Jac

Jac Naylor scowled. It was approaching half past two in the morning on a particularly laborious night shift. To make things worse, Mo had drunk the last of the coffee. Feeling distinctly decaffeinated, Jac covered her mouth to disguise a loud yawn as she scanned through her patient's notes. Ten minutes to go, she thought to herself with a cursory glance at the dark and quiet Darwin Ward. Forty minutes and she could go home and sleep. The thought of sleep made her feel even more tired so Jac hurriedly focussed her mind upon Mr. Georges and his upcoming bypass operation the following day.

"You're a sight for sore eyes," Mr. Georges said as he clapped eyes upon Jac.

"How are you feeling?" Jac said in a rehearsed manner as though she was working on autopilot.

"I'm fine, honestly, tickety boo," he replied with a toothy smile.

"No worsening symptoms?"

"Nope."

"Nausea, headaches, shortness of breath?"

"Like I told you ms, I'm fine."

"We still have to check," Jac said as she stifled another yawn.

"You look half dead yourself, and I thought I was the ill one," Mr. Georges said, his manner full of concern.

"Just the night shift," Jac explained. "And no coffee."

"Ah yes coffee. I used to work night shifts all the time, couldn't get through it without a couple of cups of coffee." He chuckled quietly to himself.

"We ran out before I had a chance," Jac frowned. She looked over her shoulder.

"Something on your mind?" Mr. Georges enquired.

"It's nothing," Jac said in a hurry. "Well, if you're sure you're okay, I've got paperwork to catch up on for the next half hour." She tiptoed away without waiting for Mr. Georges to respond.

As Jac sat down to fill out form after form after form, she found her mind wondering to other things. Her hand worked without thought, filling each form in and filing it away in the drawer beside the pile. Jonny. Jac shook her head. This was not the time to be thinking of him, or his accent for that matter as a stray thought entered her mind. It was a nice accent though, Jac told herself. She couldn't help herself, she smiled. Jac paused, clutching a form between her thumb and forefinger, pondering if Jonny was thinking about her. He probably wasn't, she thought with a sad sigh. He barely looked at her these days. He wouldn't even talk to her alone. Jac placed the form into the drawer. What do I do? I need him to be there for me, for us. But he doesn't want anything to do with me? I need to tell him I'm sorry. He'll never believe you, said a second voice in her head. Jac's mind was fighting furiously with itself. You're nothing to him now. You had your chance with him and you blew it. Jac clenched her fist around the pen. There's always a chance, if you give up you'll never know what could have been. The pen nib was digging into her skin but Jac was too wrapped up in her thoughts to notice.

Stop wasting your life, his life. You have to let him go. Accept that it was never meant to be and let you both move on from this. But I don't want to move on, the first voice countered. I don't want to forget about him. I love him. The second voice stirred. You loved Joseph too, remember? Where is he now? That's right, he married someone else. You're damaged goods Jac. A droplet of blood dribbled down the palm of her hand where the pen nib had pierced her skin. Jac winced as the cut stung. I'm not damaged goods. I'm not. The first voice was defiant but it fought a losing battle. Yes, you are, you're spoilt. You're broken. You're worthless. Look at yourself. Go on, take a long hard look at yourself. You're pregnant with the child of a man who wants nothing more to do with you. How do you sleep at night? Jac closed her eyes. I don't, she thought. I haven't slept a whole night in weeks. Exactly, the second voice told her. You can't sleep because you know you deserve to be punished. But there's nothing you can do to make this right. You brought it on yourself...Jac felt the pen snap with a sharp crack. Her hand was shaking as the shards fell to the floor. The cut was still bleeding but Jac did not care.

Jonny

You're a stupid idiot Jonny Mac. A stupid, stupid, idiot. Jonny paced outside his flat muttering to himself and cursing. She wanted to talk to you. Maybe she wanted to make it right? But, no, you had to call it off. Pretended you were busy just so you could get away. He rung his hands through his hair with exasperation. Don't beat yourself up, it probably wasn't important. I expect Jac just wanted to make a snide remark about nursing or some other such crap that came out of her mouth these days. Ugh. What did I ever see in her? Jonny shook his head. No, that's not fair. I'm not like that. I'm not that person. She made a mistake Jonny. Maybe she wants to put it right?

Jonny stopped pacing to look up at the moonless sky. The blackness of it all felt slightly foreboding, there was no light to guide the way. It was cold too. Much colder than it had been half an hour ago; Jonny regretted his decision not to wear a coat as the wind began to pick up. He didn't care too much though, his mind was working overtime. That long ginger hair, so perfectly combed and so very, very soft. And the way she brushed it out of her eyes with her delicate hands. I miss that. I miss all of it. I miss the way she used to smile at me out of the corner of her mouth. I miss the secret meetings. I miss making her happy. But I can't go back. No, I just can't. Too much has happened this time. Maybe we're not right for each other? Jonny started to pace again, then he stopped for a second time and stared out into the horizon. The city was sleeping, the sounds of life few and far between. None of them cared about his relationship with Jac Naylor, he doubted if they even knew who he was. They would just go about their lives as normal, day by day. Waiting for the inevitable. Perhaps he would see them on Darwin one day. Or perhaps he wouldn't. Jonny breathed heavily as he watched the lights go out one by one in the apartments across the road. Maybe I should fight for her...

TO BE CONTINUED