Breaking Down
Prequel to "Tracey's Farewell"
Disclaimer: Do I LOOK like a billionaire to you? C'mon, let's be realistic here, eh?
Summary: Set closely after "The Rivalry Revival". Tracey has finally achieved his dream of meeting (and working with) Professor Oak, but a simple comment from Ash may destroy that dream for good...
Discretion warning: Contains themes of depression/suicidal feelings/self-harm
A/N: Yep, I'm back with the Tracey thing. Now, you people out there who like Tracey (and you are more rare than Celebi - be proud!) probably think I'm an idiot, 'cause Tracey's never shown any emotion like this. So I'll say this - do you know anyone who is ALWAYS happy? I didn't think so. People who are always happy - like Trace - make me think that they're just hiding something darker....
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The only sound in the room was the ticking of the clock on the living room wall. But every tick sounded like a nuclear bomb dropping to me. I was sleeping - well, attempting to sleep - on the sofa at Delia Ketchum's house. After a long time in the Orange Islands, me, Ash and Misty had finally reached Pallet Town. We had had a long day, and all of us were grateful for the chance to snooze. Misty was sleeping in Ash's room, which I was told was normal for her (and she's trying to tell me that she don't like him? I'm not stupid) and Brock was crashed out on the floor about five feet away from me. I had been tossing and turning for what seemed to be hours. I just couldn't sleep.
Tomorrow - well, depending on if it was before midnight - was the day. Tomorrow was the day when Ash and Misty were leaving with Brock for the Johto League. They were psyched for the journey. I didn't really feel that excited. I was a Pokémon Watcher. I had been all through Johto at least twice. Who can resist when you hear that the Legendary Dogs (A/N: Some people say that Entei, Suicune and Raikou are cats, but you can't tell me that Suicune looks like a cat, okay?) have been spotted out there? What self-respecting Pokémon Watcher would turn down the chance to possibly see them? Not me.
I thought about the way things had gone that day a bit more. After reaching Pallet Town, meeting Professor Oak, trying my best not to freak out as he looked through my portfolio, and getting through another attack by Team Rocket, the professor had come to me with an offer I would be a fool to refuse - to stay and work at his lab with him. So, I accepted.
Brock mumbled something in his sleep. I looked over in his general direction. His appearance had been unexpected, I knew that much. At least, I thought that much from the way Ash kind of crashed into a wall after running full-tilt into the kitchen to see him standing there. I was still trying to figure out whether it was cool or not that I had finally met him. On one hand, it was cool that I could finally put a face and voice to the name, but on the other, I felt like there was a sense of competition between us. It wasn't a spoken competition, but it was there. We had both been what I suppose you could call the 'third wheel' in the group at some time. I had expected there to be a little bit of a dilemma. But what I hadn't expected is to fade into the background like camouflage. I had to do something stupid and embarrassing just to get attention. That was when I decided to take the professor's offer. I had the sense that I would just be like a stray puppy following a kid home if I was to stay with Ash and Misty. There was no sense in that. I would just be traveling alone, in a sense.
The clock chimed. I discovered that it was two in the morning by counting the chimes. I sighed. All I could think of was what was to come after tomorrow....
* * *
"Johto League, here I come!"
I was faintly aware of Ash's voice upstairs and the subsequent yell of, "Ash, it's only six in the morning!" from Misty. Obviously, the time had no affect on Ash, because I heard him thunder down the stairs a moment later. I poked my head up from the sofa to see that he was still in his pyjamas, he'd just run down to get breakfast. Pikachu had followed him down, but upon seeing that Ash was preoccupied, snuck back to Ash's room, probably to get in a few more winks.
"Hey, you guys, get up!" Ash yelled.
I lay back down just in time to avoid a flying pillow that came from Brock's general direction. "Ash, it's six in the morning!" he mumbled, his face buried against the carpet now that he was pillow-less.
I smirked a bit, but that faded as Ash's face popped into my frame of view from behind the sofa. "Hey, you up, Trace?" he said cheerfully.
"You don't have to be that cheerful," Brock muttered, sitting up, obviously deciding that sleep wasn't a thing he was going to get any more of. "Geez, Ash, you need some Valium."
Ash raised an eyebrow. "Huh?" he said.
Misty appeared downstairs a few minutes later, dressed, but with her hair still down and wet from the shower she'd taken after her rude awakening. She wandered over to the kitchen table and flopped down in a chair.
I sat up and rubbed the last sleep out of my eyes. I guess I was slightly more accustomed to waking up early. After all, I had been traveling longer than any of them. I wandered into the kitchen. "So, I take it Ash is excited?" I said to a half-asleep Misty.
Misty didn't move her head from its spot on the table, but mumbled something to acknowledge that she had heard me.
"It's gonna be so cool out there, right, Trace?" Ash said to me.
Misty cleared her throat loudly as I felt my heart sink.
"Oh, yeah," Ash said, biting his lip. "I forgot...you're staying here..."
"It's okay," I said.
"I'm sorry, Tracey, I just forgot," Ash said.
I guess the expression on my face gave me away. "I said it's okay," I replied. I decided that I better get dressed.
About two hours later, Brock and Misty decided that they were out of excuses to keep Ash in the house, so they decided to 'take off', as Brock put it. Amazing how he could make a journey that could last years just seem like a trip to the next town. Johto was huge. Nothing to be scoffed at. But they'd learn that on their own.
I was surprised to see Professor Oak approaching when I followed Delia out of the house to bid Ash and Misty farewell. I guess I should have known that he'd come to see Ash off and remind him about the GS Ball.
I felt a little awkward standing there with the professor and Delia, especially after having traveled so long with Ash and Misty. My Pokémon seemed to share the mentality, since all three were silent.
After saying our goodbyes, I watched them walk away. I heard the professor and Delia talking, but my attention wasn't really on them. That's when I heard Ash say to Brock, "You know, things just weren't right without you. It was like there was someone missing..."
That hit me like a slap in the face. Things weren't right? Someone missing? What had I been? Didn't I mean more to them than that? It shouldn't have bothered me that much, but it did. I felt a lump in my throat, but held it back. I was with strangers now, and I had to be more careful about what I said or did.
Delia turned to me. "Are you all right, Tracey?" she asked.
Shoot...so much for a career in acting. I nodded.
"It's okay to be upset, you know," she said. "After all, you're bound to miss traveling with them."
"Yeah," I said.
The professor, behind me, clapped me on the shoulder. "Well, Tracey, let's go," he said. "I'll show you around the lab and such."
All feelings of sadness drained from my mind as I followed. My first day working the job that I had never dreamed I would work...
* * *
ONE YEAR LATER....
I forced my eyes to open. The light pouring in through the window made me shut them immediately afterwards. My head was pounding, as if the thoughts that were whirling around in it were too much for my skull to hold in. I dragged myself into a sitting position. I felt so drained, like there were weights tied to my head, dragging it down. I rested my head in my palms for a moment, trying to get my bearings.
Professor Oak knocked gently on my door. "Tracey, I need you to..." he stopped. "Are you okay?"
I looked up. "Yeah, I just got a bad headache, that's all, I'll be fine," I replied. It was only partly true.
"Take your time," he said. "Don't rush yourself. Believe me, you'll have a migraine before lunch if you do."
*Too late,* I was thinking. The pain in my head was enough to make me wince with every pound. And nausea threatened to take over the second I stood up. I wobbled a bit on my feet.
The professor was at my side in a second. He caught me just before I collapsed. "Tracey, go back to bed," he said. "You're sick."
I shook my head. If I did, the professor would think that I was just freeloading off of him. I didn't want that. I wanted to make him think that keeping me there was worth it.
"Yes," he said. "Don't argue with me."
I looked at him and finally gave in. I crawled back under the sheets. I wasn't physically sick, I knew that much. I was just...lost. I'd been to a doctor, and he had told me that I may be suffering from chronic depression. I'd denied it. There was no way. Not me. I was just having a rough time coping with myself, that was all. I rolled over to face the wall. Tears burned my eyes.
"Tracey, do you want me to call a doctor?" Professor Oak asked me.
I shook my head. "No," I said. "I'll be fine."
"All right," he replied. "Just take it easy, okay? And come down for lunch, huh? You haven't eaten anything for a few days. That's not good."
I heard the door close and welcomed the opportunity to burst into tears. Why was I feeling this way? Why did I feel so helpless....so hopeless? Why was I waking up with a headache every morning? Could there be something really wrong with me? What would I do if there was?
I heard the sound of a PokéBall opening and a second one just after that. A few seconds later, I heard Marill's voice in my ear.
"I'm fine, Marill," I said to her. "I'm just tired."
I felt her clamber over me and opened my eyes to see her staring at me. I closed my eyes again, too tired to keep them open.
* * *
I was working on cleaning a couple of shelves when I heard the professor's phone ring. I could tell that he didn't know I was there by the conversation that ensued.
"Professor, it's us," I heard Ash's voice on the other end.
"Well, hi there, Ash!" the professor said back.
"How's it going over there?"
"Everything's going just fine. How about you?"
A pause. "Just great!" Ash said proudly. "I won my fifth badge!"
"Good going, Ash!"
There was a heavier pause. "Professor, how's Tracey doing?" That came from Misty.
I heard the professor sigh. "I'm worried about him," he said.
I frowned and stopped dusting the shelf that I had been dusting since the conversation began.
"Why?" Misty's voice.
"He's been very withdrawn lately...it's almost like he isn't here half the time...it's like he's lost in his own little world...not to mention that he's been very sick lately...he almost refuses to eat anything...he gets wiped out a lot, but he won't take time off because he says that I'll think he's freeloading off of me...I think he's gone into a bit of a depression, I'm afraid..."
"What does that mean?" Misty's voice was shaking a bit.
"Nothing at the moment," the professor said. "But if I can't convince him to see a doctor, I'm afraid that this thing may get out of my hands..."
"You mean he might try to hurt himself?" Ash said slowly.
"There's no telling...but I think it's a possibility. He won't talk to me. I know there's something bothering him, but he just won't tell me when there is...I wish he could trust me more..."
I sighed and turned to leave. I couldn't ask the professor to sit and listen to my whole sob-story life. That was just too much. He was doing me the favor by letting me work at his lab, I didn't want to have to impose on him by asking him to be a counsellor, too.
I flung myself on my bed when I reached my room. I buried my face against my pillow. "Just stop it," I moaned to the voices in my head. "Leave me alone!' I didn't want to feel like this. I just wanted to be a normal seventeen-year-old teenager. That was all. I didn't want to have to suffer through this pain every single day. It was getting bad enough that it was preventing me from breathing. I would have to fight to breathe sometimes.
The knock on the door a few minutes later dragged me kicking and screaming out of my self-pity. "Tracey?" the professor's voice. "Are you all right?"
I shook my head.
"Tell me what's wrong, Tracey, please," he said. I heard something in his voice that made me sit up.
"I don't want to make you listen to me," I said.
"Tracey, I think it's about time you start to trust me, okay?" he said. "You don't have to tell me a lot, just what's bothering you right now."
I shook my head.
"Tracey, please?" he asked. "I hate seeing you like this! You've been here for a year, but I've never seen you like this until recently. There has to be something wrong."
"I don't want to live anymore." The statement shocked me. I didn't think that I was that far gone, to say that I would rather be dead than here.
I'd surprised him, too, because he said nothing else for a long time. Finally, he spoke up. "Why do you say that, Tracey?" he said.
I buried my head in my hands. "I don't know," I said. "I just want it all to end..."
"You know that we care about what happens to you, don't you, Trace?"
I nodded.
"You mean a lot to Delia and I," he said. "And we're always here for you, no matter what."
I kept my eyes on my hands. Have you ever felt that way? Like no matter what you say, they'll just tell you to knock it off and grow up, unless you threaten to hurt yourself?
I felt his hand on my shoulder. "I know what this is about," he said suddenly.
I looked up at him.
"Back when Ash and Misty left," he said. "You heard Ash say something. I saw you go pale. Am I right?"
I nodded. "Yeah," I said. "He said that things were never right without Brock around...that he felt like someone had been missing all that time..."
"And you took it to heart, right?"
I nodded.
The professor sighed. "Ash is a good kid, but he can be really dense sometimes. I can see how that would hurt you. But why are you acting like this now?"
I shrugged. "I don't know," I said. "I can't help it...I try not to think this way...but I can't stop myself from it..."
"Sometimes, when we think that things aren't going the way we thought they would, we can't help but drag up the past. Is that what's going on?"
"They haven't even tried to talk to me since they left," I said. "It's like I never existed to them. They probably won't even know who I am when they get back."
"I don't think it's that bad, Tracey," the professor said. "Misty asked how you were today. She seems really worried."
I knew that he was telling the truth, since I had been in the room when that conversation had taken place. I wished I knew why she would ask now, after all that time. "Yeah, maybe," I said.
I heard the professor sigh. "Tracey, I hate to say this to you, but if you keep this up, I'm going to have to call the hospital," he said. "I can't be watching you all day, but I'm not going to leave you alone if you're saying that you want to hurt yourself, okay?"
I felt that same burning feeling in my eyes again, but I knew that he was right. And, in a way, I wanted to go, too, because that was the only way that I knew I wouldn't do something bad to myself.
"Tracey?" the professor was making sure I heard him.
I nodded.
"Okay," he said. "Just come downstairs and eat something, then you can come back up here and get some rest. I don't think you've been sleeping too well lately, either, have you?"
I shook my head.
"Well, then, you need rest." He stood up. "Come on."
I followed him to the kitchen, managed to force myself to eat a sandwich, and then retreated back to my room. Suddenly, what the doctor had said about depression didn't seem so absurd. It made sense, actually. And that's when I stood up and walked back downstairs to find him cleaning up. "Professor?" I said, surprised at how weak my voice sounded.
He turned. "Yes, Tracey, what is it?" he said.
"I...I want to go see a doctor," I said. "I want to get rid of these feelings...I just want help..."
I thought I saw a smidge of a smile on his face, but I was probably imagining it. "All right," he said. "Let's go."
* * *
An hour later, I lay in a hospital bed. On the way to the hospital, I had brilliantly fallen down the last few steps of the professor's lab, and twisted my ankle. So now I had a physical reason to be there, not just an emotional reason.
"Tracey?" Professor Oak said softly.
"Yeah?" I replied, after determining that I really had heard his voice.
I felt his hand on mine. "I wish I could just make you feel better, but I can't...I just want you to know that you're like a son to me. This past year...I never imagined that I would feel this way about an assistant of mine, but...you're different, Tracey. There's something about you that makes you special to me. And to see you like this...it tears me apart. I brag about you to everyone I talk to. You have it in you to do great things, Tracey, and I for one am glad that you met Ash and Misty."
Tears rolled down my face as I accepted his offered embrace. I thought I heard him crying, but I wasn't about to say anything. There was a long silence between us before he spoke again. "Promise me you'll try to trust me more, Tracey," he said. "I can't change your past, but I can help you with your future. Please let me help you."
I nodded into his shirt.
"I would give up my entire career if it meant that you would be happy again," he said. "And I mean that with all my heart."
I broke back into tears, this time knowing that I wouldn't be judged for it.
* * *
I had gotten one of those shrink people that was just out of university and thought that the only people who had a reason to die were homeless people with terminal diseases. He didn't understand a single word I said. I felt worse and worse with each passing day. And as the emotions got deeper, my body got weaker. I was at the point where I was freeloading off of the professor, because I was too weak to do anything else.
One day, it went too far. I was sitting in the empty bathtub, my bathrobe on. I didn't even have strength left to turn the faucet handles to turn the water on. So I just sat there. And cried. It seemed like all I ever did was cry. Cry and sleep. A baby stuck in a seventeen year old's body. My entire body felt the way someone's body feels when you're about to be punched or something and you automatically tense up your muscles so you don't get hurt as bad.
In my hand rested my small pocketknife, the one with just a blade and a pair of mini-scissors. I stared at it for a long time and finally touched it to my wrist, feeling the cold blade and the sharpness of it. I could see the vein that I planned on slicing right through. But there was something holding me back, like a voice in my head. One half of my brain was telling me to hurry up so I'd be dead before anyone came looking for me, the other half of my brain was telling me not to do it, to think about what this would do to everyone else. I could see my hand shaking. I didn't know what to do. My head was spinning like a tornado. Finally, I closed the blade away and started to climb back out of the tub. "What am I doing?" I muttered to myself. "Why am I just sitting here, not trying to get out of this rut?" I sighed, looking at the pocketknife one more time and then throwing it into the trash can. "That's it," I muttered. "No more. I'm not letting this thing beat me."
* * *
"You're looking better, Tracey," the professor said as I walked into the kitchen for breakfast.
I nodded. "I really thought about all this last night, and I realized that I'm the one letting it bother me," I said. "And it's time that I tried to not let it bother me." I left out the part of almost killing myself the night before.
The professor smiled. "That's good, Tracey," he said. "I'm glad."
"So what do you want me to do today?" I asked, popping a couple slices of bread into the toaster.
"Well, I've got some work to do on that paper I'm presenting next month," he said. "So I'm going to ask you to go out and make sure all the Pokémon are out of their PokéBalls and fed, that kind of thing - be careful, it's hot out there. Later, I'm going to get you to fax some papers to Professor Ivy. Is that okay with you?"
I nodded. "Sure," I said. I finished off my breakfast, went upstairs to get dressed, grabbed my PokéBalls so I could let Marill, Venonat, and Scyther out when I got outside.
The professor hadn't been kidding, it was hot outside. But it was good to see the sun, since I hadn't really left the lab in a while. I sighed, let my Pokémon out, and set about the major task of feeding the Pokémon. When I was done that, I sat at the edge of the pond, where Marill and Venonat were having a Pokémon water fight. Marill always wins, though, and Venonat always complains about it, saying that Marill shouldn't be allowed to use her Water Gun. It's cute to see the two of them arguing over something as trivial as a water fight. But they're still like best friends. I felt tears spring to my eyes as I remembered the night before. What if Marill had found me dead? Or Venonat? That would have destroyed both of them. I know that they adore me, and I adore them. Those two are like my children, we've been through so much. I secretly thanked the side of my brain that had stopped me from killing myself. I knew it wasn't going to be an overnight transition thing, but I was going to try my hardest never to think like that again.
I headed back inside and began the task of figuring out how to get the fax machine to co-operate long enough to fax the papers to Professor Ivy. While I was doing that, I heard an all-too-familiar voice yell out, "Professor, we're back!" It was Ash. I looked back at the calendar on the wall. "Should have expected that they'd be back," I said to myself and went back to the faxing.
A little while later, I felt like I was being watched. I turned my head slightly to see who was there, while also keeping my eye on the uncooperative fax machine. I noticed Brock there in the doorway. I couldn't read the expression on his face, but something told me that this encounter wasn't going to end too well....
TO BE CONTINUED.....
A/N: Just when I get him out of that rut, Brock comes in and ruins the whole thing....*Chikorita's Wooper taps her on the shoulder and whispers something in her ear* What's that, Wooper? I made Brock do it? Of course I did! But there was no real villain in this fic. Anyways, I think you all know what happens after this, because chances are you've read the next two parts and are probably sick of me constantly re-writing the thing. Oh, well. The day I stop seeing Tracey-bashing fics, that's the day I stop writing these I'm-trying-to-make-you-feel-sorry-for-Tracey fics. Until then, you're stuck with me! Mwahahahahahaha!
Prequel to "Tracey's Farewell"
Disclaimer: Do I LOOK like a billionaire to you? C'mon, let's be realistic here, eh?
Summary: Set closely after "The Rivalry Revival". Tracey has finally achieved his dream of meeting (and working with) Professor Oak, but a simple comment from Ash may destroy that dream for good...
Discretion warning: Contains themes of depression/suicidal feelings/self-harm
A/N: Yep, I'm back with the Tracey thing. Now, you people out there who like Tracey (and you are more rare than Celebi - be proud!) probably think I'm an idiot, 'cause Tracey's never shown any emotion like this. So I'll say this - do you know anyone who is ALWAYS happy? I didn't think so. People who are always happy - like Trace - make me think that they're just hiding something darker....
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The only sound in the room was the ticking of the clock on the living room wall. But every tick sounded like a nuclear bomb dropping to me. I was sleeping - well, attempting to sleep - on the sofa at Delia Ketchum's house. After a long time in the Orange Islands, me, Ash and Misty had finally reached Pallet Town. We had had a long day, and all of us were grateful for the chance to snooze. Misty was sleeping in Ash's room, which I was told was normal for her (and she's trying to tell me that she don't like him? I'm not stupid) and Brock was crashed out on the floor about five feet away from me. I had been tossing and turning for what seemed to be hours. I just couldn't sleep.
Tomorrow - well, depending on if it was before midnight - was the day. Tomorrow was the day when Ash and Misty were leaving with Brock for the Johto League. They were psyched for the journey. I didn't really feel that excited. I was a Pokémon Watcher. I had been all through Johto at least twice. Who can resist when you hear that the Legendary Dogs (A/N: Some people say that Entei, Suicune and Raikou are cats, but you can't tell me that Suicune looks like a cat, okay?) have been spotted out there? What self-respecting Pokémon Watcher would turn down the chance to possibly see them? Not me.
I thought about the way things had gone that day a bit more. After reaching Pallet Town, meeting Professor Oak, trying my best not to freak out as he looked through my portfolio, and getting through another attack by Team Rocket, the professor had come to me with an offer I would be a fool to refuse - to stay and work at his lab with him. So, I accepted.
Brock mumbled something in his sleep. I looked over in his general direction. His appearance had been unexpected, I knew that much. At least, I thought that much from the way Ash kind of crashed into a wall after running full-tilt into the kitchen to see him standing there. I was still trying to figure out whether it was cool or not that I had finally met him. On one hand, it was cool that I could finally put a face and voice to the name, but on the other, I felt like there was a sense of competition between us. It wasn't a spoken competition, but it was there. We had both been what I suppose you could call the 'third wheel' in the group at some time. I had expected there to be a little bit of a dilemma. But what I hadn't expected is to fade into the background like camouflage. I had to do something stupid and embarrassing just to get attention. That was when I decided to take the professor's offer. I had the sense that I would just be like a stray puppy following a kid home if I was to stay with Ash and Misty. There was no sense in that. I would just be traveling alone, in a sense.
The clock chimed. I discovered that it was two in the morning by counting the chimes. I sighed. All I could think of was what was to come after tomorrow....
* * *
"Johto League, here I come!"
I was faintly aware of Ash's voice upstairs and the subsequent yell of, "Ash, it's only six in the morning!" from Misty. Obviously, the time had no affect on Ash, because I heard him thunder down the stairs a moment later. I poked my head up from the sofa to see that he was still in his pyjamas, he'd just run down to get breakfast. Pikachu had followed him down, but upon seeing that Ash was preoccupied, snuck back to Ash's room, probably to get in a few more winks.
"Hey, you guys, get up!" Ash yelled.
I lay back down just in time to avoid a flying pillow that came from Brock's general direction. "Ash, it's six in the morning!" he mumbled, his face buried against the carpet now that he was pillow-less.
I smirked a bit, but that faded as Ash's face popped into my frame of view from behind the sofa. "Hey, you up, Trace?" he said cheerfully.
"You don't have to be that cheerful," Brock muttered, sitting up, obviously deciding that sleep wasn't a thing he was going to get any more of. "Geez, Ash, you need some Valium."
Ash raised an eyebrow. "Huh?" he said.
Misty appeared downstairs a few minutes later, dressed, but with her hair still down and wet from the shower she'd taken after her rude awakening. She wandered over to the kitchen table and flopped down in a chair.
I sat up and rubbed the last sleep out of my eyes. I guess I was slightly more accustomed to waking up early. After all, I had been traveling longer than any of them. I wandered into the kitchen. "So, I take it Ash is excited?" I said to a half-asleep Misty.
Misty didn't move her head from its spot on the table, but mumbled something to acknowledge that she had heard me.
"It's gonna be so cool out there, right, Trace?" Ash said to me.
Misty cleared her throat loudly as I felt my heart sink.
"Oh, yeah," Ash said, biting his lip. "I forgot...you're staying here..."
"It's okay," I said.
"I'm sorry, Tracey, I just forgot," Ash said.
I guess the expression on my face gave me away. "I said it's okay," I replied. I decided that I better get dressed.
About two hours later, Brock and Misty decided that they were out of excuses to keep Ash in the house, so they decided to 'take off', as Brock put it. Amazing how he could make a journey that could last years just seem like a trip to the next town. Johto was huge. Nothing to be scoffed at. But they'd learn that on their own.
I was surprised to see Professor Oak approaching when I followed Delia out of the house to bid Ash and Misty farewell. I guess I should have known that he'd come to see Ash off and remind him about the GS Ball.
I felt a little awkward standing there with the professor and Delia, especially after having traveled so long with Ash and Misty. My Pokémon seemed to share the mentality, since all three were silent.
After saying our goodbyes, I watched them walk away. I heard the professor and Delia talking, but my attention wasn't really on them. That's when I heard Ash say to Brock, "You know, things just weren't right without you. It was like there was someone missing..."
That hit me like a slap in the face. Things weren't right? Someone missing? What had I been? Didn't I mean more to them than that? It shouldn't have bothered me that much, but it did. I felt a lump in my throat, but held it back. I was with strangers now, and I had to be more careful about what I said or did.
Delia turned to me. "Are you all right, Tracey?" she asked.
Shoot...so much for a career in acting. I nodded.
"It's okay to be upset, you know," she said. "After all, you're bound to miss traveling with them."
"Yeah," I said.
The professor, behind me, clapped me on the shoulder. "Well, Tracey, let's go," he said. "I'll show you around the lab and such."
All feelings of sadness drained from my mind as I followed. My first day working the job that I had never dreamed I would work...
* * *
ONE YEAR LATER....
I forced my eyes to open. The light pouring in through the window made me shut them immediately afterwards. My head was pounding, as if the thoughts that were whirling around in it were too much for my skull to hold in. I dragged myself into a sitting position. I felt so drained, like there were weights tied to my head, dragging it down. I rested my head in my palms for a moment, trying to get my bearings.
Professor Oak knocked gently on my door. "Tracey, I need you to..." he stopped. "Are you okay?"
I looked up. "Yeah, I just got a bad headache, that's all, I'll be fine," I replied. It was only partly true.
"Take your time," he said. "Don't rush yourself. Believe me, you'll have a migraine before lunch if you do."
*Too late,* I was thinking. The pain in my head was enough to make me wince with every pound. And nausea threatened to take over the second I stood up. I wobbled a bit on my feet.
The professor was at my side in a second. He caught me just before I collapsed. "Tracey, go back to bed," he said. "You're sick."
I shook my head. If I did, the professor would think that I was just freeloading off of him. I didn't want that. I wanted to make him think that keeping me there was worth it.
"Yes," he said. "Don't argue with me."
I looked at him and finally gave in. I crawled back under the sheets. I wasn't physically sick, I knew that much. I was just...lost. I'd been to a doctor, and he had told me that I may be suffering from chronic depression. I'd denied it. There was no way. Not me. I was just having a rough time coping with myself, that was all. I rolled over to face the wall. Tears burned my eyes.
"Tracey, do you want me to call a doctor?" Professor Oak asked me.
I shook my head. "No," I said. "I'll be fine."
"All right," he replied. "Just take it easy, okay? And come down for lunch, huh? You haven't eaten anything for a few days. That's not good."
I heard the door close and welcomed the opportunity to burst into tears. Why was I feeling this way? Why did I feel so helpless....so hopeless? Why was I waking up with a headache every morning? Could there be something really wrong with me? What would I do if there was?
I heard the sound of a PokéBall opening and a second one just after that. A few seconds later, I heard Marill's voice in my ear.
"I'm fine, Marill," I said to her. "I'm just tired."
I felt her clamber over me and opened my eyes to see her staring at me. I closed my eyes again, too tired to keep them open.
* * *
I was working on cleaning a couple of shelves when I heard the professor's phone ring. I could tell that he didn't know I was there by the conversation that ensued.
"Professor, it's us," I heard Ash's voice on the other end.
"Well, hi there, Ash!" the professor said back.
"How's it going over there?"
"Everything's going just fine. How about you?"
A pause. "Just great!" Ash said proudly. "I won my fifth badge!"
"Good going, Ash!"
There was a heavier pause. "Professor, how's Tracey doing?" That came from Misty.
I heard the professor sigh. "I'm worried about him," he said.
I frowned and stopped dusting the shelf that I had been dusting since the conversation began.
"Why?" Misty's voice.
"He's been very withdrawn lately...it's almost like he isn't here half the time...it's like he's lost in his own little world...not to mention that he's been very sick lately...he almost refuses to eat anything...he gets wiped out a lot, but he won't take time off because he says that I'll think he's freeloading off of me...I think he's gone into a bit of a depression, I'm afraid..."
"What does that mean?" Misty's voice was shaking a bit.
"Nothing at the moment," the professor said. "But if I can't convince him to see a doctor, I'm afraid that this thing may get out of my hands..."
"You mean he might try to hurt himself?" Ash said slowly.
"There's no telling...but I think it's a possibility. He won't talk to me. I know there's something bothering him, but he just won't tell me when there is...I wish he could trust me more..."
I sighed and turned to leave. I couldn't ask the professor to sit and listen to my whole sob-story life. That was just too much. He was doing me the favor by letting me work at his lab, I didn't want to have to impose on him by asking him to be a counsellor, too.
I flung myself on my bed when I reached my room. I buried my face against my pillow. "Just stop it," I moaned to the voices in my head. "Leave me alone!' I didn't want to feel like this. I just wanted to be a normal seventeen-year-old teenager. That was all. I didn't want to have to suffer through this pain every single day. It was getting bad enough that it was preventing me from breathing. I would have to fight to breathe sometimes.
The knock on the door a few minutes later dragged me kicking and screaming out of my self-pity. "Tracey?" the professor's voice. "Are you all right?"
I shook my head.
"Tell me what's wrong, Tracey, please," he said. I heard something in his voice that made me sit up.
"I don't want to make you listen to me," I said.
"Tracey, I think it's about time you start to trust me, okay?" he said. "You don't have to tell me a lot, just what's bothering you right now."
I shook my head.
"Tracey, please?" he asked. "I hate seeing you like this! You've been here for a year, but I've never seen you like this until recently. There has to be something wrong."
"I don't want to live anymore." The statement shocked me. I didn't think that I was that far gone, to say that I would rather be dead than here.
I'd surprised him, too, because he said nothing else for a long time. Finally, he spoke up. "Why do you say that, Tracey?" he said.
I buried my head in my hands. "I don't know," I said. "I just want it all to end..."
"You know that we care about what happens to you, don't you, Trace?"
I nodded.
"You mean a lot to Delia and I," he said. "And we're always here for you, no matter what."
I kept my eyes on my hands. Have you ever felt that way? Like no matter what you say, they'll just tell you to knock it off and grow up, unless you threaten to hurt yourself?
I felt his hand on my shoulder. "I know what this is about," he said suddenly.
I looked up at him.
"Back when Ash and Misty left," he said. "You heard Ash say something. I saw you go pale. Am I right?"
I nodded. "Yeah," I said. "He said that things were never right without Brock around...that he felt like someone had been missing all that time..."
"And you took it to heart, right?"
I nodded.
The professor sighed. "Ash is a good kid, but he can be really dense sometimes. I can see how that would hurt you. But why are you acting like this now?"
I shrugged. "I don't know," I said. "I can't help it...I try not to think this way...but I can't stop myself from it..."
"Sometimes, when we think that things aren't going the way we thought they would, we can't help but drag up the past. Is that what's going on?"
"They haven't even tried to talk to me since they left," I said. "It's like I never existed to them. They probably won't even know who I am when they get back."
"I don't think it's that bad, Tracey," the professor said. "Misty asked how you were today. She seems really worried."
I knew that he was telling the truth, since I had been in the room when that conversation had taken place. I wished I knew why she would ask now, after all that time. "Yeah, maybe," I said.
I heard the professor sigh. "Tracey, I hate to say this to you, but if you keep this up, I'm going to have to call the hospital," he said. "I can't be watching you all day, but I'm not going to leave you alone if you're saying that you want to hurt yourself, okay?"
I felt that same burning feeling in my eyes again, but I knew that he was right. And, in a way, I wanted to go, too, because that was the only way that I knew I wouldn't do something bad to myself.
"Tracey?" the professor was making sure I heard him.
I nodded.
"Okay," he said. "Just come downstairs and eat something, then you can come back up here and get some rest. I don't think you've been sleeping too well lately, either, have you?"
I shook my head.
"Well, then, you need rest." He stood up. "Come on."
I followed him to the kitchen, managed to force myself to eat a sandwich, and then retreated back to my room. Suddenly, what the doctor had said about depression didn't seem so absurd. It made sense, actually. And that's when I stood up and walked back downstairs to find him cleaning up. "Professor?" I said, surprised at how weak my voice sounded.
He turned. "Yes, Tracey, what is it?" he said.
"I...I want to go see a doctor," I said. "I want to get rid of these feelings...I just want help..."
I thought I saw a smidge of a smile on his face, but I was probably imagining it. "All right," he said. "Let's go."
* * *
An hour later, I lay in a hospital bed. On the way to the hospital, I had brilliantly fallen down the last few steps of the professor's lab, and twisted my ankle. So now I had a physical reason to be there, not just an emotional reason.
"Tracey?" Professor Oak said softly.
"Yeah?" I replied, after determining that I really had heard his voice.
I felt his hand on mine. "I wish I could just make you feel better, but I can't...I just want you to know that you're like a son to me. This past year...I never imagined that I would feel this way about an assistant of mine, but...you're different, Tracey. There's something about you that makes you special to me. And to see you like this...it tears me apart. I brag about you to everyone I talk to. You have it in you to do great things, Tracey, and I for one am glad that you met Ash and Misty."
Tears rolled down my face as I accepted his offered embrace. I thought I heard him crying, but I wasn't about to say anything. There was a long silence between us before he spoke again. "Promise me you'll try to trust me more, Tracey," he said. "I can't change your past, but I can help you with your future. Please let me help you."
I nodded into his shirt.
"I would give up my entire career if it meant that you would be happy again," he said. "And I mean that with all my heart."
I broke back into tears, this time knowing that I wouldn't be judged for it.
* * *
I had gotten one of those shrink people that was just out of university and thought that the only people who had a reason to die were homeless people with terminal diseases. He didn't understand a single word I said. I felt worse and worse with each passing day. And as the emotions got deeper, my body got weaker. I was at the point where I was freeloading off of the professor, because I was too weak to do anything else.
One day, it went too far. I was sitting in the empty bathtub, my bathrobe on. I didn't even have strength left to turn the faucet handles to turn the water on. So I just sat there. And cried. It seemed like all I ever did was cry. Cry and sleep. A baby stuck in a seventeen year old's body. My entire body felt the way someone's body feels when you're about to be punched or something and you automatically tense up your muscles so you don't get hurt as bad.
In my hand rested my small pocketknife, the one with just a blade and a pair of mini-scissors. I stared at it for a long time and finally touched it to my wrist, feeling the cold blade and the sharpness of it. I could see the vein that I planned on slicing right through. But there was something holding me back, like a voice in my head. One half of my brain was telling me to hurry up so I'd be dead before anyone came looking for me, the other half of my brain was telling me not to do it, to think about what this would do to everyone else. I could see my hand shaking. I didn't know what to do. My head was spinning like a tornado. Finally, I closed the blade away and started to climb back out of the tub. "What am I doing?" I muttered to myself. "Why am I just sitting here, not trying to get out of this rut?" I sighed, looking at the pocketknife one more time and then throwing it into the trash can. "That's it," I muttered. "No more. I'm not letting this thing beat me."
* * *
"You're looking better, Tracey," the professor said as I walked into the kitchen for breakfast.
I nodded. "I really thought about all this last night, and I realized that I'm the one letting it bother me," I said. "And it's time that I tried to not let it bother me." I left out the part of almost killing myself the night before.
The professor smiled. "That's good, Tracey," he said. "I'm glad."
"So what do you want me to do today?" I asked, popping a couple slices of bread into the toaster.
"Well, I've got some work to do on that paper I'm presenting next month," he said. "So I'm going to ask you to go out and make sure all the Pokémon are out of their PokéBalls and fed, that kind of thing - be careful, it's hot out there. Later, I'm going to get you to fax some papers to Professor Ivy. Is that okay with you?"
I nodded. "Sure," I said. I finished off my breakfast, went upstairs to get dressed, grabbed my PokéBalls so I could let Marill, Venonat, and Scyther out when I got outside.
The professor hadn't been kidding, it was hot outside. But it was good to see the sun, since I hadn't really left the lab in a while. I sighed, let my Pokémon out, and set about the major task of feeding the Pokémon. When I was done that, I sat at the edge of the pond, where Marill and Venonat were having a Pokémon water fight. Marill always wins, though, and Venonat always complains about it, saying that Marill shouldn't be allowed to use her Water Gun. It's cute to see the two of them arguing over something as trivial as a water fight. But they're still like best friends. I felt tears spring to my eyes as I remembered the night before. What if Marill had found me dead? Or Venonat? That would have destroyed both of them. I know that they adore me, and I adore them. Those two are like my children, we've been through so much. I secretly thanked the side of my brain that had stopped me from killing myself. I knew it wasn't going to be an overnight transition thing, but I was going to try my hardest never to think like that again.
I headed back inside and began the task of figuring out how to get the fax machine to co-operate long enough to fax the papers to Professor Ivy. While I was doing that, I heard an all-too-familiar voice yell out, "Professor, we're back!" It was Ash. I looked back at the calendar on the wall. "Should have expected that they'd be back," I said to myself and went back to the faxing.
A little while later, I felt like I was being watched. I turned my head slightly to see who was there, while also keeping my eye on the uncooperative fax machine. I noticed Brock there in the doorway. I couldn't read the expression on his face, but something told me that this encounter wasn't going to end too well....
TO BE CONTINUED.....
A/N: Just when I get him out of that rut, Brock comes in and ruins the whole thing....*Chikorita's Wooper taps her on the shoulder and whispers something in her ear* What's that, Wooper? I made Brock do it? Of course I did! But there was no real villain in this fic. Anyways, I think you all know what happens after this, because chances are you've read the next two parts and are probably sick of me constantly re-writing the thing. Oh, well. The day I stop seeing Tracey-bashing fics, that's the day I stop writing these I'm-trying-to-make-you-feel-sorry-for-Tracey fics. Until then, you're stuck with me! Mwahahahahahaha!
