A/N To the best group of writers I've had the pleasure of knowing, thank you for your encouragement, friendship and inspiration.
Disclaimer: Not my standard posting. This is for Babes with an open mind only. I wrote this over a year ago. It is in raw form and something that just came to me and demanded to be written. It may offend some, but it is what it is. It took the encouragement from some great writers and friends to get me to post it here. It's a songfic, which I never considered doing but, again, it demanded my attention. There is no H.E.A. ending, so if that's what you're looking for, you might want to turn back now.
Making no money, not my characters, etc. etc. etc.
Bed of Roses
Sitting here wasted and wounded …
…Trying hard to capture the moment
This morning I don't know.
I stood at the kitchen sink looking out the window as the sun slowly made its way up over the horizon. Pictures of a curly-haired brunette with aquamarine eyes played through my mind like fast forward images from an old picture movie. A man who never drank to excess, forced to pay the price because of a mission, to play a role that didn't fit the man.
'Cause a bottle of vodka's
still lodged in my hand
And some blonde gave me nightmares
I think that she's still in my bed
As I dream about movies
They won't make of me when I'm dead
Keeping in mind my reason for being here, I look over my shoulder at the naked body spread across the mattress that had been thrown on the floor, no frame, no springs; blonde hair spread across the black sheets looking pale and anemic under the first wash of sunlight entering the room. Hands fisted at my sides, my guts twist and churn at what I'd done in the night in the name of duty. Feeling like I've cheated on the only woman who has ever mattered, the blonde's cloying perfume replacing Stephanie's beautiful scent; her harsh, paid-for beauty threatening to block out the perfect glow of Steph's skin. I hear her voice in my head, the last conversation we had before I left.
"I love you. Why can't you just take a chance and love me back?" I see your beautiful eyes shimmering with tears.
"I'd love to think it could work, Babe, but the truth is, I can't afford to need anyone. Needing someone, loving them, is just excess baggage, an emotional anchor I can't afford." How could I admit to you that all I really need is you, when I wouldn't even admit it to myself?
With an ironclad fist I wake up and
French kiss the morning
While some marching band keeps
Its own beat in my head
While we're talking
About all of the things that I long to believe
About love and the truth and
What you mean to me
And the truth is, baby, you're all that I need
I see you in my mind as I cross to you and lift you in my arms. I see your smile, soft and sweet as your arms circle my neck. I place you on my silk sheets that are no match for the silkiness of your skin. In my mind flashes the regret that I'm the type of man used to sleeping on dirt floors and in the jungle, the kind who doesn't think of covering those silk sheets with rose petals for you until it's too late. And I again remember why I don't deserve you.
I want to lay you down in a bed of roses
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails
Oh, I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses
Cursing myself as a fool, I open the cell phone lying in front of me on the counter, taunting me.
Well I'm so far away
That each step that I take's on my way home
A king's ransom in dimes I'd give each night
Just to see through this payphone
Still I run out of time
Or it's hard to get through
"The number you are calling is not in your service area. This number is not within your service area. Please hang up and try your call again."
The cell phone leaves my hand like a professional pitcher throwing a fastball, smashing into a million pieces like teardrops as it hits the wall.
Till the bird on the wire flies me back to you
I'll just close my eyes and whisper,
Baby blind love is true
I think of all the times you've opened your heart and your arms to me, all the times you've welcomed me back to you with no question of where I'd been or what I'd done while I was gone, and I know that God would never reward my sins with a gift as lovely as you. Still I picture the candles flickering and the sweet perfume of roses in the air as I cover your lovely body with mine.
I want to lay you down in a bed of roses
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses…
I hear rustling from the other room. Please forgive me, Babe.
…Now as you close your eyes
Know I'll be thinking about you
While my mistress she calls me
To stand in her spotlight again
I try not to flinch at the long sickly white arms come around me from behind. "Baby, come back to bed. I want you." I use all of my training and experience to block out my thoughts of you, pushing aside the vicious tear through my heart and gut at what I'm about to do.
Tonight I won't be alone
But you know that don't mean I'm not lonely.
I've got nothing to prove
For it's you that I'd die to defend
Reminding myself why I'm here, that this is the only way to get the information I need to find him, kill him and keep you safe, I make myself shut down. As I lower her to the bed, I close my eyes and count the hours 'til I'm back with you.
I want to lay you down in a bed of roses
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses
