Genre: Comedy with a lot of sarcasm, black humour and few delusions of grandeur.
Main characters: Emily Amandus, Chester Corniculas, Regulus Black, Farabella Purcell, Marauders, and many more.
Synopsis: Emily is a Hufflepuff and prides herself on that. She has one problem though: Most people see her as a stupid and naïve clutz. She decides to change Hogwarts and also change the balance of power. But what is she supposed to do as only one student of one of the four houses? The bet with Farabella Purcell, the arrogant Sirius-loving Ravenclaw is all Emily needs to continue with her plan. Emily seems to have claimed to proverb "The higher you climb, the harder you fall." for herself when everything is spinning out of control and not even her slightly strange best friend Chester seems inclined to help her out this time.
Author's note: This fanfiction was written to clear up with all the clichés you have most likely come across. If you believe in all those clichés this fanfiction is most likely not for you. I will not ignore logic and background but if you like reading classic Marauder fanfictions, this might not suit you. I will not deal with Lily/James but instead many of your darlings might come under fire …
Translator's note: This is one of my favorite (German) Marauder fanfictions. I recently started my bachelor's degree for Translation and thought it only fitting to start translating for real. I hope you enjoy it! Also, I'm searching for a Beta reader. If you enjoy the story and would like to beta it, send me a private message!
How do you imitate a Slytherin so that people believe it? I have been asking myself this question for a long time, which is why I will examine the behaviour of the so called Snakes in order to, should the opportunity arise, I would be able to imitate it. Of course, I would use my acquired knowledge only to completely ruin the commonly pure blooded students of House Slytherin.
These are my results. I compiled them in my black book of secrets via attentive observation and stubbornness:
Slytherins only appear in packs.
They have the emotional range of a rock.
Morals and solidarity are like foreign words to them.
They never say anything without a heavy dose of sarcasm.
Most of their clothes (and their souls) are black. And that is true for every season.
Their motto: Every Slytherin for himself, but they attack Gryffindors as a pack.
Sexual relationships with members of the other houses are like a sport to them, sometimes even interpreted as challenges: Who managed to snag the hot Ravenclaw first?
Hufflepuffs are the dirt under their shoes.
The last key point on this obviously brilliant list is the thing that I – Emily Amandus – want to eradicate from the world, or rather Hogwarts. Enough is enough! Why do these arrogant chavs think that we Hufflepuffs will ignore their ridiculing and hurtful behaviour any longer? The times were they were able to oppress us are officially over! Oh yes … I will start the revolution as well as the following era of badger-authority. Our patience has started to wear out.
I scratch my forehead with the end of my quill. The problem with this plan is that nobody besides myself knows of these struggles for power. The Hufflepuffs are as much in the dark as the Slytherins. How should I shed light on this revolutionary idea? Should I just stand up from this comfortable armchair and recite my revolutionary speech to the lurking Hufflepuffs?
No, that would not go over well. Hufflepuffs are neither known for their aggressions nor for their desire for revenge. I think they would sooner declare me crazy and never listen to me again.
Okay, I think I might have lost some credentials already. That is easily explained by my erratic temper and my desire to change … everything. Also, I am known for my phases, which have changed a lot in the last six years I have been attending this boarding school. My last phase – and I remember it with horror – turned me into a girl who only wore green clothes and demanded to be called Isolde the Pasturing. I know, I sound idiotic and not at all like the fifteen-year-old girl I was happened to be but I thought it was time we all paid nature some respect.
The Whomping Willow, a quite rabid but also very lovable tree on the grounds, saved my life after all, by keeping the two gorilla-like Slytherins Kayden Lewis and Gizem Farrel off my back when they tried to entertain themselves by insulting me. You can't imagine my relief when I was finally rid of them.
Anyway, my fellow Hufflepuffs would most likely denote my desire to fight the Slytherins as another phase and decide not to join me. Obviously I would have to find another solution. Something done in secret, maybe. But how? Perhaps I should provoke the Slytherins into attacking me, so that my friends would be forced to help me and fight them? Well, a nice idea but most Hufflepuffs were scaredy-cats at best. And Gryffindors were always so annoyingly helpful.
Yes, Gryffindors. As I am talking about those I can't stand I simply cannot not talk about the lions. They are incredibly haughty, pretend to know everything, suck at losing, addicted to attention, two-faced, totally demented, abnormally helpful, heroic without bounds, ...oh, I have a gigantic list of negative traits but it's much easier to just examine two paragons of those traits.
To start with, we have an egocentric, sometimes schizophrenic and quite articulate lady's man. Yes, you all know (and most likely love) him. A giant applause for Sirius Black, the Casanova who screws anything with a heartbeat. To his credit, he steers clear of the female Slytherins but every other female in this school has to watch her step, or she might find herself in a broom cupboard with the god of love himself.
The second part of the duo, who definitely doesn't go through less girls and is quite good with his balls (the quaffle, obviously!), is James Potter himself! His acting talent can most likely be described as trailblazing since he has been feigning undying love for Lily Evans for almost two months. To me it's still incredible that he managed to stay with only one girl for so long. Or rather, that she was able to stay with him.
"Ems, what are you doing?" A voice I know almost too well interrupts my important thoughts.
"Nothing that concerns you, Ches."
"Really? I want to see that." Chester grins and sits down on an armchair next to mine. I study him for a moment. Chester Corniculas has always been one of my best friends. Last year we were in a short relationship which didn't work because he's very clingy and jealous. I broke up with him. Sadly though, that doesn't stop him from clinging to me anyway and that happens to be quite annoying at times. Of course it's flattering that he's always there when I have a problem or just need a shoulder to cry on, but I seriously do not need him to shadow my every step.
Chester doesn't blend well in a crowd. Not that he is a classic beauty like Sirius Black, most certainly not. Most people stare at Chester because he has that certain something. He has a very clear glint to his green eyes, his skin is very pale and since his black hair would normally simply lie around on his head he styles it with a questionable spell into a Mohawk. In addition to that, his clothes are also very adventurous. He usually wears torn jeans with dragon-leather shoes, but I have also seen him in a flannel shirt and a dog collar, so …
"That's nothing, I swear." I quickly stuff my book of secrets into my bag.
"Don't tell me that you have a new phase in the works, Isolde?"
"Haha, not funny." I say humourlessly and get up. I glance at my bag with a demotivated sigh.
"Oh, you're not finished with classes yet?"
"Nope." I start toward the exit and when I pass Chester, he starts to stretch and touches my butt as if by accident. I send a withering look his way, but I only get one of his trademark grins in return.
"Well, what do you have to suffer through? Transfiguration or potions? I can never remember your schedule." He tries to change the subject while getting up. I know he wants to intimidate me with his superior height. He doesn't like it when someone can look down on him. Actually, we got into an argument about that when we were in a much hotter situation …
"Potions."
"Of course. Send my love to Fara-mousie." He winks at me but I only turn my back to him without saying anything at all. While averting a cluster of first years I start walking toward the entrance of the common room. Which, as you might find interesting, is neither a door nor a portal of some sort. No, it's nothing more than a human-shaped hole in the wall. It's only covered with a opaque and soundproof curtain of strings. Anyone who tries to enter without knowing the password is pulled into a tight hold by these strings. I tested it in my first year, but the curtain seemed to know I was playing it. I don't know of any casualties, at least nothing official happened. Although I can imagine that if someone had been seriously hurt by our curtain the professors would have been the first to cover it up.
"I might pick you up after classes, okay? We could walk toward the sunset, play with the leaves and gather chestnuts. Mmh … doesn't that sound great?" Chester yells after me, I look back once but I don't give him an answer as I step through the strings into the well lighted basement hallway.
It doesn't even take me five minutes to reach the dungeons, since they are not that far from the actual basement. I'm waiting on our teacher, professor Slughorn, with a lot of non-Hufflepuffs (I'm the only representative of my house in this class). Said professor appear a few minutes later, including his massive belly and a blessed smile on his face. "Isn't life wonderful?" He asks us with a happy sigh and targets me especially, which I take as a prompt to answer him:
"Yes yes, Felix Felicis can certainly perform miracles."
"You have a great sense of humour, Miss Amandus." says Slughorn good-naturedly and enters the class room so we can all get to our desks without him obstructing the door. As always, I'm forced to sit with the Gryffindors and the Ravenclaws. I grind my teeth and throw my stuff unto the desk.
"Let's get started." Slughorn tugs at his turquoise coloured jacket. For a second I imagine the pain the stressed buttons would inflict if they were to pop off. He reaches for a phial and shows it to us.
"Let's revive your grey matter a little, yes? Can anyone tell me what this is?" I raise my hand, just as two Slytherins do the same. The girls I'm sitting with haven't even caught the question since they are busy gossiping. I'm sure the juicy bits couldn't have waited until after classes were finished …
"Miss Amandus." The professor points in my general direction and I start explaining.
" It's the Wolfsbane Potion. Easily recognizable because of the faint blue smoke and known for its bitter taste."
"Exactly. And this one?" He picks up another phial and I raise my hand again, but Slughorn chooses to give Regulus Black a chance to show off his knowledge.
"That's the Draught of Living Death. You are able to tell because of its water-like colouring. The drinker is send into a death-like slumber and nothing is able to wake him again."
"Excellent! Five points to Slytherin." Slughorn awards Regulus with a happy smile as well, and I become a little aggressive. Why hadn't he given me any points for my house? I stop listening to Slughorn in protest. I know everything there is about Potions anyway since my father is a healer in St. Mungo's and he rammed his knowledge down my throat the second I was able to understand what a potion was. In any case, I start listening to the mindless whispering at my table.
"I think Regulus' voice is very similar to his brother's." Beverly Joyner giggles and looks surreptitiously at the Slytherin in question. Cindy Doss who is Sirius' current mattress feels the need to protest:
"Stop it! Sirius never has so much coldness or meaninglessness in his voice. He is always passionate."
"Exactly. Don't tell Sirius you have started comparing him to his stupid brother. You know they don't get along." Cassandra Davis is of the same opinion and looks almost disgustingly when she says it. There is no doubt about who that disgust is reserved for.
"Regulus is but a bad copy of Sirius. I mean, he isn't even as handsome but his character … well, there has to be a reason everyone calls him a cunning bastard, who attacks girls in dark alleys, right?" Farabella Purcell decides to toss in her two knuts and flips her blonde curls. I hate her. In order to provoke them I take Regulus' side, my hatred for Farabella trumps my general hatred of Slytherins by far.
"I think Sirius created that rumour. I heard Regulus is an excellent lover." Farabella looks at me with contempt in her eyes but I notice that Regulus' attention is on me as well. Did he hear me? Merlin, no one has ears that good, right? I shudder at the mere thought of him thinking of me as an ally. But since I hadn't been able to keep my mouth shut again I would have to grasp the nettle.
"And who told you that, Hufflepuff?" The blond bird smirks at me and I smile triumphantly – what a great question. It's the perfect template for this:
"Well, from the same person who told me that Sirius' wang is quite overburdened. So much in fact that 'nothing' happened a few times already. I'm really sorry for you but it seems like none of you will be able to achieve your lifetime goal of becoming one of his one night stands." Out of the corner of my eye I can see a small smile forming on Regulus' lips before he turns back to the professor. Great, I entertained a snake. Farabella gasps resentfully while I decide to refer to her as Fara only. I don't need to waste my precious time on irrelevant stuff.
"That's just presumptuous, Hufflepuff! Sirius merely had a one time accident is what I heard!" I blink a few times, but then I burst out laughing. Slughorn stops mid-sentence.
"Do you mind telling us what is so funny, Miss Amandus?"
"Nothing, nothing. I'm sorry, professor." I snort with laughter a couple of times and Slughorn continues with his lesson.
"How can you laugh at Sirius?" Fara looks horrified, and I smile when I answer her.
"Sorry for my blasphemous remark." She narrows her mouse-grey eyes to mere slits and her friends to the same.
"You bit off more than you can chew, Hufflepuff. I bet you hate him because he sent you packing." Theatrically, I grab at my heart as if in pain.
"Oh Merlin – you are so right!" It seems like Fara doesn't know what to say to that – she just opens and closes her mouth a few times – I smirk at her with a daring twinkle in my eyes.
"Seriously, though, we all know Sirius isn't exactly picky about who he sleeps with. It's not even a challenge. I bet if you ask him politely, he would do you."
"Yes? And that from the girl whose only ridiculous relationship was with a deranged freak?" She says viciously and crossed a line with that. I had stuck to the facts but of course she had to turn to insults. How dare she insult my Cester like that and denote our relationship as ridiculous?
I lean forward so that I can see the nice clear skin of the Ravenclaw in all its glory.
"Pick one student, it doesn't matter. Pick one student and I will convince him to go to Hogsmeade with me. You will have to do the same with Sirius."
"Didn't you just go on and on about how he wasn't picky?"
I raise an eyebrow. "He's not picky about who he shares a bed with, but Hogsmeade? That's reserved for his friends. His Marauder friends at that. I don't know a girl who was able to achieve that kind of commitment from him."
"Deal. Sirius won't be a problem. Have fun with Regulus."
I try not to look too shocked and try to put up a brave front. But my surliness must have shown through since Fara starts to smirk like Grindelwald himself and reaches for my hand to seal the deal.
"If you can't get Regulus to go to Hogsmeade with you you will have to proclaim your undying love for Sirius in front of the entire student body. You will have to say that you lust for his body and that you would die without him."
"Okay … if you lose, then..." I pretend to think about it, but I have known exactly what I would ask of her the moment we started talking about the bet. "If you lose you have to stay at Peter Pettigrew's side for an entire day and make sheep's eyes at him. I think that will effectively end all relationships. Present or future." The corner of Fara's mouth twitches a little, I bet she is gauging her chances. She must think she will win because she accepts.
"Okay. You're on. There are enough witnesses to make sure none of us backs out." A tortured smile appears on my lips since all of the witnesses are her friends so it's hardly fair but what can you do …
After our handshake we glare at each other with hatred in our eyes before I turn back to Slughorn. He points at a book on his table and tells us to open our own in order to brew a potion called Prurigo [lat. to itch]. It is famous for being used to children's birthday parties in order to raise the mood. While working, I touch my forehead more than once. I can't believe I'm still right in the head. I had just agreed to woo a Slytherin …
