Orochimaru's (Not-so-perfect) Christmas
Characters: Orochimaru, Itachi, Sasuke, Kabuto, Madara/Tobi and mentions of Hidan and Tobirama.
Word Count: 504
Rating: 13+
Genre: Humor
WARNINGS: More of a rant than a story, spoilers from chapter 514. Extreme crack.
All that Orochi-kun wanted for Christmas was eyes. Not just any eyes, but awesome eyes. Eyes that would not only let him see clearly, but would also help him in his journey towards immortality. But is that what happened? NO.
Being a snake sennin is already bad. All the experiments that he did on himself had caused him to become more like a reptile than a human. The transformation took a toll in his eyes. You see, snakes have very little to no eyesight. They cannot see, only sense vibrations and heat, hence Orochi-kun was partly blind too, though he made sure nobody found out. Even after he switched into a new body, the new eyes would eventually wear out, Hence, he wanted awesome eyes.
Orochi-kun was delighted when he saw Itachi-kun. His plan was perfect. He just knew he had to have his body. But nooooooooooooo, Itachi-kun had to stop him with his evil genjutsu. Orochi-kun couldn't bear the humiliation and left, without his Christmas present. Then a few years later, he found a better present. A younger, cuter version of Itachi-kun, Itachi-kuns younger brother, Sasuke-kun. In fact, his present walked to him on his own so he was even more excited. He could finally get his perfect gift and spend all of Christmas training with his new awesome eyes. That will show Itachi-kun. He couldn't wait to get into Sasuke-kuns body. But he had to wait a few years because Sasuke-kun was a little late and he had already switched his body
Then three years later when he could finally switch bodies, that had to happen. His own present betrayed his trust and absorbed him. How is that even possible. Anyways, after Sasuke-kun absorbed him a little, his own fucking subordinate Kabuto-kun comes and absorbs him. What's with people wanting to absorb him anyways? Were they some kind of sponge? Was he spilled liquid?
Anyways, then during Sasuke-kuns fight with Itachi-kun, all of his chakra and remnants from Sasuke-kun was extracted and sealed by the Totsuka Sword. Seriously, where did the kid get that sword from? He was practically searching for that his entire life, then this kids, like less than half his age has already found it. How fucking annoying.
Oh wait, but that's not all.
Kabuto-kun goes to Madara/Tobi-kun, stronger than ever because of Orochi-kun, using Orochi-kuns jutsus (that he stole from Tobirama-kun, but that shouldn't be mentioned here now) and starts up a war. And not just any war, The Fourth Shinobi World War, becoming one of the main villains. He is also popularly called Kabuchimaru now. What The Hell! Orochi-kun is stronger, he should be known as Orochibuto.
Life is just not fair!
Orochi-kun wanted to spend his Christmas, all those years ago with the perfect set of eyes and body, a successful Kuchiyose: Edo Tensei, and newly found immortality. He should have just waited in Akatsuki and then converted to Jashinism by Hidan and start worshiping Jashin. He would have saved himself a lot of trouble.
Done for The KakaIru group on Deviantart
I mixed up two themes,
1. How Orochimaru spent Christmas and
2. How Kabuchimaru stole Christmas.
Sadly, no KakaIru in this one.
This story (If you can call it that) does not even make any sense. I kind of tried to write it as Orochimaru narrating the story to some kids in afterlife (or where ever he is) but is trying his best to not indicate it is him in the story.
