ARCHIE: Good morning Zelena. Come on in! Have a seat. That's good. Now, do you understand why you're here?
ZELENA: Because my goody-goody sister insisted that I see you before I can be regarded as a suitable guardian for my own baby.
ARCHIE: Regina wanted me to make a professional assessment of your current mental state. It's for your sake as well as your child's.
ZELENA: Great.
ARCHIE: Don't worry. I won't keep you long and I promise it'll be painless.
ZELENA: That's probably what Henry VIII said to each of his wives before he murdered them.
ARCHIE: I'm not Henry VIII.
ZELENA: That might have been preferable. You're a cockroach aren't you?
ARCHIE: Cricket, actually! Back home, I was a cricket.
ZELENA: Whatever! Look, can we speed this along?
ARCHIE: Do you have somewhere you'd rather be?
ZELENA: Yes! I want to get back to my baby.
ARCHIE: Robin? That's her name isn't it?
ZELENA: Yes.
ARCHIE: After her father?
ZELENA: Yes, alright yes! I'm sorry I tricked him etc etc! That's what you want to hear, right? Regina told you to bring him up didn't she?! But for your information, I suffered through that too! Do you think I actually enjoyed up being cooped up in that hole of an apartment with Downton Shabby? He got excited when he saw the indoor toilet for goodness sake!
ARCHIE: Why did you do it if it gave you no pleasure?
ZELENA: To get back at Regina of course!
ARCHIE: You had strong feelings of jealousy towards your sister, isn't that right?
ZELENA: She got everything and I got nothing!
ARCHIE: You think she has everything?
ZELENA: Well, duh! Madam Mayor has this whole bloody town under her thumb. She has a nice house, a son, our mother's love, Rumplestiltskin as her teacher, a hot blonde girlfriend...
ARCHIE: What was that last one?
ZELENA: Oh, sorry! I forgot that's meant to be subtext and we're supposed to pretend nothing's happening.
ARCHIE: Let's get back to Robin for a minute. The Robin who was Regina's boyfriend.
ZELENA: Oh yes. Regina really has a type doesn't she? Give her a blonde, former thief with a bird name and my sister starts shooting fireballs.
ARCHIE: Robin died recently. How do you feel about that?
ZELENA: Well, it gave me full custody of the baby. And I have my sister to myself without him to constantly remind her of my treachery. So I can't pretend to be totally devastated.
ARCHIE: Do you feel any sorrow?
ZELENA: Maybe a little. But mostly for Regina. And the Outlaw Queen fans. At least I got a good look under Robin's hood but they weren't as lucky.
ARCHIE: So you feel empathy for Regina? I understand you recently lost a lover as well.
ZELENA: Oh god. You really are across all the gossip aren't you? Do you sit on people's walls and eavesdrop?
ARCHIE: Tell me about Hades, Zelena.
ZELENA: Do you have any whisky? I can't do this without a drink.
ARCHIE: I'm afraid not. I'm a therapist not a bartender.
ZELENA: Well, maybe you should be. Bartenders probably hear more about people's problems than you ever will.
ARCHIE: How did you feel about Hades?
ZELENA: We were lovers, weren't we? Shared a True Love's Kiss and everything.
ARCHIE: I hear you got his heart beating.
ZELENA: Well, he certainly had that effect on me, so I'm glad I could return the favour.
ARCHIE: You fell in love during a bike ride in Oz?
ZELENA: Yes. It was night and I wanted to rip out the scarecrow's brain. Hades generously offered to help and we hunted down Dorothy and her straw man on that bike. Best time EVER!
ARCHIE: How romantic. But it sounds like it happened pretty fast.
ZELENA: Faster than a flying monkey. But we were over the rainbow, he was a god...in those circumstances it seemed normal.
ARCHIE: It must have been very hard when he died.
ZELENA: Died? Obliterated you mean! I had to stab him through the heart with that bloody crystal. So much for having True Love.
ARCHIE: How are you holding up?
ZELENA: Well, it hasn't been a barrell of laughs, but I'm alright I guess. I have my baby and my sister and everyone's been nice to me considering how horrible I've been to them.
ARCHIE: Any resentment at having that happiness ripped away from you so suddenly?
ZELENA: Some, I suppose. But I am a villain, aren't I? I'm not entitled to a happy ending. I have to say, at least I'm not trapped in a box under a sleeping curse from which no one will wake me. That's a rum deal if ever there was one!
ARCHIE: Well Zelena, our time's nearly up.
ZELENA: I can go?! Thank heavens the torture's over.
ARCHIE: I want to say how glad I am that we had this chat. Initially, I thought I'd have to put you on anti-psychotics, but you are making great progress. By the end of Season 6, you might actually be fully redeemed.
ZELENA: I hope so. Because I'm willing to pray to my dead lover's rival sibling to never have to set foot in your crummy little office ever again!
ARCHIE: Goodbye Zelena.
