Disclaimer: I own Raina, Lalaith, Melde, and any Sues. I have absolutely no desire to own Arda, because then I'd have to protect it from all the Sues. And that seems like a pretty miserable job, to me.
Suilad.
Now you've probably heard some stories about perfect and beautiful princesses who save the world from an unknown 21st Ring of Power, etc. These may seem painful to the outsider, but trust me, they're much, much worse from the inside. Especially when you are forced to pretend to like the dratted things, and serve them. I am the Maid. These are my stories:
Sue #1,497; Day 1:
Valar help. Have been summoned to Lord Elrond's study once again. That never means anything good, these days.
Have reached the study. Deep breaths before you enter. Don't kill the yrch, as much as it's tempting.
Apparently, her name is Andaraleinyatalkelecarma Niarantarlesusnin, princess of I-blanked-out-at-this-point. I don't need to know where she's from, after all. I just have to curtsy and say 'my lady' or 'híril nín' a lot.
This one is even creepier than most. Since when has silver hair with blue stripes been attractive? And don't even mention the eyes. The author seems to have defined them as 'ruby', but to me it just looks like Sauron has taken up permanent residence in her eye sockets.
Leading her back to her room now. She's so many flounces and ruffles and lacy frilly things on her (still barely decent) gown that it's a wonder she can walk. Actually, she doesn't walk so much as much as she flounces through her masses of skirts with her nose so high I could look up her nostrils. How she doesn't trip is beyond me, especially now. These authors never really define Imladris, so there are these weird blurry patches everywhere, and sometimes the architecture flashes from normal to Sue-brained. One author even thought Rivendell was built on talans, like Lothlorien. All the buildings moved themselves on top of the pinewood. Not a pretty sight.
But I am reminiscing. We've reached her room. We always give them the same ones—they're only reachable by a veritable maze of passageways. It tends to keep them away from anyone else.
I curtsy and say the usual line:
"I will leave you to your rest, my lady."
Her eyes widen at the sound of my voice. I smirk inwardly. I may not be a stunning beauty like Lady Undomiel, but I have my talent; storytelling. I enjoy it, and have been told some wonderful things about the hypnotic qualities of my voice. Maybe that's why I was given this job—it might make them shut their mouths for once. Or not.
" I will needeth thou to style-eth my hair. And I have need of thine finestest cosmetics. Chanel will do. And a mosteth beautifical gown. Hot pink with silver embroidery."
My ears! Valar, I don't know if this or expletive-like-expletive is worse. And where in the name of Varda herself am I supposed to get cosmetics?
Elves don't wear them, and most of THEM bring their things with them.
"I will do as híril nín commands."
Right. Time to call on some friends.
"She wants a WHAT?'
Poor Raina. She's normally the kindest person you'll meet in Imladris, but the Sues are getting to her. And with her talent, it's expectable.
She's spent the last 400 years making the most beautiful gowns, and all of a sudden she's being commissioned 'hot pink with silver embroidery'.
"Goheno, Raina, but you know that we must put up with them."
"I know, I know. Listen—can I make you a gown as well? That way I won't feel as though I'm wasting my time."
I sighed. Raina's things are beautiful, but I don't like gowns much.
"Only if it's SENSIBLE. You have enough to do without making me things as well."
"Hannad! I was thinking maybe dark green, to bring out your eyes…" Raina began to scribble on a bit of parchment, drawing out designs.
"Don't forget the pink one!" I called as I left her quarters. She waved a hand at me, tucked her gold hair behind one ear, and continued to draw.
Next favour—Lalaith.
"You could poison her, you know." Lalaith said calmly, watching me as I paced back and forth.
"She'd probably just be immune to it. No, I'm just going to put up with her. And for that, I need your help."
"What do you need?" There was apprehension in her voice as she continued to watch me.
"Cosmetics. 'Shanel' or some suck thing." Lalaith buried her head in her hands.
"It's not that bad. We have some left from eleven times ago, when that red-haired one brought a whole store with her, and we stole it to keep her from killing her horse. And I thought we could mix some up, though maybe with a few changes…" Lalaith noticed the wheedling tone in my voice before she got what I was saying.
"Sabotage?" She burst out hopefully. Lalaith is younger than I am, and rather like a mortal sometimes.
"Not poison. I thought maybe some of that oil from the south, that makes humans itch."
"And maybe some of that pepper in the eye paints?" Her face was brightening, eyes lighting up at the promise of tricks. She and the twins should be kept apart with a full-length spear.
"Exactly. Can you get it done soon?"
"It'll be ready by undómë."
Just finished styling the monstrosity's hair. Raina brought the gown, and Lalaith the paints. I have to say, Raina made even that thing beautiful.
I think I'll skip the feast tonight. Head straight to the Hall of Fire, then practice my Quenya by translating HER name. It's bound to be something ridiculous. I'll let someone else keep her hormones under control. These ulgundi are beginning to get to me.
Day 2:
Woke up this morning and went for a long walk in the gardens. Heard the most terrible noise- her trying to serenade someone, I think. I'd kill her, but I think she'd get kicked out of Mandos out of general annoyancy.
Hobbits arrived today. Dûnedain and Glorfindel along as well. Lalaith said one of the hobbits was wounded by a Nazgûl. A messenger went around to all the herbalists looking for rare supplies.
SHE is having a field day. Cornered Dûnedain and tried to seduce him. Should have seen his face when she told him her name. As far as I can tell, It means A long outsider not female, silver-footed and house handed. I didn't even bother with the surname.
She wants ANOTHER dress for dinner tonight. Violet with gold embroidery and grey pearls. And a 'mini-skurt' and 'tank' for tomorrow. 'Hêls' as well 'Stey-let-os'. A 'braw' from 'Vee Es'.
What have I got myself into?
