You've been waiting in the restaurant now for just over an hour. That little fucker said he'd be here by now. You haven't seen him since the two of you were seventeen and now, at twenty-three, something had possessed you to want to see Karkat Vantas.
Sure you'd chatted on Skype, though he'd never called and you'd never started a video chat with him. You've been texting him a lot lately too. He'd given you his "new" number a few years ago and you'd just started using it a few months ago. That's when you decided that you wanted to see him again.
And as it turns out he lived in the same state. Not just in the same state but the same goddamn city. You're fairly certain that you went to the same college and were in the same major. You're just not sure how you could miss that little fire cracker. He was so small with such a loud voice that it was almost piercing.
You really didn't miss that.
You wonder if he's changed like you have. You've filled out some since high school. No longer the emaciated nerd you once were, you're now a slightly less emaciated nerd who also happens to be in charge of your school paintball teams. If nothing else, the running has reminded you that you need to eat and helped to put just a little bit of muscle on your wiry frame. Your lisp is still prominent, though. Not like it had been. You don't trip over words like asparagus or susuruss anymore, but everyone gives you this look when they hear you speak like "Oh listen to the lisping fag" and that just makes you want to shove them down some stairs and knock their teeth out.
The waitress comes by again and you order another drink. Sure you agreed to meet at seven, but you always liked to be there before people. Plus you couldn't go into this meeting sober. No way.
A deep, rich voice pulls you out of your head. "Sollux?"
You down half of your drink and turn to look. There's no way that this is Karkat. He's too taller. Too big. But you just stare up at him dumbly. "KK?"
He nods and slides into the booth across from you. You turn back towards him, trying not to let yourself stare too much. He's smiling when you finally meet his eyes. "Fuck, I was beginning to think that you'd made this place up." He laughs sharply and that's when you're positive it's him. It's biting and short, but so much lower than what you remember.
But nothing else about him is the same. Where once he was all bone and sinew now he's built like a fucking brick wall. You frown. "So what the fuck happened to my short nerdy friend?"
He rolls his eyes. "I told you, shit sack, I joined the army. I served my time. In the process I fucking grew and, well, I worked out." He huffs. "It's amazing what happens when you get out of a shitty home and actually fucking sleep." His eyes scan you up and down. "But what the fuck happened to you? You've hardly fucking changed."
You lean back in your seat with a shrug. One of your feet hits his and you move so it won't happen again. "I guess I was done growing in high school. But fuck you very much I've filled out."
He frowns and there's Karkat. It was hard to see with him smiling earlier but no one can fake a Vantas scowl. "Yeah you've filled out and I've magically become the leader of a group of horned children trying to save the universe."
You shrug. "Fuck, KK, hope you don't kill them all."
You watch as that little vein in his forehead throbs and that just makes you smile. It's been so long since you've seen him face to face. You've missed this shit out loud. "I am an excellent leader! It's not my fault if people don't fucking listen when I give an order."
"You were dishonorably discharged, weren't you."
His expression drooped. "Why would you fucking say that? Do you even know what a dishonorable discharge is?"
"Nope."
"Well then fuck you, Captor." He throws a napkin at you but looks up when the waitress comes around. He orders his drink and you just focus on the cadence of his fucking voice. That's just not fair. You're just so nasally and lisping and he's so rich and gravelly. And you hate to even let the word pass through your brain, but his voice is sexy.
Once the waitress is gone you take another sip of you drink and set it down with a distinct clink on the table. You turn it with your thumb and ring finger. "So the army. What have you been doing since then?"
He shrugs and looks around the restaurant. The place is too fucking dark to really see anything at all so he has to squint. He looks back at you. "It's just been a lot of shitty jobs after another. College hasn't exactly been great for me."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
You take another drink and keep your eyes on him. "You wanna..."
"I don't wanna fucking talk about it." He crosses his arms over his chest and you suddenly feel very alien. Like you're just some stranger in his life. You haven't seen him in years. You barely talk to him when you're online. You've only just started texting him years after he gave you his number. You chew at your lip and look down before he starts talking again. "So why the fuck did you want to meet now?"
You snap your head up to look at him. "What?"
"After six fucking years. Why now?"
You look away and shrug. "It just felt like the right time I guess."
"The right time?" He leans in, glaring at you. "The right time? I thought I was your best fucking friend, Sollux! The right time would have been before you fucking moved! The right time would have been after you fucking kissed me!" He puts his hand over his mouth and you slink down in your seat, thinking about the last time you'd seen Karkat Vantas.
You were seventeen years old and so was he. You were moving away, leaving your friends and some of your family behind. But the only person that you cared about leaving was him. He was your best friend. You'd been with him your entire life. Born within days of each other, you practically waved at him on your way out of the fucking hospital when he was in the nursery.
And he stood in front of you, looking up at you, angry like always. He had a right to be mad this time. Or at least he was about to. You hadn't really said much about the move. About how far you really moving. Or when it was happening. But that day, before you were leaving, you had to tell him. How far. Where. When.
But all that you could tell him was that you were leaving the next day. You didn't know when you'd be back. And you put a hand on his face. He was crying then. Angry at the world but mostly at you at this point.
You leaned down and brought your lips to his. You were sloppy trying to kiss him. You weren't even sure why you were doing it, but you were kissing your best fucking friend. And he was kissing you back. He'd wrapped his arms around you and let out this pathetic little noise as your lips moved clumsily and your tongues brushed against each other's awkwardly.
You stayed like that for longer than you should have. You'd always thought that he was just your best friend, but after kissing him you wanted more.
But you didn't want to risk anything.
So after you'd kissed you told him that you were leaving. And so you left.
You didn't IM him for nearly a year afterward and all that your message had said was "2up KK."
Needless to say he was not amused.
But now he's staring at you. As unamused as the boy you'd left after that kiss. His eyes are older and he's taller than he was, but he's still here. Waiting for you to respond. You take another long drink as the waitress brings his beer. He puts a hand on it and you watch his fingers as they grip the glass.
You sit in silence for so long that you think he'll just leave. You don't have an excuse. What you did was terrible. But you were just a kid. You were just scared. You didn't want to lose him as a friend, and you wanted to be something more. He shakes his head at you and leans forward. "You're a weak little man, Sollux Captor. I spent years wondering what was so wrong with me that you'd do that to me. Years." He stares you down resolutely.
You'd actually forgotten how much you loved that.
You take a deep breath and let it out. Even with a couple drinks in your system, you're still nowhere near the level of drunk you should be for this. "You wanna go back to my place?"
"Fuck you."
"That was my intention."
This comment just makes him more upset. He looks at his beer like he's thinking about throwing it in your face. Instead he spits. "No. Just no. There is no fucking way. I've spent too long pining for you." He takes a long drink of his beer while you wipe the spit from your face. You know you deserved that.
You look him in the eyes. "Would you at least come with me so I can tell you why I did it?" You lean forward onto the table and watch as he quickly finishes the beer.
He slams down the glass and waves the waitress over, asking her to just bring a fucking pitcher. Those are his exact words of course. Ever polite. He looks back at you while he waits for her to come back. "Why the fuck would I want to listen to you at all?"
You look down, almost hurt. "Because we're friends."
His eyes go wide in mock surprise and he puts his hand over his chest. "Oh? Are we friends? Because I thought that friends didn't do shit like that!"
You're getting angry now and you shout at him. "For fuck's sake, KK, it was six fucking years ago! I was a stupid kid!" You flex your hands. "So I'm sorry that it took so long for me to say anything! I'm sorry that I didn't Skype you that much until last year! I'm sorry that I didn't text you until a few months ago, okay? I'm fucking useless at shit like this, you know that."
"No I fucking don't. We haven't had a real conversation in years, Sollux." He flexes his hands like he wants to hit something. You realize that that something is probably you.
"But we could, KK. I us want to be friends again." You still want to be more. You don't say anything about that, though. You can see the rage in Karkat's eyes and, as funny as it was to piss him off when he was a five-foot hundred ball of anger, now it doesn't seem like a good idea. He's not as tall as you, but his biceps are as big around as your thighs. Which might be impressive if you had any mass to your thighs.
"That boat's sailed, Captor." He shakes his head at you.
"But I want to swim out to it, KK. I want to try again." You swallow. "Let's put this shit behind us. Pretend it never happened maybe? Start over."
He sighs and watches as the waitress puts the pitcher down. He pours himself another drink and you see him shaking. He's really fucking pissed off at you. "No. There's not fucking way that I'm going to sit here and do some stupid forgiveness thing and just fucking pretend we've never met. You were my best fucking friend through school. And last I checked, you left. I got new fucking friends. You remember Ampora?"
You snort and finish off what little is left of your drink. "Well duh."
"Turns out he was okay. He joined the navy when I joined the army. We still keep in touch." He narrows his eyes and takes a drink. "Unlike a certain fucker that I know."
"KK I don't know what you want from me."
"I want you to tell me why the fuck you didn't talk to me after that. Why you didn't fucking tell me that you were moving before you did!"
You swirl the ice in your glass around, watching it shift as it melts. "I was terrified, KK... I didn't know how to tell you and I thought that, just maybe, if I didn't say anything then I wouldn't have to fucking leave. Okay? And I kissed you because I didn't want to be friends! I wanted so much more than that, Karkat!" You're gripping the sweating glass tightly. "I wanted to be so much fucking more than just your best friend, okay? And I realized it too fucking late to do anything but what I did!"
"Then why didn't you say anything afterward you used puke sack!"
"Because I didn't know what to say!" You're both shouting now. Other patrons are staring at you. You don't care. "I was just a dumb fucking kid that couldn't think of anything to say after he'd kissed the boy he loved, okay? I fucking loved you!"
Karkat looks away, a blush over his cheeks. "Why the fuck didn't you just tell me?"
You shrug and slide the glass back and forth between your hands. "I was scared."
He laughs bitterly and shakes his head as he takes another drink. "You cat fucking piece of shit." He shakes his head and refills his glass, offering it to you. "Take a fucking drink, Sollux. We both need a fucking stern one."
You take the glass and raise it in a toast. "Thanks, KK." You take a long drink from it and slide it across the table. "You sure you don't wanna come back to my place? Maybe we can get something a little stronger and talk about this."
He finishes the glass in a long drink and slams it on the table. "Not before we finish this fucking pitcher."
"Fair enough." He pours himself another glass and pushes the pitcher you. You make a face as you drink the melted ice in the bottom of your glass. It can hardly be called water at this stage. It tastes like diluted scotch but you drink it anyway. You pour some beer into your glass and then drink that just as quickly, glad for the bitter taste in your mouth.
He watches you. "You better slow down, Sollux. You look like a bit of a light weight."
You smirk. "I might look like a light weight but I could drink your sorry ass under the table, KK."
He drinks his beer quickly. "You're just as much of a cocky dick as I remember."
"Yeah, well, that's completely redundant, KK. A cocky dick?" You smirk as you pour yourself another beer. The pitcher is almost empty now.
He shakes his head and sighs. "I missed your special brand of sass in real life. You're a hard one to top like that."
You waggle your eyebrows. "Now you're talking about topping me? I'm starting to think that all you want really is my dick."
He balls up the wet napkin that was his coaster and throws it at you. You hits you square in the jaw and just makes you laugh. "Go to hell!" He's laughing this time, though. He finishes his fourth beer and pours what's left of the pitcher into his glass. He's smiling and shaking his head as he drains the contents of his glass. He sets the glass down with a clack and looks at you. "You're paying."
"Of course I am. A gentleman always pays on the first date." You wink at him and he turns a brilliant shade of pink.
You almost forgot just how cute he is when he does that.
"This isn't a fucking date, you prick."
You swallow the lump in your throat as the waitress come back asking if she can get you anything else. You just hand her your card and tell her that you don't need anything but to pay and tip. You stare at Karkat as you speak When she's gone you just blink at him, slowly. "If this isn't a date, then why did you come?" You peer over the top of your glasses at him, hoping that maybe meeting his gaze with catch him off guard.
It does.
"I... I don't fucking know, okay!" He shouts as the waitress drops off your card and the bill to sign. "I don't fucking know why I agreed to meet you today! I had myself convinced that I was over you. That I didn't need you. That I was done obsessing over a boy that would never, could never, love me. And now you say that you fucking did? Well you sure have a shitty ass way of showing it, Sollux!" There are tears in his eyes as you sign the receipt and put down the tip. His next words are barely above a whisper. "I should fucking hate you."
You put your card in your wallet as you get out of the booth, looking down at him. "Do you?" You quirk an eyebrow.
"No."
"Then come with me." You hold out your hand and pull him out of the booth. The two of you walk out, a little wobbly, and he looks around the parking lot. "You're not fucking driving, Karkat, you're had like five beers." You motion for him to follow you. "My building's nearby."
He walks behind you in silence. It's strange going anywhere with him without him yelling about things. Maybe the years have made him less angry.
Or maybe they've just honed his anger into a fine blade of rage, ready to strike at any time.
You find that mental image sexy as fuck.
You make it to your building and go inside. You lead him up to the second floor to your apartment. You let him go in first and lock the door behind you when you're inside. He turns around and looks up at you. He shoves you against the door and leans up, face inches from yours.
"Tell me why I don't fucking hate you."
You swallow and look down at him. "I wish I could tell you."
He bites at his lip and then licks it before leaning in to kiss you. It's angry and rough and all you can think is more as he keeps your hands pinned against the door. But he pushes off quickly, a conflicted look on his face. He rubs at the back of his neck and looks down. "I never fucking want to see you again."
You blink and lick your lips, tasting the alcohol from earlier and from his kiss on them. "Then go." Your voice is challenging him to leave. He wants to play the game. You'll play.
He looks back up at you, the scowl still on his face. "You're in the way."
"I know."
He swallows and kicks at the ground. "I'm too fucking drunk to go anywhere."
You smile hopefully. "Then stay with me." He walks closer to you, but then bends down to take off his boots. "Are you staying?"
He throws his boots to the side and stands up. "Where can I fucking sleep?" He isn't looking you in the eyes.
"You can sleep in my room." He growls at you. "Don't fucking growl at me, KK. I was gonna sleep in the living room." You lead him to your room and as you turn to go he blacks the doorway. "KK?"
"Why can't I just hate you?"
"I already told you that I don't know."
"Everything would be so much easier if I could just fucking hate you. I used to . I used to hate you so much that I had dreams about beating the shit out of you." He laughs bitterly. "It got really bad when I enlisted. When I got bigger." You watch as the muscles of his arms tense. "I wanted to break yours bones. I wanted to rip out your heart. I wanted to make you hurt like I fucking hurt."
"KK..."
"No! You don't get to fucking talk!" He's drunk. You can tell this much now. You made a bad choice in letting a man this size drink so much. You moves toward you and you go the only way that you can: back. "You fucking left me there! Alone and fucking confused! All I wanted was my best fucking friend to talk to me! I fucking called you, Sollux! I fucking called! I sent you message after fucking message! I texted you! And you fucking know that my dad made me pay for every fucking text I would send! I texted you until I didn't have any money left!" He shoves you backwards to stumble onto the bed.
You lay there and stare up at him, genuinely scared about what he could do to you now if he wanted to. He stares at you. "I just wanted you to say something, Sollux. Anything."
You look away, ashamed, but then look up to meet his gaze. "KK, the last time I saw you we were seventeen. I didn't fucking know how I felt. I was scared fucking shitless. And I couldn't even do anything. Do you know how many times I sat down and started to write up an email to you? How many times I got your messages and stared at my phone until it went dead because I didn't know what to say? Do you know how many times I wanted to call and fucking tell you everything that was going through my head?"
"I don't fucking care how many times you thought about it. The plain fucking fact of the matter is that after a year. A WHOLE FUCKING YEAR! Of no word from you! All you fucking said was "sup." You have NO fucking clue how angry I was."
"You're not angry now then?"
"I'm furious. I want to hit you and wring your neck. But." He swallows. "I want to kiss you too."
"Then do it."
He presses a knee between your legs, forcing them apart. "No."
"Fine. Have it your way." You flop back onto the bed but he moves so that he's on top of you, holding down your shoulders. The look on his face has changed dramatically. Where his rage was all that's left is defeat. You're not sure what it is that's made him lose his rage.
You have a feeling that is has something to do with how small you are. You barely weight 150 pounds and at your height it makes you look like skin and bone, despite having filled out some.
He's breathing hard now as he stares down at you. You can practically hear the cogs turning in his head. He swallows. "You'd be okay if I kissed you?"
You laugh. "Well yeah."
"And if I decided that kissing wasn't enough? If I wanted to would you let me fuck you ragged?" His eyes are darting over your face.
You swallow hard. "Yes."
"If I wanted, would you let me make love to you? Soft and gentle."
"Yes."
"If I wanted would you let me just leave. Right now?"
"Yes, though..." You take a deep breath. "Though I'd be sad to see you go."
He leans forward, letting his face to hover inches from your mouth "Why?"
You shudder at the closeness of his mouth. "I don't know."
"That's not good enough."
"I can't tell you why, Karkat."
He smirks. "Are you trying to butter me up by using my name?"
You smirk right back at him. "No."
"Then why are you using it? Why aren't you calling me KK?"
"Because I only do that with my friends."
He frowns. "And so I'm not your fucking friend, is that it?" He tightens his grip on your shoulders.
"No."
"Fuck you."
"You're more than that. I don't fucking know what, but you're so much more than just a friend." You look away. "It's like we've known each other forever. And I know that we pretty much have, but it's like there's something older than just knowing each other our entire lives. It all sounds so fucking cheesy."
He smiles and leans forward, pressing a soft kiss to your lips. It's a strange contrast to the position that you found yourself in earlier. And right now, with him overpowering you like this, the softness of his lips is making you melt. You want to reach up and to pull him closer, but with your arms pinned like this all you can do is buck your hips. It doesn't do anything but press you into his leg. He pulls back from the kiss and looks you in the eyes.
"I don't care how fucking cheesy it is." He moves his hands from holding your arms down to cupping your cheeks. "You stupid fuck." He starts to laugh. "You stupid fucking fuck." He presses another kiss to your lips and this time you can pull him close and hold him tightly.
He's so warm. So broad. As he moves his lips you moan quietly into his mouth.
His tongue swipes against your lips as he pulls away and you both let out throaty noises.
A smile spreads across your face and the only thing that you can think to say is, "You'll stay?"
He presses another kiss to your lips and you know that you have your answer.
