"Harry, You Suck at Kissing Girls."

Harry (a.k.a. Scar-Boy) sat puzzled with confusion at his potions desk. You, as the readers, must question if it was his mental issues that were bothering him or the mere fact that he refuses to admit that he is gay with Ron and is using Hermione as a side fling. But just then, a sweeping black cape brushed his hair. He knew whom it was but looked up nevertheless. To his dismay, Severus Snape, the potions headmaster (a.k.a. the dark assassin/greasy git), was peering over him uneasily, as though he was to vomit at the very sight of Harry and Ron (a.k.a. Weaslebee).

"Eeh, Harry? What do you think got his panties in a bunch?"

"Erm, I don't know Ron, maybe your mouth! Do you realize that Snape is standing right by us? Not but two inches away!"

The dear potions master peered harder at them. He found it absolutely hilarious that they believed that he wasn't hearing this.

"You two argue like an old married couple. Detention for both of you and … fifty points from Gryffindor."

Ron pulled his hand from his pocket and put a single finger up in the air behind the potions master's back, but we all know he wasn't pinky swearing.

He turned his heel to walk away but didn't leave the two without a final word, "Mr. Weasley, may I remind you not to point unfriendly fingers at your superiors? In addition, you have no excuse for talking about my panties. Another fifty points from Gryffindor for your vulgarity."

He finally strode away with his cape billowing at the back of him. Slightly like a dark cloud, it seemed to forewarn all but our three heroes that something was wrong.

Suddenly, Hermione (a.k.a. The Trio Whore) came to the rescue with her intellect and unwanted wisdom. She automatically flung to dear Scar-Boy's side and clutched his hand as if holding him from death.

"Are you alright, Harry? That man is so dreadful. But remember, he is our teacher and we should respect him because he has higher authority over us." she said hastily and slowly lost breath nearing the end.

"I'm fine, Hermione. I shall live to see the day that Snape runs away after killing Dumbledore and I shall duel him and lose…" He said, his face looking to the ceiling as though he was recollecting some future memory.

"But Harry, he could kill you!"

"Not today, not tomorrow, and not ever!" he bellowed gloriously.

A small round ball fell from the gaping hole in the ceiling that seemed to appear out of thin ceiling material. Of course, where else would the ball land but on Harry's tragic head. A moment later, he collapsed with a horrid pain that seemed to be literally splitting his head in two. His hair stood on ends and he scrambled as though as in a curse. He laid in the soaked blood from his dearly cracked skull. It is believed that he was in a coma at this time. Draco stood on the desk for a better look.

"Aww… Potter's head is splitting. LET'S KICK HIM!!" screamed Draco raising his fist in the air.

And that was the day, dear Harry Potter died.

--

Wait, forget that part, our hero can't die in the beginning of our story. Alright where was I? Oh yes, … Ehem.

--

Harry's scar burned and he swore for death but none did him part. He laid there tormented by the evil known as, Voldemort (a.k.a. Voldy). And suddenly, Hermione pulled out a potion, obviously from nowhere. I mean who carries around remedy potions?

"Ron, open his mouth!" Hermione screamed.

"How?" Ron questioned unsure.

"I don't know, somehow!"

Ron pulled Harry's mouth to his and ate his face. Hermione paused for a second, fascinated at this display of emotion and suddenly started to cry, realizing that no one loved her like that, and that she wished that Ron would have done that to her if she was dying, of course, in front of all her enemies. But she shook her head and came back to reality.

"RON! No! I meant open his mouth so I can slip the potion in."

"Oh! Why didn't you say so?"

"But I did say so." said Hermione triumphant, feeling as though she had beaten Ron at something.

Ron parted dear Harry's luscious lips and Hermione poured the potion down his throat. As though it was a dream, Harry suddenly awoke, blinking his eyes in disbelief.

"What happened?" he finally said, after, breathing deeply.

"Oh Harry! I thought you'd never wake up!" cried Hermione, who was now bawling over Ronald's shoulder.

"Hermione, death can't even take me from you!" cried Harry.

Ron looked at him angrily.

"… And you … Ron …" Harry grunted.

The classroom cheered at the sight of the Hero's awakening, but in my opinion they would have cheered louder at his death sentence. Harry climbed on top of Ron's back and Hermione's petite body. He waved his hands in the air like a hero who had just slain an enormous dragon. Hermione shifted. She couldn't carry much weight being a beautiful side whore. As Hermione shifted and lost balance, poor Harry and his sidekicks tumbled from the deep and fell face flat on the floor, ending up in another coma. What a surprise!

The dear Potions master was too busy in his secret lab room with a certain nurse, Madam Pomfrey, ( NARRATOR SCOFFS: … hmm… doesn't take much common sense to know what they were doing), to notice what the students were doing. After the bell rang for the next class, the students left the tumbled triangle on the floor unconscious and ran to Care of Magical Creatures, like that was better.

After an hour or so, Severus emerged his giant … door … (Yeah, I know what you were thinking I was going to write, you sick PERVERTS.) to see the three unconscious on the floor. Severus lifted his cape, disgusted on getting the trio's blood on it and walked passed the unconscious heroes on the floor. Following Madam Pomfrey out of the Potions classroom, he snickered as he locked the door behind him.

An hour later, Harry felt something hit his leg. He slowly opened his bloody eyes and saw Hermione standing over him.

"Oh, I'm so sorry Harry, I didn't mean to kick you."

"It's ok, Hermione." he said slickly simultaneously glancing in the mirror. We all know Harry is vain and has an obsessive need for attention.

Ron was still in raptures within his dream. Harry went over to the stone sink basin by the professor's desk. Washing his face and hands of the blood, he turned to Hermione.

"Did I get it all?"

"Umm there's some right there on your neck and back." she said.

He turned in front of the mirror. Blood was all over his back and under his shirt.

"Hermione, I don't think I can get my back, would you mind?"

"Umm. No, I don't mind." she replied slightly hastily.

"Thanks, you're a good friend." he said.

He stripped off his t-shirt. Revealing sexy abs from battling Voldy, but as Hermione traced her way up his bare chest, but only a few finger jumps later she found something she wasn't expecting.

"WHAT IS THAT?" she screamed, pointing at an unusual bump on his chest. Fur sprouted from the brown bump and seemed to be larger than a mole.

"Oh crap, I forgot about that. Hermione, it's no big deal. It's no big deal." he continued, "It's just a third nipple I have. It's family genetics."

"You have a third nipple?"

"Yeah, see it's no big deal." he smiled, "This is bringing us closer right? No secrets."

She looked worried, but reassuringly said, "Sure Harry, no problem."

But deep inside, Hermione was freaking out. The thing looked so disgusting. She would have been alright with a third nipple but with the hair sprouting from it was just disgusting to her.

She grabbed paper towels from the dispenser and turned on the tap water from the stone basin.

"Thanks for understanding, 'Mione."

She nodded silently, caressing his back with the paper towel. The once clean white paper towel turned bright red after cleaning the blood of his back. She moved to his front and of course, all the blood surrounding his third nipple.

She grimaced and looked down while scrubbing his front half. His hand grabbed her chin, "Hermione, thanks." he said smiling.

She nodded silently again but looked in his eyes. His lips were only inches away, she traced the outline of his lips with her tongue. Finally her mouth reached his entirely and held there for a moment or so.

She smiled and asked, "That's the best you can do?"

Harry looked at her shockingly, "The best I can do?" he exclaimed.

He threw the remains of the paper towels and books off the professor's desk and pulled himself on top of it. Holding Hermione's hips he clung to her like Elmer's glue. He lifted her chin to his and gave her the best kiss he had.

Ron had been up for a bit now but he was studying them disgustedly. He was angry, Hermione was stealing his man! What else could Ron do? He ran and jumped over a table, pushing Hermione sideways. He grasped Harry's chin and gave it to him. Harry laid in bliss as Ron caressed his mouth with his tongue.

Hermione didn't like this. She didn't like this at all. She grabbed the back of Ron's ridiculously red hair and dragged him across the room. Getting a firm handle of Ron's large head, she smashed it into the Professor's dark dungeon door.

"Aah." Ron screamed girlishly, clutching his finger nails.

"You broke my nail bit, you whore!" he whined.

He snatched the back of his head, a piece of glass had cut him.

"That's right, Bitch! Harry's my man!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Hermione don't! We can work this out!" Harry cried, looking back and forth at the two.

"Never, mate. She's going down. Uh, uh! Harry's my man, baby!" roared Ron.

He grasped a nearby chair and slammed it over Hermione's head.

"Bitch!" Hermione screamed, her forehead cut from the metal.

She pulled out her wand, "It's time you've said goodbye, Ronald."

"You wish!" Ron yelled.

"No, I know." Hermione whispered.

A jet of green light emerged from her wand and hit directly in the chest.

"Oh!" whispered Ron as he fell to the ground.

"RONALD!!" screamed Harry, "Hermione, why, why?"

"Because I had to." she said plainly, almost maliciously.

Harry rushed to Ronald's limp body.

"You didn't have to do this!"

He clasped Weaslebee's head, crying out loud.

"Come on, Harry let's go." Hermione muttered.

Harry sat on the ground in a pool of blood.

"And just leave him here, you mean?" he cried.

"To be true … yes, that's exactly what I mean." she said plainly.

Hermione muttered an incantation and the door opened. She extended her arm pointing out the door.

"Well, if you put it that way." said Harry.

(well don't we love everyone!)

He picked himself back up and steadily walked away from his body.

"Uh, uh. Wait a minute."

"What?"

"Your clothes are all bloody, we can't go like that, can we?" she said naughtily.

"No, we can't." He censured.

He stripped his already half bare body until he was completely naked except for his underwear. He smiled up to Hermione.

"Now how 'bout that kiss?"

"Yeah … why not?"

He kissed her again, longer this time, with more aggression and passion. Hermione pushed him back.

"I killed my best friend for that kiss?"

Harry stood shocked in nothing but his underwear.

"That was the best kiss ever! What are you talking about?"

She turned out the door only turning around to say, "Harry…" she paused, "You suck at kissing girls. I think you're truly gay… there's no coming back!" Hermione choked out tearfully.

Now, of course, Hermione, is feeling depressed that she risked her future life over a sucky kisser. So of course, there's always an answer to this.

And a moment after she turned, a green jet of light hit Harry squarely in the chest. A moment later, he was gone. (Yes, he is truly gone, as in not coming back, plainly just dead.)

Hermione, on the other hand, ran into none other than her Potions professor, Sevy! Severus looked at her strangely as Hermione's hand shot up his chest and straight to his neck. Pulling him into the classroom, Severus and Hermione were going at it, eating each other's face off. But as soon, both took a breath, Severus spotted the naked boy on his desk.

"Is that …?"

"Potter? Yes."

"I am scarred forever." the professor whined, putting his face in his weathered hands.

"Don't worry, you've got me." she smiled naughtily.

"Yes, why yes I do." he smiled agreeably.

He pulled the enormous door out and Hermione followed the professor into pure darkness but we both know it doesn't take much to know what they were doing.