DISCLAIMER: ALL Metal Gear & Characters Are Copyright Konami. THEY OWN EVERYTHING - I Only Borrow The Names For This Non-Profit Making BADLY WRITTEN Story, purely written for fun in my spare time. This story has terrible language, tons of unnecessary violence and will probably land you in hospital for splitting your sides. THIS is too crazy for even Kojima!

Madman's Paradise OR 'Glinty Guy Owns A Nightclub'!
(This Story Is Best Read DRUNK)

Part 1


About two months ago, on a busy road in the city center, a car tries to negotiate its way along the many confusing turn-offs and junctions.

"I take a left here?" Vamp asked as he drove Solidus to the "Secret destination that would change their lives for the better and bring almost instant improvements to retched situations-"

"…..Right…" Solidus said casually as he read a magazine.

*Vamp takes a right*

"What the hell are you going down here for?!" Solidus snaps as he looks around the unfamiliar street.

"Errr…you said 'right'..." Vamp replied defensively in his thick accent.

"I SAID….right about turning LEFT!" he answered as he sighed. "Never mind! Pull over here…I'LL DRIVE!"

*Vamp stops the car*

*Que loads of car bleeping and abuse being shouted*

Solidus slaps his forehead. "I didn't mean RIGHT here in the CENTER of the road…."

(Meanwhile, when they finally get there)

After a short Drive Solidus stops the car, gets out and walks towards a building with his arms outstretched. "So then…..what do'ya think?!" He says with pride with his perfect elocution.

"World famous Fish n' Chips??" Vamp says in a deadpan voice as he reads the massive sign. "……We're going into the……chip business?"

Solidus pinched the top of his nose in frustration. "NO you idiot! This is a front! Well, one of them!"

"A front for….what exactly?"

"A front for the biggest arms laundering scheme this side of the country!" Solidus clenched his fist with pride at his work.

"You're so……..brilliant!"

"Why thankyou! But that's not the best bit! To the side of this building is a massive entrance for the service this place will provide by night." he said to Vamp as he pointed to two massive double doors with a large sign reading "ANYTHING GOES Nightclub".

"I……hope theres a job for me in all this?" Vamp asked nervously.

"OFCOURSE!" Solidus shouted. "You're going to be making the fish and chips!" he added with a smile as he slapped his friend on the back and walked past.

"Hey! Do I get to help run the Nightclub too?! That would be wicked-cool!" Vamp said as he lent against the doorframe.

"Yes! You're the Licensee..." Solidus added as he threw an ID to his friend.

Vamp caught it against his chest without taking his eyes off his friend. "I'm a…….bar man?!"

"Yeah! You know how to mix drinks don't you?" He added as he threw 'The definitive book of Cocktails' at Vamp.

"Well I guess I can learn. Anyway! I think I'll organize a Gay night!" Vamp said excitedly.

Solidus rolled his eyes and leant against the wall with his arm outstretched.

"…'I'm going to organize a gay night'…" Solidus repeated in a mocking high pitched voice. "The ONLY time I'm letting you organize a 'gay night' is if I can tie it in with a massive Insurance claim for petrol bombing the club after you've rounded up all the screaming faggots in one place! And the insurance company would be paying me for the pleasure of doing it!"

"Hmmm…..very 'nice' boss…" Vamp mumbled.

"Trust me, this'll work out perfectly!" Solidus added as he looked around inspecting the work crews finished work.

"Soooo….who exactly are we supplying with weapons then?" Vamp asked looking puzzled.

"Ohh…The Libyans' mostly..." Came the casual reply.

"Excellent! I'm liking this! So, where are you going to live then? Or are you just going to commute in?"

"Ohh theres a large apartment above the buildings so I can always keep an eye on things directly."

"But…if this place is open during the day….and night….won't we need some slaves to order about?" Vamp questioned.

"By that I take it you mean 'Staff'? Yes of course! I made some discreet inquiries looking for some Koreans with expired Visas." Solidus added grinning slightly.

"Errr….why Koreans?"

"Because….they're politically unconnected to any of the groups we're selling to, they don't speak English well, we can pay them less then minimum wage because their illegal's and……-"Solidus placed his hands on his hips and looked thoughtful. "-…They make great chips…."

"Can I help with the interview process?"

"Sure…..but I'm employing a bunch of gays if that's what you're thinking..."

"….Damn."

Early the next day, Vamp's boyfriend Scott drove him back into the city do he could help with the interviews and get to grips with their new plan!

"You know…some of these people are totally pointless. I've managed to find two who, I think, may have a head on their shoulders. All I need them to do is make chips and hand out change! I have strict employment criteria you know…." Solidus said as he wrote afew names on a pad before looking up to see Vamp grab a man out of the line.

"You're good looking, you're hired……Get in there." Vamp announced as he shoved the man into the kitchen after slapping his ass. "I like the look of that guy Sol…"

"For goodness sake! At least make sure hes an illegal immigrant! Have you no standards!"

Vamp grabbed the man by the scruff pulling him back. "Are you here illegally?" he asked in his deadpan voice.

The Korean just nodded.

Solidus slaps his forehead before the next person sits down in front of him.

"Okay, whats your name?"

"Ching-Kwong, but you call me sam." He replied.

"Hmmm…Oooookay 'Sam'. When did you arrive and what documentation did you use to enter the United States?"

"tree year ago, Tourist Visa."

"Good, good. Do you have any warrants and are you known to the police?"

"No."

"Excellent, you stand over there." Solidus pointed behind himself to the corner where Vamps choice was standing.

"Okay next!" He shouts as a Korean girl sits down. "Name?" He asks.

"Kyung-ja, but anyone call me Tammy." She answered shyly with her eyes cast down.

"Right…hmmm….thats the forth female 'Tammy' today.

"When did you arrive and what documentation did you use to enter the United States?"

"Whaa month ago. Tourist visa."

"Perfect!. Do you have any warrants and are you known to the police?"

"Noo no, I work hard. Morning I work hard. Night, I work hard, Weekends-"

"Yeah, yeah I get it, you work hard." Solidus mumbled as he made careful notes.

Vamp stared down at his partners notes. "BOSS!"

"What?"

"You're gonna pay her more than the guys.."

"..So?"

"That's…fuckin'…favoritism and all.."

Solidus shook his head in a fed-up fashion and looked up at his friend. "No-no, its NOT favoritism. And anyway, its still under minimum wage!"

"There is a minimum wage?" Tammy asked bemused.

"Yeah…yeah…there is, But you can't work in this country at all legally. Now, you look to me like a smart girl…-" Solidus paused as he stared at her intently. "- The only way you'll be paid more is on the street. Ether, you work someplace else where you'll be paid less, mistreated, hit on all day and work longer hours……or, you can take your changes here with me. "

"Yeah! And ME!" Vamp shouted with an air of authority.

"Shut-up Vamp." Solidus sighed.

"I want work for you!" Tammy hastily replied.

"Good girl. At least you'll all have a measure of protection as long as you keep your head down, work hard and don't talk to anyone outside the shop – get it?." Solidus added as he threw his pad on the table.

"Yes!"

"Ohh and ahh……Do yourself a favor. DON'T tell the others you're paid more okay?"

Tammy nodded intently.

Vamp coughed loudly.

Later on that night Vamp and Solidus were packing the last of the supplies into the cupboards and putting the stock on the shelves.

"I can't wait to stock up the bar!" Vamp exclaimed.

"Yeah, this is quite fun isn't it?!"

"Ohh don't forget your brother is arriving tomorrow."

"Hmmm, I was trying to forget that. You know how much of a head case he is.."

"Yeah boss…whata asshole."

"Yeah true, hey what time is it Vamp?"

"Uhhh…..01:47am"

"Well, with that-"Solidus said as he threw a sponge in the large metal sink. "-I'm calling it a night!"

"Yeah Boss" Vamp answered as he followed Solidus to the door way. He watched his friend glance once more into the large room, which was the front of their Fish n' Chips shop, before flicking off the light and walking up the narrow stairs to the side that lead up to the apartment above the shop.

"Boss…."

"Yeah?"

"I really can't believe we've started all this. Its so great!"

"Yeah, well it is a very big task." Solidus said as he rubbed his eyes and walked into the living room space. He turned on the TV and flicked the channel to the current affairs and politics.

"Ohh..not politics! I hate politics, can't we watch something else?! I mean….there's a lovely program about Sharks starting on the other channel…." Vamp said excitingly.

"Hey….aren't you going to be heading home? Won't Scott wonder where you are?"

"Ohh nah. I told him I'd be out late and possibly crash here…..errr, you don't mind if I crash here?"

"Nah…nah. Not at all. You can test out the new sofa bed."

"Ohh ahh Sol?"

"Uhh?"

"You have to change the channel over...We're missing the start of that lovely show about Sharks."

"You can watch it if you want. I have a small TV in the bedroom; I want to catch the preliminaries of the presidential election."

"Ohhh….."

"What?"

"Well….every time we've ever watched TV together its been such a laugh….even those shitty political programs.."

"What do you mean?" Solidus looked puzzled.

"Well…..its your commentary.."

"MY…commentary?"

"Yeah…you say the funniest things, really spices up programs.."

Solidus stood in the doorway leaning against the frame, supporting his head with his elbow. "I think you've gone nuts Vamp. Anyway, I'm going to go get changed, DON'T open the door till I'm done!" He added as he shut his bedroom door behind him.

"Hey! How long does it take you to get undressed?" Vamp called out to the bedroom.

"You know I have back problems!" Came the muffled reply from the other side of the door.

"OHH? I have a cream for that-"

"NO THANK YOU." Solidus cut him off.

"Hey Sol, want me to make us some sandwiches?" Vamp called out as he searched his case for his pajamas.

"Nah, I've had something to eat earlier."

"So…You won't want any part of some small Cheese and pickle sandwiches?"

"Well…..maybe one."

"Have you finished getting changed?

"Hey! I takes a while!"

"Okay Boss…..by the way, you said you were very busy tomorrow, what's up?"

Solidus shouted back from his room. "Well, I have to pick up my son on the way to collect my brother from the airport. My sons got a place in town here."

"And….where is your brother staying Sol?"

Solidus walked out of his small bedroom wearing dark blue silk pajamas and a house robe. "Hmmm, Unfortunately….here."

"What?! But….you DO remember what happened last time he flew over here!"

"Yeah…I threw him out."

"Hes impossible to live with boss!"

"Yeah, yeah I know" Solidus replied rubbing his temples in stress.

"And he hogs the TV!"

"Yeah well another of the biggest problems I have with him is the fact that I can hardly understand a word he says! Its that language he speaks.."

"Don't worry boss! I speak 'English'! I learnt all the slang from him last time! I'll translate should you need it!"

"Thankyou Vamp! What would I do without you…." Solidus paused for a moment. "……Actually I'd probably succeed…"

(Vamp mumbles to himself)

"Well! Now that we have the Koreans on payroll, this place all ready to go as soon as the alcohol arrives……..all we need are the weapons!"

"Yeah! We'll make a fortune in no time! Hmmm, I wonder if that political debate show is on…..Vamp, pass me the remote would you…"

"Errrr….there is a really great program on the other channel…."

"We'll catch it another time! I want to hear what exactly these guys' policies are..."

"Yes Boss…"

(After two hours of a political debate show)

"Hmmm that was good but they still didn't put forward any new manifestos…"

"Nah…they didn't, Hey! Let's catch the rerun of that wonderful program about Sharks!"

"Hmmm…..mmm..Okay."

(Vamp flips the channel over excitedly)

"They are going to cover some very rare footage of Hammerheads and Lemon sharks! I know all the facts but this program shows all kinds of new information."

"Okay…"

The TV commentator's voice came on "We are very sorry to announce that the rerun of the program 'Search of the Amazing Sharks' has been cancelled and rescheduled for tomorrow-"

(Vamp stares at the screen blankly with the expression of a broken man)

"Well, I'm off to bed!" Solidus slapped Vamps back in a friendly gesture as he got up from the sofa. "Are you okay unfolding the sofa?"

(Vamp looks miserable)

"Yeah boss..."

"Okay…see ya tomorrow."

"Yeah boss, sweet dreams." Vamp said begrudgingly as he fluffed up the pillows on the sofa bed.


Coming up Next:

Liquid comes to stay! Ofcourse hes forgotten his travel addapter and can't use his hairdryer...this causes arguments AND the thieft of Vamps hairdryer.

Meanwhile Solidus's son Jack has come to town to confess his debt problem and get as much money of his dad as he can!

Finally they get the nightclub running and people from all across town come for the big opening. Ofcourse Hal drags Dave along!