Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate SG-1
A/N: This is my first story about Stargate SG-1, and save for the cameos here and in the final chapter, it won't have much to do with SG-1 or the show. I'm still saying it's AU though. It's meant to make fun of 'Aliens Made Them Do It' stories, which I heart but don't write.
Deep beneath the Cheyenne Mountain, there are levels upon levels of labs, offices, and training rooms where the people of Stargate Command or the SGC prepare for their numerous missions through the mysterious, ancient, alien Stargate. There are also rooms where the SG Teams prepare for their missions, shared between groups, it is in these 'ready rooms' that the true connection of the SG personnel occurs. One particular ready room at the SGC has a very unusual feature in a military base; home to the nine original Stargate Teams, the room is decorated with nine large white boards labeled SG-1 through SG-9, each with a chart indicating just how often the various teams and their members had experienced certain common phenomena including injuries, alien rituals and marriage.
It should be noted that SG-1 had the record on most occasions, and won others on the fact that 'they had Teal'c'. Captain Eugene Kellerman was about to change that. He looked at his second, Derrick Trawick, who nodded. Kellerman stepped onto a bench and whistled loudly.
"What?" Colonel O'Neil snapped from where he was checking his team's gear.
"I want everyone to meet Sergeant Tremaine Carson of SG-8. Trawick, Aguilar, help Carson up."
"Yes sir," Trawick said, he seized Carson's arm, and Aguilar grabbed the other and hoisted the struggling man onto a bench.
"Now, Carson has been a part of SG-8 for a year. He's a good man and a damn fine Marine. Today, however, we are here to recognize Carson for a record. Carson has been on three hundred missions through the Stargate. He has been wounded, he has been on rescue missions, he's been a prisoner, and he's even had to be resuscitated. There are, however, two other occurrences that I would like to draw attention to. The first is Alien Sex Rituals; you will note that his numbers are low. Even compared with SG-5"
"Hey!" Four voices called over the laughter.
"Hay is for horses," Kellerman replied. "Now, the big thing here is that Carson is still single. He has managed to avoid marrying any of the priestesses, princesses or even one of us. As there isn't a one of you that can make that claim, I nominate Tremain Carson for the SGC's Most Eligible Bachelor award"
Shouts and laughter filled the room as Trawick and Aguilar held Carson on the bench. General O'Neill whistled, as soon as silence fell, he called "Second. All in favor?"
The other SG team leaders shouted, "Aye," in unison.
"All right," O'Neill said, "Tramain Carson, you are officially the SGC's most eligible bachelor. We'll get you a t-shirt."
Carson broke free of his teammates, grabbed his tac-vest and vanished into the armory, clearly embarrassed even if he was too dark skinned to blush.
"Is he ok?" Captain Carter asked.
"He's a little shy," Kellerman replied, "it is part of the reason for his numbers. We keep trying to get him to say he doesn't want or like something. His brother said it was a long shot, but we needed to do something."
"Why?" Carter asked.
"Because I don't want to lose him the next time he goes into anaphylactic shock because he didn't ask if there was fungus in the ceremonial food." Kellerman snapped. "One cardiac arrest in a lifetime is enough, and even with EpiPens, the wheezing can be pretty scary."
"Fungus?" O'Neill asked.
"He has allergies," Kellerman replied, holding his annoyance visibly in check.
"Does Tremain know you why you're doing this?" Carter asked.
"Yes, we tell him all the time." He saluted, "Colonel, my apologies, but my team has a date with a wormhole." He grabbed his tac-vest and followed Tremain into the armory, Aguilar and Trawick following him with only a single backwards glance.
