Pairing: John Shepard/ Kaidan Alenko
Summary: There is someone inside his head, the world is coming to an end, and Kaidan is standing on the edge of the galaxy, contemplating his choices. But when Shepard asks him for a favor, can he do it? Can he hear him over the static noises in his head? And if he did, would it change anything? Or would it be too late?
Chapter 1
After the Ardat-Yakshi Monastery Mission (in which Kaidan watches firsthand the transformation of an Ardat-Yakshi into a Banshee, 'really doges a bullet' and invites Shepard afterwards to lunch on the Citadel for a 'sanity check')
The important thing is to never look back; what's done is done; what's past is past; who's dead is dead. Mythologizing death is for artists and sheltered people who have either lost contact with the real world completely or are just too afraid to look at it and take it for what it is; Kaidan, of course, belonged to neither group. For one thing, his most artistic work was a biotic charge that lifted up three enemies at the same time and smashed them together mid-air; while he didn't deny that there were multitude ways to kill and some were more convenient than the others, his firm belief in principles did not allow him to ascribe aesthetic beauty to killing. It was just something he had to do and once he started getting a kick out of it, that was when he knew he had fallen off the deep end.
For another, Kaidan had been in constant touch with reality. It was perilous not to, considering the fact that he was in the Alliance, for a time had been in charge of a biotic division, and now served under the commander Shepard to stop the galactic annihilation. If you forget, even for just one second, where you stand and how you perceive the world, someone could die and their death would be on your hands.
No, Kaidan had no misconception about death. You lose friends, but you've learned how to move on. It's very much like your first kill; and the second, and the third and every other one after that. It never stops; it never gets easier; you won't forget. But you learn how to keep your head up and your steps strong; if you don't look down you won't get dizzy. If you don't look at the corpses at your feet you won't feel nauseous. It does not mean you lose your awareness of their presence; you can still smell the decaying flesh in the air and feel their lump crushed beneath your steps. But it helps you to keep your cool, to remain focused until you get the job done, to persevere until you either survive or die. And yet…
Kaidan sighed and rubbed his hand over the weary muscles of his face. There was always a yet. But what else could you expect from living in the world of dialectics?
"Don't get philosophical in bed, Kaidan. There is a time and place for that, you know, and this is not it."
And yet…
"If I thought it would change anything…"
He turned on his side and buried his face into the pillow; it didn't smell of anything in particular, and yet…
"Yeah."
