Zola means Earth

" "- Talking

' '- Thinking

": :"- French

*- translations

Words: Approx. 6, 011

Pages Used: Approx. 13

In My Heart the Will

Zola

Brevis esse latoro obscurus fio

Every news article on my wall stood for something. The wall across from my bed had ones that stood for the days I had been here. To its right was the wall with the door in and out and the articles on that stood for the conversations I had with people the staff here had called ' fake' ,'delusions', and 'hallucinations'. Then to the right of that wall where my bed was were ones that represented the dreams I had and then the final wall's articles were examples of the conspiracies going on outside. They involved the corrupt agencies of the world as well as the people that had put me in here in the first place. I had adapted to the rituals here and after awhile of allowing myself to conform to them I stopped being able to see my numbers and patterns. I was no longer able to use my decoding abilities. Before long I knew that I would end up like the other victims of knowing too much... complete zombification.

Either way I looked at it, I was doomed. If I didn't take my medication I was stuck here but if I did take my medication I would lose my sight, the people I cared about, and probably even my life. At times this realization would make me cry myself to sleep and other times I would cry because I felt that my friends had already been taken over by the wars waging out in that boring and ugly world that was given the name of reality.

I had been here since I was eighteen...I am presently twenty. I didn't know or remember why I was here and I never really cared for the reasons they were always giving me. They were a bunch of liars, zombies, and /or members of one conspiracy or another and I wanted no part of it.

Today I was sitting in my room digging through the newspaper I had gotten in search of anything that went under any of the four categories I mentioned. Today was the worst of them...I couldn't find my patterns or my numbers at all. Learning this made tears roll down my face, but then I threw the articles, shoved them all off my bed, and screamed with rage holding my head.

I needed out. No one believes a word of what I say and these people are taking everything away from me.

I was talking on the phone with one of the staff at the institute that Jezebel was at when he said that it may take more time for her to get a better grip on reality. Her mind was having difficulties getting her back on track and seemed to have thrown out snippets and even some large pieces of information.

Talking with him didn't seem to be getting me anywhere.

" Watari, I need you to drive me somewhere." I was actually putting on my shoes as I said this.

" Of course, L." The elderly man replied.

" I think you know where too... there seems to, once again, be something about Fleur's past that will help me with my latest case and, unfortunately, she resides there. I am also unable to get through to her personal files. I need to talk to her as soon as possible. I've been missing her presence, anyways." I explained without any real need to.

" Very well, then." Watari never really demanded an explanation from me.

Within the hour we were at the institution and I was walking towards the front desk.

" Hello, sir and welcome. How may I help you?" The man behind the desk asked with a smile. For one reason or another, his smile was creepy... as though he belonged here as much as some of the clients here did if not more. I just decided to shrug it off. I had never been inside such a sterile place before.

" I would like to talk to a Jezebel Shanton. I believe she was institutionalized about two years ago for attempting suicide and hearing/seeing things and people." I spoke to the man casually, but his response was not one I was expecting.

" I'm sorry but you are unable to see her at this time. She is asleep and even if she wasn't... she is not a client you are able to visit so simply. You must have a serious reason in order to gain access to-"

" Watari, can you deal with this?" I requested boredly over my shoulder at the man.

" Yes, of course. It'll only be a moment." Was his reply, and after a few minutes we were being led by an orderly to the West wing of the building.

" What is her diagnosis?" I questioned even though I already knew.

" Paranoid schizophrenia. That is pretty much all us orderlies know. All details are things that only the psychologists here know and they have a code of confidentiality." The woman explained as she stopped at the door. I felt that she wasn't telling as much as she knew.

" I'll be waiting outside in case things don't go well." She muttered as she sat down in a chair in front of the door. Watari and I shared a look before walking into the room and seeing Jezebel fast asleep on the small bed in her room. The next thing I noticed was all of the articles taped on the walls. Every wall was literally covered in them like a collage. Looking over them I noticed that they had all been written on. Words and numbers were circled or underlined and some were even connected by lines explaining one thing or another.

" I don't think it would be a good idea to bring her back with us while she's sleeping. With the way her mind works she'll more than likely have some sort of episode and do something that would cause her to hurt herself." I murmured softly as I looked over at her again. Her strawberry blonde hair was messy and had grown out quite a bit. I could see the scars on her hand and part of her shoulder/back that was showing. I didn't like that there were many ways in which she could have gotten those aside from the ones that weren't recognizable from her father when she was seven.

" Is she ever awake in the morning?" I asked her after Watari and I had left the room.

" No, it seems that it might be a part of her schizophrenia. If you plan on liberating her from here then you'll have to come in later at night. She hasn't slept regularly since she got here." The woman murmured.

" No, she's been that way quite some time longer than that. It is odd that it hasn't changed since the reason is gone, though." The young victim of insomnia noted to himself.

" Jezebel isn't fond of taking her medication. She used to refuse it nonstop for at least a year. Every once in awhile she'll go off her lithium and we know because after the effects of the drug wear off... more articles that have been written on show up." This I understood since I had researched schizophrenia once when I was young and then a second time with Jezebel's work before I started working with her some years ago.

" What are her symptoms?" As I knew it could involve things that I still hadn't looked up or didn't already know.

" Delusions of conspiracies, hallucinations that are triggered by stress the most common being ' Susie' and ' Bastien'. There is also disorganized thinking sometimes as well as disorganized behavior. These are positive symptoms..."

" What about the negative symptoms?" They were even categorizing types of symptoms now?

" She appears stoic...forgets to take care of herself sometimes. Jezebel is also socially withdrawn." That last part wasn't very new.

" Anything else?"

" Cognitive symptoms like memory problems and difficulties with paying attention. These are all less common than the delusions and hallucinations."

' But also nothing new... probably just more severe. Has she forgotten about me?' It might have been a selfish thing to think considering that I was supposed to be caring for her, but after all that had gone on it's not like I loved her any less.

" We shall be back later on tonight." I was thankful that this woman wasn't asking us any questions. That would have only made things more difficult.

" She usually wakes up around 8 or 9."

" Thank you." I told her softly before we walked past her to the outside instead of saying ' I know'.

'" Of course I'm going to stay. Didn't you hear a word of what I said? You helped me, I helped you. You saved my life, and I fell in love with you and all that other good stuff. Yes, I'm staying and you'll never be able to truly get rid of me. You're stuck with me until the zombiepocalypse."

" And you know what the best and most fantabulistic part is?"

" There's something better than everything else you just mentioned?"

" The zombiepocalpse will never come."

I woke up around 8:30 and sat up in bed, looking around at the mess I had made and froze. Something was different. The paper articles on the floor had been disturbed meaning someone had been in my room. This was unusual because staff hardly ever walked in here without having a reason like giving me my lithium, and I knew it wasn't that because they can't give me my lithium while I'm sleeping...that and the desk where they usually put it was by my bed and not in front of it.

While I was picking up papers from the floor the door opened and two people more than usual walked in. Glancing up I saw two men with Maki. One was a tall kind-looking old man and the other was a little taller than me ( he's 5'8'' and she's 5'6''), about my age, and sleep deprived. I felt the urge to back away from him as he crouched down and started picking up the papers that were still on the floor. I just stared at him when he offered them to me. My eyes turned to the older man and then to Maki, asking the silent questions of who they were and what they were doing here. She only smiled and I peered uncertainly at the man in front of me before accepting the papers. Then I stood up and placed them on my bed. Why did the two of them seem so familiar?

" Jezebel, this is Ryuuzaki and Watari. They're here to talk to you." I didn't answer as she walked out and left me with my ' visitors'.

" I know that this might not be the best way to see someone again, but I would like your assistance with something I'm working on." Ryuuzaki explained as he stood. My puzzled expression gave him a hint, and he looked around my room.

" Why won't you talk to me? I know you are capable of speech." He muttered, not seeming annoyed.

" You look familiar but... I don't remember where... who are you?" The man before her seemed slightly surprised and just as equally...disappointed. Watari only chuckled.

" I already-"

" You gave Mille bullshit names because if they were real ones I think you would both have a last name to give."

" Sorry, I have my precautions. I am Ryuuga Hideki." I gave him an annoyed side glance as I started organizing the papers on her bed.

" More bullshit. If you feel you must hide your real name so badly you must be someone who doesn't want to be remembered when 'their name' is spoken. There is no real need for you to hide your name if you were a conspirator...so you must be someone of more importance...like say a detective." Throwing in that little half guess, I saw his eyes pop.

" Guess I'm still pretty good with shocking people...though this seems to be a more positive way of shocking them." Jezebel said, muttering the last part. Ryuuga/Ryuuzaki was staring at me while I just stood there feeling a little drowsy.

" Well, if it's that big of a deal I'd have to say that you were L and that this case-" I stopped in mid-sentence and my mind seemed to have been at fault for it.

" Miss Shanton, are you alright?" I barely heard his voice as my head pounded. That's when I disconnected from my emotions to help me calm down. I had only been taking my medication long enough for things other than my 'disorganized behavior/thoughts' to diminish, so I still seemed to react oddly.

" Miss Shanton?" He hoped I could hear his voice better this time and my head snapped up so I could meet his eye.

" I'm sorry, what?" I got a closer look at his face and I tried to remember who he was and why he reminded me of someone I knew.

'Arms wrapped around me as he pressed his face to my neck, kissing it lightly.'

I gasped and threw myself backwards, red faced and wide eyed.

" Are you alright?" His voice was familiar to me too and I looked at the ground to my left. Why was I thinking of those dreams right now? It had never happened before when I was around people.

" Oh, right, um... sure. You guys are going to get me out of here so I can help you with a case." L shugged slightly.

" That would not be a very good idea. I will come here at this time several days a week and talk over the case with you. That way you can help us without putting yourself at risk."

" Aren't you putting yourself at risk every time you come here?" His head tilted to the side at my words, as he contemplated the truth in them.

" Yes... and no." He replied, and my ears perked up at the sound of these words. Why was it that I enjoyed his presence? What made him so different? I had apparently met him before so why couldn't I remember and put a name to his face? He must have assumed that I wanted an explanation because of his following words.

" Because, Fleur. You are one of the few people I can trust." My eyes widened and I stared at him. That name...I have met him before. Before... I worked with him?

" What case did we work on last?" I couldn't stop myself from asking.

" The case that led to your knowledge of your diagnosis and helped you deal with the past your father left you with."

My father...? I started feeling strange. My head hurt and the room started spinning, there was this feeling that had me cornered and I froze as my mind flat lined for a moment.

Then there was nothing. I couldn't remember anything.

" Something wrong? What do you remember?" Looking up to meet his eyes, I said a single word that would throw me back into a world I had no idea I was ever thrown in in the first place.

XCXCXCXCXCXCXCXCXCX

" Nothing." She really had no idea... I could see it in her eyes. There was also the fact that if she did have any memory of him right now she most certainly wouldn't react in such a... composed way.

I remembered how she reacted to the other times I had mentioned her father to her when she wasn't in the best state of being, and I was glad that she couldn't remember. There was no way that I wanted to be the reason that she cried the first day I came back into her life in awhile. It wasn't like I had known that it would take this long for her to get better. I was getting sick of being at home without her around.

Chances were that her lithium was working well... though it was a bit of an issue that her memory made her useless as any sort of help to the case, especially since it seemed to involve her mother. When matters of her mother had arisen while I conversed with Fleur, I had never learned anything about her. I found it odd that matters involving her long since passed on parental figure was related to a case a couple of years after a case with her father as a source connected to it. Something was up and had been going on for awhile. There was someone that knew both of her parents that had to be behind this or something. What was all of this really about? What went on to make them do this and have things go on like this in such an orderly fashion? It didn't make any sense and where did Jezebel really fit into it? Had she done something more that she hadn't told me about at some point or was it just a coincidence that I was over thinking?

The only thing I could think of suggesting to her or her wards was for her to temporarily be put off her medication. It wouldn't be very healthy for her, but I knew that if she wanted to help solve this case that she would do it. That just showed how determined she was. She had also done it before and there was no doubt in my mind that she'd do it again in order to save lives again.

Her sanity didn't really mean much to her and to me it seemed like she was confused and stuck in between the world of the real and the fake at the moment.

The case was definitely different this time. People were dying at a different pace and there seemed to be less than four people involved in the killings directly. It seemed like it was two or more people, but they were more careful than those that Jezebel's father had been involved with.

' In fact, the chances that he had ever even met these people is slim to none.'

I went back the next day around the same time and they didn't even bother talking to me before they led me to her room. She was sitting on her bed, staring at her wall.

" Good morning, Jezebel." It was odd and unfamiliar to be able to use her real name so casually, but it seemed to be the only one she would answer to normally.

Her eyes stayed on the wall, and I looked around before situating myself in a fold up chair that one of the wards had brought in for me specifically.

" What are you here to talk about today? I don't know why you're here. You already know that I don't remember anything."

" Yes, this is all true, but... do you want to?" I paid close attention to her reaction.

" Want to what? Remember?" She saw me nod, and sighed for a moment as she thought.

" Remembering will help me in more ways than one... well, it'll have more personal pros than cons than not taking my medication. It'll-"

" I request that you not do this just so you can see Susan and Bastien again." I cut in, catching her off guard, and she looked down like a guilty child that had just gotten caught stealing candy from a store, and stubbornly cast her eyes in the opposite direction.

" I know that you don't want to be here, and this case may even be able to help you to better understand why you're like this. Do you still want answers? Your father was involved in the other case... your mother seems to be related to the source of this case."

" My mom...?"

" Yes." That seemed to be all I really needed to say because she turned her eyes to me and when she met eyes with me I could see the same Jezebel that I had met almost 3 years ago now. To be honest, it was nice to see her softly shaped brown eyes go sharp again. She was thinking like her normal self... as normal as she can get.

" Okay."

XCXCXCXCXCXCXCXCXCXCX

This guy... he knew about my parents. Had I really worked with him before? Why don't I have it stored in a reachable part of my mind then?

The night before I had another vivid dream that went from horror filled and terrifying to... well...personal and even quite sexual. It made my face heat up whenever I looked at L because he reminded me of the guy I saw in my dreams that involved those explicit situations.

At one point when he had been trying to explain something to me, I zoned out, and parts of the dream came flooding back again. The worst part was when I snapped myself out of it, L's face wasn't very far from my own and I felt the color of my face turn red faster than it had the day before.

He gave me this look that made me worry that he could see what I was thinking and feeling, looking through me, and I didn't feel comfortable with it... and yet it was familiar to me somehow.

Maybe I could accept that I had just forgotten everything before now for a little while and believe him when he said that I had worked with him.

Except that before I talked about the case any further with him, I needed something answered and cleared up that only he could clear up.

" What was I to you?" His eyes shifted to me and I could feel my self-consciousness creep over me again.

" What do you mean?"

" I have a feeling you know." He thought about it for a moment before replying.

" That isn't relevant to the case."

" That doesn't mean that I don't want to know." I fought back stubbornly.

" If you listen to me now as I explain this case to you and how your mother might be involved... I'll tell you before I leave. Deal?" My answer was a simple and silent nod of the head.

" Alright," With a single glance from L, Watari handed me a folder." I must warn you of that folder's contents as they are extremely graphic. The case involving you and your father had four people behind it, but this one seems to be a bit more complex." Opening the folder I saw the first picture. Someone's blank eyes were staring up at me like fish eyes. Their dead and glazed over, looking at me through the windshield of a car with the upper half of their body forced over the dash board. Blood splotches could be seen in areas that suggested that the person's pelvis had been crushed or something and their wide eyes gave away their shock.

" That's Tina Fauller, 27, college student. She was wearing her seat belt during the crash... though only the part that went around her waist. The driver of the vehicle was never found and if you look at the picture you'll find that the car had been going so fast that when they braked, Fauller's body was cut in half by the seatbelt around her midsection plus the force of the brake." Gulping back my disgust, I set the paper down.

" Where does my mother fit into this?"

" I was getting to that." He muttered but continued on anyways.

" It would seem that your mother was once acquainted and even friends with this woman before she died. Do you remember that your mother was a college professor?" I shook my head. L seemed to notice my discontent with the pictures and quirked an eyebrow.

" How much have you forgotten?"

" Just about everything it would seem."

" Do you know about how you obtained the scars on your back?"

Searing pain shot through my head, and I frowned, and shook my head vigorously as tears threatened to fall. This happened just about every time I tried to remember anything too far back.

" Can you tell me? Do you know?" He nodded glumly.

" You told me during the time we were working together."

Over the next couple of hours he proceeded to explain my recent past as well as my more distant one and I found that the more I learned the more surprised I was that I had worked such a case with anyone.

" In conclusion, it would seem that you became more...vulnerable to such detailed pictures because you forgot that you had ever done work like this before. Let alone seen death."

" Is that really what happened to my parents? It sounds a little too... far-fetched."

" Some parts of your past are like that, if you've noticed." This was something I could believe. I mean, what could he possibly get out of lying to me?

" She's connected to these other men and women in some way too, right? Were they all students of hers or fellow teachers too? Are any of them relatives of mine?"

" You are the only Shanton left, Jezebel... and it is about time that I leave. I will tell the ward my plan so that you can contribute more to this case when you have your memories back."

" How much more could I possibly remember if my mother was killed when I was seven?"

" Oh, you'd be surprised... it took you awhile to notice the connection between the murders in Tokyo and a similar murder case in Marseille."

Marseille? I remember having some connection to that place at one point in time but I couldn't remember specifically what it was aside from what L... or rather Deneuve had explained to me. Having all my life's major details explained to me by someone I hardly believed I had ever known was hard to accept.

" By the way, do you still wish to know our relationship with each other?" I stiffened at those words and pictures flashed in my mind. If I had told him so much about my past willingly then...

" I think I have an idea." His eyes lingered on me for a little too long.

" I see. I will visit again soon. Take care of yourself, Fleur." And he left.

So... I had been in an intimate relationship with the best detective in the world? Did he still have feelings for me or had we broken up before I registered myself here?

The look he had given me before he left and what we had been talking about made me think that he and I were still in a relationship. I shivered and bit my lip before I stood up and looked around my room. There was a strong frustration and anger overwhelming and taking over everything else going on when I thought about it all...

Trudging over to the walls and tore down all the papers I could reach, ripping them into as many pieces as possible.

" None of this shit makes any sense." Dropping to my knees and leaning against the wall, I started sobbing quietly to myself.

What was going on?

XCXCXCXCXCXCXCXCXCXCX

This was insanity. She was obviously trying to remember, but the only thing she seemed to be able to remember were things before me. She wanted everything from her past explained as proof of my knowing her.

" Are you feeling well?" Watari asked and I sighed.

" Watari, why is it that I have this thought in my head that keeps telling me she will never be safe away from where she is now?"

" She just needs to take her medication regularly, L." Better yet why was I letting my emotions get the best of me? This only ever happened when Fleur was involved.

Walking around her room had apparently become something that I did on a regular basis when I couldn't think and Watari had even begun to leave multitudes of sweets in the pantry and frig there aside from the drinks that Fleur had left here almost as if it were a sign that she was going to return or had at least planned to some day.

For now, though, while she steadily regained her memories, I had taken it upon myself to finish as much of this puzzle as possible. I had taken it up in the first place specifically because it involved Fleur's mother, a woman that Fleur herself didn't appear to remember or know much about in the first place.

Thing was that I knew I still had to try... for Fleur and the others that were dying because of whoever was behind this.

Earlier I had explained to Fleur that all this had been orchestrated by someone that had known her parents, particularly her mom, and it was highly likely that this person knew of the case that had saying something like ' I know what you did' or something like that. It was equally possible that they wanted revenge and had started this.

These victims of theirs had all died in incidences that revolved around 'trust' as they had all trusted their lives in the hands of someone that they knew. Someone else had been driving Tina's car. There was even a case involving a sky diving trial gone wrong. Aside from that the only other connection with all of them was that they all knew Fleur's mom in one way or another.

" Knowing her she'd just drink her beer after telling me that we could still work with what little we had in some way... and then she'd zone out." I muttered, thinking back to when Fleur was here working with me.

' If only she could remember.' I gritted my teeth together for a moment with that thought.

XCXCXCXCXCXCXCXCXCX

Several months passed and Deneuve and I were steadily making more and more progress in the finding of the person(s) behind all this. Not to mention that I was gradually having my memories return to me so that I could further help with the case. The only thing that was really getting in the way and making things difficult seemed to be my personal feelings for the genius detective that I never let show whenever he visited. Bastien and Susie were back and I was told that it was best I not make conversation with them unless it was absolutely necessary because otherwise... I could go insane.

That was making me get off topic, though. Deneuve was the one that I had been having those dreams about and I got scared and worried every time he got close or touched me because I was afraid that he could see how much I really knew and recalled about things other than that which pertained to the case. It wasn't easy either.

I didn't think it would be this difficult to lie to someone that had seen me without clothes before, but it was more difficult than trying to sew a shield around my brain in order to keep my innermost thoughts to myself.

Knowing that these people had died because they had trusted someone was a stab every time one was killed.

They were making these murders personal because my mother was a very trusting person and she too had died because she had entrusted everything to her husband... my father, and he had, in turn, killed her.

Why the Hell were they doing this? Wasn't it bad enough that I remembered every little tid bit of detail each and every single time I thought about my birthday?

' Wait a minute. How did they know what happened?' My eyes widened and I held my breath. Were these things going on just so that they could get a kick out of my suffering or was there a deeper message? I had killed my father in the end, so were they saying that I should hurry up and find them so that I could kill them too?

" They're pretty much just killing your mom over and over again so it might as well be a death wish." Bastien stated lucidly. His cold words were like the devil on my shoulder.

" Or maybe they just want to help you get through it." And Susie was my angel on the opposite shoulder.

" Deneuve, they know what I did." My voice shook and I attempted to breathe right again.

" I know and I noticed that there was something wrong with that because the only way they could have known was if they were there or if they had been warned of it happening... there are a few more other, more unlikely, possibilities, but it seems that the most likely answer was that they were there or nearby during the time and made the connection."

" Why would they just hold it in for so long?" I hope he didn't turn this against me considering I was holding in certain things as well. The reason why I was doing that was because I was afraid of being getting all lovey-dovey and attached and then getting all paranoid and scaring him away... which in the end would cause him to stop visiting me here and I'd end up alone with no way out of this place.

" Maybe because they wish to take matters into their own hands." L suggested and it sounded like a good possible explanation to me.

" Did you bring any beer?" My absent minded question slid out before I could think the words.

" Actually..." He glanced at Watari who left momentarily and came back with a small ice chest, which he placed on my bed and opened to reveal familiar looking ice cold cans that I thought I'd never see again.

For a moment I could only stare at the beautiful sight before my eyes. Was that container filled with nothing but ice cubes and alcoholic beverages for my consumption alone or was it another cruel hallucination?

With a big smile on my face, I picked up a beer, and pulled back the tab. The sweet sound of fizzing and bubbling made me giggle and I took several gulps that put me back into the most amazing state of mind I've been in since I could newly remember.

Setting it down, I turned around and hugged L for several minutes.

" Thank you, Deneuve." I beamed.

" It was no trouble at all. You are able to legally drink in Tokyo now." He smirked, and I grinned, nodding after I let him go.

" Also, I was wondering if you wanted to move back in so that it would be easier for you to assist me in the case... the only thing is that if the time comes along that it seems to me that you need your medication..."

" If you ask me because you're worried about my sanity or well being then, yeah, I'll start taking it again because I've become so much happier since I stopped taking it."

" I'm glad to hear that." L admitted before turning towards the door.

" All of your things are still there and haven't been touched."

" Seriously? So all the clothes I made and things like that are still there and my mixes too? That's so awesome." I sighed contentedly and glided into the seat of the limo. Did I get driven everywhere like this?

" It's nice to be needed." Peering over at L sitting across from me, I took out another beer and started draining it.

" So, what's happened since I've been gone?"