I've got another story because I was having trouble with Fanfiction uploading things, so I wrote this while I was bored.
Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious or its characters.
I ran into my room and my cell phone rang.
"What, Beck?" I asked, pissed off. I didn't know if he could hear the hurt that laced my voice.
"Jade, I didn't mean to-"
"No, Beck! You never mean to!" I hung up on him.
Why? Why did I ever trust myself to let another person in? Only two people had ever made it past the walls I put up around my heart: Beck and Cat.
I knew better than to let Beck in. I knew better than to fall in love. I knew better than to believe Beck when he told me he loved me.
I knew better.
I stood up and walked over to my dresser, where I kept my PearPod connected to the speakers. I took it off for a second, going through my songs. I spotted one that I listen to whenever Beck and I break up.
Cry, by Rihanna.
I put it on loop and lay down on my bed, closing my eyes.
The song played.
"Why'd you do it, Beck? Why'd you kiss her?" Tori Vega's second day of Hollywood Arts. Beck and I were in the janitor's closet, and I had been crying moment before.
"Jade, it was a stage kiss. Nothing more, I promise. I love you," He had said, kissing me. I had believed him.
"Why'd you fake the black eye?" He yelled.
"Beck!" I had yelled back. "I can't believe you're taking her side again!"
"I'm not! I just don't understand why you'd feel the need to do something like that! You had me scared! I really thought Tori had hit you! I should have known better."
I had broken down crying, knowing that he was right, and depressed that he'd taken Vega's side again. He had apologized and told me he loved me again. I had believed him.
There were so many times like that.
Stupid fucking Vega.
She had to come to Hollywood Arts. She had to take all of my roles, take all of my friends, and steal my boyfriend.
He denied it, but I saw the way she looked at him. I noticed how he almost always took her side.
The song began to replay.
I had always loved the piano intro.
I could play it perfectly. But I could play almost any sad song perfectly on the piano.
I reached under my bed, pulling out my box of scissors.
Why'd you hurt me, Beck? I thought desperately. I began to cut up a picture of Vega.
The picture quickly became shreds.
Then to the point that the pieces were so thin and small, that it was like dust.
Beck had always been appalled that I could do that to almost anything with just a pair of scissors.
But thinking about Beck just made me hurt more.
I wanted it to go away.
I wanted Beck to go away.
I wanted Vega to die. Painfully.
But then I realized that it wasn't them.
It was me.
That hurt more. I knew I could be a bitch. I knew that I was over protective of Beck, but it was because I love him.
I hated my life. I hated that I had let Cat in my heart, because she was so innocent and didn't deserve to have a bitchy best friend, and I hated that I had fallen in love with Beck. I hated that Vega had ever come to the school.
The song began to play for a third time.
I'm not the type to get my heart broken,
I wasn't the type to get hurt like this, because I had only ever let Cat in after things went downhill with my family. Then along came Beck with his stupid beautiful grin and amazing personality. I quickly fell for him, but I shouldn't have, otherwise I wouldn't be in this situation right now.
I'm not the type to get upset and cry,
I tried so hard to never cry in front of anybody but Cat and Beck. But, it was usually in front of Cat, because of something that had happened with Beck.
Cause I never leave my heart open.
I'd spent a long time building the walls around my heart, just so that Beck could crush them into a fine powder and gain access to a different me. The me that was nicer, and had emotions other than bitchy.
Never hurts me to say goodbye.
I'd never had a problem saying goodbye to anyone. Not even Cat, because I always knew I'd see her again. But, with Beck, it was different. I'd always dreaded saying goodbye, fearing that as soon as I left, he'd never let me back in. That he'd finally realize that I was nothing to him, and that there was so much better out there for him. Like Vega. My father enjoyed pointing that out.
Relationships don't get deep to me,
I always tried to stay away from love. From caring about people, because I always knew it would come back to bite me.
Never got the whole in love thing
I never understood how anybody could fall in love until I met Beck. He had shown me what it had been like to have someone that cared about how you were doing. So I thought.
And someone can say they love me truly,
Beck had said he loved me so many times, and so many times, I'd believed him.
But at the time it didn't mean a thing,
I always had held those three words of his close, but I was sixteen. What had I known about love? All I had known was that it was something I truly felt for Beck, but I thought he never truly returned it.
My mind is gone,
Beck had caused so much pain for me, but I'd caused his life to get so fucked up. Beyond fucked up. I'd made his family get mad at him for dating me. His aunt wouldn't fucking let him take me anywhere near her or her side of the family. His mom and dad hated me. Hell, I hated me. Then I remembered the scissors I held in my hand.
I'm spinnin round,
I felt the cool metal against my skin. I stared at my distorted reflection in the blades.
And deep inside my tears I'll drown,
The first tear amongst many fell and I knew that it would drown out this terrible pain. I knew that with one movement, my pain would be masked by a more enjoyable form of it.
I'm losing grip,
Half of me screamed not to do it, and that Beck really did love me. But another part of me, a very persuasive part of me, whispered that it was a filthy fucking lie, and I had been living in a fantasy world, believing that Beck loved me, and that he wouldn't care.
What's happening?
I felt the war of ethics going on inside of me and sat there while it raged, the silky smooth metal grazing my skin ever so lightly.
I stray from love,
I always hid from any positive emotion that I'd ever felt for anybody, but stupid Beck had made it all the way through. My heart had been his, and now I felt empty.
This is how I feel,
I could sense the underlying anger in me, ready to jump out at any second, ready to destroy everything in its path; including itself. Me.
This time was different,
This time was different. I had stopped believing Beck when he told me he loved me. I had ignored his voice as he yelled for me to come back to school as I walked away from the building.
Felt like I was just a victim,
He'd taken my heart and destroyed it. The first boy I'd given myself away to in every way possible takes my heart and destroys it. I saw images of Beck kissing Vega and the anger that had been beginning to boil broke loose completely.
And it cut me like a knife,
I dragged the blade against my skin, pressing down hard. It stung for a few seconds, but then a blissful pain set in and I saw the crimson blood come up along the straight line. I hadn't pressed hard enough for the blood to trail down my arm yet, but when I pressed down the second time, more of the warm liquid came up and ran down into my palm, where I caught it.
When you walked out of my life,
I had been the one to walk away from Beck and I knew it. Maybe I shouldn't have, but then again…It seemed only fair that they didn't have to put up with me any longer.
Now I'm in this condition,
I pressed the blade on my arm for a third time, feeling it cut open my skin once more, and once more loving the pain. I began to think of Cat.
And I've got all the symptoms of a girl with a broken heart,
Poor Cat. She'd be so heartbroken, but she'd move on. She'd take Vega as a new best friend, Beck would take Vega as a new girlfriend, Andre would continue to make beautiful music, and be his happy self, and Robbie would no longer have to worry about me throwing Rex, or ripping Rex's head off, or his arm, or anything like that, whilst Rex would continue making jokes about the 'Wicked Witch of the West'.
But no matter what you'll never see me cry.
That was a lie. Of course I was crying. Every time the pain faded from my cuts, the other pain would come back and the tears continued to fall. I felt a few tears fall in and mix with my blood on my newest cut.
Did it happen when we first kissed?
I remembered that. We were in the hallway and he'd caught me off guard, his lips pressing against mine. I regretted that. I regretted falling in love with him.
Cuz it's hurting me to let it go.
I really didn't want to forget any of it, but at the same time I did. I knew it had to end. I had to end Beck's suffering. I had to end Cat's suffering. I had to end my suffering.
Maybe it's because we spent so much time
Beck and I had spent almost every moment together, and I thought he had loved me. But I was wrong. Oh, man, I was so wrong.
And I know that it's no more.
We were over. I knew I had ended it, and if I hadn't, then I was about to.
Never should have let you hold me, baby
I never should have said anything to him. I should have ignored the butterflies I got in my stomach when I looked at him. I never should have let his hand stay on mine that day. Never.
Maybe that's why I'm sad to see us apart
It killed me to know I'd never see him or Cat again. It hurt knowing that I'd never say goodbye properly. But I could fix that. Right? I could say a final goodbye, without giving it away, right?
I didn't give it to you on purpose
I had never intentionally let Beck Oliver have my heart.
Can't figure out how you stole my heart,
But he'd gotten it anyway. I'm so sorry Cat, I thought. I'm sorry, Beck. But they couldn't hear me, they weren't with me. I knew I had to say a final goodbye soon, otherwise I'd never be able to say it.
My mind is gone
I began to dial Cat's number. I didn't know what I was going to say.
I'm spinnin round
"Hello?" I heard Cat's beautiful, bubbly voice.
And deep inside my tears I'll drown
"Jade?" I was having trouble responding. I began to choke on my tears.
I'm losing grip
"Cat, I'm so sorry. For everything. I love you Cat. You're like my sister. I'm so sorry. I hope you'll forgive me someday, but I really do love you, Cat."
What's happening?
"Jadey?" I could hear the sadness lining her voice.
"Yeah, Cat?"
"I love you, too." I could tell she knew this was probably the last goodbye.
"Bye, Cat." The tears fall harder, and I hear her begin to cry, too.
"Don't cry, Kitty Cat. It'll be okay. Just remember that I love you, no matter what."
"Bye, Jadey. I love you, too, no matter what. Bigger than the sky," She began her final goodbye to me.
"More than the universe." I finished, and we hung up.
I stray from love
I click the speed dial button for Beck's number. 143, because I loved him.
This is how I feel
"Jade?" He asked into the phone. I felt everything come up. My anger at him, my sadness, my happiness that he had answered. My love for him.
This time was different
"Beck, I love you so much."
"Jade I love you too. What's wrong, babe?" Babe. I loved how that sounded coming from him.
"Nothing, Beck. I'm sorry that I screwed your life up so much, I'm sorry that I took up two years of your attention. You deserve better than me, and I'm setting you free."
"Jade, that's nonsense. You've made my life an adventure. Yeah, you can be difficult at times, but if anything, you've made my life better. You've given me love."
"I do love you, Beck, but I'm so, so, sorry. I never should have done it." I didn't know exactly which 'it' I was referring to: Me pouring coffee on Vega's head; me kissing Beck for the first time; looking into his eyes for the first time ever. Holding his hand; hugging him, the first I love you, our first night together; I didn't know for sure.
Maybe all of it.
Felt like I was just a victim
"Jade, you have nothing to be sorry about. I never should have kissed Vega when she first got here. I never should have tried to make you jealous, and I shouldn't have done what I did today. Will you forgive me, Jade?"
He was always so sweet, and delicate with my feelings. Except for times when we were purposely trying to hurt each other, and sometimes when he didn't mean to hurt me. And he'd called her Vega.
"I love you, Beck. Just remember that, okay? Just remember that I always will love you, and I want you to be there for Cat when she needs it, okay?"
And it cut me like a knife when you walked out of my life
I could feel the world slipping out from underneath me as the final cut was delivered, and I began talking to Beck rapidly, trying to hold on for a second longer, to finish what I had called to say.
Now I'm in this condition
"I really am sorry for being super possessive and really bitchy, Beck. I love you, and I don't want you to ever forget it. I want you to have the life I was holding you back from."
And I've got all the symptoms of a girl with a broken heart.
"Jade," His voice cracked and so did my heart. "I love you too. Please don't do this, Jade."
But no matter what you'll never see me cry.
"I have to." More tears, and I could hear it in Beck's voice that he was holding back his own.
How did I get here with you? I'll never know.
"Jade, don't. I love you. I don't want to lose you."
Never meant to let it get so personal.
"You're not losing me, Beck. You'll know where I am."
And after all I tried to do,
"Jade…I don't want to live without you." Those were my thoughts earlier today, but more like, 'Beck, I can't live without you.'
To stay away from loving you.
"I'm sorry Beck. I truly am. But I needed to end it."
I'm broken hearted and I can't let you know.
"Why?" It was one word, but I knew how much meaning it held for him. I had to answer; no matter how much more it broke my heart. It would all be over soon anyway, so I figured what the hell, he deserves to know.
I won't let it show
"Because this world held too much pain for me. And I didn't want to make you guys suffer any longer."
You won't see my cry.
"I wasn't suffering. I was happy with you, Jade. I love you. Nobody else, and that will never change."
This time was different.
This time, I knew he meant it.
Felt like I was just a victim
I knew it was ending.
And it cut me like a knife.
"I really am sorry. I can't say it many more times, but I do mean it. And I love you much more than you will ever know, Beck."
When you walked out of my life,
I could feel his hurt. I could feel Cat's hurt.
I could practically see her sitting in her pink, frilly room, confused and upset at what I've done.
Now I'm in this condition and I've got all the symptoms of a girl with a broken heart.
"Does-does Cat know?"
And no matter what you'll never see me cry
"Yes. You two are the only ones. I want you to be the one to sit down and explain everything to her. I should have a long time ago, but I didn't. I didn't want to destroy her innocence."
This time was different,
I could feel my heart break into a million pieces as Beck agreed to do so.
Felt like I was just a victim
"Put it nicely. She understands, but not completely. Make sure she doesn't hurt more than she absolutely has to."
And it cut me like a knife
The world was getting darker by the second.
When you walked out of my life,
"I love you, Beck. We could have had it all. I'm sorry."
Now I'm in this condition and I've got all the symptoms of a girl with a broken heart.
He was silent for a moment.
And no matter what you'll never see me cry
"I love you too, Jade. More than anything in the world. It will always be you."
I closed my phone gently.
All my life.
The last tear fell, and then it all went black.
What'd ya think? I didn't like the ending so much...Maybe I should make a it a multi chapter story where you guys choose what happens? It's up to you, my lovely readers.
