Verdict
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
"You can't stay here."
Four words. In all his millennia of existence, Cas knew of few other instances in history that have had such impact. He witnessed the caveman discover fire, rudimentarily spreading the knowledge among themselves; almost literally lighting the fire under human ingenuity. He witnessed Julius Caesar conquer thousands, Mohammad unite the Bedouins and Sassanid and Byzantines under a single black flag. He saw Paul of Taurus spread an idea throughout the developing world and Galileo discover the universe. He witnessed Martin Luther King bring about a revolution with simply, "I have a dream." He heard Armstrong when he took those first few steps on Earth's moon, and Charles Darwin discover the finches. He witnessed Hitler dropping out of art school and Confucius' teachings. He himself was present when Babylon was built, and even helped in the formation of the Great Wall.
But never- in all his memory, had he felt the stab in his gut so keenly as he did when those four words were spoken. Even April, when she forced his own blade through his stomach, had caused as much agony. Her cut was clean and sharp. Painful- but fast and short lived. It hadn't twisted and ripped around the tissue muscle and sinew that made up his heart. With April it hadn't gone on longer than ten seconds, allowing for a blissful absence of pain. This- this didn't end. It went on and on, never easing in its' attack. No forgiving darkness was waiting to pull him away- no space for escape.
Throughout it all, Dean just stared at him. It he tried- Cas could almost see regret and sorrow in his eyes. But that doesn't make any sense. Dean's the one kicking him out; if he wanted him to stay then this wouldn't be happening. The errant thought of 'why' bubbled up in his head. 'Did I say something wrong? Did I do anything out of place?' The specifics didn't matter. Not really.
The more he thought about it, the more it started to make sense. It was blatantly obvious- he almost was ashamed that he had ever thought otherwise. He was human now- useless. He barely knows how to feed himself, let alone be of any help on a hunt. It's not like they have the capacity to babysit him. There's only so long he could say he's learning – that he's trying. What's that Dean had said? 'Baby in a trench coat? Only babies whine?' Excuses were just that- and unless he became useful, of course they couldn't afford to have him around. He himself advocated for the severance of liabilities. Kind of an ironic shock to become one, though.
At the same time- a small selfish part of him, a little voice in the back of his head was disappointed. After all the years they'd known each other, after all he'd given up and sacrificed, he'd have though that he would have been allowed a little more time before being sent out and on his way. Sure he messed up, sure this was all his fault – but didn't they make mistakes as well? Grave ones? Phrases like 'I'd do anything for family', 'I'd rather have you, cured or not' and 'Cas, it's me. We're family. We need you. I need you.' Rolled from ear to ear – floating in front of his face. If he really was family, didn't that make this his home to?
When these thoughts caught up with him, he was ashamed. Dean was only doing what he had to do- what made sense. The right thing- really. Thousands of angels were on the ground- thirsty for blood. His. All he would bring is more unnecessary complications for the two brothers.
Normally, when he was thinking, barely a second would have passed around him. Now though – his brain seemed slower; loosing its sharp decisive edge. It pained him slightly; the realization that the one thing that he thought remained untouched and his own was also compromised. He briefly wondered if that to, would be lost to him. If one day he would wake up and have forgotten all the lost civilizations, forgotten dialects, and erased history. Cas forcefully pushed the thoughts back. It wouldn't do any good to think about that now. Instead, he focused on the man in front of him. Dean was no longer looking at him, having turned away and was staring hard at his arm.
Voice thick, Cas forced the words out from around the blockage in his throat.
"Okay."
Dean's eyes flashed back to him- shock out and surprised anger showing in his eyes. Cas felt something swell in his chest. What did Dean want him to do, beg and plead just to be thrown out anyway? Dean may think that he's ignorant, but he could tell when something was hopeless and when he wasn't wanted. He could also tell when he wasn't needed. And his presence here- wasn't.
"I'll- go grab my stuff."
On immobile shaky legs, Cas pushed up from the chair and headed for what he had foolishly believed was his room. Shame burned through him and forced his head down. On his way he concentrated on breathing, trying to make it around the burn in his chest. He focused on the paradox that was his legs. 'How could they be stiff and solid? Yet shaky and close to collapse? They almost feel liquefied- but also like two pillars. Was this natural? Did humans deal with this all the time? Or is it just another thing that sets me apart? Maybe if I breath in a different way…' These thoughts kept him going until he rounded the hallway to his room. He vaguely heard Dean shout his name- the syllable laced with frustration.
Cas had every intention of slipping into his room and closing the door before having to face Dean again. His head was roiling, skewing his vision. A pressure was building up behind his eyes- and the last thing he wanted to do was have to turn around and he looked at Dean. He saw the door and was almost inside, relief coursing through his veins. When he felt a heavy hand on his arm he tried to pull away, desperation seizing at his throat.
"Hey! Cas come on!"
"I'm allowed to grab my stuff before I go, right?" Cas rushed out. He squeezed his eyes shut, wishing over anything that he could just fly out of this room. But then again, if he could do that, he wouldn't be having to hear this conversation in the first place. Couldn't he just have a minute to himself?
"What?! Cas no! You don't have to run out this minute! Let me just, look. I'm gonna set you up with Garth. He's a weird little guy, but I mean, you are to, so I'm sure you guys will get along fine. I have a couple of fake ID's and some cash you can grab. And then we're gonna need to gather some clothes and food… you can stay the night, Cas. We're not gonna throw you out on the streets, man. We're family.
Cas didn't know whether to cry or scream at his last statement. Instead, he did neither, and said the only thing he could think of.
"Thank you, Dean."
So viola! Chapter 1! Please let me know what you think!
Read x Review .
~Magnolia
