Sex Therapy in the Dungeons
by
BloodyBrilliantRuthie
Summary: Severus experiences Erectile Dysfunction. Hermione is a Sex Therapist. Will she be able to cure him?
Disclaimer: Belongs to JKR and everyone she chooses to share it with. I'm not one of them, but I promise to dust them off when I'm done and give them back smelling sweet.
A/N: Sex Therapy in the Dungeons is filled with an awesome plot and will therefore, be more than fluff. It is filled with humor, drama, angst, and definately lust. It is completed in 15 chapters. I hope you enjoy. I am currently working on the sequel, entitled: Marriage Therapy and I will begin posting here if I notice an interest. Please let me know if that is something you would like.
CHAPTER ONE: What Happened to IT?
"Fuck, fuck, fuck." Frustration reverberated in his voice.
"Yes, Severus, yes, fuck me! I can't wait anymore," she demanded into the pillow while he moved behind her.
He'd only known this bitch for a little over two hours, and here she was telling him what to do, like she was his Lord. Looking at her rear end, he contemplated shoving his semi-flaccid penis into her or climbing off and putting his pants back on. No, he decided. He needed a shag and this bitch was way too eager; coming on to him like a dog in heat. She wanted IT, and she told him so and then grabbed him, showing him in no uncertain terms what IT was that she wanted.
"Witch, just shut up and let me work!" He slapped her rear as a way to get even with the chit for being so presumptuous, while hiding behind its kinkiness.
"Severus, I need you in me now. I want to feel you moving inside me…I want you to pump me hard and fast." She panted her demands, hoping her forceful erotic statements were adding to the pleasure she thought he was building up for her. Her brain was foggy in anticipation of what this man would do to her. He was a war hero, after all, and she wanted his seed as her prize for catching this celebrity.
He decided that regardless of her insolent behavior, he was going to take her. But IT wasn't responding to her. IT hadn't been responding much lately, but he'd had no relationship experiences since IT decided to retire. It had only been him and IT when he realized that his usual morning greeting hadn't, in fact, greeted him in a while.
He reached around and grabbed her breast in his continuing effort to find some part of this erotic enough to get blood rushing to IT. Positioning himself closer to her entrance, he grabbed IT with his other hand and began to masturbate against her moisture, and…nothing. Desperate for a reaction, he began shaking IT, and…nothing. He smelled her arousal, and while under normal circumstances this would've driven him wild, he was sickened. She wasn't doing it for him or for IT.
"Severus, what are you doing back there?" Her attitude was commanding.
"I've only had one Dark Lord, madam, and I killed him. I don't plan on submitting to another one."
"Oh, Severus my dear, come, honey, let me take care of that," she said as she noticed his now fully limp cock.
"I assure you, madam, that I function normally as a proper man should. It is you who fails to arouse me. And I refuse to continue to allow myself to submit to your incompetent ministrations. You are embarrassing yourself by attempting to arouse me with your bungling."
Severus had never seen someone dress so rapidly before. 'At least she could do that right,' he thought to himself. She ran from the room with sobs escaping, tears flowing, and without a single glance back to him. Severus knew he'd been overly harsh. The witch should've aroused him, but IT didn't want her. The chit, it was her fault. She should've been more appealing.
He sat in the room he let above The Leaky Cauldron in Diagon Alley. Calling the house-elf, he demanded Firewhiskey, which the poor sod quickly provided. 'Good,' Severus thought, 'another person I intimidated tonight. That's two for two; I'm doing pretty well for myself.'
Downing his two fingers of the amber fire, he poured himself another two fingers and sat back to think of what he could've done to make IT work with the witch.
He didn't care for her. He'd just met her at the bar when she'd brazenly come on to him. He'd done what any unattached wizard would have done; he'd let the room immediately from Tom and taken her to bed. She'd wanted him. He had wanted her until he'd realized that IT was not responding.
Recalling how desperate she'd been for release, he rethought his strategy with the witch, thinking that maybe he should've finger fucked her and given her the release she desperately sought. But he would not pleasure her if IT wasn't going to get any satisfaction from her body. He didn't even care for the chit.
"Ah, bugger it, I don't give a shite!"
The bitch. She was too domineering. "No one dominates Severus Snape." He took IT in his hands and closed his eyes, enjoying his own practiced attentions. Rubbing his thumb along the tip and spreading his pre-cum, he knew IT was not dead, but yet something was wrong. IT was not the size it should be. It took longer for him to become erect, and once so, the skin was less taut around his penis than his memory served. As he continued to rub himself while he contemplated the events unfolding, he began to lose the erection he had gained.
As the frustration built in him, he reached out for the whiskey and threw the bottle across the room and, with a satisfied crash against the far wall, he returned IT to his pants.
'I'm only 46 years old and way too young to be losing my fuckability.' And with that last thought, he downed the last of the whiskey that remained in his glass, pulled on his cloak, and left the room, heading back to his dungeons at Hogwarts.
The next morning, in the Great Hall, he remained fixated on his personal situation. Serving himself steak and eggs, he recalled how in his youth, while still infatuated by the Dark Lord's promises, he had thoroughly enjoyed a number of sex raids and had considered himself quite the sex god. He was good, and back then, IT was good to him too.
'Maybe,' he thought, 'all I need is another sex raid to get my blood flowing again.'
He was startled out of his nostalgia to focus on a cackling Minerva McGonagall, who was sitting in her usual Headmistress spot in the center of the staff table to his left. She had her Daily Prophet opened, and her screeching was in response to something she had read. To Severus, she didn't look upset, so at least he wasn't going to be subjected to a lengthy discussion on the toils of this world. She was so thick sometimes.
"Have you all looked in today's paper?" she smugly asked the staff who were in attendance at breakfast.
Many staff members had had their own copies of the Daily Prophet already delivered by Owl earlier, including Severus. But he had yet to crack open his copy, and though the others had, none of them were aware of what she'd found that was so exciting.
"It's Hermione's ad!" she cried out. "Oh come on, everyone, Hermione Granger, the most brilliant witch of the age, from MY house," she added while looking at Severus in continuation of their house rivalries; she wanted to shove this one back in his face. "She has returned to England and has opened up her own practice!"
"What page are you looking at, Minerva?" Remus asked with a broad grin on his face while working desperately to find this ad that Minerva was referring to.
"Oh please, Minerva, you must gain control of yourself," Severus purred, ready to pounce his attitude onto his boss. "Hermione may have been a brilliant student, but to continue to boast is so unbecoming. She hasn't been your student in 10 years; surely you can try to find some worth in your current litter of measly lions."
"Severus, would you please stop being an arse for one moment this morning, and allow an old lady to enjoy the success of a former student?"
"Minerva, what page?" Remus asked again. "And what business is she opening?"
"Um, page 16, on the lower right hand corner. She is a therapist, if memory serves. Ah yes, let me read her ad to everyone."
HERMIONE GRANGER, Ph.D.
Marriage and Family Therapist
Sex Counselor Regain Control of Your Sex Life!
Counseling to explore sexual desires
Get to the root of sexual problems
STRICT CONFIDENTIALITY
Floo "Granger Practice" in London
"What in Merlin's name was that girl doing in America?" Minerva whispered, seemingly unable to believe what she has just read.
"It looks like she's been studying sex; she could've stayed in Britain for that! It's the oldest profession in the world!" Hooch continued with a gleam in her eyes. "Those Americans. What will they come up with next?"
Minerva looked at the woman's wicked smile. "Don't you dare say another word, you foul woman! This girl is a Therapist," she said, placing emphasis on therapist instead of focusing on the sex part of her profession. "She has been away for 10 years studying…"
"And apparently practicing, too!" Remus interjected with a sinful smirk.
"Of all the nerve. I have every right to… yes that's it! I will bring Hermione here to show us what she has learned…" Blushing beet red, Minerva quickly rephrased her statement. "I mean, to tell us about her work as a Therapist." She again placed emphasis on her preferred generalized title for Hermione.
After a moment, Minerva realized that she hadn't had to battle wits with Severus regarding this unfortunate update on her favorite pupil of all time. She turned toward him to prepare for battle, but she realized he had gone, left his plate full of untouched breakfast and his chair carelessly left out. She also noticed his copy of The Daily Prophet was nowhere to be seen.
Like her predecessor, her eyes twinkled, and she felt a sudden urge for a lemon drop.
To be continued...
