AN: I have been so enjoying the BA shippers fic, that I thought I'd warm up my skills and post one here. This will eventually be a multi-part series. Standard disclaimers apply.
Turmoil
Alex Eames sighed. This was not what she wanted to do, sit in the courthouse all day. She wasn't supposed to be the one testifying anyway-her partner was. Her partner. Robert Goren. Bobby. Her alleged partner and best friend. Just the thought of him had her seething. He had always been reticent to share much about his private life, kept a certain boundary in their friendship. Lately those boundaries had started to blur a bit. They were talking more about their lives before their partnership, spending more time together outside of work. And then the daughter of Goren's mentor kidnapped and tried to kill Alex. The tentative bond between the partners strengthened. Many a night Alex awakened, screaming from nightmares. It had gotten so bad at one point that they were practically living together, with Alex sleeping on Bobby's couch or vice versa.
But that was "before." And this was "after." After Bobby's blow-up at Thanksgiving. She'd never seen him so overtly angry. Well, maybe at Captain Ross or ADA Ron Carver, or a suspect, but not in the bullpen, and certainly never directed at her. The Bobby that day was a stranger. His behavior at Thanksgiving had first shocked her, then frightened her. Was this the end of their partnership and friendship?
"Detective Eames?" the voice of the court officer broke into her thoughts. "Your turn at bat."
"Yeah," she shook her head. "Thanks, Will," she pasted on her best cool, professional demeanor as she shoved the heavy door open. Never again would she walk into a courtroom without the memory of the Garrett case. Bitter experience had taught her that she should expect anything. Luckily, the defense attorney was just shy of a moron, and the judge was a former ADA. In other words, pro-prosecution. Her testimony was succinct and effective. Alex breathed a sigh of relief as she cleared the courthouse steps.
After his blow-up and near-firing at Thanksgiving, she'd tried to distance herself emotionally from Bobby. Other than a superficial call to tell her was staying at a motel near Carmel Ridge, he'd done the same for nearly two weeks. At work she said and did all the correct things, and when she would talk to her family, she was careful not to mention Bobby. When asked, she would give the standard answer, "Bobby is taking some personal time. His mother is very ill, and he needs to be there for her." And there were the usual Eames family Christmas preparations to keep her busy: decorating, shopping, taking her beloved Nathan to see Santa at the mall. At age 3, he was getting the idea what Christmas and presents were all about. Aunt Alex went online and did one of those "personal" letters from Santa. Granted, he couldn't read, but the pretty stationery itself was treat enough for the little boy she'd carried under her heart for nine months.
Alex did her best, but getting in the holiday spirit was hard this year. With her partner gone, her workload had virtually doubled at Major Case. Keeping busy occupied her mind, but in the quiet of the night, her heart hurt. She lay in bed one Friday night, staring at the ceiling. Forty years old, and sleeping alone. She choked back tears. No, she couldn't go there. Joe, a ghost for eight years. He'd been gone from her nearly as many years as they'd been married. So long, he scarcely seemed real. When she dreamed now, Bobby was the one who possessed her body and soul. He held her close, made her laugh, and quenched her desire. If wishing would make it so...
Alex woke Saturday morning, determined to shake Bobby from her brain. After running in the sunny bitter cold for an hour, she returned home to haul out boxes of Christmas decorations. Her sister Colleen arrived with Nathan, bearing supplies for baking sugar cookies. Over lunch the sisters traded family gossip, argued the merits of real versus fake Christmas trees, and watched Nathan proudly throw tinsel on the tree, the carpet and his hair. Christmas music filled the kitchen as the buttery, sugary, vanilla aroma wafted through the bungalow. The counters were littered with sugar, candy sprinkles and frosting.
Colleen broached the subject timidly as her sister seemed more relaxed. "So, have you heard from Bobby?"
Alex's face darkened, "No."
"Where's Uncle Bobby? I miss him! We haven't even played with my birthday train." Nathan piped up.
"He's taking care of his mommy, she's very sick," Alex explained gently.
"Oh." Even at three, he realized when his "tummy mommy" was upset. He hugged her legs as she stood at the counter.
She picked him up and kissed his floury cheek. "How 'bout you help me put the sprinkles on?"
"We're not done talking about this," Colleen hissed.
"Yes, we are," Alex turned her attention to Nathan.
Around two thirty, Nathan's eyes began to droop. "Hey, little man, how about a nap?" his mother rustled the mop of strawberry blond hair.
"No, I'm not sleep.." his words were interrupted by a huge yawn.
"Tell ya what, Nathan," Alex scooped him into her arms. "How about we read a story and rock awhile?"
"Can I have a cookie with my story?" he grinned.
"Sure," Alex nuzzled the little boy's cheek. "But you're sweet enough!"
Colleen loaded the dishwasher and cleaned the counters while her sister's soft voice drifted from the next room. Her heart ached as she listened. "Bobby Goren, you're a bastard," Colleen muttered inwardly. "You should have given her her own baby years ago."
She walked back into the living room to find her son and her big sister sound asleep.
Dark clouds were obliterating the late afternoon sun as Colleen and Nathan got ready to leave.
"Bundle up, the wind is fierce, Colly," she hugged her sister affectionately.
"You treat me like I'm still your baby sister, Lexie," she protested laughingly.
"You'll always be my baby sister," Alex kissed her cheek. "And thanks for coming today-it helped a lot."
"And you," she turned her attention to Nathan. "Save a few cookies for your daddy."
Alex stood at the window, waving as they pulled away. She smiled as she flipped the timer on for her outside Christmas lights. "I really am lucky. I have my family," she reminded herself.
She was dozing on the sofa, only to be wakened by someone pounding on her door.. She sat straight up, the vestiges of a nightmare clouding her reasoning. Alex's hand reached for the gun next to her, one of her habits since Jo Gage.
She brushed the hair from her face as she made her way to the door. "Who is it?"
"It's me, E-Eames. Bobby," the voice stammered.
She pulled back the curtain and glared at him, "What the hell do you want?"
"I-uh, brought you dinner," He waved a bag and a bottle of wine.
She flipped the locks, and stood in the open doorway, speechless. Anger, relief and joy warred in her mind.
The wind was whipping furiously, throwing frozen precipitation inside.
"Had dinner yet?" he attempted a charming smile.
"It's after ten, what do you think?" she countered icily, gripping the gun in one hand.
"For Chrissakes, don't shoot," he protested.
"What? Oh, yeah," she set the gun on the hall table, but stood her ground.
"May-may I come in?" he stammered as the sleet stung his face.
"Depends," she answered, shrugging her shoulders.
"Look, it's damn cold out here," he groaned. "Do you want me to beg?"
Alex's expression was stony. "It'd be a start."
He rolled his eyes. "Aren't you freezing?" he queried, looking at the t shirt and sweats she was wearing. He tried to avoid the fact she was braless.
"As a matter of fact, yes," she moved to shut the door.
"Damn it, I am sorry. Is that what you wanted to hear?" he blocked her move with the hand that held the food.
She snatched the bag from his hand and strode into the living room, "That's a piss poor apology," she spat, not bothering to make eye contact with him.
Bobby trailed after, shutting the door before she could change her mind.
Alex disappeared into the kitchen, slamming cupboard doors, and turning on the microwave.
He dropped his coat on the nearest chair, at a loss. He was so glad to see her, his throat hurt. But maybe he should have called...his reverie was broken by Alex's voice.
"Well, if you brought all this, we might as well eat it," she laid plates, silver and two wine glasses on the coffee table.
He grabbed her wrist, "I said I'm sorry."
"I heard you," she whispered, looking suddenly small and lost.
The next minute they were clutching each other desperately, not saying a word.
Finally, Bobby gently held her away from him, "I missed you."
She held her tear-stained face up to his. "Missed you, too," she sniffed.
As he moved in to kiss her, she sat abruptly on the couch started in on the rewarmed Italian dinner. "But I'm still mad."
He sighed and sat at the opposite end. "The place looks really Christmasy," he commented as he, too began eating.
"Colleen and Nathan were here today, they were a great help," she replied.
"You are so lucky to have your family," his tone was envious.
Immediately she felt guilty, "I know. And I'm sorry, I know family is a sensitive subject."
"It's all right," he replied.
By her third glass of wine, Alex seemed to soften. "How's your mom?"
Bobby's expression closed slightly, "Weaker."
"Boy, do you need an education, Bobby! Don't do this to me, to us," she pleaded.
"It's hard for me to share, you know that," he chided.
"But I'm not just anyone, partner, am I?" Alex prodded.
"No, but I don't expect you to share the burden, especially after what happened with Declan and Jo..." he responded, guilt evident in his features.
She rolled her eyes, "For the thousandth time, I don't blame you for that!"
"But I blame myself," he said softly. "I can't help it."
"Let me help you the way you helped me," she insisted. "Let me in."
Bobby sighed and began speaking haltingly. Of his mother's deteriorating mental and physical condition. How all Frances Goren wanted was to see number one and favorite son, Frank. That Bobby was conspiring to make her sicker, yet demanding he be there 24/7. He spoke of his feeling of failure, of not being the son his mom wanted, that he couldn't even ease her pain.
"See, you can find the words," Alex was sitting tightly by his side. "You are the most loving, caring son anyone could ask for. The way you've taken care of your mom...maybe her disease isn't letting her see that, but I see it. It's a wonder you've been able to hold it together for all these years. Let someone care for you for a change."
"Ea-Alex, my fierce, protective friend," he stroked her hair absently. "You know how much I love you."
"Still nice to hear. I love you too, Bobby," she let the tears roll down her cheeks.
"Aw, don't...sweetheart, please..." Bobby lifted her face to his and pressed his lips to her eyes, her cheeks, her nose, and finally settled on her lips.
Alex felt her senses dissolving into bliss. She opened her mouth and enticed him with the tip of her tongue, taking pleasure in his soft groan, the feel of their tongues doing a slow tango.
Bobby's hand moved towards her breast, his thumb stroking her nipple through the thin cotton.
"Mmm, like that," she mewled, trying to crawl into his lap.
Cold reason invaded Bobby's mind, "W-we should stop," he stammered against her mouth, moving his hand back reluctantly.
She grabbed his fingers, trying to finesse him back to the carnal pleasure they'd started. "No, we shouldn't. Tired of brakes."
"Eames, no. Not like this. Not for the wrong reason," he broke the kiss and threw his head back against the couch cushions.
"We love each other, Bobby," Alex shivered as their embrace broke. "Reason enough."
"I don't want this to be about pity or guilt or..." he tried to find the right words.
"Or desire? It's not a dirty word, Bobby," she sighed.
"Just a little while ago, you were ready to toss my ass in the cold," he reminded her.
"I know, what the hell was wrong with me?" she nibbled at his stubble-covered jaw.
"I didn't come here tonight to..." Damn, she was good at that, Bobby groaned inwardly.
"...come?" she giggled at her pun. "But it's so much fun."
He laughed in spite of himself, "Eames, I think you're drunk."
"Nope, just a little tipsy," her hand wandered into his lap.
"Okay, okay, that's it," he managed to stand. "I can't think when you do that."
Her expression sobered, "Don't have to think, you don't have to analyze everything."
He pulled her to her feet, "Look at me," he commanded.
Her expression was sullen, but she complied.
"I'm not saying this won't happen. But it's not going to happen until it's right for both of us. We've both got a lot to work out until it does," Bobby insisted.
She held his gaze for a long while and then squeaked, "I hate it when you're right."
He laughed heartily, and kissed her forehead, "Go to bed. I'll call you in the morning." He moved to pick up his coat.
"Bobby, the roads are a sheet of ice. At least stay here," she begged.
He moved towards the closet, and reached for the pillows and blankets on the top shelf. He tossed the linens on the couch, then turned back to her. "See you in the morning, Eames."
"You're missing a really comfortable bed," she tossed over her shoulder as she closed the bedroom door.
December 20th
The Eames kids gathered at the old homestead to finish their gift-wrapping. It had become a family tradition; the nieces and nephews were safely ensconced at a neighbor's house, while three high school girls from the neighborhood earned some holiday green riding herd on the mob. The family room was crowded with presents, paper, ribbon and tags. Raucous Christmas music played in the background while the adults drank eggnog, and made all their "Santa" preparations. Over the rustle of wrapping paper, Alex and Colleen were in the far corner dishing about Bobby's unexpected visit.
"So, did you?" Colleen asked quietly.
"Did I what?" Alex asked coyly.
She looked at her sister in disgust. "Did you let him stay the night?"
Alex replied, "But of course, the roads were terrible that night." She even managed to keep a straight face.
"Lexie, that's not what I meant!."her voice rose, capturing the attention of everyone in the room.
"Hey, I'm telling you the absolute truth. We ate dinner and he slept on the couch, like the gentleman he is." She didn't need to know the whole truth, Alex decided, blushing. She cast her sister a look that said, This wasn't for the consumption of the entire family.
But it was far too late for that. There was a cacophony of voices, teasing and asking questions. Colleen's voice rose above them all. "Okay, if nothing happened, why are you blushing?"
Alex rolled her eyes. She sometimes envied Bobby's lack of family ties. At least his probably didn't rib him about his love life or lack thereof. "Gee, maybe because I expect my life to be a little private, sis."
"In this family, are you nuts?" Her dad John laughed, taking the sting out of his words.
Her sister-in-law Melanie chimed in, "Yeah, don't you know we married people like to hear the juicy details of the single life?"
"Well, there's nothing to tell, like I said. "We ate Italian food, drank a little wine, and then went to sleep. Separately," Alex emphasized the word.
"Geez, Lexie, you made him sleep on the couch? Now, that's cold," her eldest brother Jack said sarcastically.
"Well, where did you think he slept, in my bed?" Alex shot back.
"Seems to be the persistent rumor at Major Case," he smirked.
"Yeah, yeah, a man and a woman can't be partners this long without screwing each other," she said tiredly. "I am not sleeping with him."
"Maybe you should, God knows it would improve your disposition," Jack muttered.
"That's uncalled for," his sister yelled, her face flushed in anger.
"Now, now, let's calm down," John Eames tried to settle his children. "Son, you owe your sister an apology!"
"The hell I do-she's the one who's been a royal bitch since Thanksgiving." John took a long gulp of his beer.
"I wouldn't accept it, anyway," Alex turned on her heel and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
In the kitchen, she let the tears she'd been bottling up for weeks boil over. Grabbing an old wool cape of her mom's, went out to the back stoop, oblivious to the snow falling around her. She sobbed inconsolably, hugging her arms to her stomach.
Beth Eames watched her from the window, finally getting the courage to go console her daughter. "You'll catch your death out here."
"Wouldn't matter to this family," Alex sniffed, sounding like a hurt six year old.
"Haven't you heard the old saying, we tease the ones we love the most?" Beth patted her daughter's hair.
"No, is that another Irish thing?" she shot back.
"Well, since my stroke, I don't rightly remember how it really goes. But we love you and we worry. Especially since..." Beth bit her lip.
"Mom, I'm fine. And you've been in a cop family for more years than I've been alive. You know it's just part of the job." Alex sighed.
"Seeing my daughter kidnapped and nearly killed is not part of the bargain," her mother countered tartly. "Just like you being a widow at 32. And what would you do if something like that happened to Nathan? You'd feel the same way."
"Point taken," she admitted reluctantly. "But Nathan is not my son," she reminded her, following her mom back into the warm kitchen.
"Maybe not by DNA, but carrying him for nine months makes him you his mother too, no matter what fancy name you give it, surrogacy or anything else," Beth replied. She stepped briefly into the family room, warning everyone the kitchen would be off-limits.
Alex was silent. She knew better than to antagonize her mother on the subject. She did forget how hard her chosen life could be on her parents. And she understood that parent-child bond, as rarely as she could admit it, even to herself.
Over steaming cups of cocoa with a generous shot of Bailey's her mother began, "Honey, what is wrong?"
Alex swiped at her face with her sweater sleeve, "My brother's an asshole."
Her mom shook her head, "Besides that?"
"Isn't that enough?" she sulked.
"I think there's more to it, Lexie," she stroked her daughter's hair. "You've not been yourself for some time now. Is it work?"
"No, work's fine," she sighed, "And I'm fine."
"Then it's Bobby," Beth countered.
She shook her head vehemently, but didn't trust herself to speak.
"Hey, little girl, I've been your mother a long time," she said softly.
"I-I-it's nothing," Alex insisted.
"Colleen said something awful happened between you a while back," Beth shared. "I know you can't tell me if it's cop-talk, but I also know I've never seen you like this.
"Oh, Mommy," Alex wailed. "It's such a mess. Bobby's mom is really sick and we had a f-fight. It was awful, right in the bullpen. H-he yelled at Ross, threw everything off his desk to the floor. It scared me," she admitted.
Beth regarded her sorrowfully, "But he didn't hit you."
"Oh, my God, no!" Alex was appalled. "He is just so worried about his mom. On top of her schizophrenia, she's dying from cancer. His brother Frank is his usual absent self, and it falls to Bobby to carry the load. His mom is needy, and rightfully so, I guess. Bobby is not big on sharing things, and he sure doesn't trust Captain Ross. I only found out about her diagnosis recently, and then it was quite by accident.. Ross pushed, and Bobby shoved back. I don't know, maybe I would have done the same thing. I can't imagine what it would be like to deal with that all alone."
"Honey, you can't worry about that," her mother sighed.
"He has no one. He needs me, we're partners. And we care about each other," Alex chose her words carefully.
"You're my baby. My first concern is for you," Beth insisted.
"I can't turn my back on him, no matter what he says or does. He's my partner, Mom. Daddy could maybe explain it better than I could." she countered.
"Well, I highly doubt your father was in love with any of his partners, her mother said dryly.
Alex brought her head up sharply, "But I'm not..."
"Oh, yes you are. And in spite of how he's acting, I think he's in love with you, too," Beth smiled
Okay, so what do you think? I plan to post more to this eventually. Reviews welcome!
