This came to me today and I wanted to get it out before tonight's episode made it irrelevant. This is raw and not exactly a romantic Alicia and Will moment, but if I decide to continue it, who knows?
Alicia and Will are my friends, not my characters. If you don't want me to play with my friends, don't broadcast them into my living room (wait, I take it back, don't take them away now!)
Alicia sat at her desk staring at her computer. It was late and most of the office was dark. She hadn't seen anyone else for awhile now, and she had slowly let her guard slip away. If she could see herself now, she would correct that wrinkled brow, her awkward posture, the haggard look upon her face. She had the appearance of working, but in fact she had no idea what the words on the screen said at all. She was lost in her own thoughts, her own worries.
She should go home. She should have gone home long ago, but part of her knew she could think about it here in peace. She didn't want to take it home with her. She wanted to sort it out, compartmentalize it before stepping into her apartment. So she sat motionless at her desk while her brain whacked away at her problems.
Will saw her from a distance. Slowly he approached her office, debating whether or not to disturb her. As he got close enough to make out the details of her face, he read her concerns as if she had spelled them out in type. He knew that they were likely the last two in the building tonight; he hadn't seen anyone else as he walked through the offices. He reached for the handle to her door and opened it.
At hearing the noise, she jumped and looked up at him. "Oh! Hi Will," she said, trying to play down her surprise. Will took a seat in front of her desk. "You're working late," she commented.
"So are you," he returned. "What's wrong?"
She gave him a half smile as she shut her computer. "Oh just preparing for tomorrow. I don't think I'm getting much accomplished anymore. I should head out."
"Alicia, what is it?" he asked again, this time more insistently. He had a pretty good idea what was concerning her but he didn't want to be wrong about this.
His tone made her look up to meet his eyes. When she saw the expression on his face, she knew that he had her. He knew what was bothering her and she didn't have the defenses to fend him off right now.
Will watched her expression change as she realized what he was thinking. Her eyes lifted to the ceiling and she drew in a deep breath. He could see that she was fighting the tears welling up in her eyes.
"Oh, I'm just worrying about things that I can't change. It's nothing really." She shook her head as she spoke, hoping that he would buy it. She didn't want to do this here, not now.
Will was pained that this was upsetting her so much and he wanted so badly to put her mind at ease. He leaned forward and his face softened with the compassion he felt for her. He didn't want to force her to confide in him. What if he was wrong about this? Maybe it wasn't any of his business.
Alicia met his eyes again to see if he believed her. Her shoulders fell as she saw that he wasn't accepting her brush off. He was looking at her so tenderly that she didn't have the heart to try again. Defeated, she answered the question he was really asking. "Ok, ok, I'm afraid that someone knows about us."
"Don't be. No one knows," he replied, leaning back in the chair.
"Peggy Byrne knows. At least she knows enough to be suspicious."
"I told you I had this. I'm not talking to her or anyone else." Will's confidence was apparent in his tone. He didn't know about her testimony in the grand jury. Mistaking the disbelief he read in Alicia's eyes, he continued. "Alicia, I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt Peter. I won't tell anyone. Don't worry."
"No, no, there are others who know," she said as she shook her head.
"What others? Nobody else knows, Alicia. No one else was there. You and I are the only two people who know what we did," Will said, with a smile he couldn't suppress. The memories were just too overpowering for him. "If Peter suspects, he wouldn't leak it. Whatever Diane suspects, she won't leak it. It would be too damaging to the firm."
"Will," she said, with the tears threatening to spill onto her cheeks, "it was in my testimony to the grand jury."
"What?" he said with surprise. "What grand jury? My grand jury?"
Alicia nodded, her chin resting on her clenched fist. She was wearing the most solemn face Will had ever seen on her.
"Wh-… why didn't you tell me?" he asked incredulously.
"I don't know. Things were weird between us. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to make it worse for you."
"Alicia, tell me what was said. What did you say to the grand jury?"
Alicia blinked the tears back from her eyes. She could do this. She could be factual. "Wendy Scott-Carr asked if we had ever engaged in a sexual relationship. I was under oath. I had to say yes."
Will nodded and offered an "Ok…" before Alicia cut him off.
"There's more. She asked when it started and when it ended. Will, she implied that I received a promotion because of our…" Alicia paused to search for the appropriate term, "…connection."
A stunned look crossed Will's face before he regained control of his expression. Wearing his poker face again, he asked, "Then what happened?"
"I walked out," Alicia said as she shrugged.
"You-"
"-walked out, that's right."
"You weren't excused?" Will asked incredulously.
Alicia shook her head with a slight smile. "I guess I was pretty angry by that point."
Will returned the smile and nodded with her. He was her partner in this. He had to help her escape whatever worry she had. "So Wendy and her ASA's know," he stated.
Alicia nodded, "Yes, and the grand jury members." She took a deep breath to calm her nerves as she said, "I suspect Wendy is the one leaking it. She has a clear motive to hurt Peter."
"But if Peter is elected as governor, his office is open again and he won't be her competition. It could work in her favor if he wins the election," Will argued.
Alicia shook her head and raised her hand to her forehead. "I have to talk to Eli. I think he needs to know so he can do some damage control."
It was Will's turn to nod as he offered, "Do you want me to talk to him?"
She sighed, "No, I'll do it." She paused a moment before asking "Will it hurt the firm if he knows?"
Will responded, "It might. But if it needs to be done…"
He was leaving this decision in her hands. The firm was very vulnerable right now. Jobs were at stake, families were at stake, and he turned it all over to her. If she wanted to do this, she could. All of this swam in her head, and she closed her eyes to try and make sense of it. Her tears returned as she formulated her answer.
"Will, I don't want to hurt you either. I don't care if it hurts me or Peter or the election, but I…" Alicia's voice broke as she thought of her next words. Will leaned in closer to her, as if his proximity to her could make this all dissolve away.
"I can't let this hurt my children." Her eyes lifted to meet his as she spoke, her voice raw. A couple of tears slipped down her cheeks. "If they have to find out, they need to hear it from me, but I want to protect them from knowing if I can. They've been through so much…" Alicia's voice broke again. She knew she had to get herself under control. When she cried, it was all or nothing. She needed to stop it or she would soon be sobbing.
Alicia turned in her chair, just slightly away from Will. It was barely a shift at all, but he noticed. She stared through the glass wall as she blinked away tears and tried to control her breathing.
Will's heart broke. He wanted to sit there and cry with her. He wanted to go to her and hold her and tell her it would be alright. He wanted to say something to make her laugh uncontrollably. He wanted to tell her she was the most beautiful human being he had ever seen right now. But he kept himself planted in his seat and gave her the time she needed.
When he couldn't stand the silence any longer, he said, "If it's in danger of getting out anyway, Eli would know then. Everyone would know, and that could hurt the firm. If you need to tell Eli, that's fine. It's completely your decision."
Alicia nodded. She was still turned away from him, and she met his face now and said, "Thank you, Will." She raised her hand to her face to wipe away the tears that had landed there.
Silence over took the room again. Now it felt awkward. Their clinical post-mortem conversation about their relationship had taken the beauty out of their moments together. Will's special memories were causing Alicia pain. He could do nothing to help her. Afraid that his presence was making things worse, he stood up silently to leave. He tried to think of something to say, something to ease this moment, and nothing came to him. He continued toward the door.
"Will," she implored, and he turned back to face her. "I meant what I said. I don't regret it. I don't. I just don't want my children to have to experience any more pain on my behalf. That's all this is about."
Will nodded and turned back toward the door. His brain was headed in about a million directions at once. He reached for the door handle and his hand froze. The question that had been on the tip of his tongue for months came out without warning, "Are you going back to Peter?" He didn't turn to face her this time. He was ashamed of his weakness and he didn't want to see what his question did to her, but he wanted an answer.
Alicia was caught off guard. She knew how to answer this for her children, for the reporters and for Peter. She didn't know how to answer for Will. She did know that she couldn't lie to him. After a moment, she told him the truth. "I don't know. We are supposed to be working on it, but I honestly don't know what I'm doing."
Alicia saw Will's head bob up and down from behind as he offered her a nod. It seemed like forever before his hand turned the handle and the door swung open. He was walking out the door and was almost out of earshot when she asked, "Should I?"
Will didn't come back into her office, but turned in the doorway. As she met his eyes, she said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't…I just don't know who to talk this through with." Her answer was weak and her shoulders sagged with defeat. She held his eye contact as he gave his answer.
"That's up to you, Alicia. Any advice I would offer would be purely selfish." Will turned and walked away from her into the darkness.
