Disclaimer: I don't own the compillation of FFVII nor its characters. Please don't sue me, I'm just spreading the love! orz

Warning: All characters are genderbent. No exceptions (yes, that includes fem!Hojo). Includes het, slash, femslash and multi pairings.

Also, this is a crackfic/parody. If you take this seriously... err... I don't think it's humanly possible. So there. You've been warned.

Zack/Aerith

Cissnei/Zack

Clack (in Japanese, it sounds like "crack". I wonder why... n.n)

CloTi

Tifa/Aeris bromance(?)

Angeal/Genesis/Sephiroth bromance(?)[2]

Angeal/Zack mentor/student cracky fluff

Zack Fair/Angeal Hewley/Genesis Rhapsodos/Sephiroth/Cloud Strife

And a lot of other strange pairings.

In this universe, Yuri is Yaoi and Yaoi is Yuri. lol

This AN will only appear in this chapter, so read carefully.

000

Clouds and Melons

000

Melons. Cloud Strife, a dashing twenty-eight years old man was being suffocated by a pair of warm, squishy melons. 'Judging by the softness, these must be rotten melons… they do say putrefaction generates heat…' Raising his hands, he tried to move the supposed fruits from his nose…CRUNCH!

Ouch, his face hurt… maybe it was some kind of monster and… realizing his eyes were shut, he slowly opened them, blinking at the harsh light.

"My, Sapphire! Such violence is unbecoming of a lady. A slap should have sufficed," exclaimed a beautiful red-headed woman, who promptly knelt to cast Cure on the poor girl. Sapphire crossed her arms over her ample assets and huffed in annoyance.

Looking at his attacker, Cloud promptly fainted.

Noting the blonde's nose was still bleeding, a black-haired woman in full SOLDIER uniform turned to her apprentice and said, "Zelia, go fetch a doctor. Genevieve healed her broken nose, but it's still bleeding severely…"

"Okay!" Zelia Fair, SOLDIER 2nd Class saluted and headed towards the hospital floor.

Gene rolled her eyes, "Angela, dear… we have PHS for a reason."

The black-haired woman simply shrugged, "Zelia likes the exercise. It's that or squats, so I try to make her walk as much as possible."

"Hm…"

000

His priorities were probably fried, but he couldn't really get over the fact that fem!Sephiroth still wore the exact, same clothes as her male counterpart. Blood still dripped from his nose, even after the hot girl in red healed it.

Wait a minute. Backtrack a little…

Hot girl in red... red hair… walking by Sephiroth's side… Oh crap, that was Genesis!

Wait one more minute.

'Did I just call that LOVELESS fanatic hot… twice?'

A small part of Cloud tried to remind him that his nose was bleeding due to a female Sephiroth. He stomped on it until it was reduced to dust.

Opening his eyes, Cloud couldn't help but focus on the silver-haired woman. Dammit, even as a woman she was tall.

Suddenly a girl's voice broke the silence, "Angela, the nurses were being mean again!"

Turning to the voice, he could only mutter, "Damn, Zack and Angeal are hot too," before fainting again.

000

Cloud woke up to find himself in a strange room. The wall was painted in pastel tones with apple motif and the floor was covered by a fluffy beige carpet. On a table, he could see an assortment of materia, all held in cute straw baskets decorated with ribbons. Was that a pink bra on the chair?... There was also a four-poster bed with lace curtains on the other side of the room and some wooden chests scattered around the corners.

He was about to get up when the door opened to reveal Zelia, bouncing in her blue SOLDIER second class uniform. "So you're awake! Took you long enough!"

"Where am I?" Cloud asked quietly.

"Oh! I'm sorry; my name is Zelia Fair, SOLDIER second class. You're in my room right now. Well, mine and Angela's. After you fainted, I went looking for a doctor, but the nurses kicked me out of the hospital floor before I could find one. Sleeping on the floor is bad for your health, so I brought you here! Also, I've never seen you before. Are you a new girl?"

Dazed, Cloud automatically responded, "Claudia."

Seconds later, his brain caught up with his mouth and his eyes widened. 'Claudia?'

Looking down, he let out a girly shriek and fainted yet again.

000

Hm... review?

Pretty please?

(I'm shamelessly begging here.)