Sherlock knew he would never get it. John would never understand his reasoning. He would never understand that it was the way it had to be. He would have included John if he could, but there would have been so many uncertain variables that it wasn't possible.

Sherlock very nearly regretted his decision when he saw the look on John's face. The hollow emptiness of his glazed over eyes upon seeing Sherlock smashed into the pavement. Very nearly. The next three years made Sherlock not regret it. There were times when he was grateful his companion wasn't aware he was alive. Times when the chase hit too close to home, too close for comfort. Doctor Watson's medical and military knowledge kept him out of the worst trouble. Even if he wasn't aware of it.

The look was Sherlock's motivation during the most lonesome and arduous moments of his journey. The look told Sherlock everything that he needed to know about John. Everything that he couldn't read from his physical being. He had devastated John. John had loved him, unconditionally. Despite everything that Sherlock had put him through, John still loved him.

There were times when the look would haunt his dreams as well. The fear of it being permanent crossed Sherlock's mind too many times. He needed to do this. He needed to hunt down the anchors of Moriarty's web and cut the other strings as necessary. And he needed to do it all alone. John would only be a distraction. He needed all of his mental capacity to be focused on the job at hand, not worrying if John was okay or knew what was going on. Baker Street is the safest place Sherlock knows for John.

Without John, everything goes much quicker. He can find connections faster and move about freely. It's a miracle he's remembered to eat anything or sleep during his mission. It's only because his body forces him to after a certain period of neglect; and he has a mental image of John nagging at him.

Sherlock falls onto the covers of the hotel's bed. His body can't keep up with his mind. Exhaustion washes over him and the look is brought to the forefront of his mind as he drifts into unconsciousness. He dreams though. He dreams of the look that John will have upon seeing him again.


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