The Coitus Conundrum Prologue J. Franklin

THE COITUS CONUNDRUM

PROLOGUE

(SCENE: SHELDON and LEONARD's apartment. The lights are off and it is clearly night time. The main door opens and we see BERNADETTE switch on the light.)

BERNADETTE: Okay, bring him in.

(The door widens and we see PENNY and AMY helping a clearly intoxicated RAJ into the apartment.)

AMY: (Straining under the weight) That does it. After tonight, he has to learn to talk to women without alcohol!

PENNY: Just help me get him over to the sofa.

RAJ: TURN ON YOUR HEARTLIGHT!

AMY: And this is the last time we carpool to the Cal Tech awards dinner, too! I've had all the Neil Diamond I can stand tonight.

PENNY: I thought you said you liked Neil Diamond.

AMY: I did. But you can only hear "Hello, Again" sung in an Indian accent five or six times before it really starts to lose its appeal.

RAJ: LET IT SHINE WHEREVER YOU GO! LET IT MAKE A HAPPY GLOW!

PENNY: C'mon. Over to the sofa! (They drag RAJ to the sofa and place him face down.)

AMY: Whew!

PENNY: You said it. Thank God that's over with.

BERNADETTE: You said it. It's a good thing the worst is behind us now!

PENNY: I wouldn't be so sure of that.

AMY: Why?

(The door opens. We see LEONARD and HOWARD helping an equally intoxicated SHELDON into the room. He is wearing only his dress shirt, a tie, and jockey shorts.)

HOWARD: (Groaning) You're his roommate. Next year, you're doing this with him by yourself.

LEONARD: (Whining) It's not my fault! You know how much he hates public speaking! The only way he'll go is if he has a few drinks first.

HOWARD: Yeah, well, I think a "few" obviously has different meanings to an engineer vs. a physicist!

SHELDON: (Snapping to consciousness) HELLO, AGAIN! MY FRIEND, HELLO!

HOWARD: And next year we're all taking separate cars, too!

LEONARD: Whatever. (Groans) Look, just help me get him into bed, will you? He has to sleep this off before his mother gets here tomorrow.

SHELDON: LET IT SHINE WHEREVER YOU GO! LET IT MAKE A HAPPY GLOW!

AMY: (Rushing to help) I thought you only gave him two glasses of wine!

LEONARD: Well, according to Sheldon, quantity is relative.

HOWARD: Yeah, well, relatively speaking, I think five glasses is enough.

LEONARD: Oh, really? This from the man who kept refilling his glass!

AMY: (Snapping into focus) Wait. Sheldon's mother is coming tomorrow?

LEONARD: Yes. She couldn't be here for the award ceremony, so she's coming in tomorrow to help Sheldon celebrate.

HOWARD: Good thing she didn't come tonight or she could have seen more of Sheldon like the rest of us!

PENNY: Just be careful! I'll go down to the car and get the rest of his clothes!

BERNADETTE: I'll come with you! (They leave. HOWARD and LEONARD begin dragging SHELDON to the back hallway.)

LEONARD: And I don't understand why he has to take his clothes off whenever he drinks!

HOWARD: Look on the bright side. Most people probably passed on the dessert by the time he got down to his undershorts. (They turn the corner.)

AMY: Well, if nothing else, we can at least take some comfort in knowing the worst is now behind us!

(We hear the sound of SHELDON regurgitating, followed by a splashing noise.)

LEONARD: Actually, it just got a whole lot worse!

(Cut to: Opening credits)

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