IMPERFECT CHAPTER 1

She forgot his birthday. It's almost laughable that it bothers him. A wistful smile forces its way onto Harvey's mouth now. Their tradition wasn't so much about celebrating his birthday, as about him cringing because of whatever ridiculous thing she'd planned.

Every year, he'd act annoyed, as if her efforts were irritating, but they both knew better. It's what they did. Just one of many little games they played over the years, designed to keep their tether in check.

He'll always remember that time at the DA's office when Donna forced him to wear a stupid tinsel party hat. Then, she and Bertha sang "Happy Birthday" at the top of their lungs, while delivering a flaming piece of chocolate cake to his desk. He was horrified at the silliness of it all, but it got to him. She got to him.

And how could he forget that birthday morning she met him at the elevator? Greeting him with a seductive French accent, cup of coffee in one hand and gourmet bagel in the other. The bread had a terrible pink candle on it. Wax dripping all over the shiny doughy top and solidifying against the froth of the cream cheese. He ate it anyway. She was excited and he wasn't about to disappoint her. So, he ate it.

His 40th was certainly memorable. She presented him with a giant "Happy Birthday from All of Us" card. Signatures and well wishes from all 122 employees, half of whom he doesn't even know. Donna spent the entire week harassing staff and following that damn card from office to office and cubicle to cubicle. He recoils now at the thought of it, and all that birthday attention from his colleagues. Even so, she worked hard for that, so it's tucked away somewhere in his closet.

Then there's the annual birthday dinner. Donna would never let him escape without a night at Del Posto. He chuckles to himself about how she would insist on paying, even though money has always been fluid between them. "It's the principle…," she'd explain, determined to have him order whatever he wanted. Donna knew he would temper his choices if she was paying.

Harvey scans the darkening New York City skyline, and lets out a long, reflective sigh.

One day he'll turn 50. Admittedly, he still has a few years left before that milestone, but Donna teased that, when he does, she'll hire a stripper. He's been secretly looking forward to it. Not the stripper, not at all, but to see if she actually would. Because if she does, it will mean she's still in his life in a meaningful way. And that's all he wants at 50.

Images of past birthdays flash across his mind's eye now. Anniversaries were always more important to Donna than to him. Her eyes wide and excited as she's presented him with a variety candle-lit treats over the years – bagels, pieces of cake, coffee cart brownies and, once, a take-out container of shitty Pad Thai.

"Make a wish!" she'd insist with a high-pitched voice. He always did. It's the same one every year. A wish that she's here forever. That she'll never leave.

His jaw now tensed, Harvey slouches further onto his couch and pulls out his phone. Friday night, eight fifteen. Messages and texts. Surely, she'd at least leave him a birthday voicemail. He scrolls through… Mom, Marcus and Mike. Nope. Nothing. He swallows down the disappointment, and nervously taps his foot to release the growing tightness in his chest.

So she forgot one birthday… the night's not over yet, he tells himself.

Harvey really shouldn't be surprised. Since Donna started seeing Thomas, she's been in her own world. She and her perfect man have been in their own bubble, actually. Fancy dinners, theatre, a weekend in the Hamptons and another in Palm Springs. Harvey is grateful he hasn't had to hear the gory details, but he knows he's staring down the barrel of a gun. She's slipping away and time is running out.

Swirling the scotch in his tumbler, Harvey tries to string together the memories and events that brought them here. They're supposed to be together by now. Mike once called them "end game". Deep down, he's always believed that. He thought she did, too.

She's sacrificed her career and risked her freedom for him. He's traded cases for her. Even left a relationship to keep her near. And when she resigned, he ripped that possibility to shreds. They've always taken care of each other… and that night she took a chance... she knows damn well he kissed her back.

How can she not want this, not want him now? They've been stoking this fire for years. All he needed was just a little more time so he could gather the courage to tell her. He was working up to that, he really was. Then, out of the blue, along comes Thomas. And within minutes, he pisses on that flame, extinguishing it and leaving Harvey to deal with the ashes.

Thomas Kessler.

The problem with Thomas is that there's no problem with Thomas. He's pretty much perfect. Harvey would even say a little too perfect. Or maybe he's just jealous. The guy's good-looking, charming, attentive and a savvy businessman. If Harvey were honest about it, he couldn't imagine a better fit for Donna, or for any smart woman, really.

And he's noticed that Donna has never looked happier… she's practically glowing. Since Thomas captured her heart, there hasn't been a day where Harvey hasn't seen her smile. A genuine, honest-to-goodness, I-love-my-life smile.

Harvey wants Donna to be happy. He really does. And if he has to live with this, he'll find a way… eventually. But right now… now that she's forgotten his birthday… He. Just. Can't.

The sudden knock at the door echoes through his penthouse with a thud, and Harvey nearly drops his drink.

She did remember. Relieved, a tiny smile forms on his lips as he heads for the door.

"Happy Birthday, Harvey!"

Louis.

Still in a suit and tie, his colleague has evidently come straight from the office. Stepping in, he hands Harvey a new bottle of his favourite scotch, a red ribbon tied around its neck.

"This is for you. I wasn't sure if you had plans, but I thought I'd take a chance and drop in," Louis says, with a wide toothy grin.

Even though he manages a thankful smile in return, Harvey's eyes can't hide his disappointment.

"I'm just drinking… drinking and thinking," Harvey says flatly, as he leads Louis into his penthouse. "Can I pour you one?"

"Sure… You ok, Harvey?" Louis asks with a furrowed brow. "You know, at your age, making it through another year is worth celebrating."

Harvey offers a half-hearted chuckle as he hands Louis the glass. "Our age, Louis. You're older than me, remember?"

Harvey drops onto the sofa and Louis sits in the chair opposite him.

"So… " Louis begins. "I'm surprised you didn't have plans tonight. Friday night, eligible bachelor, on your birthday..."

"What can I say, Kate Upton is on a photo shoot and Scarlett Johansson is doing a movie, so I'm laying low tonight," he smirks.

Louis offers an agreeable nod, but he sees right through this talk. Since he's been with Sheila, his eyes have been opened to exactly what Harvey is doing. In fact, he's been guilty of this behaviour himself… putting on a brave face while trying to swallow down the pain. He's not exactly sure what's going on with his friend and colleague, but the timing of Harvey's mood is telling.

Ever since Donna started dating Thomas, Harvey has been different, quieter. He keeps to himself at the office and doesn't challenge Louis the way he has in the past. Doesn't brag about winning or closing or playing the man or any of the shit that only Harvey Specter can do.

In team meetings, Louis has also noticed that Donna and Harvey no longer banter like before. It once was a distracting part of their meetings, but now it's all business. And at the end of the day, Donna leaves as soon as she can, while Harvey stays as long as possible.

"Alright Harvey, I'm going to get right down to it," the managing partner asserts. "What's wrong?"

Harvey takes a sip of his drink, waiting for it to burn its way down, and then he looks away.

"Nothing's wrong, Louis," he denies, licking his lips. "Just don't love birthdays."

"Well, you haven't been loving birthdays for quite a while then," Louis volleys back. "You've been different."

"Have I? I thought you'd be happy that I'm not giving you trouble. Thought I was doing you a favour." Harvey stands and walks towards the bar cart to replenish his drink. He also needs the distraction.

"You're upset," Louis states matter-of-factly, turning in his chair, his eyes following Harvey across the room.

"Not upset, Louis. You can stand down," he says, returning the top to the crystal decanter.

"Jesus, Harvey, we've been in therapy together," Louis reminds him. "Just tell me… What the hell is up with you?"

With his back to Louis, and eyes fixed on the blackened skyline, Harvey drops his shoulders and huffs.

"Donna."

"Donna?" Louis repeats. "What about her?"

"She's with Thomas."

"I know," Louis confirms. Thomas is his client.

"She didn't mention my birthday today. She's busy tonight, I guess." He takes another burning sip.

Louis presses his lips together and nods. "I bet she thinks it doesn't matter to you."

"What? Why would you say that?" Harvey challenges as he swiftly turns to face Louis.

"Because that's how you act, Harvey," Louis states. "That's the truth."

Harvey knits his brow, mulling over Louis's words. He's not going to deny that. Louis understands him all too well now. He keeps the people he cares about at arm's length, and when they eventually back away, he's hurt.

"You want to know another truth?... She's only with him because she can't be with you. She's only ever been with anyone else because she can't be with you." Louis informs, his words cutting close to the bone.

Despite the alcohol numbing his veins, Harvey feels his body stiffen and he shakes his head. "She doesn't want me. She told me herself," he lawyers back, determined to prove he knows better.

"Yeah, well that's bullshit," Louis says, rolling his eyes. "What about you? Have you ever been straight with her? Have you told her you're in love with her."

Harvey jerks his head back and raises his eyebrows in surprise. Louis is not mincing his words tonight, stating everything as fact. Has he been that obvious?

"Yes… no… I don't know." Harvey's voice cracks with uncertainty as he scans the ceiling.

"And that's also bullshit," Louis lawyers back. "You do know… and it's killing you, Harvey. Just tell her."

Harvey gulps down the liquid. He can't even fake it anymore. "What if she doesn't…?"

Louis cuts him off. "She won't."

"She's in a relationship. She's happy," he adds, tossing out excuses he secretly hopes Louis will challenge.

"Happy enough, maybe," his friend suggests. "But it's not what she really wants, it's what she's settling for."

"You don't know that," Harvey contests, sounding defeated. "Kessler's pretty near perfect."

"I do know that. But don't take my word for it, find out for yourself," Louis dares him. "Unless you don't really want it. If that's the case, better leave her alone because she can make it work with Thomas. And he's all in."

Louis's words feel threatening, and Harvey's heart pounds like he's getting ready for a fight.

With a breath, Harvey wants to confide more in his friend, so he asks, "How do I..."

Louis interrupts again. "Call her. Tell her you need to talk to her," he advises. "But you have to be willing to put it all out there and be prepared for what comes back."

"That she doesn't want the same?" he asks. His insides are spinning.

"No... that she does." Louis explains. "You're going to have to prove that it's different this time. Can you be there for her tomorrow and the day after that, Harvey? Can you stick it out when she's angry? Because she's going to be angry."

"I can. I want to…," he admits. "But she won't believe me."

"I know Donna. If you're honest with her, Harvey, really honest, and willing to fight for her, she'll believe you... eventually," Louis assures, as he gets up from his chair. He only intended to drop by for a few minutes.

"I appreciate this, Louis," Harvey says gratefully.

"Harvey, I'm sorry, but I have to go," the managing partner explains. "I told Sheila I'd be back by nine and I'm already late."

"You go," he says with an understanding nod, wishing he, too, had someone who missed him like that. "And thanks again, Louis."

"Anytime, my friend," Louis responds, patting him on the shoulder. Harvey follows his colleague to the door, and before walking out, Louis turns back. "Make it a birthday present to yourself, Harvey… to take a risk. Donna is worth it, and so are you."

Harvey offers a quick nod, shuts the door and leans against it. Closing his eyes, he lets out a frustrated sigh. Pulling out his phone once again, he checks for messages. Still nothing. Then he stares at #1 on his contact list – Donna. His thumb hovers above the button. Should he call? No...

Maybe, he shudders to think, Donna is "busy" with Thomas. Harvey decides to text instead.

Hey, are you free tomorrow? Thought we could talk.

Harvey stares at the blue screen until it slowly fades to black. In the past, it would take her seconds to respond, but they've drifted so far now, he's not even sure if she will.

Resting his phone on the kitchen counter, Harvey busies himself by putting away cups and plates from the dishwasher. Then, he gives the mobile a quick glance. Blank.

After pouring himself a glass of water, he heads to the den to watch sports highlights. That's always a good time-waster, he thinks.

After an hour of mindlessly watching tv, Harvey heads back into the kitchen to peek at his phone again. Still nothing. Disappointed, he turns away. Then…

Ping! The screen lights up. He rushes back, squeezing the phone in his hand before looking down.

Sure. Afternoon? Where do I meet you? Everything ok?

Harvey takes a deep breath, giving himself a few minutes before responding. He doesn't want to appear too anxious.

Not sure, Need to talk. My place? 2 pm?

Another ping.

K.

There's no turning back now, Harvey realizes. What's worse is that he's got all night and all morning to stress about this. And he doesn't even know what to say. Given everything that's gone down between them, he knows she's not going to believe him. Not at first. The minute he opens his mouth, her guard will be up.

Jesus, what the hell am I going to say?

Harvey's mind turns to Thomas once again. How can he compete with a guy like that? Sure, he and Donna have history, but Thomas is a clean slate. He's the guy who's never hurt or confused or disappointed her. It's a relationship full of promise with no baggage for Donna to unpack. He really can't fault her for wanting that. She deserves it.

Then Harvey wonders what he could possibly offer her. In court, in the ring, and even at the poker table, he fights to win. But to win back Donna's trust and affection while she's in a relationship? And to fight for her now that she's happy with someone? This goes against everything he believes in.

Moral issues aside, he also has no clue where to start. He's already made a mess of her ability to trust him. How does he express his feelings for her while respecting her relationship status? Can that even be done? These are the questions branding themselves into his brain at the moment, and he has no answers.

It's been a long day. A long week, actually. So Harvey decides to leave it all until morning. Maybe after a good night's sleep, he'll be able to work out what he needs to say, and how he's going to say it.

Harvey takes Louis's tumbler from the coffee table, places it in the dishwasher and turns off the kitchen lights. Padding his way to the bedroom, he turns on a lamp stationed next to the cactus plant Donna once gave him. The plant found its way into his bedroom one evening a couple of months ago, when he was feeling particularly lonely.

Tearing off his work shirt and pants, Harvey sets them on a chair along with the rest of his drycleaning. He returns his tie to the closet, and then drops his undershirt and socks in the laundry bin for his cleaning lady. He's not normally this intentional about his clothes, but he thrives on the routine now.

Wearing only his boxers, he drops to the floor. 50 push-ups, then he collapses, his arms and shoulders burning. Rolling over, he fights through 100 crunches. They hurt, but he needs it.

To keep the depression and panic attacks at bay, Harvey's been holding strong to a routine. So far it's been working. Running in the morning. Push-ups and crunches at night. In bed by eleven with some light reading. Lipschitz told him no documents or case files, so he's settled on two engaging biographies – one of Joe DiMaggio, the other of Muhammad Ali.

Reading helps lull him to sleep. But before he settles down, Harvey glances at his phone one final time. He half expects Donna to cancel, so he reviews their back and forth. While her responses weren't cold, they certainly didn't convey warmth like they once did.

What's it going to take for her to believe me this time?

Harvey closes his eyes and reflects on Louis's words… tell her the truth.

With his head heavy on his pillow, Harvey imagines Donna in front of him. There's no Thomas, it's just them. Her gorgeous eyes warm on his and her red hair soft on her shoulders. He hears himself tell her things, important things, honest things.

Donna, I love you.

I always have.

I always will.

I'm yours.

Please believe me.

Do you? Could you?

Before Harvey can imagine her answer back, sleep takes him.

XXX

It's nearly midnight and Donna can't sleep. Lying on her side, Thomas's arm suddenly feels heavy on her. It's almost suffocating.

Shit, Harvey, why did you contact me?

She's curious about what Harvey wants, and also furious. Not at him, but at herself for agreeing to meet, and for letting his stupid text affect her sleep.

She should have expected this "wanting to talk" nonsense from him. It's taken him longer this time than in the past, but it's still a classic Harvey move. First, he'll mention her man, usually by his first name. Mark, Stephen, Thomas… Then he'll admit he's affected by her relationship… "bothered", as he likes to say. Then he'll qualify his comment by admitting that it's not right or fair or blah, blah, blah... and that will be it.

So the fact that she's agreed to hear this one more time makes her want to scream.

Unless… unless he has something else he needs to tell her. Maybe he and Scottie have rekindled things. That's very possible. They've been in and out of each other's lives forever. And when Harvey needs something, she thinks, he has no problem justifying his behaviour. Or who knows, maybe Zoe is back from the UK.

Either way, the lesson here, Donna reminds herself, is to never let her guard down around Harvey. It was stupid of her to agree to meet in the first place, but the deed is done. Chalk it up to a moment of weakness. She'll make a point of telling Harvey that she's on a tight schedule. He can say what he needs to, and then she'll be out of there.

This entire thing is particularly maddening because she actually has a future with Thomas. He's attentive and open and self-aware. He treats her with respect and values her opinions. He's as generous in bed as he is out of it, and he likes his family.

Her 20-year-old romantic self would have never imagined this would be her life today. That she's seeing love from a more practical perspective. But what else in her life is like what she imagined it would be? She's also not on a Broadway stage every night, yet she's made a good life for herself. So, what's the point of hanging on to a fantasy with Harvey when what Thomas has to offer is real?

Donna sighs as she shifts out from under Thomas's arm and towards the cool sheets along the edge. It's going to be a restless night. She can already feel it.

Damn you, Harvey.