Still holding the handle. Her muscles relaxed slowly as she she softened her hold. She closed her eyes and thought about everything that happened; the first time they realized something was wrong. Went to the hospital. Started treatment. And this. It can't be. It's too soon. He's so young. This can't be it. There must be something she could do. Anything.
She opened her eyes as the nurse approached her and told something. She did not understand a word she said. She just gestured her in and started walking in the corridors, without having the slightest idea of where to go. She walked and walked. Checked every single room with her eyes, very still. They had lost their sparks and aged in the last few hours somehow. She felt… She felt nothing. It was as if everything that made her who she is were gone now. She did not know where to go, what to do after this moment. That gloomy hospital room, that dreadful room had swallowed her baby and there was nothing she could do.
She felt a hand on her arm. A bit startled by the touch, she turned to see who that was. It was the nurse she let in the room few minutes ago… Or was it more than few minutes? She wasn't sure.
"I'm sorry if i scared you but we need to take.. Charlie out of the room now.. and your husband.. your husband is having hard time saying.. goodbye to him." Theresa ended her struggle by nodding and heading back to the room.
As they got close to the room, Theresa fell behind. One hand on the handle , the nurse turned to her and gave her a warm little smile. She could see how much she was suffering and did not want to push her but this was something she had to do, and that, they both knew.
"You didn't say goodbye to him. You can't let him go without a proper goodbye." she said softly. Theresa stood still and then walked in the room as the nurse opened the door for her. The nurse realized the tears on her eyes as she came closer and walked in. No one deserves to see the death of their children, she thought as she walked in the room right behind Theresa.
Theresa saw him holding Charlie tight to himself. He was yelling at the nurses and the doctors in the room that were trying to take her boy. All the gazes turned to her as she walked in. All their eyes were pleading her to stop this. Just another boy for them. Looking forward to end this dramatic charade and go back to their jobs, she thought.
He finally saw her and looked at her blank until she muttered the words softly.
"You're hurting him." He softened his grab on their boy immediately. "Give us a moment please." As soon as they heard the words, all the nurses and doctors in the room walked out. He watched them leave with lifeless and tired look in his eyes. Theresa did not move, did not change her stance. He finally turned to her and said, "I'm not giving him to them.". The tone in his voice was distant and no familiar to Theresa. I'm not the enemy, she thought. As he was still staring at her, her eyes turned to Charlie. How small he looked now. As tears welled up in her eyes again, she approached her boys without taking her eyes off Charlie. Theresa sat on the bed, next to them and took Charlie in her arms. Tears were coursing down her cheeks and she could not stop one from falling down on her son's face. "Oh" she said with a faint smile. "I know how much you hate seeing people cry. I'm sorry... I just can't stop it." As she started sobbing, her husband burst into tears too. She looked up at him and their eyes met. She touched his cheek softly and smiled at him weakly. He rested his face on her palm and kept crying.
"I love you Charlie. I love you more than anything in the world. I'm sorry for everytime i was mad at you. For everytime i shouted at you. And for all the times you were mad at me. I wouldn't do any of it if i could take back the time. Forgive me please. And wait for me.. I won't be long baby. I promise. I'll be there soon." She kept on whispering her last words as she kissed him multiple times.
He combed her hair with his fingers and raised her head softly. He massaged her temple with his thumb. When she looked at him, she saw that he had stopped crying. They stayed like that until he leant over Charlie and kissed him on forehead for the last time. Then he stood up slowly and left the room.
"Arnold." Theresa whispered after him. After a brief moment of silence she pulled herself together. She gently layed her boy down on the bed and called for the nurse.
