Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Star Wars, The Wizard of Oz, Phantom of the Opera, Potter Puppet Pals, Pokemon, or any of the characters from any of these franchises. Unfortunately.

So the original title of this was Lord of the Rings / Harry Potter / Pirates of the Caribbean / Star Wars / Hamlet / Psych, with Albert the Male Unicorn, Who Likes to Say "The Kraken!" (With an Irish Accent)'. But that was just a little long. You have been warned.

And even though I make fun of pretty much every character there is, I promise I really do like them all ;)


The Almost Fellowship of the Ring

Bilbo was a hobbit. Bilbo had a shiny ring.

Bilbo: Shiny!

Bilbo's friend Gandalf told him that it was a very bad ring.

Gandalf: Bilbo, it's a bad ring. A very bad ring.

Bilbo: Oh, dear.

Gandalf: You must save the world by taking the Ring to Mordor and throwing it in the fire from whence it came!

Bilbo: Did you really just say 'whence'?

Gandalf: It's such a fun word. Whence, whence, whence, whence...

Gandalf wandered off for a while. In the meantime, Bilbo gave the Ring to his nephew, Frodo.

Bilbo: Here you go, little Frodo, have a ring! I'll just pop off now!

Frodo: Bon voyage! Hey, wait a minute...

Frodo's friends Sam, Merry, and Pippin showed up.

Frodo: Well, looks like we're going to Mordor, chaps.

Pippin: Is this, like, negotiable?

Frodo: No.

Pippin: [sighs] All right, fine. I promise I won't do anything stupid.

Merry: Yeah, right.

The hobbits set out for Mordor. Unfortunately, due to a slight weather delay, they missed their connecting flight in Bree.

Bree Spokesman: Welcome to Bree!

Merry: Go away.

Spokesman: Rude.

The hobbits met a mysterious man of mystery called Aragorn.

Sam: Anyone else getting major creepy vibes from this guy?

Aragorn: It's kewl, yo! Gandalf's my homedawg!

Sam: Seriously, creepy vibes? Anyone at all?... No?

Frodo: You're tight with Gandalf? You can come with us, since I don't hear any protests from those assembled.

Sam: What am I, chopped liver?

The group set out a-questing (again), and soon came to a hill called Weathertop.

Pippin: Ooh, ruins!

Merry: Ringwraiths! Yipe!

Sam: They got Frodo!

Aragorn: Ha! I've got fire!

The ringwraiths were startled, to say the least.

Ringwraith 1: I think I wet myself...

Ringwraith 2: Again?

Ringwraith 3: Despite the fact that we live next door to a volcano and technically cannot die, we're all terrified of this one guy with a flaming stick!

Ringwraiths 4-9: Run away!

The wraiths beat a hasty retreat.

Sam: Aragorn! Frodo's been stabbed! Whatever shall we do?

Aragorn: Stuff some weed in the wound, that should help.

Merry: Weed?

Aragorn: Oops. I meant 'weeds', plural. You know... just some plants.

Merry: ...Right.

Sam: Okay, what now?

Aragorn: Ummm...

Sam, Merry, and Pippin: [facepalm]

Aragorn: Oh, oh! I know! Let's take him to the elves!

Pippin: Isn't that where we were already going?

Aragorn: What?

Arwen rode up on a Harley.

Merry: Speak of the devil! An elf!

Sam: Shouldn't you be riding a horse?

Arwen: Not badass enough.

Sam: Ah.

Arwen: Now quick, give me Frodo so I can take him to Rivendell, leaving my boyfriend behind and hoping that he won't be brutally murdered by ringwraiths!

Aragorn: Kays! Here you go!

Arwen: Later, future hubby!

Sam: Are we sure this is a good idea?

Pippin: She's taking the hobbit to Isengard!

Merry: That's not til later, idiot.

So Arwen took Frodo safely to Rivendell, where the elves administered a healing potion not yet discovered by the likes of men or hobbits, that is known as 'penicillin'.

Gandalf was there, too.

Frodo: Gandalf! Where the **** have you been?

Gandalf: Sorry, Frodo, old buddy, old pal, I was - um - busy.

Frodo: Really? I nearly die and all you can give me is 'busy'?

Gandalf: [shrugs] They told me I was supposed to be all secretive-like in this scene. Now c'mon. You're wanted for a big council-y thingy, or somesuch.

Later, at the Council...

Legolas (the super-hot elf): That ring was made by a big, bad, archetypal villain character! It must be destroyed!

Gimli the Dwarf got po'ed.

Gimli: Oh, like I'm gonna let a bloody elf have that thing!

Aragorn: [behind his hand to Boromir] I think it's that time of the month.

Boromir: [snickers]

Gimli: I heard that!

Frodo: Screw this! Give it here, I'll do it!

Gandalf: If you want something done right, do it yourself, eh? I'm with you, buddy!

Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, Sam, Merry, and Pippin: Me, too!

Elrond: Well, looks like we've filled our quota, folks, so thanks for playing! See ya'll later! You know... if you survive and all that.

They left Rivendell, and Frodo realized that he didn't have the slightest clue where to go.

Frodo: Heey, Gandalf! You're all smart-ish like! Which way to Mordor, old chap?

Gandalf: I believe Mordor is to the right.

Frodo: Okey-dokey! Right it is!

Five minutes later...

Gandalf: Psst! Frodo! I think I was wrong.

Frodo: What clued you in? Couldn't have been this signpost that says 'This way to Mordor' pointing back the way we came!

Gandalf: I said I believed Mordor was to the right. I didn't say you had to believe it as well.

And so, with much grumbling about whether their guide was actually qualified to lead anybody anywhere, the Fellowship of the Ring set off for Mordor. They soon came to an enormous mountain called Caradhras, which was surrounded by unseasonably snowy weather.

Gandalf: Ooo! A big mountain! Let's climb it!

Everyone else: ...

~Cricket, cricket.~

Gandalf: C'mon! It'll be fun!

So the Fellowship began to climb Caradhras.

Gimli: 'Let's climb Caradhras,' he said. 'It'll be fun,' he said.

Gandalf: Shut up.

Suddenly, Frodo fell and dropped the Ring. I'm not sure how that's physically possible since he was wearing it around his neck, but I digress. Anyway, Frodo dropped the Ring, and Boromir was on it like an STD on the cast of Jersey Shore.

Boromir: Pretty ring...

Aragorn: I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that's not yours.

Boromir: Preeetty...

Aragorn: Yo! Dawg!

Boromir: Whoops! Here you go, Fro...

Hermione: You're a poet, and you didn't know it!

The Fellowship of the Ring collectively pissed their pants.

Gandalf: Who the **** are you?!

Hermione: I'm Hermione Granger! [notices Legolas] Oh! Heeey! You're so hot, I'm surprised you don't melt all the snow!

Legolas: God help me.

Ron: Hey! You're supposed to fall in love with me, Hermione!

Hermione: Can it, Carrot-top!

Harry: Guys, guys! Can't we all just - [notices the Fellowship] Uh... hi...

Gimli: And you are?

Harry: I'm Harry Potter!

Sam: And you came from where, exactly?

Harry: I'm Harry Potter!

Sam: What?

Hermione: He's stuck in a loop.

Ron: He does that.

Harry: I'm Harry Potter!

Ron: We ran away from Hogwarts and Apparated out of Hogsmeade to escape from Professor Snape!

Gandalf: You ran away from where and did what out of where else to escape from who?

Frodo: Forget that. You chappies need to go right back to wherever you came from.

Hermione: Why?

Aragorn: 'Cause we're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz!

Hobbits: [in chorus] Follow the yellow brick road! Follow the yellow brick road!

Gandalf: [sings] He's theeeere, the Phantom of the Operaaaa!

Aragorn: How many times do I have to tell you, those are two completely different musicals?!

Ron: ...What?

Aragorn: Jk. We're going to Mordor to chuck this-here ring into a big-ass volcano. We'll probably all die, but what's life without a little pressure, eh?

Hermione: I liked the first story better.

Ron: We'll all die? Dobby's sock!

Pippin: Dobby's sock? What the **** does that mean?

Ron: ****? What the Dobby's sock does that mean?

Pippin: Dobby's sock!

Ron: ****!

Pippin: Dobby's sock!

Ron: ****!

Frodo: Anywho... you dudes should clear out.

Harry: Nah, it's kewl! We're totally used to danger and all that fun stuff!

Hermione: Yeah! We want to come!

Gimli: ...Whatever.

So then the Fellowship (plus Harry, Ron, and Hermione) climbed a mountain, got a crap-load of snow dumped on them, and turned around to go through the dreaded Mines of Moria instead. [Imagine ominous music playing.]

In the Mines of Moria, they got attacked by a crap-load of orcs, and Ron wet his pants. And then Neville wet his pants. But then Neville disappeared, so nobody really noticed.

Pippin: Orcs! Yikes! [enter enormous cave troll] And a cave troll! Dobby's sock!

Harry: Shut up with the Dobby's ****ing sock, already!

Ron: Wingardium Leviosa!

Hermione: This one's not holding a club, butt-munch.

Ron: Oh.

Legolas: Say, here's a novel idea! Why don't you all shut up and help kill this thing!

Hermione: I'll help you, Legolas!

Legolas: Anyone else? Seriously, anyone at all? Anyone? …No? [sighs] Fine. [hands her a bow and some arrows] Try not to shoot yourself.

Hermione: [shoots herself] Ow! My foot!

Legolas: Oh, ****.

The fight ensued. Harry and Ron fired off curses left and right – until they realized it wasn't working and hid behind a pillar, crying like little girls. Hermione hopped around on one foot because there was an arrow in her other one. Neville appeared again, wet himself again, and disappeared again. Again, nobody noticed except for one orc, who ran away screaming about witchcraft.

Orc 1: Witchcraft!

Orc 2: Que pasa?

Orc 1: Witchcraft!

Orc 2: Okey-dokey then.

Legolas finally killed the cave troll with arrows super-charged by an excess of sexiness. The Fellowship continued on until…

A wild Balrog appears! [more ominous music]

Balrog: Well, hi there, guys!

Gandalf: A Balrog! SHIZ! [runs out to stand heroically in the middle of the bridge] You shan't pass!

Merry: …'Shan't'?

Balrog: [confused] But I just wanted to say hi –

Gandalf: [cracks the bridge with his staff] Ha! You shan't pass.

Merry: Can we make him stop saying that?

Balrog: Wait, you don't understand – [the bridge cracks. the Balrog falls. Gandalf falls.] Oh nooooooo!

Gandalf: Shiiiiiiiiiz!

Orcs: [shoot at Fellowship]

Gandalf: Fly, you fools!

Pippin: We don't know how.

The Fellowship ran away, and eventually came to the forest of Lothlorien. The elves there adopted Legolas as a long-lost cousin, essentially ostracized Hermione because she tended to follow them around and drool a lot, gave the whole Fellowship magical-ish grey cloaks, food, and boats, and sent them packing.

The Fellowship sailed down a big river until they reached a waterfall. Boromir went to gather some firewood.

Aragorn: Hey, Frodo, you probably shouldn't wander off.

Frodo: Okay.

Frodo wandered off.

Boromir: Give me the Ring!

Frodo: No! [puts on the Ring and runs away]

Boromir: Well, that didn't work out quite the way I'd hoped.

Darth Vadar: Yeah, that happens to me a lot.

Boromir: What the ****?!

Orcs: ATTACK!

Fellowship: Uh-oh.

Boromir: [dies]

Legolas: [looks sexy]

Merry and Pippin: [get abducted by orcs]

Orcs: [run away]

Frodo and Sam: [leave]

Legolas: [continues looking sexy]

Aragorn: Let's go follow Merry and Pippin, and abandon Frodo and Sam in the middle of nowhere.

Gimli: M'kay.

Legolas: I'm in.

Harry: I don't wanna walk.

Legolas: Walk? We're running, bitches.

Ron: Let's follow Frodo and Sam.

Hermione: I'm going wherever Legolas goes.

Legolas: Dammit.

Ron: Bye, Hermione.

Hermione: Seriously, that's all I get? You're supposed to be in love with me!

Darth Vadar: Well aren't you a little hypocrite?

Hermione: Shut it, metal man.

Darth Vadar: I hope you all heard that! It's not fair! I'm trying to be nice, I'm trying to change, and what do I get? Metal man! Nobody understands me! [runs off crying dramatically]

Gimli: Awkward…

And so Harry and Ron took the last remaining boat that didn't contain a dead body and left to go after Frodo and Sam. Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Hermione left to go after Merry and Pippin, despite Legolas's best efforts to leave Hermione behind.


This chapter includes bonus references to both Potter Puppet Pals and Pokemon. Ten awesomeness points to the first person (or people) to point them out!