The Afterlife…And All That Smeg

Heaven, Holograms, Hopes…

And all that smeg.

By Arnold J. Rimmer

(actually by me)

It's not that being dead's all that great

And being a hologram's rotten

But I guess I can't really complain with good cause

I really deserve what I've gotten

I'm not the nicest guy you've ever met

But I'm really just not all that bad

I even have friends-no, I'd better stop there

'Cause I lost the other friends I had

I never had any friends, really, at all

-Until I met Lister, that is

He's still an annoying, disgusting, gross slob

But he's my friend and I hope I'm his

Oh, Wait. Why the smeg am I speaking of Lister?

I'm talking about myself, again

That stupid Cat gets me so smeggin distracted

And, oh smeg. Great. Here comes Kryten.

After asking-or forcing- Lister to leave

I dropped onto my deserted bunk

After "boundless heaven" for three million years

This whole ship seems to have shrunk

I spent the entire three million years

Being hassled and riled by father

Apparently I had done better than he

And he lectured me about it-oh bother.

That last one sounded like Winnie The Pooh

As I've been reminded by Holly

When she found I was dictating poetry

She laughed at what she called my folly

Actually, what she said was "Smeg off, hologram,

Can't you see I'm reading a book?"

I'm certainly distressed that it wasn't a map

With that bang and how Red Dwarf just shook.

Smeg, I've covered topics of all shapes and sorts

And I believe the lights keep growing dimmer

That must be Holly's way of saying "smeg off"-

I guess that's the end of this poem- Out. Rimmer.