If things were different Balthazar wouldn't be fighting a war against his own brothers. If he just done right and chosen a different path he could be on earth. It was too late to change his path though. Too much time had passed and he was sure he'd never get a chance to fix his wrong. So he used his pain, loss, and anger to fuel the fire so he could be the best soldier heaven had ever homed. Even if his chest ached and he felt excruciatingly empty, he made his choice and fully intended on living with them. Though most would contest he wasn't really living.
Back before time began he had mingled with the other angels in heaven. There wasn't a care in his life. He didn't know the pains or sorrows of not being in heaven. His brothers kept him company and the loved their lives in the skies. But things couldn't stay the same. They all knew their father had plans to do something, create something to make their existence meaningful. No one could fathom the affect god's newest creations would have on them. But who were they but loyal to their father. So when the humans appeared and Lucifer turned against the father every single one of them questioned their loyalties. If the very breath of god could defy him so painfully what kept them from doing the same.
The floods destroyed most of the humans and Balthazar watched as they tried to start over again. He didn't understand why his father didn't just erase them all and start over, and he wouldn't for thousands of years. When things started to go awry again god kept himself out of it. He had so much faith that the humans would do the right thing that he let everything happen. But then Lucifer appointed the horsemen and the future was forged. God couldn't sit around and see the creatures he loved so strongly be destroyed by one of his first born. So he had the scroll written and determined the destiny of a family that wouldn't exist for years to come.
Balthazar hated that god would sentence two people to death without them even having a chance. But he was a mere angel and could easily be cast from heaven. So on the night he heard the prayer he made a choice. The pure sorrow in the prayer touched him so deeply he wept for the human who had no chance and didn't know otherwise. Everything was stacked against the family, since Moses got on the ark, there wasn't anything that anything could do to stop it. A prayer from a family member so many generations back that the name had been lost sealed the fate of two brothers that wanted nothing but to keep each other live. They were sentenced to kill each other because one man couldn't stand that he was going to die with no meaning to his lineage.
Eventually he lost his compassion for the humans. He saw their misdeeds and how little they cared for each other and realized he shouldn't care either. So he fled from heaven. His heart hardened to their blights and he realized that he couldn't ever go home. Balthazar cared so little for the humans he used to feel so deeply for that he knew he could never go back to heaven. Not while his job was to protect heaven so they could live out eternity in peace.
Realizing he was homeless, Balthazar got lost in his hatred for the vile creatures that caused so much turmoil in the heavens. He stopped caring about everything except himself. Everything he did was to please himself and make himself happy. He didn't care what happened to anyone in his way. The people he used were nothing to him. Nothing mattered because he had nothing to go back to and nothing to live for. But angels couldn't commit suicide. They couldn't destroy the life given to them by their father. Not even Balthazar, the cold hard shell of what he used to be, could validate destroying the gift he knew he didn't deserve. So he lived on earth among the very creatures he never wanted to see again.
He was doing a good job of not caring, hating everything, and burning every bridge he crossed until he heard a voice in his head. It took him only a second to realize he was being prayed to. The voice was so startling he dropped his glass. He hadn't heard the prayers of anyone in thousands of years. But he knew right away who he was hearing. The descendent of the man who prayed his family exist for a reason. Instead of trying to block it out, Balthazar listened to the tiny childlike voice pray for the safety of his family.
Over the years Balthazar heard every prayer from that day on. It was a constant sound that as time went on, Balthazar began to love. As the boy grew older Balthazar felt the ice around his heart melting. He'd sit around for days listening to every thought in his head. As the boy grew his prayers got less frequent until they stopped all together. Balthazar knew the state of the world and could guess what was happening to the human. And his heart grew hot with anger. Over the years he'd grown quite attached to the man and to realize that he might not ever hear his voice again scared him. But the bond was broken and there was nothing he could do to get it back.
For the next few years Balthazar let his anger grow. Until the day an old friend showed up in his life. Balthazar hadn't expected any being to know he still existed. He'd thought that over the years the others would just assume he disappeared or was killed for trying to escape heaven. But when Castiel showed up in his home he knew his cover was blown.
"Hello Cassie," Balthazar sighed setting down his coffee.
"I need your help," Castiel stated.
"Sorry sweetie I don't do the whole subservient thing," Balthazar replied.
"You will because I know you are bound with the human Sam Winchester. I know when he prays it is to you. He is in trouble and I need your help," Castiel countered.
Balthazar hadn't known the name of the man who prayed to him. He knew it was one of the destined ones written in history as the weapons of Michael and Lucifer. But he didn't care to know any deeper because to know his human would do nothing but break his heart and that was something Balthazar couldn't allow. Having feelings for even just one person was more than enough. But a personal relationship would cost him more than he was willing to give up.
"I don't care Cas," Balthazar countered.
"Balthazar, I am not asking you to help. Sam needs you. We all need you," Castiel tried.
The words hit him like darts. Castiel was incapable of lying to him so they had to be the truth. And if the other angel didn't really need help he would never ask for it. Balthazar sighed. It would break every single rule he'd set for himself to help the Winchester brothers but he couldn't let Sam die. Not having Sam around was worse than never hearing him pray again.
"Alright but don't get used to asking for favors," Balthazar caved.
