"OH MY FUCKING GOD, HERMIONE! WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR FACE?!" yelled Ron.

"I just got a little bit of work done at the hospital wing. What do you think?" said Hermione.

"It's fucking HORRIBLE, Hermione! What the fuck were you thinking?! You're too fucking ugly now!

YOU'RE DROPPED!" said Ron.

Hermione started crying.

"FUCK OFF, RON!" she screamed.

"WHY DON'T YOU MAKE ME, BITCH?!" shouted Ron.

"Okay, I will!" said Hermione.

And she pulled a pistol out of her robes and shot five bullets into Ron's head.

"OW!" said Ron.

And then he died.

Suddenly, Harry came running down the hallway.

"WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR FACE, HERMIONE?! AND WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO RON?!" he said.

"I've killed him, Harry. I had to. He didn't like my new 'face-lift'." said Hermione.

"You didn't have to get a face lift! Ron already loved you for who you were." said Harry.

"Well fuck, it's too late now. Madam Pomfrey said she's not going to be able to undo this. Oh yeah and I killed Ron. But I didn't do this for Ron, I did this for me. I was an ugly single-celled organism trapped in the body of a bushy-haired ugmo." said Hermione.

Harry yawned.

"Why don't you tell somebody that cares, amoeba face." said Harry. "Why don't you go and talk to Neville about this? I'm sure he'd like it. Really like it. He gets turned on by amoebas, he tells me. Bye."

And he ran off as fast as he could because Hermione's face was making him nauseous.

Hermione thought about talking to Neville. It would be the perfect chance to make Ron jealous. Even though he was dead. And the contents of his skull were splattered across the walls of the hallway.

"I'll do it!" Hermione finally said aloud.

"Do what?" said Draco Malfoy.

"Flirt with Neville." said Hermione.

"Are you cereal?" said Draco. "What's Neville got that I haven't?!"

"An overbite." said Hermione, smiling. " I find overbites so sxy."

"Hmph!" said Draco. And he stormed away in a manner resembling Aaron J.

So Hermione went to the Gryffindor common room to go and flirt with Neville Longbottom.

It didn't take long for Hermione to find him; he was sitting near the window trying to spot that magic chair

with wings that is featured in a large number of Enid Blyton's 'novels'.

"Hi, Neville." said Hermione jiggling the giant amoeba that was attached to her face, for that was the single-cell organism equivalent of batting one's eyelids.

"Wooh, you look HOT, Hermione! I LOVE what you've stuck to your face! It's a great look for you!" said Neville.

"Why thankyou…" said Hermione, jiggling her amoeba again.

Neville didn't say anything else for ten minutes. He was hypnotised by Hermione's jiggling amoeba.

Suddenly, Ron's ghost appeared out of thin air. It looked extremely angry.

"YOU SLUT!!!" said Ron's ghost. "YOU FUCKING SLUT!!! WHAT'S HE GOT THAT I HAVE'NT?!"

"An overbite." Said Hermione, smiling. "I find overbites so sexy."

"And I find amoebas so sexy." said Neville.

"Yeah, Harry told me that they turn you on."

"HE WHAT?!" said Neville. "I'LL KILL HIM!!!"

"Oh, not another fucking death today!" said Ron's ghost. "Mr. Grim Reaper won't be happy. He's getting too fucking old for this he says--"

"For god's sake Ron, stop swearing so much!" said Hermione

"Kay then...bye." said Ron's ghost.

"Where was I?" said Neville. "Oh yeah... I'LL KILL HARRY!!!"

"No you won't!" said Hermione.

"Okay, whatever you say. Just jiggle that amoeba for me again." said Neville.

"Okay then." said Hermione.

And she jiggled her amoeba.

"Oooh, that's nice. Work it girrl!!"