Disclaimer: Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z were created by Akira Toriyama. The manga originally ran in Shonen Jump and the Anime was produced by Toei Animation. I do not own Dragon Ball.
Story:
My name's Yamcha. I'm writing this to set a few things straight.
If you've been following the papers recently, you've probably heard of me. I'm referring, of course, to the movie Frieza, which featured Bulma Briefs—heiress of the Capsule Corporation—in a lead role. Seems word got out that the flick was biographical, particularly when, after the film's release, Bulma actually began dating the male lead, Vegeta.
When I saw the screenplay, I demanded that director Plate take my name out of it. The result was my role being filled by an invisible and nameless ex. Of course, when you're a famous baseball player, and you date a famous heiress, your name is going to find its way into the tabloids and dated Sketch Comedy shows no matter what you do. It wasn't long before people started to wonder: could the abusive, alcoholic, jerk of an ex refer to Yamcha? And is that why he left her so soon after she became pregnant with his son? (Ha!)
Well, I'm going to tell you what really happened.
It's no secret that I loved fighting in the Tenkaichi Budokai. Even when I was a baseball player, the press usually noted that I was happiest during brawls. As such, I spent a lot of time training, and soon became one of the strongest people on Earth—probably the third strongest Human overall, behind only Kuririn and Tenshinhan. This story starts when I was training for the arrival of two killer Androids. My regimen that day consisted of punching and kicking the air and rocks while flying around in the middle of the desert. During a particularly long blink brought on my fatigue, I crashed into something hard. Whatever it was didn't break, and thus couldn't have been a mountain or anything because I am stronger than a mountain, so I figured out immediately that the only thing on the entire planet to stop me (it isn't arrogance if it's true) was my friend, Goku.
Now, when I say 'friend,' I don't mean he visits me at my house or calls me on the phone or even knows my last name. He's more of a very kind acquaintance who would happily risk his life to bring me back from the dead, which is pretty good, but does tend to leave me scared when he actually does come to visit me.
"Goku!" I said. "What's wrong? Did the Androids arrive early? Did another, more-powerful foe arrive?"
"What, you mean Frieza's brother? Yeah, but you don't have to worry—I took care of that. No, this is much more exciting! Someone's planning to make a movie about me!"
"Wait, Frieza has a brother!?"
"Not any more. Now where was I? Oh, yeah! The director's name is Mr. Plate. Apparently, he was planning to make a documentary about notable Tenkaichi Budokai contestants and winners, and he said that I was the most notable!"
"So you'll be in a documentary, getting interviewed or something?"
"Not quite. During the interview, he asked me about what I've been doing since the Budokai, and it turns out that he thought my fight against Frieza was a lot more interesting! He's decided that he's going to make a movie based off that instead, and he wants us to play ourselves!"
"Since when did you care so much about acting?"
"To tell you the truth, I don't know." Goku scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "But he was very persuasive." He shrugged. "And I bet it will be a lot of fun!"
"Goku, can you even act?"
"No, but he said he didn't care."
I agreed to meet with the director, though I couldn't tell you why at the time. Goku promptly grabbed me and "Instant Transmissioned" the both of us to this big board room. Almost everyone that had impacted Goku's life was accounted for. Even Vegeta and Piccolo! I had to take a look around to make sure that Frieza wasn't there, too.
But he was sitting between Vegeta and Piccolo.
"Why would you resurrect him?" I asked, blaming holes through Goku with my eyes.
"Simple, my unsophisticated friend," said some prick that I later learned was Mr. Plate himself. "I strive for realism in my films, and for a film to be realistic, I have to cast actors who look as much like their characters as possible. This, of course, means that, when making a film based off a true story, I have to use the people involved in the actual event. I always did that with my documentaries, and I'll continue to do it in my first recreation."
"A movie doesn't have to be that authentic," said Kame-senin.
"Andre Bazin would disagree with you," said Mr. Plate.
I had absolutely no idea who that was, but Mr. Plate simply smiled smugly at my former master, as if he had won the argument simply by throwing out some guy's name. I didn't argue, but that's mostly because I was sure I'd just hear more names flung at me and I'd end up feeling like an idiot.
"And everyone's actually agreed to go along with this?" I said.
"Mr. Plate used the Dragon Balls several years ago," said Piccolo. "He was having trouble finding finances, so he wished that everyone he asked to work on his movies would help for free."
"That explains Goku," said Kuririn. "Wait… are you saying this guy can control us? I didn't think the dragon could do that to anyone stronger than himself."
"He can't," said Piccolo. "That's the part that bugs me."
"It seems pretty simple to me," said Kame-senin. "The Dragon Balls can't force someone stronger than the dragonto do anything, but they can affect anyone, regardless of power. Take resurrection. The Dragon Balls could bring Kuririn back to life, even though he's far surpassed the dragon, because he let it. On the other hand, when we told Porungato bring Goku back to Earth, he couldn't, because Goku refused. It seems to me that the Dragon Balls can't force you to help Mr. Plate with this movie, but it can create in you a desire to do so. You could resist that desire, but… well, I, for one, really don't want to."
That sounded logical, if a bit made-up-on-the-spot, and it explained why I actually wanted to work with this guy, so I figured, sure, we'll assume that's what happened.
"Now, Goku," said Mr. Plate, "why don't you tell me a little about yourself? You know, for characterization purposes."
"Well, let's see here. My name is Goku. I was raised in the forest by my Grandma Gohan, but he died after I looked at the moon, then turned into a giant monkey and killed him."
"So you're an antihero!" he said excitedly. "Perfect! This type of thing is very deep, so it'll appeal to audiences on a much deeper level. People will be able to relate to you!"
"Because he killed his grandfather?" said Bulma. "Are you stupid or something?"
"No!" said Mr. Plate. "I'm smart enough to know that dark, depressing stuff is so much more realistic and artistic than anything with a happy ending, and I strive for realism in my work." He then turned back to Goku. "So what happened next?"
"Well, let's see here," said Goku. "I lived in the woods for a while, then Bulma showed up, and we gathered all the Dragon Balls, but they were stolen by Pilaf, who wanted to use them to take over the world. He would have, too, but Oolong got to Shen Long first, and wished for a new pair of underwear. I guess he forgot to pack some when he decided to come with us."
"Well, that sucks," said Mr. Plate. "If I had to make a movie about that, I'd have you kill him instead. More mature."
"Who's him?" asked Bulma. "Oolong or Pilaf?"
"Both."
"Then I entered the Tenkaichi Budokai," said Goku.
"Yeah, yeah, I know about that," said Mr. Plate. "Go on."
"But lost to Jackie Chun. After that, I tried to track down my Grandfather's Dragon Ball, but ended up fighting the Red Ribbon army."
"The Red Ribbon Army that disappeared all those years ago?" said Mr. Plate.
"No, that must be a different one," said Goku. "The Red Ribbon Army didn't have time to disappear before I destroyed it."
"Single-handedly?" said Mr. Plate. "Were you horribly injured?"
"Nah," said Goku. "It was easy."
"Oh," responded Mr. Plate dejectedly.
"Then I spent three years training for the 22nd Tenkaichi Budokai. My best friend Kuririn was murdered afterwards…"
"Aha!" shouted Mr. Plate. "Real, human tragedy! I love it!"
"Don't get too excited," said Kuririn. "I came back, you know."
"Oh. Right." Then Mr. Plate rested his head glumly in his hands, looking as if his best friend had just recovered from a miraculous injury.
"I went to avenge him, and ended up fighting the Great Demon King Piccolo."
"Who you beat, and everyone lived happily ever after?" said Mr. Plate. He then yawned. "What next?"
"Well, I fought Piccolo again in the 23rd Tenkaichi Budokai, then got married. Let's see here… well, a few years later, my brother showed up…"
"Was he an alcoholic?" said Mr. Plate.
"Not that I'm aware of, no," said Goku. "But he did kill me."
"Well, I guess that's pretty realistic. But you came back afterwards?"
"I had to. Vegeta was going to destroy Earth. He killed several of my friends, too. That was why they went to Namek and ran into Frieza."
"And no good guys were permanently hurt or killed during this adventure?"
"Oh, no," said Goku. "We brought everyone back."
"All of your people, maybe," said Vegeta. "The Sayian race is as dead as ever."
"Really?" said Mr. Plate, staring almost romantically into Vegeta's eyes. "Genocide? Wow! And Goku didn't bring them back because of latent racist tendencies? Wow, he is a deep person." He turned back to Goku. "I hated you when I thought you were a Boy Scout, but now, I think I love you more than ever!"
"Gee, thanks," said Goku, "but Chi-Chi says I'm not supposed to love anyone but her."
Mr. Plate banged his head against the table. "That's not what I meant."
"Besides, I can't bring the Sayians back," said Goku. "Living under Frieza has made them all evil. If they were alive today, they'd kill millions of people."
Mr. Plate turned to stare at Vegeta again. As much as I hated that guy, I never dreamt that he'd take a liking to Vegeta. I couldn't exactly say I lost respect for the man after that, but I certainly gained a lot of disrespect.
"Tell me," said Mr. Plate, "what was it like living under Frieza?"
"Horrible," said Vegeta. "Whenever we took over a planet, we had to give it to him. All that hard work, and we never got any of the rewards from it."
"That is so sad," said Mr. Plate. "You have such a tragic past. Growing up, you never knew right from wrong. You were forced to kill just to live. And now, you're trying to repent for your crimes."
"I'm not trying to repent for anything," said Vegeta bluntly.
"But you will be in the movie!" announced Mr. Plate. "You'll be the hero that defeats Frieza in this picture. Goku, you're out."
Goku frowned. "Aww, really? Gee, I was kind of looking forward to fighting Frieza again. I wanted to show him how much stronger I'd gotten."
Over in the corner, Frieza whined a little.
"You're making Vegeta into the hero?" said Bulma. "You have got to be kidding me. What ever happened to being true to the original material?"
Then Mr. Plate just kind of rolled his eyes and released a sigh/growl sound, as if whatever excuse he had was common knowledge even before it was pulled from his ass. "Well, if you really have to ask, that is because… well, as Robert J. Flaherty—father of the modern Documentary—once said, 'One often has to distort a thing to catch its true spirit.'"
"I'd like to have seen the look on Bazin's face when he heard about that," Kuririn whispered to Gohan.
Mr. Plate scowled at Kuririn, who scowled back.
"I wouldn't expect you to understand," said Mr. Plate. Then he began talking to his new star again. "Vegeta, your life experiences are more real than Goku's. Audiences will associate with you more closely than with the Boy Scout over here."
"You'd really prefer me to Kakarot?" said Vegeta. Then Vegeta grinned and stared at Frieza. "And I'd get to beat up Frieza?"
"Why?" taunted Frieza. "Are you a Super Sayian, too?"
And Vegeta, who was not, in fact, a Super Sayian, began to scream and charge up his Ki, knocking over his chair and taking a chunk out of his table. He charged Frieza, and tried to punch him, but only got a fist to his stomach. Suddenly, Goku exploded in an aura of gold—even his hair changed color—and he rammed Frieza into the ground.
"Now, Frieza," said Goku, "we agreed that you had to help Mr. Plate make his film without killing anyone. If you can't agree to that, I'll have to send you back."
Frieza got back to his feet and rubbed his stomach. "Fine," he mumbled. "At least I know that this weakling can't hurt me."
Vegeta growled.
"This is infuriating!" said Bulma. "Vegeta isn't a hero! You can't tell people that he killed Frieza! And how's that truer to the spirit of the history? Goku won by abandoning his evil heritage, not by embracing it."
Then Mr. Plate stared at Bulma the same way he stared at Vegeta and, I've got to admit, it made me jealous. He then held out his hands, thumbs extended, as if trying to see what Bulma would look like framed in a camera. "You're perfect!" he said.
"I am?" said Bulma, blushing. "You're pretty cute, yourself." Note that, at this point, we were still supposed to be an item.
"Perfect to star in this movie!" said Mr. Plate.
"You mean this woman is going to kill Frieza?" said Vegeta angrily.
"I wouldn't put it past him," said Kuririn.
"No!" said the director. "I want her to star opposite Vegeta as his leading lady!"
"Me?" said Bulma, her eyes sparkling. "A… leading lady? Wait a minute," she added angrily. "I don't have to kiss him, do I?" Then she started to blush again.
"You might have to do more than that," said Mr. Plate. "After all, independent films aren't subject to censorship!" And he didn't laugh. I think he was serious.
And so did Bulma, who had drawn enough offence from the comment to react with a punch to the jaw that knocked Mr. Plate off his chair.
"Okay, okay," said Mr. Plate. "No sex. But is kissing okay?"
"Sure!" said Bulma, and she blushed again. "I guess that's not too bad."
"Perfect!" said Mr. Plate. "I'll have a script ready before you know it!"
I went home that night thinking more about Mr. Plate than the upcoming Androids. "What's there to worry about?" I said. "I know what being dead is like. It's the movie that might turn out to be Hell."
I don't know how long it usually takes to write a screenplay, but receiving a copy of Frieza's script the following week never gave me any false expectations. I'd be tempted to copy it out right here—and I could, too, since Mr. Plate felt that copyrighting his work was "unartistic and unrealistic," resulting in Frieza entering the Public Domain before it was actually screened—but my publisher told me not to, as they hate stuff in script format, so I'll just give you a brief summary.
The film started with a shot of Vegeta's shuttle falling towards Earth. The opening credits played over these shots for several minutes, and I found myself wondering if any ships in real life would take that long to land. I figured that they could, but Mr. Plate probably shouldn't have put so many shots with 'trees passing between the ship and camera, giving one the impression that this comer will soon be one with nature' (yes, that was actually in the script) when the ship was still supposed to be outside our orbit.
Eventually, we saw Bulma. She was sitting inside her house, talking with her mom.
"I just can't stand Yamcha!" said Bulma 'angrily.' "He's so overprotective, he won't even let me look at another man. Hell, he won't let me look at another woman! And I think he might be seeing someone else behind my back."
I almost fell over crying when I saw that. I wonder if Mr. Plate still would have hated me if he were pairing Vegeta with Lunch.
"Now, he's not that bad," said Mrs. Briefs. "And he's pretty cute."
"I look for more than good looks in a boyfriend," said Bulma.
Just then, there was a 'powerfully loud' explosion. Bulma and her mom ran outside to find a space pod 'lying in a big crater in the ground, framed to resemble a grave.' The pod began to open slowly, and Vegeta began to pull himself 'out of his grave, symbolizing the resurrection of the Sayian People's one shot at vengeance.' He was covered in scratches and bruises, but could still walk because, hey, it's not like Frieza would have done anything worse than that to him!
"Are you hurt?" said Bulma, trying to help him out of the pod.
"I'm fine," said Vegeta, pulling his arm out of her grasp. "And I don't need your help."
"You are not fine," said Bulma, "and you are going to let me take you inside and patch you up."
Vegeta was silent for a 'dramatic second,' then he let her take him in. Then the script has some nonsense about framing them through a doorway 'to symbolize them being alone in the world.'
Now, however serious these injuries were, it seems that Bulma's Band-Aids and some rubbing alcohol were all she actually needed to fix Vegeta right up. I guess she was afraid that Vegeta would get something horribly infected. It was during this talk that the 'princely king' began to open up.
"I'm sorry if I seemed snappy," said Vegeta (I would have been willing to pay to hear Vegeta actually say that, but by the time the film was released, the line became something like "You're going to have to put up with my temper, because…) "But I just got through a horrible experience. My whole people was wiped out by a space tyrant named Frieza."
"Oh, that's horrible!" said Bulma. "And to think that my boyfriend complained when he was evicted for not paying rent."
"He sounds like a real loser," said Vegeta.
"I know," said Bulma, then laughed. "He'd probably kill himself if he had to face off against this Frieza guy."
"Well, he'll have a chance to find out soon enough," said Vegeta. "Frieza's coming here."
"He's what?"
Vegeta nodded. "He's wanted to take over this planet and steal its natural resources for decades, but it wasn't until recently that he had the military power to do so."
"Then what are we going to do?" said Bulma.
"I'm going to fight," said Vegeta.
Bulma nodded. "Then I'll help."
"No, you won't," said Vegeta. "It's too dangerous."
"I don't care," said Bulma. "It's my planet he's coming after." Then she smiled seductively. "Besides, you can't be expected to fight this whole thing on your own."
Now, I'll admit that I've never been a big reader, but putting something down after one minute is a new record. I knew then that I'd have to have a serious talk with Mr. Plate if he expected me to so much as touch his script again.
