The Incident
Sirius
»Please, tell me you're joking! «, James cried after I had told him what I had just done.
»Well, not exactly. What's the big deal? The git deserves it after what he's done last time. «, I tried to defend myself. Really, I didn't even do anything wrong, It's not like anyone's gonna die.
»For fuck's sake, do you want him to get killed? «
Apparently, James disagreed. Before I had the chance to explain myself any further, James ran out of the room. I swallowed. I didn't do anything wrong, or did I? I recalled the conversation I had had with my arch enemy Severus Snivellus Snape.
»Oi, Black! Is it true? Your brother told me you've been thrown out! «
»Why, Snivellus, I didn't know you cared? «
»Oh I don't. Just think it's quite hilarious. Found out you're a faggot, did they? «
»Fuck you, Snape! «
»Touchy. «
»I wouldn't grin like that if I were you. But then again, you've probably no idea of what your precious girlfriend is up to. Or does she still not let you get some? «
»What the fuck are you talking about? «
»Evans? She's got a date with James, you know. You should hurry if you wanna get there in time. They're meeting in the Shack. «
»You bloody – if this is some kind of sick joke, I will - «
But I never got the chance to find out what Snivellus would do, although I had a pretty good idea. Of course it had been a joke. The chances of James and Evans going on a date were about as realistic as Snape and I becoming best mates. Or the chances that my so called family welcomed me back into their inner circle. It was true, I had been thrown out at home three months ago, after my dear mother had found out I was screwing boys as well as girls. She had gone totally ballistic, screamed and shouted what a disgrace of the family I was, the biggest disappointment she had ever seen, I ought to be ashamed of myself and so on and so on. My father was different. He had always been the one who solved problems with his bare hands and usually I was the problem, so when he had stormed into my room and locked the door I hadn't been surprised. Not really. After nearly eighteen years in that house I had gotten fairly used to being beaten up, that particular day, however, had been worse than anything I had experienced thus far. The result had been two broken ribs, a broken wrist, more bruises than I could count, a slight concussion, a missing tooth and a swollen eye so I had been more or less half blind for weeks. I didn't even remember how I had gotten out of there but somehow I had managed to drag myself across half the town until I had reached the Potter Mansion, where I had collapse on the door mat and then woken up hours later in the hospital. After that, Fleamont and Euphemia Potter had taken me in and treated me like a second son. It wasn't too hard, really; James and I had known each other since prep school and after that we had been going to the same private school, much to the dislike of my parents who thought of the Potters as new – rich scum.
Completely out of breath I arrived at the river. The Shack was just on the other side of the water and the only way across was over a fallen tree. James and I knew that the tree wouldn't last much longer. It had been there for ages and the weather as well as various people climbing over it ever since had made it rotten and instable. From where I was standing I could see the dark figure of Severus Snape approaching the tree and a good hundred feet behind him was James, running like the devil himself was after him.
»Snape! «, I could hear James shouting across the lawn, but apparently Snape didn't; or, and that seemed just as likely, he chose to ignore it.
»Snape, stop! «
Snape set a first step on the trunk and I considered running as well. There was no way I could reach him before James but at least I could try and James would probably need help once he reached Snape; so I ran. I wasn't quite sure what happened next. Just when I reached the tree I could see James grasping Snape's arm, they were fighting and shouting but I couldn't make out the words, the trunk was moving dangerously and I knew what would happen next. I could literally see the wood breaking, just when James had managed to push Snape to the save ground. I let out a cry of horror and ran even faster. The current below had carried James onto a couple of rocks rising out of the water. Without even thinking twice I jumped, fighting against the tide I reached James and lifted him up, so he wouldn't drown. He seemed to be unconscious and a small stream of blood was running down his temple.
James
One day that boy is going to be my death.
»Please, tell me you're joking! « I cried after Sirius had told me about his little encounter with Snivellus. True, the boy was a pain in the arse (Snape not Sirius, although…) but even he didn't deserve to drown in a river while trying to spy on his friend who wasn't even there to spy on. I didn't know what Snape had said that had caused Sirius to freak out like that but then again when Snape was concerned it never took much to push either of us over the edge.
I wasn't even really listening as Sirius tried to explain himself, all I could think of was that I should do something. I hated Snape but I didn't want to be responsible for his death and I certainly didn't want Sirius to be the one who caused it. So while running towards the woods I mentally cursed my best friend and swore to myself that he definitely would pay for this one. I had been very sympathetic the last three months but I had to draw a line somewhere, that somewhere was definitely reached now. I still remembered every detail about that night, though. That night when Sirius had shown up at our door in the middle of the night, looking like he was this close to death. I think I had actually cried when I had seen my best friend looking like a zombie. We had gotten him to the hospital immediately and I had refused to sleep until the doctor could assure us that Sirius was going to be fine. Gladly, my parents hadn't needed to think twice about letting Sirius live with us. It had taken him almost all these three months until he could bring himself to actually tell me what had happened that night; I had cried again. It was just so bloody unfair. He deserved so much more than his shitty relatives with their shitty, old – fashioned traditions and morals and I wished I could do something to help him, but I couldn't. The fact that Sirius was Pansexual was no surprise for me at all. It was typical, really, and just so Sirius – ly (damn that name), it had always been 'go big or go home' and when Sirius went somewhere he always went the whole way, no regrets, no hesitations, no inhibitions. That his family wouldn't like it, was also no surprise but never would I have thought that they would nearly kill their own son for something so trivial. I –
My thoughts stopped. I could see Snape very near by the old trunk that led across the river to the Shack. The Shack wasn't actually a shack but a treehouse but for some reason everyone referred to it as 'the Shack'.
»Snape! « I called out but the other boy didn't react. Bollocks. I sped up, from the corner of my eye I thought I could see someone standing by the trees but I didn't have time to take a closer look. Snape almost reached the river now and I tried again.
»Snape, stop! «
Still no reaction.
One step on the trunk.
I was still a few feet away.
Another step.
I could practically hear the wood cracking under the weight of the body.
Finally, I reached the end of the fallen tree, Snape's head spun around when I grabbed his arm, his eyes filled with both anger and fear.
»Let go off me, Potter! «, he said.
»I will when you get off that trunk. «
»Don't tell me what to do! «
»I mean it Snape. Get. Off. That. Trunk. It's gonna break down any minute. «
»You can't scare me, Potter! «
»Oh, for fuck's sake! «
I pulled. It was risky and I had probably lost my mind for doing it but the tree had been moving disturbingly, ever since I had arrived and I really didn't want to push my luck. I pushed Snape onto the save ground and just when I intended to follow, the tree gave in. I hit the cold water and everything went black.
Remus
I didn't really know what it was that woke me up. Everything was quiet and peaceful; the sun threw its rays through the window and I could feel the warmth on my face and my blanket was cuddly and comfortable. I opened my eyes and looked at a very familiar face.
»Morning, beautiful. «, said Lily, smiling at me. I blinked. It was my third week at the hospital and I slowly got used to it but waking up every morning and finding Lily sitting right next to my bed was still a pleasant surprise.
I smiled back, »Morning. «
»How do you feel today? «, she looked slightly worried as always when she asked that question. I couldn't blame her. I would be worried too if it was her laying in this bed.
»I'm…okay. «, I said after some consideration. It wasn't a lie. I really did feel okay, but seeing as it was only eight in the morning that didn't have to mean much.
»How are you? «, I asked back. I was kind of awake now and I noticed the dark circles around her eyes. »Have you slept at all? «
»I'm fine. «, she said and I knew she was lying. Lily and I knew each other for ten years now, she was my best friend and the only person that had bothered to visit me this far.
»You're not. « I decided but before I could say anything more the nurse came in, followed by Dr. Pomfrey.
»Ah, Mister Lupin, good morning. How do you feel today? «, she asked. Doctor Pomfrey was a sturdy woman with grey hair and blue eyes that managed to simultaneously look strict and warm – hearted at the same time.
»Not so bad. « I answered and endured the every – morning procedure.
»Excellent. Enjoy you breakfast and then you've got therapy at eleven. «
She left and Peter, the nurse brought in a tray with coffee, tea, orange juice and toasts. While I was nibbling my breakfast I kept my eyes on Lily. She really was beautiful; tall and skinny but with a rather athletic body. Her red hair was gleaming in the sun and her nose was covered with several freckles.
»You're not. «, I said again, continuing the conversation from earlier. Lily furrowed her brow, looking at him but then it seemed to dawn on her what I was talking about and she shook her head.
»It's nothing, really. Just didn't sleep much last night. «
I nodded. She still wasn't absolutely honest but I knew that there was no use in pushing her, if she wanted to talk, she would eventually. I looked on the clock at the wall (9:30) and decided that there was more than enough time for a shower.
»Why don't you go home and try to catch up on that sleep. I'm going to have a shower now and then I've got therapy so you would be bored here anyway. «, I said, smiling at her encouraging. Lily nodded although she didn't look to happy about my suggestion.
»You can come back later. «, I offered and eventually she gave in.
»See you later, Re. «
»See you, Lils. «
She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and left the room; I finished my breakfast and went to the shower room.
At eleven o'clock I went to Dr. Dumbledore. My therapist was a peculiar man. He was very old, with a long, silver beard and hear and loads of wrinkles. He always wore half-moon spectacles and his eyes were of bright blue colour that seemed to x – ray anyone they looked at. But despite his strangeness I was rather fond of him.
»Hello Remus. «, he greeted me from his big armchair and pointed on the sofa for me to sit down.
»Morning. «, I answered and did as I was bid.
»How did you sleep? «
»Well. «
»Good. Now, I'd like you to tell me something about your family. You still live with them don't you? «
»I do. My dad died when I was seven during a car accident. We came back from our holiday and some idiot in a lorry pulled over without seeing us and…he was dead immediately. Mum and I survived but she never got into a car after that again. My dad he was…brilliant. He was the best dad anyone could think of. Funny and clever and always there for mum and me. «
»Tell me about him. «
»He was a teacher. English and History. When I was little I used to have these nightmares and I would wake up almost every night kicking and screaming and crying and mum never quite knew how to deal with that. Dad did. Whenever it happened he would come into my room, sit down next to my bed and then he would read to me until I was asleep again. It didn't really matter what he was reading, as long as he did. «
»What kind of nightmares did you have? «
»Fire. There was always fire. «
»Did you ever have bad experience with fire? «
»No. «
»And what about your mother? «
»She…she is different. Always has been. She used to be very strict, she's a bit of a choleric person. Quite aggressive. When she gets angry she yells a lot and then she said things she doesn't mean to say. After dad died…after he had died it got even worse. I remember her crying a lot a but we never talked about it. When I was ten I came home from school and I found her sitting at the kitchen table, crying and I asked her what was wrong and she practically exploded and shouted at me, asked me what I would think was wrong and that I should use my goddam brain and I should leave her alone. I did leave her alone. I don't even know where I went but when it became dark I went to the Shack, y'know, the treehouse across the river, and I spend the night there and when I got home the next day somewhen during the late afternoon, she hadn't even noticed I'd been gone. About a year ago she met this new fella, Fenrir Greyback, he disliked me right from the beginning but she seems quite happy with him. «
»Why do you think he dislikes you? «
»Said it himself. He always tells me what a lazy bastard I am, sloppy, a waste of time and space and that I wasn't a real man because I rather stay inside, reading or doing school work than going to parties every weekend. He always makes fun of me because I'm actually quite a good student and I want to be a teacher, just like dad was and he always says that real men don't become teachers, those were only weak, pathetic poofs. At some point he found out that I actually was a poof, that kind of only made it worse. He drinks a lot and he's kind of responsible that we don't really have much money anymore. After dad died, mum lost her job. She'd been working as a secretary for the Black Cooperation law office but then she got fired and now she's working at the Hog's Head Inn as a waitress and char. «
I shivered slightly at the thought of the gloomy, dirty pub. I had only entered it once and that was definitely one time too much. I watched Dr. Dumbledore eagerly scribbling into his notepad and wondered, not for the first time, what would have been if dad was still alive. Dumbledore looked up, piercing me with his clear, blue eyes.
»Alright Remus, now, I'd like you to tell me about the day of your suicide attempt. Everything that comes to your mind, even if it might seem trivial. «
I swallowed. This was the first time that I was actually supposed to talk about that day. The incident. I closed my eyes and the memories rushed over me.
It was a Saturday morning and just like all Saturday mornings this one should be lazy and comfortable and good. But it wasn't. I felt miserable. That per se wasn't so much of a surprise. I woke up every other morning feeling like utter shit for no particular reason but this Saturday morning it was worse than anything I had experienced thus far. My mobile buzzed. It was text from Lily
(9:30; from: Lily E.)
Morning. I'm so sorry, I know we wanted to meet up for lunch today but Alice just called and she's got a major crisis with Frank and I really ought to help her. I'll make it up to you though, I promise.
A sudden wave of relief rushed over me, immediately followed by guilt. I really shouldn't be so happy that my best friend just cancelled our planes for today but I couldn't help it. I was always more comfortable alone at home than outside with anyone, even if it was Lily. Chattering noise from the kitchen told me that mum and Fenrir were already up but I didn't want to face them, let alone talk to them so I decided to go to the bathroom and them straight back to bed. Stopping in front of the mirror I threw a quick glance at my reflection. It was summer so I was sleeping just in my boxers and my bare chest was exposed to my eyes. I preferred winter. At least then no one would give me strange looks for wearing long – sleeved shirts. My arms as well as my chest were covered with scars. Some were thin and hardly noticeable, others were ugly and fairly obvious. I didn't even remember when I had first started cutting myself; I must have been 13 or 14 but I just couldn't stop. I saw my face screwing up in disgust and quickly turned away from the mirror, heading back to my room. Fenrir must have heard me because a minute later he stood in my doorway.
»Get up, you lazy shit. «, he commanded.
»Why? It's Saturday I don't have to do anything. «, I responded trying to not sound too cheeky.
»That so? Get up, now! «
»Why? «
»Because I say so. «, he snarled and usually that would have sufficed to make me jump up immediately but not that morning. I wasn't scared. I wasn't angry either. I didn't feel anything and it was wonderful.
»I don't have to do what you tell me. «, I said quietly and turned around.
»What was that? What did you say, you little faggot? «
»Nothing. «
»Thought so. Now, you've got five minutes to move your arse to the kitchen, or else…«, leaving his thread unfinished, Fenrir turned around and left my room, leaving the door open. I never went to the kitchen. Instead I just got dressed and left the house. I was walking down the street and the sun was shining down on me but I was freezing. Goosebumps un my skin. There were no people. The streets were empty as my feet carried me towards the woods. I reached the river, my eyes fixed on the treehouse on the other side. I stepped on the trunk of the fallen tree and slowly moved across it. The wood was cracking and moving, I knew that it wouldn't last much longer and that it was quite dangerous to use by now but I didn't care. Falling down and drowning in that river didn't seem like a bad option; but I didn't. I crossed the river and climbed the ladder up to the Shack. I remembered how dad and I had built it. It had been a few months before the accident and every time I came back here I could still see us driving nails into the wood and carrying blankets and cushions across the river. Now, over ten years later I was sitting in my favourite spot, looking down on the water, silent tiers were running down my cheeks the numbness from before was gone. I felt like screaming but no sound escaped my lips, I was burning up inside, my skin freezing, I was suffocating but all I could do was sitting there alive. What for? My hand wandered down to my pocket, sliding inside and closing up around the handle of my knife.
I closed my eyes.
Breath in.
My hand pulled the knife out of the pocket.
Breath out.
I opened my eyes.
Breath in.
My eyes fell upon the knife in my hand.
Breath out.
I knew what I had to do.
My hands where shivering ever so slightly as I unlocked my mobile phone, however, when I started recording the voice massage my voice was firm and certain.
'Hey Lils, when you hear this it will probably be too late. You know me, I'm no good at this kind of stuff. Good byes. But I owe this to you because you are the best person in my whole bloody life, the only one that was always really there for me, the only one I could trust and I can only apologize for letting you down but I don't have another choice. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired. Lily, so tired. One minute everything is okay and I can stand in the middle of the street or be with you and I laugh at the jokes you tell me and then it hits me and I choke on that laugher because it is just so wrong and everything around me is caving in, crashing like a card house and I can't stop it…I can't stop it and I don't want to be strong any longer. I give up. I'm sorry.'
Breath in.
A dull 'phlop' told me that the mobile dropped to the ground.
Breath out.
I raised the knife.
Breath in.
The blade touched my skin. A soft kiss. A gentle stroke.
Breath out.
Blood dripping down my arm.
Breath in.
I smile.
Breath out.
I'm sorry.
After I finished recalling that fatal day I realised that I had been crying. Hot tears were running down my face and I felt empty. It was a different kind of empty than what I was used to; comforting and tiring. Dr. Dumbledore told me that the session was over and that I might want to consider getting some sleep. I couldn't agree more and was only too happy to be back in my bed.
