Kingdom of Heaven- Gone Rum

By Anarion, Altariel, & C.J.

One day, Balian was walking through the peaceful countryside, past numerous thatched cottages and farms, when a man in a turban leapt out from somewhere along the dusty path and startled him.

"I am Saladin!" he cackled in his thick Muslim accent. "Surprise! Now I'm going to kill you."

"Not if I kill you first!" responded Balian. He charged after Saladin with a pitchfork. Saladin began performing karate kicks in the air, pitching to the ground the second after he jumped.

"Tisk tisk!" commented Balian. "You are rather clumsy, you know."

Sibylla was cowering under the table inside a nearby hut.

"Hide, the PB&J Trojans are coming!"

"PB&J Trojans?" asked Balian incredulously. "I don't believe a word of it!"

"Well," said Saladin, "You better start believing, cuz here they come! Quick, hide!" Saladin snatched the pitchfork from Balian and bounded towards a cottage. Then, he turned and posed. Balian stood beside him. They masqueraded themselves as the "American Gothic" painting. Then, the PB&J Trojans arrived.

"I'm hungry," complained Sibylla. She looked around for something to eat. Then, she saw the PB&J Trojans coming. She hurried towards them, licking her lips, and picked one up.

"AHHH!" they all shrieked. "Help me! Heellpp meee!" Soon, Saladin got a pitchfork in the eye. He yanked it out and said:

"That'll wake you up in the morning, boy!" Then, he tried to pick up a heavy gate, but it fell on top of him, crushing him beyond repair. After this, Balian slid underneath the wagon and began to work.

"Hammer!" he commanded. His father, Godfrey, grabbed the hammer and handed it to Balian.

"Nail!" he said. He snatched this as well and began to pound, but he missed it completely and smashed his own hand flat.

"Yowch!" he yelled.

"Nyeah!" laughed Saladin, having just peeled himself up from the ground, "You missed, loser!" Balian began to pout. He reached for Godfrey's sword and threw it at Saladin. It hit him in the chest, turning Saladin into a fruit salad.

"Awww…" whined Balian. "Please mom, not again. I hate fruit salad." So he ran away and tried to go see The Return of the King, but he got lost and nearly starved to death on the way to the theatre.

"I am going to Fred Meyers to kill Pippin and get some new clothes," he decided. So he did. Then one day, Godfrey said:

"Balian, I want you to come fight with me in the Crusades."

"Fight with you?" asked Balian, confused.

"Yes," said his father.

"Ok," conceded Balian. So he began to fight with his father and accidentally chopped his own head off.

"Oh well," said Godfrey. "I guess it just wasn't meant to be."

Finis