They say you never know what you've got till it's gone but I did. I knew before she said goodbye. It's a lie to say I knew from day one but I caught on quickly. But like usual I screwed up. Girls like bad boys, not monsters and I am a monster.
She had blonde hair that waved slightly when she didn't straighten or curl it. Blonde hair that sprung up gracefully with each step. Blue eyes that on most days reminded me of glaciers, blue eyes that made every angry bone in my body calm. Every muscle relax. She often smelt like lilacs or jasmine or some sort of plant. I can't identify it because to me it just smelled like her.
Those things are just physical and if there's anything Jenna has taught me it's that there's more behind the skin and bone. No i'm not talking about muscles or intestines or anything of the sort. I'm talking about something much deeper. Something until now i've never paid attention to. Something i've ran away from
Like the way she drove me crazy with her words. Not kisses though those drove me wild too. Words. The way she held herself woth respect and the values she kept. She could've given in so many times but she didn't. The way she looked at the world in a different light. It wasn't small, or dull, or polluted. It was large and beautiful and something worth preserving.
She was a warm fire in the dark cold cave that is me. The problem is monsters live in caves, monsters put out fires. I am a monster.
I am not perfect. I am not smart or kind, or gentle. I am not perfect but at least I accept that. I may be weird nobody may understand me frankly I don't understand myself. I'm alright with that. At least i'm not pretending to be perfect.
"I am lost, I am vain. I will never be the same without you," The song played on my ipod tugging my thoughts back to her. Back to her sweet smile, her light laugh and her glow. Back to the way she said i'll never change. Because according to someone's dumb idea of love you can't change someone.
That is a big fat lie
But it's also the truth. You can't change anyone, because they have to change themselves. And she taught me that you can feel more than just a kiss, just a hug, or just a night in bed. Now she has taught me and I have to practice. Then i'll have to pass some sort of test.
"Only know you've been high when you're feeling low. Only on the road when you're missing home. Only know you love her when you let her go..."
I did not let her go. I am not giving in so easily.
I am not giving up
