"After all it's me your best friend! I'm helpful, I can be useful to you. I promise I won't get in your way. I can help...I can...I can...Please don't kill me."
Chara honestly didn't know what expression was gracing her face right then.
Probably nothing good if the reactions of everyone else was any indication.
It didn't feel real. The features were close but still off when she had looked in the mirror earlier. It had been impossible to focus.
Flowey had been following her every step of the way, telling her everything that had happened. Telling her all the ways she had taken this bright, shining prince and destroyed him. Oh, he hadn't phrased it that way. He didn't even seem to see it that way. But facts were facts and Asriel Dreemurr (his whole family, this whole kingdom) would objectively be better off if he'd never met her.
Not that he'd said that was who he was in so many words. But he had called her Chara long before she knew that name and he said she was the only one who understood him. He even spoke of friendship. And then he told her his story. She hadn't known what to say. Apologies felt foreign on her tongue and he rejected any attempts at pity. Not that she had much pity to spare.
So she hadn't said anything. So he had kept on talking, seeming almost happy for a being who claimed to be incapable of positive feelings.
He had committed suicide. Asriel, who had given her everything he had, had had her take everything from him in turn. He had destroyed himself but had stuck around out of fear of what came next. And it was a fair question. What would happen when a soulless being passed on? What had happened to Asriel's soul?
And then, when he was talking about how they were perfect for each other because they wouldn't hesitate to kill the other if they got in each other's way, he had abruptly grown terrified of her and fled. Fled right to daddy after all of his earlier contempt.
And Asgore didn't even know, was the worst part. Asriel had come to him, Asriel was scared, Asriel was crying and Asgore had known she was the one who he had warned him of. And she had seen Asgore stab himself because it was what Asriel would have wanted. And she had seen Asgore bow his head and talk of how he just wanted to see Toriel and Asriel again. And Asgore had offered her a cup of tea.
And Chara had stabbed him.
And Flowey had killed him, the father he'd futilely gone to for protection. And he was babbling something inane about how he hadn't betrayed her and he could be useful. And she hadn't even known a flower could look so terrified. And his face and voice were Asriel's again and she couldn't even muster any anger at this blatant manipulation because he was genuinely in terror for his life. Genuinely in terror of her.
She still hadn't said anything since she had come here, she didn't think. Still hadn't said a word since she'd killed Sans.
He was still watching her and begging for his life and she just…she had to say something. Her silence was probably making the situation worse. Why had he gotten upset? Because he had messed up her plan all those years ago? She wasn't so far gone she didn't realize he'd suffered far more than she. She wouldn't be the one to blame him for humanity's sins. She had to say something.
But then she'd have to face this. Then she'd have to hear why he'd ever thought that in the first place. And he was begging her with Asriel's face and Asriel's voice and the only time he had ever begged her for anything was when he had begged her to stop when her body had started failing.
She hadn't listened then.
Strangely, her lack of action – even violence – seemed to be unsettling Flowey further. The shivering looked almost painful.
She couldn't be here.
She went back to the beginning. She saw no one before Toriel found her. She didn't have time to waste on this. She knew Toriel meant enough to Sans he didn't step in to try and stop Chara until long after she had killed Papyrus. She needed advice and Toriel gave her a teary-eyed hug before sending her on her way.
She played along with Papyrus' puzzle and his attempts to capture her. She'd even gone on a playdate with him and didn't object when he merrily accused her of being obsessed with him.
Then she had burgers with Sans.
"I think I need to reevaluate my life and my choices," she said bluntly.
"Hm? That sounds heavy," he replied. "Why come to me?"
"Because you're one of only two people I've met who would have nay idea what I'm talking about and I cannot have this conversation with the other one."
"This…isn't going to be a fun conversation, is it?"
"Probably not," Chara agreed. "But I didn't even kill your brother so you could at least humor me."
He narrowed his eyes. "Am I supposed to thank you for not murdering the best damn person you've ever met?"
"Well it would be nice."
"I'm not going to do that," Sans said. "Unless you would go out and do it if I don't."
Chara laughed. "Not today, Sans. But it's been awhile since I haven't is what I'm saying. I forgot how much I hate having to solve puzzles. Which is kind of strange, really, as I don't mind puzzle-solving in general. I just hate being made to do it."
Sans fixed her with a steady stare. "So we're talking about your being a time anomaly."
She shrugged. "If that's what you want to call it. My habit of starting from scratch and creating a save point in case I get careless."
"And how exactly do you define 'careless'?"
She smiled. "Oh, but that is a good question."
"Is it one you intend to answer?" he asked.
Chara shrugged. "It varies, really. Anything that doesn't work out the way I want it to. I saved right before coming in here with you."
"Should I be flattered?"
"I wouldn't be," Chara said. "I didn't want to have to go back all the way to the beginning in case you decided to do something stupid."
Sans leaned forward. "And just what 'stupid' thing do you think I would do?"
"I haven't killed Papyrus," she repeated. "I'm about ninety percent sure I haven't killed anyone this round."
"Only ninety percent?"
She shrugged. "These things all blend together. Who even knows? I know I didn't kill anyone important, at least. No boss monsters."
"So what are you so concerned I'd do?"
"I came here because I need advice. I don't want to have to deal with you overreacting and trying to kill me," Chara said.
"And why would you think I would try to kill you?"
"Well you told me that Toriel asking you not to is the only reason you haven't already tried," Chara explained. "And I don't think I even killed all that many people that first time. Definitely not anybody who didn't attack me first and, I don't care what anyone says, there's nothing 'morally suspect' about self-defense."
"I'd take that a little bit more seriously if you hadn't admitted you've killed Papyrus," Sans said flatly.
Chara scowled. "Oh, you always get so caught up in that! What's it matter? He's fine now."
"But he wasn't always," Sans said, looking a little distant. "And even if I can't quite remember it, it's quite the event, losing your only brother."
"Yeah, I've been there."
"Have I tried to kill you before?"
"Tried?" Chara repeated. "You've succeeded and more times than I'm comfortable with. Especially in the beginning. I usually win these days but you're still a pain in the ass to fight. And I'm not here today out of boredom so trying to drive me into giving up won't work. And there's another reason you shouldn't waste both our times with that."
"You haven't killed Papyrus, you said."
"Well, that's true. In the next run you can't guarantee I won't, especially if you piss me off here," she agreed. "Though if I want to try and talk with you again I really shouldn't waste time with that."
"And why shouldn't I?" Sans asked. "Why should I humor you and even try to help you when you care nothing for senselessly slaughtering me and my brother and everyone I've ever known again and again and again?"
"Because it's not like playing out this same old dance, this same old fight, is going to cause anything new to happen," she explained.
"There's nothing new under the sun," Sans said cynically.
"That would be new," she countered, "being under the sun."
"And, what? I suppose you've come up with a plan to free us all?" he asked rhetorically.
"Not so much. But I did tell you I'm here to reevaluate my life and my choices," Chara said.
"Alright, I'll bite," Sans said. "I don't promise more than that. I may not be able to stop you, I may have promised Toriel, my brother may be still be living, but I refuse to commit to aiding our would-be destroyer."
"That does seem fair."
"What kind of choices are you looking to reevaluate since your habit of murdering everyone doesn't seem to be getting you down?"
"Do you know Flowey?" she asked.
Sans paused. "Not by name though I assume you must mean that tiny talking flower."
"Probably. How many can there possibly be?"
"I seem to recall he's tried to kill me quite a lot," Sans said. "I seem to recall he's done the same sorts of things you've done."
"But what do you know about him? What do you know about me?"
"He doesn't have a soul," Sans replied. "He was a flower injected with determination. He didn't quite come out right. I'd say the two of you have quite a bit in common. Never treating things with the severity they deserve though you still have a soul. Not that I suppose I'm really one to talk there but after witnessing and not being able to stop so many resets it's hard to dredge up the appropriate response. My body count is far lower than yours on even one run though perhaps not on this run."
"My name is Frisk," Chara said. "My name is Chara."
Sans leaned back in his chair. "Is that right? That's quite the name to lay claim to."
"Everyone in the underground has died, whether they're aware of it or not. I've died quite a lot," Chara said. "I think you've probably died the least since you only seem to die once everyone else has and even then you don't always lose that fight."
"Lucky me."
"I died a long time ago. How long ago I couldn't tell you. Then I woke up. Or I was already awake. I was already Frisk. But, somehow, something about killing people seemed to bring it all back. I'm still Frisk but if I had to choose a name right now it would be Chara. If I ever get back home I may feel differently but right now we're in my stomping ground. Mine as Chara. And I barely saw any of it before I started to remember."
Sans was quiet for a moment. "You killed that many people that quickly?"
"I would never claim to be a pacifist," Chara said. She tiled her head. "Even now when I technically never hurt anyone. At least I'm pretty sure. I didn't even touch Jerry, though I think that would have been okay, because I didn't want to risk it. And those monsters all attacked me. Even Toriel, I didn't really want to hurt then but she just wouldn't let me go and I couldn't stay trapped in the ruins forever. I didn't know what else to do. So yes."
"You're claiming to be some kind of reincarnation?"
Chara shrugged. "I couldn't tell you. I fell on top of my own grave, you know. Maybe I wasn't Chara before, maybe I was and simply didn't know. It was all sitting quietly until the violence started and honestly I'm not really sure how I feel about that. I honestly hadn't killed that many people before I died."
"That many? Chara, you were barely older than you were now when you first came to our world!"
"I've never been a fan of humanity," Chara said delicately. "Another thing to sort out, I suppose, with my loving human parents who would never dream of selling me."
Sans narrowed his eyes. "Selling-"
She held up a hand. "That really isn't what I came here to discuss. I told you about me and all the various things I'm trying to work through so you could understand the problem I'm having."
"You're having an existential crisis?" Sans asked. "Might I recommend not killing everyone?"
"You might," she replied. "But that's a rather self-serving request and not really something I think will help me."
"I don't know, I think not murdering everyone down here will help you a lot," Sans argued.
"I was killing everyone," Chara said distantly. "I didn't kill your brother today but I killed him yesterday. And I killed him the day before. And the day before that. And every day going back for weeks. I can get from the ruins to Asgore in a day so it's all that, all the time. Never any break. Even when I try to stay away, there's few enough places you can truly get away from it all."
Sans was unnaturally still. "I still haven't heard what this problem of yours you think I can help with is. Whatever it is that you think is somehow more important than your habitually committing genocide."
"Well, I haven't," Chara objected. "Oh, I come close but somehow there's always something. It's not so easy, you know. Do you know how many times after I remembered Toriel before I could bring myself to kill her? Or, God, Papyrus! He believes in me. He'd try to capture me if I hadn't done much but if I had he stood there, trying to hug me, and just having all this misplaced faith in me."
"That is Papyrus for you."
"Even when I would kill him, he'd still die believing in me," she said, disgusted. "What am I supposed to do with crap like that? I turned away from more attempts to kill everyone than you even know because of him. It took me a long time to bring myself to do it."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Sans asked harshly. "Knowing that of the countless times you murdered my brother, who would never ever hurt you, you felt bad about it and sometimes couldn't go through with it?"
"Of course not," Chara said, surprised. "That wasn't about you. It was about me and the fact that I didn't just come back suddenly determined to kill everything in my path. I've never really felt bad about you, I must admit. You only fooled me with your fake mercy once."
Sans remained silent.
"I had finally done it. I had finally reached Asgore after having killed every other living thing in the underground. Everyone except Flowey, not that I had really had a chance if I wanted to. I would have had to face him before but…Well, I reset a few times after facing you."
"Is this the part where I congratulate you on finally achieving the most evil actions imaginable?" Sans asked bitingly.
"Don't be common," she chided. "The point is, Flowey came to me. We talked. He talked. Did you know that I've never killed Asgore?"
"I'd say that was an accomplishment but apparently you've only met him once since you came back."
Chara shook her head. "It's not that. I've faced him several times. But I've never killed him. Flowey's killed him a few times and he's killed himself more than that. That is not a happy man."
"You of all people should know why."
"It doesn't matter. I'll probably make my way up there eventually," she said.
"Unless you really do reevaluate your life and your choices," Sans said mockingly.
"Reevaluation says nothing about what the outcome might be," Chara pointed out. "But yes. I've never killed Asgore. I haven't seen him as much as I've seen the others. There's really no hope for avoiding Toriel if I do anything."
Sans waited. "And?"
Her jaw worked. It seemed strangely difficult to get the words out. What was it? "And…I…"
"It's just words."
She glared at him. "He thought I would kill him."
"Asgore? Well, with your reputation that's not surprising."
"He hadn't heard any of that," she said. "But I was talking about Flowey."
"It's still not surprising. You've killed everyone else."
"He thought I would kill him! He was telling me about everything, about how we had the same aims, then he decided I was going to kill him. He begged me not to kill him."
Sans was quiet, clearly trying to understand what the problem was. "Is that so strange? Many beg in the face of death and, with his ability to reset – an ability I take it you've supplanted? – he must not be used to facing real consequences for his actions. Not that you killing him need be more than you killing everyone."
She stared at him, almost wounded. "Do you really think I would kill him?"
"I have no reason to think you wouldn't," Sans said. "As you said, you've killed everyone. Everyone except Asgore but why waste your time if he'll just kill himself for you?"
"I haven't killed Flowey. I wouldn't kill him. Why did he think I would?"
"Probably because of your almost unbelievable body count," Sans said. "I don't get it. You kill everyone. You have to psych yourself up to kill Papyrus but you'll still do it. You don't seem to think killing Asgore eventually is out of the question. Yet with Flowey it isn't just a case of you haven't but you can't bear the idea?"
She smiled thinly. "Would it be trite to say even evil has its loved ones?"
"You won't stop killing your mother."
"That's different."
"How?" he challenged.
"It doesn't last. She doesn't remember. I'd hesitate more about killing you, for all you frustrate me, because you'd have some sense of it when you came back. The most I ever get from her is her feeling like she's seen me before."
"And how exactly does a soulless flower bent on destroying everything out of boredom merit more consideration than that? He has a better memory of your resets?"
"Well, yes, but I knew him before," she admitted.
"That flower hasn't been around that long," Sans said slowly. "And if he was anything before, he hasn't told me."
"He has a policy of not telling you anything," Chara said. "He has too much faith in your plan-foiling abilities."
"How sweet." He stretched out in his seat. "I'll be honest, if you're Chara and have only been back here for a few hours now and this is the first time you've been back since your death, I'm jumping to all kinds of conclusions right now."
"Well jump away," she invited. "I'm not usually sentimental."
"If his ashes spread over the garden, if the flowers came from the surface…I can't say I ever saw this coming. Prince Asriel, back as a homicidal flower who regularly murders his father."
"He doesn't have a soul," Chara said, feeling strangely like she was defending him and unsure why she was bothering. "And he knows it won't last, same as me."
"That would explain why you're…conflicted," Sans said. "You'll kill your mother, you'll watch your father die again and again, but your brother can't even think you might kill him or you panic? I think I might actually understand and, let me tell you, feeling like I understand you is the last thing I want right now."
"The last thing? Really?" Chara asked, raising her eyebrows.
"Well, the last thing when I'm talking to someone who isn't a genocidal maniac," Sans amended.
"Maybe it doesn't make much sense," Chara mused, leaning back and staring at the ceiling. "I've been trying to find out what it was. I was very upset when I killed Toriel that first time. I hadn't even meant to. And when I remembered who I was and who she was to me it was even worse. But these things pass. Maybe it's that she has no idea who I am and he does. Maybe it's the fact that she doesn't remember and I know he will. Maybe it's the fact that she never sees it coming, no matter what I do, and he went from wondering if he could be happy just existing with me on the surface to fleeing for fear of his life in two minutes flat. And I didn't even say anything!"
"It is rather unsettling when you do that," Sans said.
"I never gave him any indication I wanted to kill him. And I know that he ruined things back then but the fact he thinks having done that is signing his own death warrant…I suppose I do tend to kill things when they get in my way. But he didn't mean to, he just…and it was so long ago. And he said he was my best friend. And for a moment he looked just like…" She broke off.
"I still don't quite see your dilemma."
She glared at him. "Then you're being deliberately obtuse."
"It's quite simple. Kill him, which you seem very much to not want to do, or don't. What did you do then?"
"I reset," she said. "So I know he remembers. I haven't seen him but he won't hide forever. He never did know how to stay away from me. And, no matter what's actually true with me, he'll convince himself sooner or later I was just joking or testing him or whatever."
"Your problem is that you go around committing genocide and don't care who lives and who dies and then someone whose life you do actually value worried that he might not be exempt from your long-standing 'kill everyone' policy."
"It's not long-standing," she argued. "It depends, it really does. And you wouldn't understand. You didn't see it."
"No but I have an unnervingly good idea what Papyrus' dead body looks like," Sans said. "I have this image in my mind of him going in for a hug and a knife and his head sliding off."
Chara sighed. "I don't know what to do."
"You could not kill him," Sans said. "That seems like it's pretty obvious."
"But what about the fact he thinks I'll do it?"
"You already said he'll rationalize it to himself and sooner or later your lack of killing him will speak for itself anyway. You could even tell him that the fact he remembers is allowing you to see him as a real person whereas all these resets seem to have destroyed your ability to do that with everyone else."
"I don't know how it could be any other way," Chara protested. "Every time I meet you, you ask me to hide behind a lamp. Every time I meet you, your brother talks about joining the royal guard and how disappointed he is that you aren't helping him capture humans. Every time, which is every day, it's all the same exact thing. It's not his fault or your fault or anyone's fault except maybe mine for doing this over and over again. Put the same people in the same situations and they react the same. And I'm the same situation happening to people. When you know exactly what to say to get people to react in a certain way, it all begins to feel a little formulaic. It all starts to feel less real. They all start to feel a little less real. But Flowey remembers. And I've certainly never seen anything like that before. I-I don't want to see it again."
"Then change something," Sans said. "Why do you keep resetting to the point where nothing anyone does can surprise you?"
"I don't know," she said. "There's a lot I'm still trying to figure out. And even if I can convince him eventually, I don't want to hear him beg me for his life again. I don't want to see him scared of me. I caused his death once and it was the worst memory I have. And I think you know how I died."
Sans nodded. "I do. But I don't know how he did."
She looked away. "It doesn't matter. What am I supposed to do?"
"Let me answer that question with another," Sans said. "You know my interest in this. You can't really blame me, it is only my life and my world, but that doesn't mean it's not still valid. He thinks you will kill him because you kill everyone. As long as you keep doing that, I can't see anything changing. So tell me, Chara, why do you keep killing everyone?"
"I don't-"
"And don't give me 'I don't know'," Sans interrupted. "Maybe you don't fully understand your motives or some big overreaching reason behind your actions but what are you thinking when you come across Toriel or Papyrus or me or anyone else and decide to kill them day after day after day?"
"I'm thinking…" Chara trailed off, trying to formulate an answer. These days she didn't have to think much, just briefly decide to do it and then follow through. "I'm thinking it doesn't matter. I'm thinking I'm not really killing anyone. I'm thinking what does it ultimately matter if their pain lasts a moment and then it never happened? No one really remembers. I could kill them a thousand times over and as long as I end it on a bright, shining ending they've got no cause to complain."
"You do it because you can. But why do it at all?"
"Would it veer too much into victim blaming if I said at first it was because I didn't have it in me to run away crying when they tried to kill me? When everyone said I must be sacrificed not because I was bad but because I was a human and they wanted to step over my corpse to escape? They're not even truly miserable down here, they just think it would be better on the surface!"
"I could see that. But there's a difference between killing in self-defense and hunting down everyone in the underground."
"There's a difference," she agreed. "And you're right I didn't have to do it again and again and again until it lost all meaning but at this point I did and I can't change that."
"And do you intend to leave everyone in a bright, shining ending once you're through?"
Chara shrugged. "I actually haven't really looked into it. What, am I expected to allow my own death to free them? This probably won't come as a shock but I'm not that good of a person and I don't feel I owe them a damn thing."
"Agree to disagree there," Sans said lightly. "But you're right, it is a difficult situation."
"In the meantime…I'm going to actually have to talk to him, aren't I? But God even knows what I'd say. He said one of the reasons he liked me was my lack of useless pity. I can't see this going well."
"If it goes better than him thinking you would murder him, can you really complain?"
She just smiled at him. "Thank you. I'll try to leave Papyrus be for a few rounds."
Then she reset.
Still no Flowey.
So she reset again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
