A/N: I don't own Ouran High School Host Club.
'Non'- 'No,' in French
'Mon ami'- 'My friend,' also French.
---Mind your own business…---
Haruhi was on her way to the third music room after school. She had just had a very…erm…disturbed conversation with the twins about the sexual orientation of two particular members of the Host Club. And it wasn't them, or Honey and Mori-sempai.
Upon nearing her destination, she stopped outside the door. There were voices coming from within.
Although she was not one to umm…'over hear' other people's conversations, the strange sounds coming from within just fed her curiosity. Leaning closer, she listened closely.
"K-kyo-KYOYA!"
'That was Tamaki-sempai's voice. But why would he be crying out Kyoya-sempai's name like that?'
"Ohh…Ah…Tamaki! Please…"
'Okay…?'
"No! Stop! PLEASE!"
' 'Stop?' Stop, what?'
"I can't…"
'Can't stop, what?'
"Non! Please, Kyoya…It won't FITT!!! AH! WAIT!"
'What the…?'
"No way…I couldn't-wait-even-IF-I-wan…Fuck, Tamaki! Ah…It's so tight…Ah!"
'Kyoya-sempai!?! Cursing!?!'
"Oka-ow! Please! Ouch! Be careful!"
'They sound like…'
"I'll try…!"
'No way…'
"KYO! WAIT! GODS, MON AMI! STOP! AHHHH!"
'Hikaru and Karou said that Tamaki-sempai and Kyoya-sempai were together but…that's impossible!'
"TAMAKI!"
'There's no way in HELL that could be the case.'
"OH! OKA-CHAN! STOP! PLEASE!"
'Right…?'
" 'Chan?' You won't be saying that after I'm done with you! AH!"
'Oh God!'
"SAMA! OKA-SAMA! OH! OHHH!"
'I gotta get outta here!'
"I'll have you nice and big with all my nurturing…"
' 'Nurturing?' Is that what he's calling it!?! More like RAPE!'
"PLEASE! I-I-I'LL BE GOOD! I SWEAR!"
' 'He'll be good?' What the hell!?!"
"Is it good Tamaki…? Hum, Daddy? Do you like it like this?"
Tamaki just whimpered in response.
"Please…Mommy…Stop…I…I-I…ohhhh…."
'He sounds so defeated…What kind of a friend am I!?! Here I am LISTENING to him get raped! I'm going in!'
But as soon as she was about to charge in…
"Fine, Kyo! I'll eat your crazy pudding!"
'Pudding?'
"Finally…I thought I was going to have to force feed you…"
'Force feed?'
"AND WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS!?! POLIETLY ASKING!?!"
'What?'
"Yes…I would have been gentler though, had you not knocked over my hamster cage."
'HAMSTER CAGE!?!'
"You got them all back…"
"Yes, but my hand barely fit in the crack between the desk and the wall…."
'Oh…I get it! For some reason Kyoya-sempai wanted to force feed Tamaki-sempai some weird pudding and- who am I kidding? This makes no sense…That means…'
On that thought, Haruhi slammed open the doors of the music room, strolling in.
Seeing her two sempais half naked, Kyoya on top of Tamaki, she scowled.
"Did you guys think I was stupid? I mean, seriously, 'pudding'?" She said, making air quotes when she said 'pudding.'
Kyoya shot Tamaki a glare.
"What!" retorted the blonde, "I panicked!"
Kyoya sighed.
"Hey!" Continued the Frenchman, "Yours wasn't any better! 'Hamsters!' Please! As if you'd be able to stand hairy balls!"
Haruhi seemed pale, and Kyoya raised an eyebrow elegantly at the double meaning of Tamaki's words.
"That's exactly why I like you. Your balls are hairless…"He said, managing to sound bored.
Tamaki turned a lovely shade of scarlet and shouted, "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU KNOW IT!"
While Haruhi proceeded to faint.
"Hum…" Remarked Kyoya, "It seems it was too for her…"
Tamaki nodded sympathetically.
Turning back to his kiobito, Kyoya proceed with his previous ambitions before their 'darling daughter' interrupted them…
In the clock tower…
"Damn it!" Said Hikaru, moving away from the powerful telescope.
"Pay up!" Chimed Karou, extending his hand towards his twin.
Handing over that week's allowance, Hikaru asked, "How'd you know who'd be top?"
Karou responded, "A seme always knows…"
