Many thanks to all of my wonderful readers. Happy Holidays to you and best wishes for a glorious 2012! Cheers!
December 14, 1977.
Barnaby Brooks Jr. took one look at his pale-faced partner walking slowly into the office and remarked, "Hung over again? Must be a day that ends in a Y."
Kotetsu T. Kaburagi had two modes in the morning: Highly Exuberant, where he shouted "Good morning!" to everyone within earshot (often receiving disinterested grunts in return), and Walking Dead, where he didn't have the strength to lift his head as he shuffled to his work station. This morning appeared to be the latter. The Hero collapsed into his chair and promptly laid across his desk, his head resting on folded arms. "'m not hung over . . . 'm sick," he said, his words muffled.
Barnaby promptly pushed his own chair back to the furthest limit of his work area. "Why on earth did you come into work?" he cried, reaching for the Purell bottle and brandishing it like a cross against a vampire.
"Cause a Hero-" Kotetsu grabbed a Kleenex from the box on his desk and sneezed into it. "Never takes a sick day-" He blew his nose like a trumpet. "So long as people-" He started coughing. "Need help-" He finished the speech by hawking up some phlegm and spitting it into the tissue.
Barnaby, already pallid, looked almost gray from what he'd just witnessed. Their two desks were pressed against each other without so much as a partition between them. He could almost see the countless legions of germs jumping across the quarter-inch seam between their work stations and invading his sterile territory. "Go home."
"Nuh-uh. Can't make me."
Getting up from his desk, Barnaby began marching towards the corridor to freedom. "Well, I'm not going to work with you-"
"The minute you're outta sight, I'm gonna lick something on your desk," Kotetsu called after him.
Barnaby whirled, eyes bulging from behind his glasses. "You-you wouldn't dare! Why would you do something like that?"
"Cause we're partners. We're supposed to support each other. Even when one of us is sick." Kotetsu looked almost to tears at the prospect of being abandoned.
"I'm not your mother!"
Kotetsu sniffed forlornly. Whether he was in snorting back snot or tears Barnaby didn't know, and he wasn't going any closer to check. He felt trapped and didn't like it. On one side of him was freedom, and on the other was the prospect of a thorough decontamination of his work space. Because Kotetsu would make good on his threat. There was absolutely no doubt about that.
Mercifully, it was Lloyds who broke the stalemate. The door to his office opened and he poked his head out. "Barnaby, Kotetsu, please come into my office."
In his mind, Barnaby was already preparing a filibuster on the merits of sending his partner home. Kotetsu followed along like a beaten dog, wondering what he'd done wrong this time.
When they walked up to their boss's desk, Lloyds handed them each a Manila envelope. Barnaby looked at it in confusion and then ripped the seal to peer inside. Kotetsu knew what it was immediately and dropped it back on the desk as if he'd been burnt.
"'First draft script of the HeroTV Christmas Eve special'," Barnaby was reading the header. The entire thing was about fifty pages thick. He looked at his boss in confusion.
"No, no, no," Kotetsu was mumbling. "I haven't had to do this thing the last three years. I do the patrol so the others can ham it up for the camera. That's the arrangement."
"That was the arrangement you had with TopMag," Lloyds said. "This year your obligation is to work with your partner and the rest of the Heroes."
"So who got the patrol duty?"
"Fire Emblem. Kronos Foods has placed a restraining order on him in favour of their Hero Rock Bison, citing some sort of sexual harassment. Until the matter is resolved, the two can't be within one hundred feet of one another."
"Great," Kotetsu snatched the envelope and flopped down into one of the nearby loveseats in defeat, reading through it and grumbling under his breath.
"This is all new to me," Barnaby said, staring at Lloyds. "I'd appreciate some more information."
"It's a one hour live event that runs on Christmas Eve. We film it on location in Central Park near the big pond. There's skating, a snowball fight, talks around a campfire, and singing-" When he said that, Kotetsu released a sickly moan from his seat. Lloyds pretended not to notice. "In general, it's a saccharine, schmaltzy display of solidarity against all the Heroes who normally act as rivals all other times of the year. The public eats it right up."
Barnaby sat down opposite Kotetsu and read through his own packet. There was something Lloyds had said that unnerved him and he found it ten pages in. "I have to skate?"
"It's easy. I'll teach you," Kotetsu responded. The pages of his script were scattered across his lap, the coffee table, and all over the loveseat.
"You. Teach me," Barnaby said coolly.
"My wife figure skated and my kid is in the Junior Nationals. I know a few moves-" he sneezed into his hand and then wiped it on his pants. Barnaby was starting to turn a little green at the sight.
It was the first time that Lloyds noticed Kotetsu's current state. "Mr. Kaburagi, are you sick?"
"Yeah . . ." Realization dawned on Kotetsu's face and he looked hopefully over at his boss. "Does that mean-"
"No, you're not excused. The airing of the special doesn't take place for ten days. I should think you'll be in better health by then."
Barnaby still looked squeamish. "He might be, but what if he infects the rest of us?"
Lloyds looked at him and sighed. "He stays. As troublesome as he is, he'll add some much needed comic relief to the show."
"You do know I'm sitting right here?" Kotetsu said peevishly, adding a wave.
"Ratings have been comparatively low for the show for the last two years. I reviewed the tape the last time Wild Tiger was featured in the special-"
"Helloooo?"
"-And to say he added a degree of unpredictable levity is an understatement. Between the pair of you, I'm expecting great things," Lloyds said smugly. "First rehearsal is at one o'clock sharp on location."
"Today?" The pair squawked.
"Today and every day at the same time right up to the night of the broadcast. It's a live event so it needs to be perfect."
"Hey, how come everybody's got lines but me?" Kotetsu piped up.
"Because you can't act. It'll be best if you ad-libbed, so just be yourself." Lloyds fixed him with a hard look and added, "Within reason."
Kotetsu stared innocently back, as if he didn't have clue what his boss might be implying.
By contrast, Barnaby's script was enormous. He was opening the show, hosting the token Mayoral visit, singing a duet with Blue Rose, encouraging the other Heroes to tell their personal Christmas memories around a fire pit, participating in a snowball fight, and leading everyone at the end of the episode in a candlelight skate while they all sang 'Silent Night'. In other words, all things he would never ever consider doing under normal circumstances. "Old man, I'll sign my Porsche over to you if we switch scripts," he said in quiet desperation.
"Huh?"
"No switching," Lloyds said. "Everyone is locked into their roles. For now, the two of you can go out on patrol early so that you can spend the afternoon on set. Go get suited up."
For the next four hours there was little conversation between the pair as they drove around the city, more for the sake of maintaining their visibility to the public and any actual crime fighting. On Barnaby's end, he was silently fretting over the special, more importantly the prospect of having to skate. The last time he had laced on a pair he had been four and his parents had been murdered later that evening. He hadn't touched the cursed things since.
Lounging in the sidecar, Kotetsu was distracted by trying not to hang over the side to vomit. Or do anything else. He was discovering a functional liability of his armored suit that was in direct contrast to the old costume he used to wear. The damned thing wouldn't let him easily drop trou when diarrhea cramps hit.
"Seriously, Bunny. Just pull over at the next drug store. I'll go in and buy them myself. At this point I don't even care how embarrassing it is," he pleaded.
It was the third desperate request and Barnaby finally activated his comlink to get a hold of Saito, their engineer. "For the last time, no! I'm not going to drive around town with a man wearing an adult diaper under his costume!"
Within a half hour, Saito was following along with the transport and its portable bathroom. Tiger took full advantage of the convenience on several occasions during the rest of their patrol.
Neither of them were in much better spirits when they arrived at the shoot location. This area of the park had been cordoned off and, all ready, there were curious onlookers being held back by security. As word continued to spread of the Heroes rehearsals, this place would soon become an absolute madhouse. The prospect of performing in front of his adoring fans made Barnaby's gut clench. If there was anything the blond hated more, it was possibly embarrassing himself in public (unlike Tiger, who had refined it into an art form).
Kotetsu wandered over to where his best friend Rock Bison was reading his script. The huge Hero couldn't remove his helmet without revealing his identity to the crowd, but he had his face plate open. "Couldn't weasel out of this one, huh?" he remarked with a smile.
"Nope," Tiger said and coughed.
Antonio immediately took one step to his right, trying not to be too obvious about it. ". . . You sick?"
"What was your first clue?" Kotetsu said, raising his helmet's visor. Bison immediately recoiled away from him, retching.
The entire area beneath Kotetsu's nose was a mask of light green snot clear down to his chin. He wiggled his fingers with distaste. "These damned reinforced gloves make it impossible for me to blow my nose."
"Agh! Go get cleaned up before the others get here!" Bison cried, shielding his eyes.
"Pussy," Tiger muttered and returned to the transport for about the tenth time in less than two hours.
Cain Morris was the director on set (to everyone's immeasurable relief) while Agnes Joubert stayed back at the OBC Network building. He was a genuinely easygoing sort who didn't resort to threats or intimidation to get the job done and his patience seemingly had no limits. As the Heroes fumbled through their first dry run, he mostly sat back in his chair and laughed his ass off. Particularly when the heroes did their first skate.
All of the engineers on site had added the skate retrofit to their Hero's footwear and it took time in practice for them to adapt to the change to their costumes. Blue Rose, the true Ice Princess, had no such difficulties and was skimming along the surface with perfect grace, executing a flawless layback spin and finishing it with a hairsplitter. She was taking direction from the on-set choreographer who was out on the ice with them. Dragon Kid was enjoying herself almost as much as Karina. Origami Cyclone had traded in his ridiculously high Geta sandals for the skates, so his balance actually improved as he did a few practice laps. When Rock Bison walked onto the surface the ice produced a brittle crack that made everyone's head turn in alarm. The heavily armored Hero immediately fell on his back, struggling like a turtle, until Kotetsu skated over to help him back up.
"Thanks buddy," Tony said, awkwardly testing his balance and attempting a few slides, wobbling.
"No prob," Kotetsu said, skating backwards a short distance, performing a bracket turn, and attempted a half-assed single lutz. He failed to check the rotation on his landing and almost ran into Blue Rose, who caught his shoulder and steadied him before he fell.
"Where did you learn to skate like that?" she asked, surprised. She figured if anyone would be scooting around the ice on his ass, it would be Tiger.
"From my wife," he said, wiping his face with the towel around his neck. He'd removed his helmet and was perspiring freely, his hair hanging in limp strings. "She thought if she could teach me some moves it might help with my balance and coordination. It worked, but only on the ice I guess," he laughed and broke off coughing instead.
"You look like crap," she observed with her usual bluntness. She powered away from him, executed a perfect salchow with a deep lunge at the end, and came back to circle around him.
"Feel like it," he responded. He tried a crossed chasse with a step sequence, stumbled, and managed to save himself a nasty fall with a sloppy rocker turn. "Man, I'm rusty."
"Still, you're better than the other guys. Especially him," she nodded over to where Barnaby was still standing on the sidelines, staring at the ice as if it were full of sharks.
Kotetsu skated over, coming to a quick hockey stop in front of him and spraying shaved ice across his legs. Barnaby glared daggers at him.
"C'mon Bunny. Baby steps," he said with a smile, holding out a hand.
Barnaby looked at the proffered appendage with distaste. He pulled a bottle of disinfectant out of a hidden pocket and sprayed Tiger's hand before taking it and stepping gingerly out on the ice. "I skated as a child. It should come back to me quickly."
"That was three feet and a hundred and twenty pounds ago," Kotetsu said, pulling him slowly out on the ice.
Barnaby looked at him sharply. "One hundred and twenty?"
". . . One thirty?"
"How heavy do you think I am?" Barnaby cried and almost fell.
"Well, I'm one sixty and you're an inch taller than me and your ass is bigger-" Barnaby was beginning to turn purple while his partner rambled on; "And you've got hips like a woman, I guess it must be from all that kicking you do, and-"
"For heaven's sake! I'm only a hundred and fifty-eight pounds!" Barnaby snapped, pushing him back. His feet immediately went out from underneath of them.
Tiger didn't catch him because he was speed skating across the ice in a mad sprint to get back to the transport and its bathroom.
"Thanks a lot!" Barnaby shouted after him, struggling to get back up. He was subtly deposited to his feet by a gentle gust of wind.
"Are you uninjured?" Sky High politely inquired.
"I'm fine," Barnaby muttered, sparing a veiled glance over to where the people were watching. And laughing. He ducked his head in shame.
"All right! That's good to hear," the aerial Hero said and swept off across the ice, flawlessly executing a toe loop that led into a heart-stopping quadruple jump as if he had performed on ice all of his life. It wasn't until Barnaby looked closer that he realized Sky High's skates weren't even touching the surface. "You're using your powers! That's not fair!"
Executing a nifty salute (that Barnaby suspected was sarcastic) the flyer used his wind powers to execute a swift spin and until he was a blur to the eye and then broke it off with a high stag leap and went off across the ice like a shot. The throng by the barricade applauded and cheered while Barnaby silently seethed.
From there, they rehearsed the first fire pit chat. As the Heroes awkwardly reviewed their scripts, Cain and the set director, a man named Donald, watched on and added their own critiques.
"This is going to be aired Primetime so the darkness will add to the mood," Cain said in a low voice. "Blue Rose with add some real snowflakes, too."
"It's still missing something," Donald remarked. "You want some soft audio playing carols in the background?"
"No, Agnes wants this to be as natural as possible."
"Blue Rose plays the piano, right? How about-"
"Somehow a Steinway piano around the fire doesn't seem quite right." His bushy eyebrows lifted and he turned to the group. "Hey, do any of you guys know how to play a guitar?"
"I know the cello," Barnaby supplied helpfully. Nobody looked particularly surprised.
"Tiger plays the guitar," Bison said.
"Huh?" Kotetsu mumbled, looking up from where he was seated. He was getting quietly toasted off a bottle of NyQuil that was about half empty and he was barely able to keep his eyes open.
"He can?" Blue Rose piped up with interest.
"He any good?" Was Cain's next question. It wouldn't be any good if Tiger could only pluck 'Happy Birthday'.
"Yeah, he can play just about anything," Antonio remarked. "It's a pretty guitar, too. It's blue."
"It's a Celebrity CC44 Acoustic-electric mid-depth Ovation guitar*," Kotetsu spoke up, getting peeved how everyone seemed to have adopted Lloyds' practice of talking about him as if he wasn't there. "And yeah, it's blue."
First the skating and now this? Blue Rose was looking at Tiger as if aliens had performed some miraculous body switch.
"Bring it to rehearsal tomorrow," Cain told him and then they moved on to the next scene. It was the duet between Blue Rose, playing the piano, and Barnaby and they rehearsed "Winter Wonderland". It was an almost flawless first take, but neither Cain or Annette, the music supervisor, were satisfied.
"They have absolutely no chemistry together," the woman remarked with disappointment. "None at all."
"Well, they are rivals," was all that Cain could say.
"That has to be shelved for the show and we both know it. Try it again!" she called over to the pair.
"Again?" Barnaby muttered under his breath. He glared at the young woman sitting at the piano. "Try to get your lines straight this time."
"Stop trying to look prettier than me," she hissed back.
"Bitch."
"Asshole."
"And-a one, a-two, three," the Music Supervisor called out. "Go!"
The two Heroes went through it again but there might as well have been a wall between them as they simply focused on their individual lyrics and deliberately avoided eye contact throughout the number. Annette was shaking her head when it was over and Cain suggested, "How about if we try it with the other male Heroes and see if something clicks?"
She looked uneasy. "I don't know. Ms. Joubert made it pretty clear that she wanted it between those two since they're the most popular."
"Doesn't mean much of all they do is glare at each other," Cain said and turned to where the other Heroes were gathered. "Sky High! Come on over here. Let's try a take."
As things turned out, Keith had a perfect baritone for singing but the fact that he had to do it through his ugly helmet was problematic, and it didn't help that he couldn't remember even the simplest of carols. When he faltered on 'Jingle Bells' for the third time in a row, he was replaced by Ivan. The young man had a sweet tenor that blended nicely with Karina's flawless soprano, but his costume wasn't exactly holiday themed. He also had the tendency to make peculiar, awkward movements throughout their rendition of 'The First Noel'. Rock Bison's puke-green armor was a definite turn-off and the Hispanic was completely tone-deaf. They never even got through 'O Christmas Tree' before Annette was screaming at him to Please for the love of God stop!
When it finally came around to Kotetsu, he was fast asleep. Barnaby roughly nudged him awake. "Your turn, old man."
"Uhm? Oh." He blinked, got slowly to his feet and soldiered on over to the piano. He passed Karina a weary nod and shuffled through the choir sheet. "What d'you want us to sing?"
Cain noticed how Karina looked interested for the first time since these choir rehearsals started and thought "Bingo!" in his mind. He conversed briefly with Annette and they decided on "Baby It's Cold Outside" for the duo. It was a perfect choice. The neon green highlights of Tiger's armor added to the spirit of the season and Kotetsu had his helmet off, relying on that domino mask to keep his identity hidden. He wasn't in Barnaby's over-the-top metrosexual league of attractiveness, but he had a rugged appeal his partner couldn't match and his dark skin tone complemented Blue Rose's pale complexion perfectly. Because he was sick, his voice was rough and it cracked on several occasions, but he was still in tune and at least managed to nail his lines. Another bonus was Karina's clear excitement performing with him. As they were nearing the end of the song, they were looking into each other's eyes with some kind of peculiar chemistry-
-and then Tiger leaned over the piano and threw up.
"Uh, he should be okay by Christmas Eve," Cain told Annette, grimacing.
Things progressed relatively smoothly until the snowball fight rehearsal, and that was when Cain detected some potential for real trouble. For one thing, Barnaby didn't appear to know what to do. He would grip a fistful of snow and toss it apathetically into the air. When Sky High accidently nailed him in the face, the blond walked off the set in a sulk, snow dripping off of his glasses. Origami wanted to play but he hesitated singling anyone out, scared he might make someone mad. Blue Rose and Dragon Kid were having fun but the younger girl quickly chilled and burst into tears when snow went down the back of her costume. Kotetsu had chosen to bow out of this practice, too sick to participate, until Rock Bison nailed him in the back of the head with a snowball the size of a watermelon. It knocked Tiger completely off of his feet and when he looked around, it was clear he was furious. He tackled Antonio and the two began brawling across the set. It took the rest of the Heroes to finally pull them apart.
The gathering crowd, thinking this was all part of the show, cheered wildly.
"Alright!" Cain shouted. "That's enough for today! I'll see you all tomorrow at one o'clock." By this point it was almost seven p.m. and he still had to go over all the changes with Donald and Annette and rest of the production staff, and then send out the revised scripts to the Heroes' companies first thing in the morning. It was going to be a long night.
Tiger wasn't in much better health the next day and neither were Barnaby's spirits. In the script revision the only thing he was pleased to see that he was now doing a solo song "Blue Christmas" so that his partner could do the duet with Karina. When they arrived on set, the biggest changes had been made to Antonio, Keith, and Ivan's costumes. The director of photography, Adam, had almost had a stroke when he viewed the test footage and demanded the outfits be scaled down for the show, the helmets removed. "Either that, or you include a scene where we hang tinsel and ornaments on Bison because he looks like a big-assed tree!" he shouted. Cain relented and changes were made.
Poor Kotetsu had thought he was hallucinating the first time he caught sight of Antonio's changeover. The huge drillbits on Bison's shoulders had been removed and when he turned to look at Tiger, it was without his helmet. Kotetsu caught sight of styled jet-black hair and large sunglasses and thought he was seeing the Terminator live and in person. It didn't help when Keith came up alongside him wearing an auburn wig and a cheesy moustache. And Ivan, well, he didn't look like Ivan at all. He had changed his appearance to look Asian. With bright blond hair. That was probably the worst of the lot. Kotetsu looked at the near-empty bottle of DayQuil in his hand, pitched it over his shoulder, and spent most of that day quietly resting in the transport.
The rest of the week had their shares of ups and down. Twice they were interrupted by NEXT criminals who tried to take advantage of the distracted Heroes by attempting some rather fantastic crime sprees. On those occasions, the rehearsals went on late into the night and, as expected, nerves were getting raw from the stress. Barnaby had to take private lessons from the choreographer just so that he could move naturally during the skating scene and not look as if he had rigor mortis. With the woman's patient instructions, Barnaby graduated to something that almost passed for human. Sky High had something of breakdown during a fire scene practise when he lamented that this special was depriving him quality time with his beloved dog. The next day they had John, the Hero's golden retriever, frolicking around the set and piddling against every leg he found. Blue Rose practically had a fit when she slipped on some of the dog's leavings and fell head first into Bison's crotch (he didn't complain much). Dragon Kid was in the throes of puberty and she freaked out with each new pimple she saw in the mirror. Only the magic of the on-set make-up artist managed to calm her down.
Among them all, Cain was most worried about Kotetsu. The Hero's flu had turned into a nasty cold and his usual manic energy level was practically non-existent. A lot was riding on Tiger to lighten the mood and keep the rest of the Heroes rallied and motivated but so far he seemed to be stuck in neutral. Viewers were already showing interest in previews of the event and Cain figured Wild Tiger's involvement this year was one of the reasons. He wasn't a high ranking Hero, but people liked to watch him because they were never quite sure just what shit he was going to get into. Cain could only pray he'd pull out of his slump come show-time.
The day before the special was set to air, it seemed that Barnaby's concern that first day in Lloyds' office was justified: Some of the other Heroes were starting to exhibit symptoms of the illness that had sidelined Tiger. Cain was hoping desperately that it was just exhaustion and, despite his better judgement, let all of the Heroes rest on Christmas Eve until late afternoon for the final run-through. He wasn't a religious man but he was actually praying that things would work out and he'd have a flawless broadcast to add to his resume.
God wasn't listening. As things turned out, He appeared to have one sick, twisted sense of humor.
*Judging by the picture on the "Tiger & Bunny Character Song CD", this appears to be the model guitar that was used for the artwork.
