Title: For The Record

Disclaimer: Showtime and Cowlip own Queer as Folk. I don't. Life sucks.

A/N: My friend Lindsay always writes these fics where it's like an interview with the characters, and hers are always so funny, so I wanted to try one. It didn't turn out nearly as good as hers always do, but it was fun to write, anyway. I'm going to do one for each character, I think.

A/N2: Just because, I'm naming the magazine that's doing the interviewing Queers Weekly. I couldn't think of anything more creative than that, so sorry the name sucks, lol. (And not in the positive, life-affirming way)


Brian

QW: Ah, Brian. Brian Kinney.

BK: ...

QW: Brian, quit looking at my photographer. He's straight.

BK: Huh? Wha—? You say something?

QW: Brian, pay attention!

BK: Fine. Speak, if you must.

QW: Ahem. So... Brian Kinney. The most fabulous fag in Pittsburgh.

BK: I see my reputation precedes me.

QW: Um...not exactly. I asked Michael and Justin for info on you earlier. They said you called yourself that.

BK: See? Even they know I'm the most fabulous fag in Pittsburgh. Who doesn't? I'm Brian Fucking Kinney, after all.

QW: About that, is your middle name really 'Fucking?'

BK: No. Of course not. My middle initial is A. Everyone knows that.

QW: Oh right...I think Michael mentioned that. He says it stands for Asshole?

BK: Fucker. Did he also tell you his father is a drag queen?

QW: Actually, he didn't. I'll have to remember that one. Anyway, speaking of Michael and Justin... quick question I'm sure your legions of fans are dying to know... which one's your favorite?

BK: I'm supposed to pick a favorite?

QW: Yes.

BK: Fine, then. I pick me.

QW: You...can't pick you. Michael or Justin. Pick one.

BK: Mmm...fine. Justin.

QW: Really? Interesting. Any particular reason why?

BK: He gives great head, of course. Plus, Mikey whines a lot. Even when he's not whining, it still sounds like he is. He's just got a whiny, pouty, woe-is-me sort of voice. I think it's a Novotny thing.

QW: Yeah, I've noticed that. So, Brian... is there any truth to the rumor that you are, indeed, madly, passionately, deeply in love with Mr. Justin Taylor?

BK: What? Exactly what the fuck has Justin been saying to you, anyway?

QW: So, there's no truth to it?

BK: ...

QW: Brian?

BK: No comment.

QW: Right... moving along... What about the rumor that you're secretly dating the supposed lesbian Melanie Marcus?

BK: WHAT?! What rumor? Who the fuck's been saying this shit? If this is Theodore's sick idea of a joke...

QW: So, not true?"

BK: I think I'm going to hurl. Smelly Mellie? Are they fucking serious?

QW: Okay, I take that as a sign that you are not secretly dating Melanie. Lindsay and Justin will be relieved. So...anyway...over the course of the last few years, what do you think the most important change in yourself has been?

BK: Oh, definitely my hairstyle. My latest one looks fucking amazing, don't you think?

QW: Sure. Whatever you say, Bri. But I meant in a more personal, inner way.

BK: I'm a fabulous fag, remember? Not a fucking lesbian. Next question.

QW: Fine, what would your friends consider the most important personal, inner change in you?

BK: Probably some bullshit about me learning to open up or...something to that effect.

QW: Interesting. Do you consider your close group of friends to be like surrogate family members?

BK: Am I seriously supposed to answer that?

QW: Never mind. Okay, so everyone knows that Brian Kinney is kind of a jerk, but does he have a real, actual dark side?

BK: If you mean my tan, it is a full-body one.

QW: No, that wasn't exactly what I meant. I mean the dangerous Brian Kinney. The not-so-fucking-fabulous side. The side everyone's afraid of. You go out of your way not to become like your father, correct Brian? But was there any time when you just..lost it?

BK: A few.

QW: Care to elaborate?

BK: When I hit Hobbs in the fucking knee with that bat.

QW: Oh, wow. The bashing. Touchy topic for you. What were you feeling right then?

BK: Use your imagination. I'm sure you can figure it out. You don't seem too stupid. Emphasis on the 'too' part.

QW: Incidentally, what made you decide to go Justin's prom, anyway?

BK: Well, Mikey ruined my plans to potentially kill myself in my grief over turning thirty, so since that wasn't going to happen, I figured making Justin happy would earn me a few blow jobs. That... also kind of didn't happen.

QW: And your passionate, undying love for Justin had nothing to do with it?

BK: Uh...no comment.

QW: So, any other time where you lost it? What about that time you hit Michael?

BK: Yeah, I forgot about that.

QW: Did he deserve it?

BK: It doesn't matter. I shouldn't have hit him.

QW: But you did, defending Justin, is that correct?

BK: You're the gossip queen. You tell me.

QW: So even after he left you, you'd still do anything for him. Including punch your best friend.

BK: Look, I told Mikey to be quiet. I shouldn't have hit him, but he lived, didn't he? I would've done the same for Mikey.

QW: So, if Justin said that stuff about Michael, you would've hit Justin?

BK: No. I'd never hit Justin.

QW: I thought you just said...

BK: I'd hit anyone but Justin.

QW: Okay. While we're focusing on this particular era of your life, what do you have to say about Ethan Gold?

BK: I think he's an arrogant, pretentious, dickless bastard who should go throw himself down a fucking well, and be forced to listen to a recording of his own atrocious "talent" on the fiddle.

QW: Wow. Well...I guess that pretty much answers that question.

BK: Guess it does.

QW: So did it hurt when Justin left you for him?

BK: When Justin...? Wait, how the fuck do you know so much about my life, anyway? Justin and Michael really told you all this?

QW: Just answer the question.

BK: No. It didn't hurt.

QW: Really? Not even a little bit? I mean, during the time he was gone, you punched and kidnapped your best friend, slept around and drank more than ever, and hired a prostitute that looked exactly like Justin. You're saying you didn't miss him at all?

BK: Okay, where the fuck are you getting your information? I swear, if you're another stalker... I mean, I understand if you are, who wouldn't love following me around all day? But if you are, I'm getting a restraining order after what happened with the last devoted fan of mine who decided to stalk me day and night.

QW: You had a stalker? Who? What happened?

BK: Hello? The twat is now living with me, sucking out money from my bank account, among other things, and gotten me to fuck him about three thousand times more than once.

QW: And that would be...?

BK: Does the name Justin fucking Taylor mean anything to you?

QW: Do you add 'fucking' to the middle of every person's name?

BK: Yes. You're Ms. Ann Fucking Noying.

QW: Aha. Ann Noying. Annoying. I get it. Clever.

BK: When am I ever not?

QW: Well, there was that one time when you... you know what? Never mind. That'll take too long. Moving on, Brian...another thing I'm sure people are dying to know... Lindsay Peterson. That one time in college. What was that about?

BK: You're going to fucking ruin my reputation.

QW: Off the record.

BK: Off the record? We were both stoned out of our minds. I thought I was fucking a blond guy with a really small dick.

QW: Are you serious? That was the one time in college? And is Lindsay the only woman you've ever been with?

BK: Well, I hardly think Lindsay qualifies as a woman. She is a Dyke, after all. Cwazy Wesbians.

QW: Right. So, what about Melanie? What's the deal with the tension between you two?

BK: Ah, Melanie. The Wonder-Bitch. The deal is that she is a fucking cunt.

QW: Does the tension between you have anything at all to do with the fact that she's married to Lindsay? Like when you had that thing with David, because he was dating Michael? Is that part of the reason why you've never gotten along with Melanie?

BK: ...

BK: No comment.

QW: Another question, Brian... Why do you think it is some people find you to be...well, an asshole?

BK: I'm Brian Kinney. Of course I'm an asshole. Besides, I've been one my whole life. It's hard to break a habit. And speaking of assholes...

QW: Brian, you can fuck Justin when we're done. Quit staring at him. You're going to freak him out.

BK: ...

QW: Brian, you're drooling.

BK: Fuck off. I am not.

QW: Look, you can fuck him later, okay?

BK: Or, how about... you stop talking, and I can go fuck him now?

QW: But we have to finish the interview!

BK: You got anymore questions?

QW: Well, actually I was wondering...

BK: Too late! Time's up. Now if you'll excuse me, my dick has a nine o' clock appointment with Justin's ass. It's already ten past, and I'm always fashionably late. After all, I'm Brian Fucking Kinney.

QW: Um, okay. Do to the subject of this interview having an...er...scheduling dilemma...I hereby declare this Q&A session of Brian Fucking Kinney officially... over.


A/N: Please review, and tell me if I should continue or not. Next chapter would be Michael's, I think, if I keep going.