, Steve."

The SEAL nodded, eyes still closed, relief flooding his features. "Not too long, then." He paused for a moment, more awareness apparently coming to him as he opened his eyes to scan the area immediately around him. "Where's D-"

His question was interrupted by the return of Lou and the doctor, but Danny knew what his partner had been starting to ask regardless, but he still didn't step forward. He figured that Steve would notice him soon enough, and he needed those extra few moments to gather himself. It was so good to see his partner awake, to know that his best friend had come back, but he was such a maelstrom of emotions that he couldn't even begin to figure out how to proceed.

So he waited, as the doctor ran through his neural and physical checks and pronounced that Steve seemed to be doing well, during which time Steve's eyes had finally found his and Danny couldn't help but look away quickly. And he waited while each of the other members of the team had their turn to say what they needed to to the man in the bed.

He waited while Lou rattled off apology after apology, still clearly harboring guilt over his original role in all of this, waited while Steve calmed him down and they started good naturedly ribbing each other.

He waited while Kono lit into Steve just a bit, giving him hell for doing what he'd done, waited while she softened and leaned down to give him a kiss on the forehead and reiterate that while he'd have to make it up to them forever, she was so glad he was home.

He waited while Chin told him he'd never doubted the SEAL for a moment, waited while Chin thanked Steve for having their backs even if it meant doing something so stupid, waited while Chin gripped Steve's arm tightly and told him what the governor had said.

Danny waited through all of that and came out the other end still not knowing what to say. As soon as Chin had finished speaking, they all seemed to turn to him, waiting now for him to speak. But he couldn't, not with everyone's eyes on him expectantly, and he still couldn't meet Steve's unwavering gaze.

Finally, after a beat of awkward silence, Chin took charge. "Well, the three of us are going to go grab some coffee okay, see about getting you some Jello for dinner. We'll, uh, give you two some time, okay?"

Danny wanted to glare, yell at Chin for his total lack of subtlety, but kept his gaze glued to the floor. The other three team members filed out quickly, and then the door shut and it was just the two of them.

"Danny-"

"Steve-"

They had both tried speaking and they had both paused now, unsure in ways that Danny knew they hadn't been since the early days. He opened his mouth but nothing came out, and so he shut it again, looking at everything in the room other than his best friend in the bed.

Finally, Steve tried again quietly. "Danny, I'm really sorry."

For some reason, even though Steve had apologized to them multiple times since waking up, that was the thing that triggered Danny's anger, and it was the first clear emotion, the first feeling that he could identify since coming to the hospital that he latched onto it without a second thought. "You're sorry? You're sorry? Sorry for what, exactly? Sorry for deciding to make an absolutely asinine decision without consulting the rest of your team? Sorry for deciding to leave without saying goodbye? Sorry for thinking it was better if we all just hated you rather than knowing what you had done? Sorry for making us think that you were just a dick who lied to us and betrayed us? Sorry for making me question our entire friendship? Sorry for writing that letter and pulling the rug out from under us? You're an asshole, Steven McGarrett! You're a total ass! You make a life-altering decision all by yourself, not realizing that it's life-altering for all of us, and then just expect us to be okay? You thought that we'd be better off thinking that you just up and left, and hating you, than knowing what you'd done? Because you somehow thought that being angry was better than feeling guilty? Well guess what, now we feel both! You just up and left and gave us no choice in the matter and expected us to be okay with your decision? And then I get that letter, that godforsaken letter, and it feels like all I can do to not blow my brains out because, because, because, and you're sorry?"

"Danny, I know-"

"You know? You know what, Steven? Do you know that I haven't slept since you left because I was so mad and hurt that I couldn't breathe? Did you know that I have had no idea what to tell my daughter because I didn't want her to hate you like I did? Did you know that-that…" He had to stop, his voice getting thick with the emotion that he had been trying to push away, but it just made itself known with the wetness in his eyes instead. "Did you know that this is the second time today that I've cried over you, Steve? Because I got your god damned letter this morning, and I found out what you had done, and all I could think about was that fucking voicemail I left you that night. Because I realized that the last thing you heard me say before shipping out to a mission where you thought you were going to die was that I never wanted to see you again, that you were exactly like her." He choked down a sob, and then closed his eyes. He stayed quiet for a moment, and for once, Steve didn't try to fill the silence.

When Danny finally was able to talk again, his voice was quiet this time. "I'm so fucking mad at you for what you did and yet you apologize and I don't even want to hear it because all you should be doing is yelling at me for being the shittiest of friends ever. You should hate me, should be kicking me out of the this hospital room for the things that I said to you, and yet you're sitting here apologizing. And it should be me saying I'm sorry because I was an asshole and I don't even know what to say to ever make up for what I said. And it's not true, none of it is, and then I just come in here and yell…"

"It's not entirely untrue either, though," Steve finally responded quietly. "My mother faked her own death and left her family because she somehow thought that that would be better than sticking around, whatever that brought. She manipulated all of us and then walked back into my life thinking that she could somehow undo it all. It's just what I did, Danny. I did what I thought I had to do to protect you all, screw facing the consequences here, let you think what you did, manipulated you because I thought it was better, and then wrote that letter because I was too weak to stick by my decision and thought that I could fix something before I died. And then I didn't even get that part right."

"You can't think that-"

"I know you're glad I'm not dead, Danny. I just…I'm saying I understand why you said the things you did, and I'm not mad at you for them, so you don't have to apologize. I'm not going to lie and say that it didn't hurt a bit, but I knew what I was asking for when I made my decision."

"I'm going to come back to what you said in a minute, because I do need to apologize, but did you really think that if you died that we'd be so mad at you that we wouldn't care?"

Steve gave a quickly aborted shrug. "I know that after learning of my mom's betrayal, if she had died right then, I might not have been so broken up about it. I guess I thought that it was easier to hold onto hate and anger than guilt for the rest of your life, because I know what living with guilt is like. It eats away at you and destroys you and takes away all the joy in your life, and I couldn't do that. Not to you especially. I figured that if you thought I was just a self-serving bastard that when I died, you might be sad but you wouldn't be broken by it. You'd move on and eventually my name would just be a reminder of an asshole that you used to know."

"You're a fucking idiot, you know that right?"

Steve went on like he hadn't even heard Danny, his voice still rough. "But then, I started worrying that if I died, what actually happened would somehow make its way back to you, probably through Denning's own sense of guilt, and picturing that was worse. Because I knew that you'd hate yourself then, and I wouldn't have any way to absolve you of any it. So I wrote that letter and hoped to hell that it got to you before my body did."

"But you made it back," Danny said quietly.

"Somehow." Steve's face went blank for a moment, and Danny knew that he was reliving whatever it was that he'd been through. "The mission was successful, but the extraction went exactly the way that we all thought it would-it was FUBAR'd from the start. It wasn't a perfect plan, but we had a short window of opportunity. I got really lucky."

"Yeah, a broken leg and a bullet in your chest seem really lucky to me," Danny responded sarcastically, but the fight had gone out of him. "I feel like we're just talking around in circles, Steve. I'm mad as hell that you made the decision that you did, but I shouldn't have ever said what I did, and I never should have thought you'd betrayed us. I should have known you better than that."

"You do know me, Danny," the SEAL responded quietly. "You knew me well enough to know that I still act like the lone wolf, and you ran with the information that you had to form a conclusion. You thought what I wanted you to think."

"Chin didn't." He wasn't trying to sound petulant, but he could hear the slightest bit of pettiness bleeding through into his voice.

"Chin's a whole hell of a lot more optimistic than you, Danny. I'm not mad at you for the voicemail, or for doubting me or anything. And I am so, so sorry for doing what I did-I thought it was the right thing at the time, and I didn't think that I could go through with it if I saw you since I knew you'd be able to talk me out of it. But I should have called sooner, I should have said something before so much time had gone by because now…" Steve closed his eyes with a sigh, leaning his head back tiredly against his pillows. "To be honest, I'm worried that we're not going to get past this and I've ruined the best thing that ever happened to me."

Danny let out a long breath and settled into the seat next to his partner, grabbing his hand in the process. "You know what I just realized, right now in this moment? I'm not mad anymore. We're sitting here yelling-okay, well I'm ranting and yelling and you're letting me, so who's feeling guilty now?-and, not to be too sentimental, it's stupid because you're here and you're alive. Which is clearly a state of being that we're lucky to have you in. So screw the rest of it, okay? You made a mistake, I made a mistake, but you're here now and you're coming back to Five-0, and all the other details can be worked out since we now have the luxury of time and, you know, being alive to do so. So yeah, we're going to get past this and you're going to go back to annoying me by driving my car and insisting you're right all the time, and I'll annoy you by actually being right. Right now, I just want to say that we agree that we're both stupid and move on, okay? Let's just be grateful and happy and normal for now."

Steve's eyes were bright and full of the emotions he didn't feel like sharing aloud, but Danny saw the uncertainty and hope that were there anyway. And then he blinked and it was gone, but Danny truly knew they would be okay when Steve nodded, and then opened his mouth and said, "Our shrink is going to have a field day with this."


I may have rushed the ending but a) I was getting close to 13,000 words and b) sometimes even Danny gets tired of talking.

I'd love to hear your thoughts because I am soooooooo nervous about publishing again, so drop me a review! And if anyone has any prompts they're dying to see play out in this series, let me know!

Charlotte