Title: Who I am
Author: Aenigmatis
Feedback: Please, good or bad, I really don't care.
Distribution: Sure, just e-mail me the URL of your site.
Classification: Romance, Angst
Disclaimer: I don't own JAG. I don't claim to. I just borrowed the characters for awhile.
Rating: PG
E-mail: fallmark18@aol.com
Summary: Just some of Mac's rambling thoughts this season.
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~Who I am~
When people in the outside world look at me, they all see something different. They each see different people, different versions of myself when their gaze falls upon me.
Admiral Chegwidden sees his chief of staff and a model officer. Gunny sees a gung-ho, tough as nails Marine. Tiner sees an intimidating litigator. Lt. Singer sees a temporary obstacle on her "rocket to the top." Bud sees a mentor, to who he can turn when he needs advice. Harriet simply sees a friend. I have no idea how Harm sees me, he hides his feelings so well.
But I don't see any of those things when I look in the mirror. I see a woman with storm clouds rolling behind her eyes. A storm fueled by doubt, confusion, hurt, anger, and the stress the factors have laid upon my shoulders. What troubles could have caused me such harm you ask?
Harm. Indirectly I have gotten to the heart of my woes. It's kind of ironic that I use the word heart. Harm, without knowing it, can twist my heart and mind until they practically break. It's the little things he does that really get to me; the little things make me have the most fervent reactions. Whether it's his flyboy grin that makes me melt on the inside or his irritating cockiness that makes me want to kick his six, the little things have the most effect.
I don't know what I want from him anymore. I mean, I know I love him, but I'm not sure if I can take all of this anymore. These games we play are about to drive me over the edge. One minute he acts like he wants me more than the air he breathes, and the next minute it's like I'm the farthest thing from his mind. I'm just about to give up hope that we'll ever get it together and actually have a future, but then I see him and he flashes me one of those flyboy grins and I can't but daydream of us.
If we do take that next step, I don't see how it could not work out. The relationships, the ones that last, are mostly the ones that are rooted in friendship. I've always believed this and lots of other people do too, so how could we fail. We definitely have the best friend thing down, and occasionally have even dared to cross the line, but we always jump back to this side of the fence.
Well damn it, I want more. I want to go where neither of us has ever dared to go before, the last frontier, love. I want him to be the last thing I see before fall asleep at night and the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning. I want him to tell me he loves me everyday. And I want him to call me Sarah.
The End
