Heaven, Holograms, Hopes…
And all that smeg.
By Arnold J. Rimmer
(actually by me)
It's not that being dead's all that great
And being a hologram's rotten
But I guess I can't really complain with good cause
I really deserve what I've gotten
I'm not the nicest guy you've ever met
But I'm really just not all that bad
I even have friends-no, I'd better stop there
'Cause I lost the other friends I had
I never had any friends, really, at all
-Until I met Lister, that is
He's still an annoying, disgusting, gross slob
But he's my friend and I hope I'm his
Oh, Wait. Why the smeg am I speaking of Lister?
I'm talking about myself, again
That stupid Cat gets me so smeggin distracted
And, oh smeg. Great. Here comes Kryten.
After asking-or forcing- Lister to leave
I dropped onto my deserted bunk
After "boundless heaven" for three million years
This whole ship seems to have shrunk
I spent the entire three million years
Being hassled and riled by father
Apparently I had done better than he
And he lectured me about it-oh bother.
That last one sounded like Winnie The Pooh
As I've been reminded by Holly
When she found I was dictating poetry
She laughed at what she called my folly
Actually, what she said was "Smeg off, hologram,
Can't you see I'm reading a book?"
I'm certainly distressed that it wasn't a map
With that bang and how Red Dwarf just shook.
Smeg, I've covered topics of all shapes and sorts
And I believe the lights keep growing dimmer
That must be Holly's way of saying "smeg off"-
I guess that's the end of this poem- Out. Rimmer.
