A/N: For the record, I don't share the same world views as Lana. Hell, I fit into some of the categories as Lana hates. And this isn't supposed to be social or political commentary, just a fun little story. This story is bound to offend, and you'll have to have a good sense of humor about it, if you want to enjoy the story.
I want to use this story to explore Lana's character. Where she came from, what motivates her, what her goals are. I feel that you can grow to love her over time, if you don't love her immediately.
She was blonde. She was skinny. She was rich. She was a little bit of a bitch. She was Lana Thorn, of the Kalos Thorns. And she was everything.
Lana Thorn was world-class. She had traveled to Unova, to Kanto, to Alola. She was born and raised in Kalos, so you just knew that she was trendy and relevant. Would you expect less from a model, author, animation creator, and heiress?
But you probably knew all this. Everybody knows about Lana Thorn. Even the poors of some third-world backwater countries knew about her. Though to be fair, she also made sure to send her merch to all those starving kids to make sure they knew of her. (The kids who lived to see adulthood would go on to tell others of her legend, of the White Devil.)
Naturally, when Lana came to the Hano Grand Resort, the media was all over it. It helped that she sent anonymous tips about it to evry major news source, including the ones she hated. And pretty soon, everybody knew exactly where she was at all times.
You're probably wondering, why would Lana come to Alola? Surely she wouldn't step foot in a region where white* people made up less than 98% of the population? Where beautiful sun, surf and sand was open to the public, and not an exclusive right for the bourgeoisie?
First off, it was a sad fact that white* people did not make up such a majority of regions. She had hoped that Unova, the land of fat pigs, would have the sense to use Black City as a place to segregate their whites from their colors, but no.
* Rich, Kalos people white, not the other whites. Lana didn't like those, either.
Lana was here for business. Not for modeling, but for personal business. She was on the phone now, speaking to a representative of the Aether Foundation.
Lana sat on her bed, in her hotel room. Her actual bed; she had gotten rid of the hotel's bed, and replaced it with one of her own. Can't expect her to sit in a bed where other, less rich people sat, of course.
"Lusamine can't speak at the moment," said the woman on the other end. "I sincerely apologize."
"Don't you know who I am?!" Lana scoffed.
"Y-yes I do, Miss Thorn," the woman responded, a little nervously. "I can certainly pass along a message-"
"Lana Thorn doesn't do messages. I speak to people directly, or not at all. You're fucking lucky to be graced with my voice, you underpaid wageslave."
The woman on the other end paused for a moment. She chose not to respond to this. Which, as you know, was not something you do to Lana Thorn.
"Get Lusamine on the phone!" Lana snapped.
"Lusamine's on business in Kanto. She's unavailable right now. Is there anything else I can do for you."
"Yes," Lana said to her. "You should consider suicide."
"... I'm sorry?"
"Like, I'm not telling you to kill yourself. I just think you should consider how much better the world would be without you. And believe me, it would be a lot better."
Lana looked at her perfectly manicured nails, smiling as she heard the whispers of panic on the other end. The wageslave was trying desperately to regain her composure and be civil, while Lana got to treat her however she saw fit. It was great. Bullying employees desperately trying to keep their jobs was great.
"Thank you for your time, Miss Thorn," the woman finally said. "I'll try and have Miss Lusamine call you as soon as she can."
"Yeah, that's what you're payed for," Lana responded. "Duh, you fucking idiot."
"Goodbye."
"Bye! And consider my advice to you. I think it could help a lot of people."
The woman on the end hung up. She hung on on Lana Thorn. Instantly overcome with rage, Lana threw her phone across the room. She watched, satisfied, as the phone broke into pieces as it crashed against the wall.
So, Losermine wasn't any help. But Lana had other ideas. She was going to enact her master plan, with or without the Aether Foundation's help.
What was Lana's master plan, exactly? And where did Lusamine and the Aether Foundation fit in? To find out the answer, check out Chapter 2: Lana and the Lanas.
Or continue reading this chapter.
Route 2, Melemele Island
Lana was pretty sure that Melemele was the ghetto island. Akala Island wasn't exactly high-class either, but this place reeked of poorness, tourism, and the worst evil of all, diversity. She hated being here, almost as much as she hated that backwater hillbilly region of Kanto.
But once again, she was here on business. Not the business, the plan she had been working on. This was more of a spur-of-the-moment deal, brought on by the mistreatment she had suffered at the hands of the Aether Foundation earlier that day. When Aether proved to be unhelpful, Lana was mad. She wanted to get revenge on them, to teach them their place in life. You do not fail Lana Thorn like that. They had to pay.
She was now standing in front of an old, weathered house. A house that was owned by the parents of one of Alola's most infamous villains. Where said villain currently resided, according to rumors.
Lana didn't knock on the door. That was beneath her. Instead, she kicked at the door with her white-pink stiletto, letting her heel stab into the door and leave some marks. She considered this a gift; now these peasants could tell all their peasant friends how Lana Thorn came to their house.
The door opened after the seventh kick. A tall, white-haired man in dark, baggy clothes opened the door. He stared down at Lana with fierce, annoyed, and exhausted eyes.
"What do you want?" he asked her.
"Are you Guzma?" she asked.
"Who wants to know?" he responded.
"See, I think you're Guzma. You look uneducated and poverty-stricken, which would make you perfect for leading a gang."
Guzma's brow furrowed. He put his hands on his hips and brought his face closer to hers. Lana took a step back; not because she was intimidated, but because she wanted to regain some personal space.
"Want to try that again?" he asked her. "Because that talk gets you a beat-down from Big, Bad Guzma."
"Perfect!" Lana exclaimed. She clasped her hands together.
"What do you want, chick?"
"I want to hire Team Skull for something. I figured they'd be perfect for the job I had in mind."
"What job? Who are you? What are you even talking about?"
"I want you to break into the Aether Foundation. Just destroy everything you can find there. Wreak havoc, end lives, burn what you must. Just make them hurt."
"And why would I do that?" Guzma scoffed.
"I have a lot of money to offer in return."
"But Aether helps all those Pokemon and stuff. I ain't gonna harm any more innocent Pokemon."
Lana sighed. It looked like this stupid fucking idiot dared to question the offer of a lot of money. She knew Guzma would be stupid, but not stupid enough to understand just how fast the Thorn fortune was.
"Let me break it down for you," she told him. "Your team is likely comprised of lower-class inbreds with violent tendencies, who would pray on innocent rich people out of jealously. I want to use their instincts to target Aether. In exchange, your little troupe of trailer trash will get all the money you want, so you can buy... snapbacks, or something. Whatever you people like."
Guzma looked furious. He looked like a Typhlosion that was about to use Eruption. The red faced man was breathing heavily, raising his fist in the air.
And then he took a step backward, through the door frame, and slammed the door shut.
"... Hello?" Lana asked. "Hello?"
No answer.
"HELL- FUCKING- O?!" she screamed.
Again, no answer. In fact, she could hear the sound of heavy footsteps, moving away from the door.
Okay, new plan. Forget Aether and her master plan. Her next plan of action was to set Guzma's house on fire.
Lana was a menace. She was evil. She was irredeemable. She was a monster who cared only about herself. She was unpleasant in every aspect of life, outside of her looks.
And she was going to be a hero one day. Whether she liked it or not.
