So Free
"If I tell you something…promise you won't be mad?"
That wasn't really want I wanted to say. I wanted to say so much more but I couldn't.
-You'll never look at me that way again-
-You won't understand-
-I'm not a child anymore, not a little girl-
-I'm scared but I can't cry-
But no, all I could do was look at my brother with so fragile eyes and ask if I had permission to deliver the news that he should've gotten so long ago. What was my excuse for waiting so long?
I wanted to tell him, but then I couldn't. Every time my tongue got tied until it was so hard to utter but a word that I figured the news was long lost in the mail.
"Ok shoot."
He seemed to look at me so willing to hear me out. But. But.
-The demons won't leave me alone-
-Will the guilt ever crack-
I didn't know girls like me were aloud to be so afraid.
"Michael and I had sex in August. I'm pregnant. I've been pregnant."
"What?"
-My whole world was changed-
-I didn't know where to turn-
"Zan?"
"What?"
"I don't want it to get weird between the three of us. You know, once Rylie and I have babies…"
"Yeah."
That wasn't what I wanted to say. I just didn't know how to face him. I wanted to tell him so much more.
-Please don't hate me, for what I did-
-I'm afraid you won't look at me anymore, think I've changed-
-I don't want this to ruin our relationship, your still my brother-
-You're my brother-
-Don't leave me alone-
-I'm sorry-
"Zan?"
"Yeah?"
"Your not mad are you?" his silence was scaring me. I was scared he was going to leave me alone with my demons, to fight them off by myself.
"Things are going to change a lot…but no."
-He doesn't love me any less, even though he knows what I did-
-My fears can sleep at night-
That was my last fear I would ever let control me.
Fears were like tears in the rain, lost. Forgotten. Gone.
"I'm like the worst sister ever" I let escape in a moment of vulnerability. A rare one at that. No one was supposed to know the perfect daughter of Zeus wasn't perfect. Unless everyone else already knew, and I was just figuring it out.
Makes are made. We move on. People are made. Love is made. From mistakes.
"In some ways you are. In others your the best."
Finally, at least in someone's eyes. I'm the best at something. Even if it's not true.
If I tell you something, promise you won't get mad?
I am so free.
