Promise Me Tomorrow
DISCLAIMER: Bones belongs to Hart Hanson and some other people who are very lucky. I am not one of them.
SUMMARY: One-shot. Parts in the Sum of the Whole. "I can't change. I don't know how." "Who says you have to?"
ONWARDS:
Temperance Brennan couldn't remember a time that her heart had been beating so fast. She couldn't recollect a single incident in the past that had made her heart feel as though it was being squeezed within her chest. And she definitely couldn't remember being so terrified of destroying something that meant everything to her.
Her hands were actually shaking. As the world's top forensic anthropologist, Brennan prided herself on being steady of both mind and body, but at this precise moment, nothing about her was steady.
"I believe in giving this a chance. Look, I want to give this a shot."
The man standing before her had been her partner for six years. He had taken a bullet for her, had forgiven her accidentally shooting him, and had brought her out of her lab and into what Angela would call the real world. Seeley Booth had turned her entire life upside down from the moment she'd met him.
Their partnership...their friendship, really, meant everything to her. Booth had stood by her through thick and thin, and had shown he would give his life for her. She had never had anyone in her life who had shown her so much evidence of the fact that they cared for her.
Temperance Brennan didn't believe in love, as everything she'd ever experienced had shown her how ephemeral it was. How untrustworthy it was. But what she felt for Booth, and the deep need she had for him in her life went beyond today's notions of love.
'The FBI doesn't let its agents or contractors fraternise.'
He'd told her that the very first time they'd met. Sweets had said that that first case they'd worked together had been 'their moment', but Brennan disagreed. What she felt for Booth then could not compare at all to what she felt for him now. If they'd followed through on their attraction after that first meeting, Brennan knew that they would never have had the type of partnership that they'd shared for six years. That hadn't been 'love' in anyone's definition.
Booth had told her later on in their partnership about the line that shouldn't be crossed between people who worked together. That type of closeness could destroy a person's objectivity. When two people had to trust each other with their lives, it was hard to do that when you were emotionally involved. Although, if she were honest, Brennan knew that when it came to Booth her objectivity was close to nil. She would give up anything to keep Booth safe.
But if she gave into Booth now, it would mean the end of their partnership. The one constant in her life, the most important thing that Brennan had ever experienced. It was irrational to feel that way about anyone or anything, but Brennan felt that way about Booth. The thought of working with anyone else was physically sickening. She had tolerated working with Sully, and even with Agent Perotta, but the thought of doing field work with someone who wasn't Booth was...nothing she wanted to think about.
"You mean us? No. The FBI won't let us work together," Brennan said.
She could feel the beginning of tears welling in her eyes. She couldn't remember the last time she'd cried, though she was fairly certain that Booth had been present for that as well. His 'guy hugs' were more comforting than anything she could describe. She wished for one now.
"Don't do that!" Booth protested. "That is no reason."
Brennan tried to find the words, but the moment she opened her mouth, his lips were on hers, and her brain stopped working. He was so warm, and so familiar. Despite having only kissed twice in six years, she would recognise the taste of him anywhere. The salty tang of his tears was new, but beneath all of that was Booth. Just Booth.
Her partner. Her best friend.
Brennan broke away, pushing on his chest, "no. No."
"Why?" Booth pleaded.
Because everything would change. Because everyone who had ever told her that they loved her had left. Her parents when she was fifteen, her brother two weeks later. Seven different sets of foster parents. Lovers, friends. Everyone who had ever said 'I love you' had gone from her life. And she knew that same thing would happen with Booth.
He would realise how wrong she was for him. Would realise how strange, how different she was from every other person around them, and he would leave her behind. Like everyone else ever had. She didn't know if she could handle the thought of opening herself up to him completely and then having him walk away.
The two weeks she had thought that he was dead had been the hardest fourteen days of her life. She didn't know if she would ever get over the loss. Get over seeing him walk away from her, out of her life, and never see him again. It would crush her heart to see him walk away. And he would when he realised that she could never be what he needed.
"You - you thought you were protecting me. But you're the one who needs protecting," Brennan struggled to get the words out, her voice shaking, and tears slipping down her cheeks.
"Protection from what?" Booth demanded.
"From me. I don't have your kind of open heart," Brennan struggled to find the words to make him understand.
She would lose him altogether if she couldn't make him see why they were better staying the way they were. She wouldn't be able to hurt him down the line when he realised how unworthy she was. And he wouldn't be able to hurt her when he inevitably walked away.
"I am not a gambler," Brennan said as calmly as she could, though her voice caught in her throat, and her words came out a little slower than usual. "I'm a scientist. I can't change. I don't know how... I don't know how."
Brennan couldn't stand to see the look on his face, couldn't stand to watch as he realised that she could never be what he needed. She might be what he wanted right now, but that would change with time. They were partners, and they were friends, and changing that would ruin everything that was so great about them.
"Who says you have to? Huh, Bones? I don't want you to change."
She couldn't help but look up as she heard his fierce declaration. She could hear the desperation in his tone, see how much he wanted to try a relationship.
"I...I can't be what you need."
"What I need? I need you, Temperance."
He hadn't called her by name in years. Not since he'd been trying to convince her to let her father into her life. That had been nearly three years ago.
"I need a partner, Bones, an equal. That's you. And I need someone who's not afraid to tell me when I'm being an idiot. And you definitely don't have a problem doing that. I need someone who understands me. And you understand me better than anyone. Better than my Pops, and he's known me my whole life. I need someone who can listen to what I say, and you do that everyday. I need someone who can challenge me, and make me laugh, and make me feel. You think you can't do that, but you do, Bones. You do it everyday."
"But not the way you mean."
"So, why can't we? Why can't we be that for each other? You're the one I turn to when I need advice, and when I need to vent. When I just want to talk to someone, I go to you. You have been the one constant thing in my life, Bones, and I want us to be that for each other."
"But I don't believe in love-"
"But you do believe in feelings," Booth argued.
Brennan nodded. "Yes, I do."
"And you feel something for me?"
"Of course I do, you're my best friend."
And he was. Despite the fact that she and Angela had been friends for longer, Booth knew more about her than anyone else ever had. She'd told him things that she'd never dared to say out loud before. And she knew that there were things he'd told her that he'd never been told to anyone else either.
"But you feel differently about me than you do about Angela," Booth said.
Brennan couldn't deny that statement, even though logic dictated that she should feel no differently about her two best friends. She furrowed her brows and nodded as se hesitantly said "yes."
"Because Angela and I play different roles in your life, wouldn't you agree?"
Brennan couldn't deny that either. "That's true."
"And you love Angela," Booth continued.
"I do."
"And you love me," Booth asserted.
Brennan felt stumped. "I...I do."
Booth smiled brightly and Brennan couldn't help but smile back. She loved when he smiled, it always made her insides feel as though metaphorical butterflies were flying through her insides. Impossible, of course, but accurate imagery nonetheless.
"You say you can't love, but you already do, Bones. You love Angela, and you love your dad, and Russ, and Parker. And me. I know why you think that romantic love can't exist, can't be real. I know that everything you've ever experienced about love has made you think that it can't last. But, Temperance, we love each other."
Booth took her hand and pressed it to his heart. She could feel the pounding pulse of it beneath layers of clothing, and was gratified to realise that his heart was racing as fast as her own.
"You don't believe that people can love because it's just chemicals. It's more than chemicals, Bones. It's more than the desire to procreate. It's about knowing that without that person in your life, your life wouldn't be worth living. That you would be less without them. I am so much less without you."
Brennan's eyes closed, and she hung her head, feeling it collide with Booth's chest. He pulled her closer and rested his hands on her back. He was so solid, and so real, and she felt so much for him.
"I...I'm less without you too, Booth," she whispered shakily.
"I don't need you to change. And I don't need you to believe in romance, I can do that for the both of us. I just need you to believe in me."
"I do believe in you," she said, looking up at him.
He was so close, and so perfectly symmetrical. His hands were so strong, and she felt so safe within his arms. She'd learned early on that whenever she was scared, she would hug him, and everything felt so much better, no matter how irrational it was.
"Will you feel this way about me tomorrow?" Booth asked.
Brennan's eyes narrowed. "Of course I will. My feelings won't change overnight."
Booth smiled, as though that somehow proved a point, but Brennan didn't know exactly what point that was.
"But you said you wanted sixty years," Brennan reminded him. "I can't promise you that my feelings won't change in sixty years, and neither can you."
"So, promise me tomorrow. And tomorrow, you'll promise me the day after that. Promise me that we can be better together tomorrow."
Brennan didn't know why, but the thought of promising him tomorrow was far less daunting than the earlier suggestion of promising him sixty years. She could do tomorrow. That was completely within her grasp. She knew without a doubt that when she woke up tomorrow morning, she would still feel this need for Booth's presence in her life. She would still need to see his face, and hear his voice, and brush up against his body. Only now, she would actually be allowed to do it, rather than just getting the occasional 'guy hug', which now that she thought about it, she'd never seen Booth hug a guy.
"I can promise you tomorrow," Brennan said.
END
Author's Note: Just finished watching this ep for about the fift time, and dammit, he gave up too easily. He knew her, knew she didn't believe in love. Why on earth would he give up so easily. I am just basking in the knowledge of the season six finale to carry me through re-watching seasons five and six. Hope you enjoyed my contribution. DKG
