Hilo. I decided to rewrite one of my old fan fictions, "The First Time" from scratch because I wasn't at all too happy with it. It's the same characters, same pairings and same basic plot, just rewritten. So far, it's turning out so much better than before. There will most likely be some fluff, some perverted situations (maybe), definitely some violence, mentions of murder and suicide, and maybe more stuff, but there won't be anything graphic. Also, mainly for the spelling of names, places, rank, etc, I'm referencing the information on the website .com. Some people prefer Might Guy, and some prefer Maito Gai, and even though I prefer the latter, this is just to keep everything consistent so I don't have to edit everything everywhere I publish this story. Other than that, the chapter length will vary, and just pay a bit of attention. One chapter will be told in Yukiko's, my OC, point of view, and another chapter could be in Neji's point of view. If there isn't a name at the top, it means that it's still the previous chapter person's point of view. I also wrote this story in present tense for a reason. Anyways, I hope the characters turn out in character, and I hope you enjoy it.
Well in this life you must find something to live for
'Cause when the darkness comes a calling
You go back to the way you were before.
'Cause this life is as fragile as a dream
And nothing's ever really as it seems.
- "As it Seems" by Lily Kershaw
Yukiko
I don't know when or why it started, but it doesn't seem to matter because I know it will never happen. Or at least not everything I dream of wanting to happen. We talk and train together when he has time, but that's rare now that he's a Jounin, and we're always with our teammates when he does have time. Just sitting together alone, or holding hands, even those little acts that even just as friends do, are practically impossible. Whenever he offers to walk me home, when we would be alone together, I always tell him an excuse, or say I have other plans when I don't. I can't risk it. So, because of all the impossibilities, I gave it up a long time ago, but just because I tell myself to give up, it doesn't mean my heart will let go. And it hurts. It still hurts. My heart always hurts when I think of letting go. Because while I'm standing here telling myself the list of reasons why I should stop dreaming about it, yearning for approval or praise from him, or even worse, just wanting him, once I look at him—it's even worse when I see him with a smile, a rarity—the list stops and I end up hoping that there's a chance. But then when I walk through the door to my home, the darkness enshrouds my heart again, and I know that there isn't one, a chance, I mean. So I go through this cycle of hoping and dreaming, and then collapsing onto my knees trying not to cry because I realize that it won't happen. And I don't know which end of the cycle is worse. The hoping part, when I'm around him, pretending that he really cares for me, even just as a teammate, at least being content with being in his presence, or the other stage when I pound myself with the truth, that I should be just happy that he's finally found his own happiness, even without me in it, at least then I'm not filling my mind with illusions. Because that's all my hopes and dreams are. Illusions. They'll never be real.
My team—my first team, always used to ask what it was that I wanted, but I didn't know. At the time, just breathing seemed to be enough, and that I didn't have a right to ask for more. Sensei told me that I have to have a purpose, a goal, a dream, in order to really live, because if I kept going at the rate I was going, every breath I took would be a waste. He was right because after they sacrificed themselves for the mission, and for my sake, and after I was reassigned to Team Guy, after Neji became a Chunin, I realized I wasted two years not sharing a purpose with them. Not breathing with them. Not really living with them. They didn't get a chance to see the real me, and I never got the chance to know if they would fully accept the real me. Me, that was always scared but wanted to have sacrificed my own life to protect them, but didn't. Now that I vowed to never let my team down again, and now know what I wanted more than anything, I have to tell myself I can't have it because I'm not strong enough. Well, I've wanted it before they died; I just didn't fully realize it at the time, but still. I'm just not strong enough yet. I wonder, if my team knew what I wanted was an illusion, would they have still supported it? It's not fair. I'm living a lie, and their lives of living truthful are over. They have been over for a full two years.
"I'm sorry," I whisper. Incense smoke flutters and a few lost petals scatters in the wind. I could have gone to the memorial stone where the names of the ninja who were killed in action were etched, but this is more personal. Besides, Kai's mother was there already, and I can't stand her tears or her angry bellows. I blame myself enough as it is and I don't need to hear it from her. That's why I made my own graves for them. There aren't any bodies or ashes, none of them could be recovered; it was just a small tribute in front of a tree. The tree was over thousands of years old with gnarled roots tangling over each other before sinking into the soil and the lowest branches were fifty feet up. I remember when we all sat on the highest branches we all vowed to protect our home and each other no matter what, but more importantly, it was the tree where we all met. Here was my first memory, impression, fight, my first everything of them. Everything but their deaths happened right here. None of the other parents were angry at me, nor was Lady Tsunade blaming me, but I deserved Kai's mother's shrieks of "Where were you" or "Why wasn't it you!" The fact is I was there and there was nothing I could have done, and that's why it wasn't me. But it doesn't mean I don't sometimes wish it was me instead of them. Still, there isn't anything I can do now to change it, so I have no choice but to move on. It also doesn't mean that it's still hard.
"There you are Yukiko-chan!" Rock Lee enthusiastically greets with a wave. "I thought you might be here. Have you told your teammates?"
I nod my head and force a smile. "Yes." Even though they're dead, they would always be my teammates.
"I know your team would be very proud." It's a corny thing to say, but it still makes me feel better, and my smile doesn't feel as forced. "Guy-sensei, Tenten, and I wanted to congratulate you on becoming a Chuunin, but you disappeared so fast."
Yes, I became a Chuunin on the second anniversary of their deaths. It was too uncannily ironic. A person living a lie moves up in the world, and those who actually deserve it are forever stuck in the hands of the shinigami.
"We're all proud of you! And even Neji says that he will be here later after his training session with his uncle to celebrate your promotion."
At the sound of Neji's name, my heart stops, and I feel a chill. "I'm sorry, I can't. My father will be home tonight and I've been slacking off on my chores. I have so much to do." I'm telling the truth this time, but I would have made an excuse. If I don't finish my chores, I'll get a lecture of the lifetime, promotion or not.
Lee's face fills with disappointment.
"Besides, finally earning Chuunin at age sixteen isn't exactly something to write home to, so it's fine, really." It's far too late in my father's eyes at least. "I don't need a celebration or anything."
"Earning a rank should always be celebrated no matter at what age. It shows that you have improved, and you have, Yukiko-chan! That vest you are wearing is just physical proof."
I chuckle as I say, "You're too much, Lee." I take one last look at the grave and leave. I'm really sorry you guys couldn't be Chuunin too. "I'll say hi to everyone else and then go, so how about that?"
Lee's still not happy with the arrangement, but agrees. It's better to agree with something than nothing at all.
It was easy finding Guy-sensei, and I'm glad it was him first to get the sparkling-sunset-of-youthfulness over with. Even after two years, I still can't understand what all that is about. Then we found Tenten who had been looking for Rock Lee and me. She forgot about the anniversary, and ended up just apologizing next to congratulating me. She was just as disappointed about the celebratory rain check as Lee was, but was busy later anyway, so was partly glad for the reschedule. On our way to the Hyuuga compound, we see Neji walking toward us and wave him over.
"Congratulations on making Chuunin, Yukiko-chan," Neji says. "So where are we going to celebrate?"
Lee exhales. "You won't believe this. Yukiko-chan says she has to do her chores, so we're not going anywhere to celebrate. It's like she doesn't want to be around us!"
I exhale back, audibly annoyed by his exaggerated complaint.
"I'm sure that's not true, Lee," Neji pointedly replies.
"How was your training?" I ask. Anything to get past me finally becoming a Chuunin.
"It was fine, but, you seriously have chores to do? Couldn't you at least just have lunch with us?" Why does he have to keep it on subject? Why can't he be someone like Naruto and get sidetracked every once in a while?
"That's what I asked, and she wouldn't budge!" Lee replies for me.
"I have a mountain of chores to do, but thank you both for the thought." I waved goodbye to them and headed home before they could convince me otherwise. If I go out to eat with them, I'll be the one getting distracted and end up giving myself a panic attack trying to get my chores done.
A few minutes later, I hear, "Hey, wait up!" From Neji. I turn around to him taking long strides towards me without Lee. When he arrives at my side: "I'm walking you home."
"It's fine, I can—"
"I know you can walk yourself home, but I'm going with you whether you like it or not," he says in a nonchalant manner.
How can I argue with that?
After only a few steps, he asks, just like he did last year, and a few months after the date the year before, "How's your team?"
Still dead. "They're fine, I guess."
"They would be proud."
"Lee said that as well."
"I think you're missing his point as well as mine then." He stops walking, and then I stop walking too. "They're dead, it's a sad thing, and I'm sorry you had to lose great friends like them, and a great sensei, but when we say 'They would be proud of you' what we really mean is—"
"To start living again? Smile more? Celebrate the good things like it's the last day of my life? I get it. Honestly, I do. I got it the first time Lee and Guy and Tenten ever said it. I got it when you said it. Thank you, for the thought, but I am living. You have no idea how I'm living, but I am. Just quietly. I have a dream, and even if it never comes true, at least I'm still dreaming. That's what my sensei taught me: that only the living can dream." I smile, but I'm not sure if it's at all convincing to Neji. "So, if that's all you wanted to say to me, I need to be hurrying home now."
"Would you at least tell me when it's OK for you to celebrate with us? The team, Lee especially, won't just let you becoming a Chuunin and an opportunity to eat out go."
I laugh. For real this time. It's true they wouldn't let an opportunity to party go. "Maybe a few days from now. It depends on my father. I really have to go now, but thank you for walking me this far. Also, tell Lee I can see him and to stop hiding behind the bush."
