Don't know where this came from (okay, I've been struggling to finish my Skins and Achele fics and came out while I was on vacation). And I'm also feeling a little out of sorts lately. Also, XX's "Shelter". Unbeta'd, because I'm sick and sneezing like crazy. Enjoy reading anyway!
A common misconception in their relationship is that it was Dianna who got caught up in hurricane Lea. This, however, is a reasonably understandable mistake. It's easy to assume it is so, with how the Spring Awakening Star carries herself with boldness and ferocity that even a pro can be easily thrown off guard by her undeniable charm. Lea of course cultivated this charm throughout her entire life. She learned them in theater.
But Dianna...
She had them in her without even trying. And to any onlooker who can never get anywhere within five feet of Di, well, they're terribly missing out. What most people would be surprised to know, is that it was Lea who had to take several deep breaths before she could remember how to be coherent when those hazel eyes are gazing back at her. Those eyes, when they flicker and explode, they make Lea feel like she's the most important person in the room, in her life, or in whatever world Dianna lives in. Lea feels those eyes follow her every minute move and while she's used to the limelight and the numerous interest she'd received from her success in New York, she's staggered and helpless to Dianna's unyielding attention.
Dianna's the unforeseen sundown and Lea couldn't help but wonder...
"Are they all like you?"
"Who?"
"People from where you came from?"
Dianna chuckles, always in a way that light up every fiber of Lea's body.
"You make it sound like I came from another world." Dianna says, pushing a strand of hair behind Lea's ear.
"Why do you ask?" Dianna presses on when Lea only smiles, eyes fixated on oblivion.
"So when I visit San Francisco, I don't have to worry if there's something in the water." Lea shakes her head when Dianna gives her an adorable pout. "I just marvel at the thought of being surrounded by more people like you."
"Why, am I not enough for you?"
"You are! I just want..."
"More of me?" Dianna teases, raising her eyebrows that reminded Lea of Quinn Fabray.
God, she's enchanting.
Lea unconsciously bites her lip, willing the butterflies in her stomach to flutter away. And never come back. She could kill them herself, but she'd sworn never to (not even in the metaphorical sense) hurt innocent creatures as part of her PETA advocacy. Lea recoils. She steps back from Dianna's space, from the warmth radiating in her body to grasp at Lea's. More than anything, she needs to avoid this game—this contest where Dianna could win anytime with a single glance, a small wave, a clever retort. She'd always taunt Lea with casual dares that leaves her in a tangled web of deliberation. Lea had never been the one to fall heavily for intelligence.
Until Dianna.
And until Dianna, she always thought she knew herself well enough, to never know fear in falling in love.
But Lea couldn't find it in herself to care. Dianna made her happy everyday for three years.
Even though Glee ended with their character's departure, they still go went occasionally as a group. It's always initiated by Kevin or Naya.
It's like old times except Dianna rarely made it to these meetings, and it left Lea drowning inside herself, holding her breath, until a flash of blonde hair appears in her sight and she can finally be able to breathe without hurting. Because God, it hurt. It hurt more than her breakup with Theo, more than being away from Jon.
But she never fails to make an appearance, just in case Dianna ever decides to show up. More often than not, she ends up being disappointed. She feels the hope slipping away from her and she's never really been a fan of the internet, but she checks Dianna's blog every now and then.
That's why, when she received an invitation to an engagement party, it sent her into a whirlwind of questions by the time she's on her fourth glass of wine.
Of course she's invited.
They were friends more than anything else. They've gone enough too many troubles to realize they'd be stuck with each other one way or another.
Yet it's far from perfect kind of attachment. They could get only too close to each other, but never quite touching. It's always been that way for them. Lea's weary enough to stop trying to change that.
Now, Lea's staring at a very simple, but undeniably elegant invitation. She came home from work and found it on the ground.
The tragedy is she knew all along that this would eventually arrive at her doorstep. She just never imagined for it to wreck her heart as if it never healed in the first place.
And Lea swore she'd never think of anyone like this, but at that very second, she wished she's never met her.
Dianna Elise Agron—for all that Lea had dreamed of, for all that she's ever hoped for—is getting married at twenty-eight.
It was more intimate than Lea had thought. And she thought a lot about it on her way to Dianna's apartment. They used to talk about engagement parties they've gone to in the past and compared notes for their future reference. She must have been high on drugs—or just Dianna—when she considered the possibility. Or it could've been the height of excitement when New York finally allowed everyone to marry. It's not like her though. She's from the greatest city in the world. She's smart enough not to get hasty with serious stuff like marriage. Lea observed a number of conditions before she'd even think about marrying someone.
But when you're happy with someone, you never see the end of it.
Which makes Lea wonder, was that it? Wasn't Dianna happy with her?
Lea drinks in the sight of her former love, taking in those lit-up eyes and wide set smile. She felt tragic knowing how she used to wake up to it every morning. She stopped being dependent on coffee all those times too. Dianna was enough to keep her stirring.
Her hand automatically reaches inside her pocket for a cigarette upon seeing it—the ring glimmering around that slender finger that once been very intimate with her.
She strides towards the patio and lights up the stick between her trembling lips. She swore she'd quit—but there's just no fucking way too calm herself when the world's closing in around her.
Lea turns around to see the first and the last person who could possibly make her feel better.
Still hazel eyes stare back at her, perforating the type of hole in her chest that never shuts.
"It's been a while." Lea hears the familiar voice, the one she learned to remember, the one she tries to forget.
She tries to blow the noxious smoke over the blonde's head, which only resulted in hitting Dianna right in the face due to their significant height difference. Lea mumbles a small apology, which Dianna immediately dismisses as she attempts to subdue the coughs rising up from her lungs.
"That's a pleasant way to say hello." Dianna teases.
It should surprise Lea how Dianna can easily fall back into her playful self, as if not many years have already passed between them. As if Lea cannot count the times they've talked in those years with her two hands.
"Really, Di? You should know better ways, what with…" Lea trails off with a smile, effectively cutting her self off before this causal remark turns into a bashful phrase of resentment. No matter how much this isn't over for her, it clearly is—for Dianna.
There's an awfully long silence and Lea didn't care so much to fill in with random topics. For once, she lets Dianna feel the awkwardness of the situation, she lets her feel lost, obligated to make this work.
Finally, Dianna breaks it with flare and Lea knows she never could win whenever this woman's involved.
"Don't you want to congratulate me?"
"Congratulations." Lea responds, wearing an applicable smile to pair it with, even though her tone suggest otherwise. It infuriated her when Dianna merely accepts it with a smile. "You know, we always thought Jenna would be the first—to marry, I mean." Lea continues.
Dianna nods in agreement, and says, "I swear I never saw this happening."
So did I, Lea wanted to say. Instead, the most inappropriate words come out of her mouth.
"I still love you."
Dianna tenses and Lea doesn't miss it because finally, there's a slightest hint to let her know that she didn't imagine all those times they were together. Dianna purses her lips and wheels herself around and starts walking away. Lea follows her until they end up in an empty bedroom. It makes Lea feel sick at the thought of being in the place where Dianna may, or may have not fucked her fiancé.
She swallows several times, before she's sure she's not going to throw up anytime soon.
"I guess we should've had this conversation a long time ago." Dianna says, and her voice is surprisingly calm and contained.
"You guess?" Lea hisses. It may be unfair to do this now at her friend's engagement party but if this is what it would take to finally get Dianna out of her system, she fucking deserves this. "There are a lot of other things you can guess, but this isn't one of them, Di."
Dianna shakes her head and takes a deep breath. She carefully moves closer to the shaking brunette and gently puts a cold hand on her arm. "Lea, I'm happy now."
It's decidedly what Lea always wanted to hear from her, but never had she imagined it would break her heart.
Lea counters, "Happiest you've ever been?" As if her fingers had been suddenly burned, Dianna releases her.
Lea sighs audibly. She wipes at her eyes as something inside her stirs—the awareness that Dianna—her Dianna—is no longer inside that shell. Where was she? How does one take back something that's possibly gone for good?
"Did you—did you ever think about if only—"
"Yes."
"Do you think it could've been me—"
"Lea, don't go there. Please." Dianna whispers as she stares at her engagement ring, twisting it loosely around her finger.
"We… You happened to me at a very critical time in my life. We were on our way towards the height of our career, and I was still figuring out who I was, who I really wanted to be."
"But now you know. Clearly."
"I'm sorry." Dianna says.
And Lea finally lets herself fall apart.
She doesn't know how long they've been standing; how long she's been crying. She doesn't see the concern on Dianna's face. After a long silence she feels a napkin gently touch her wet cheek.
"Don't," Lea struggles to breathe through her nose and says with a reassuring smile, "These are happy tears, okay? Don't worry about me."
She almost didn't hear it when Dianna mumbles 'Come here', and Lea couldn't help but remember a time when those words held a different. Those words are empty now. They didn't mean Dianna wanted her close. They didn't mean Dianna wanted her.
The tears flowed freely now. Lea raises her hand, halting Dianna's further movements. She couldn't let this woman touch her. Not anymore.
before
Slender arms wrapped around her waist, a chin tucked on her shoulder. Lea sighed in contentment. She rarely paid that much attention to God but lately, she'd often send little prayers, begging for moments like this to always be hers.
"You're magic, do you know that?" Dianna mutters against Lea's ear, lips grazing against soft, heated skin.
Dianna interlaced their fingers together. And they smiled because they just fit.
Lea knew. She knew because Dianna made her exactly that.
She made her feel it everywhere.
