Three Minutes to Midnight
Author's Notes: Mildly AU. In the same sense that the Black Death had some minor effects. But, things you need to know now? Well, we're working with the premise that, instead of genin teams, each genin has their own, individual sensei. Not all of them get jounin (there aren't enough of them) but each one has an experienced, older ninja as a sensei.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Not sure who'd want to, really. Seems like he'd make an awful slave. Too much energy and verve; you'd have to either castrate 'em or beat him into permanent mental damage to get him to settle down a bit.
The Time is Now 11:57
Prologue: In Which the Stage is Set
Her jaw twitched uncontrollably as the last shreds of her self-restraint vanished.
They'd stuck her with an idiot. This would absolutely torpedo her career. There was no way she could turn this buffoon into a shinobi. He was a failure, plain and simple, a waste of her valuable time.
And his damn clothes were so bright she was getting a headache just looking at the runty little bastard.
"So when do we get to go on a mission and fight enemy ninja and rescue princess and stuff?" her new charge asked brightly, eyes shining, his entire being suffused with the hyperactive energy of a toddler who'd inhaled his body weight in cocaine.
She reached out, grabbed him by the very large collar of his bright orange jacket, and hauled him a solid two feet into the air so she could look him in the eye without leaning over. Her grip twisted the collar enough that it was cutting off some of his air, which conveniently cut off whatever his next idiotic sentence would have been.
"If you don't shut up right now I am going to stick my thumbs in your eyes and twist until all that comes out is white jelly," she hissed. Since he couldn't breathe, he couldn't respond to the threat except by having his eyes bulge slightly and for his struggles against her iron grip to increase slightly. She smiled.
"Good boy. Now let me set the record straight. You are a new genin. I am your new sensei. You will be given a long series of shit missions with other new genin, like finding dogs and painting fences. When I say you're ready, they'll flag you for more important missions, like guarding caravans of precious cargo. Such as cabbages." She shook him and relaxed her chokehold, his head lolling slightly. "Oi! Stay awake or I will make sure that you never wake up. Now. If you ever wish to become a glorious and noble cabbage guardian, you will be quiet and listen to me. Because in between your virtuous D-Rank jobs mucking out stables and whatever other work you are given, I am supposed to teach you to be shinobi."
Then she dropped him to the ground. He landed poorly, and whatever breath he'd managed to gather went into high-pitched cry as he landed directly on his ankle. Anko looked at her hands in distaste before wiping them off on her coat. She'd have to wash it when she got home.
"And let us be very clear. You are a long, long, long way away from being a Knight of the Cabbage. I have heard the stories and read the files. You are a lazy shirker who avoided everything you thought boring about being a ninja and then somehow managed to graduate from the Academy. You are unfit in every imaginable way." She abruptly grinned, her face brightening like the sun. "Now. Questions?"
He'd finally recovered some of his breath, and though he was still clutching his foot in pain, the look he gave her was absolute murder. She could even feel a trace of killing intent behind it. The first thing he'd done right since she'd laid eyes on his miserable little hide.
He yelled, "What the hell are you talking about, you ugly – "
Anko's open hand descended like a thunderbolt from the heavens, and knocked him to the ground with a pealing boom like thunder. The blow sent him rolling a half a dozen feet across the wood floor before he came to a thudding halt against the wall. She stalked after him on sandalled feet, the metal of her shin guards clinking slightly with each step.
He managed to roll over with a groan, and started to rise. She put her foot on his chest and applied enough pressure to hear bones creak. If the brat had been capable of thought, he might have noticed that her current pose gave him an excellent look up long, toned legs and inside a barely-there miniskirt into the crotch of her mesh bodystocking. It was a view some men would gladly trade places with her student for.
She ground her heel into his sternum.
Rather stupid men, honestly.
When she felt she had attracted a sufficient amount of the boy's attention, she moved her foot up and onto his throat. She didn't apply pressure, just kept it hovering as an obvious threat. He looked up at her with fear in his eyes, and she enjoyed every second of that.
"You appear to be laboring under the impression that you are still in the Academy. I believe we've moved past that point now, yes?" she began conversationally. "Good. Now, what I was talking about was your inability to fight, react to a threat, think tactically, use the ninja arts, conceal yourself, blend into a crowd, deceive a mark, or work with others effectively. I am supposed to rectify those gaps in your education, and the only reason you are still drawing breath is that if you succeed in becoming so much as a Cabbage Knight, it will be against such impossible odds that riches and favors will be showered down upon my genius."
Without saying another word, she turned and started walking away, trenchcoat swirling at the sudden movement. She crooked a finger at the boy without looking back, the disorganized clatter of limbs scraping against the floor all she needed as confirmation that yes, the idiot was following.
Probably so he could get close enough to try and stab her to death, but she would work with what she was given. At least the brat's buttons were easy to push.
Closing Notes: It's all an elaborate trap and the AU is that Sasuke is an idiot who wears orange. You can take me at my word.
Well.
If you're a dunce, that is.
