Chapter 1. Numbness & Cruel Thinkings

People. They were everywhere. And they kept saying how sorry they were. Why would you say that to someone? Is it supposed to make them feel better that your sorry they lost someone. I couldn't stay their any longer. I had to get away. But I couldn't. So instead I just won't let anyone see me fall apart. To everyone I probably looked cold hearted. Not shedding a single tear, or speaking a word to anyone. It was like I was dead on the outside. But on the inside I was freaking out.

I leaned my head against the wall and closed my eyes in an attempt to block out the people. But even my subconscious wasn't safe. I kept seeing the images. They were just flashes but so vivid that I could feel the blood and smell the smoke. And the worst part was I couldn't escape them. They just kept flashing by. Why won't they go away? Why can't things just go back to normal? Because, a voice in my head kept reminding me, you're not normal.

I was jolted out of the images. Away from the criticizing voice by an arm wrapping around my waist and someone's warm breath on my ear. I jumped from the shock. And the mysterious person began to whisper soothing words.

"SHHH. It's okay." I knew that voice. In fact I knew that voice well. It belonged to the one person I always trusted. Who held me whether he had to or not. It was Jacob.

He continued speaking. "Bells, I know what you're going through and its okay to cry." That was just it. He was wrong. He thought he knew what I was going through. But it wasn't the same as what he went through. They, his father and him, had warning of his mom's death. She was sick for a long time. They were told by doctors, specialists and even his mom herself that she wouldn't hold on much longer. But I got no warning. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to prepare myself. One minute Charlie was there and the next he was gone.

Jake was wrong. I couldn't cry. You cant cry when you cant feel. And that's just what I felt. Nothing, the world was numb.

I looked up at Jake. He was taller with his 6'1'' beating my 5'2''. I looked down at his russet colored arm around my waist. Jake was always protecting me. He was my guardian angel. Always has been.

During my little mind rant Jake kept talking. "Bells, I've talked to Dad. He and I think it would be best if you came and stayed with us for a while. You don't need to go back to an empty house."

That's what he said but it sounded more like "Bells, I've talked to Dad. We both think your to unstable to stay by yourself in a motel somewhere and since the police won't let you back in your house we want you with us." I didn't tell him this. I didn't tell him that I could see the sympathy in his eyes and that I didn't want it, not any of it. I didn't tell him anything at all. I just nodded my head up and down.

That was all Jake needed. He began to steer me away from the crowd. Away from the people, to his car. Once again he was my angel.

In the car, an old Rabbit that Jake himself rebuilt during his freshman year, Jake placed one hand on the wheel and the other on my hand that resided on top of my leg. As he drove I stared down at our hands. Mine was pale and thin, while his was tan and muscular. We didn't fit. How much longer could we keep this up? Jake and I. I mean who were we fouling? We were from two separate worlds. It's not that I think I'm better than him. It's that I think he deserves better than me. Glancing up to the owner of the hand I was glad Jake couldn't read my mind. He just kept driving, blissfully unaware, out of Forks and onto the reservation. La Push. It was just another reminder of our differences.

The house looked the same as always. A little run down but homey. Like the happiest family lived there. And it did. Jake and his dad, Billy, were the best of the best. I remember days when I'd come with Charlie to hangout with Jake while he and Billy watched the game. This house was my second home. But as I looked at it now I had a different perspective. It was no longer my home. It was a house.

Jake came around the car and lead me up the stairs and threw the door. He explained that I would take his room and he'd bunk on the couch. If this were any other time I'd put up a fight. Why would I take his room? But I was too numb and tired to argue. Instead I just nodded along and allowed Jake to lead me upstairs.

In front of the door to his room he paused. Clumsily he began "Look Bella, I don't know the whole story, and that's okay, you can tell me when you're ready. But I just want you to know that I'm still here. I'm still me and I'll be here for you if you need anything." And then he looked me straight in the eyes and said something I don't think ill ever forget. "I love you Bells."

I froze up. Well more than I already was, if that's even possible. I couldn't say anything. I just wanted things to go back to normal. Shut up with the normal already. You are never going to be normal. There goes that stupid voice again. It taunted me with its statement.

Instead of responding like any normal girlfriend would do, I just leaned up and kissed his cheek. Jake seemed to understand. He let it go and opened the door for me.

heY everYone, so this is my very first fanfiction and reviews would be much appreciated. if anY of You like this storY ill continue....

Love all, Essie