Prologue

Why did I marry him? To this day I still don't know why, he was always so weak, how did I not notice that for so long? Scared of the crows, scared of the scissors, scared of me. What a pathetic excuse for a man, he didn't have the energy to do anything for himself, hired servants for all his little tasks, spent my money on pointless things!

It was all because of my wretched mother, she forced me into that life! I was 18, ready to go out and rule the world! I don't like to remember how secure and ambitious I felt back then, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. In the end that feeling meant nothing anyway. She wanted a grandchild so much, probably because I was so worthless in her eyes, could she see the future? Could she see what I would become?

She forced me to marry that man, that man called Simon, so that one day I could have my own children and she would be a grandmother. She must have felt the way I feel now, she must have hated me and my father just the way I hate Simon. When the marriage was arranged I was content, there was no use struggling against my mothers wishes, and starting a new family seemed inevitable. Simon seemed respectable enough, so why not?

Not long into the marriage I realised that I barely even saw him. He went off drinking practically every night, drove miles just to get away from me and be with his scum friends. Leaving me all alone in that big house… god I hate being alone, a woman is nothing if she is lonely. I was not a wife, not really, nor was I a child, a sister, a friend… a mother.

I was nothing to anyone and I couldn't stand it. Why wouldn't god bless me with a child? Lord knows I tried. Of all the things I have done for happiness lying below that disgusting slob was by no doubt the foulest!

I despised that man! I married him for love, a family. And In the end what did I get? Nothing. He was infertile, incapable of the thing I needed him for, and that's why I hated him.

You have to understand that I felt so trapped, maybe if I had married another man then things would be different, then my life would finally tick and I would feel like the woman, the mother I so deserve to be! No, there was no use in fantasising, I am not a fool! It wasn't the end for me there I wouldn't let it be!

My father was always so harsh, hitting me for doing something wrong, even at the age of first steps. But in the end he gave me so much, he gave me myself. He gave me my personality and my strength, most of all he gave me the opportunity to be better than other people, to be superior. But no, instead I fell into this spiral of dread and loneliness.

When he died it felt as though the roof of my house came crashing down onto me, no matter how I look at it, he was the source of my power. Now he is dead, maybe I'm not so strong after all, maybe I'm weak and pathetic and deserve a life like this. Those were my thoughts back then, but soon after one event changed my life forever.

I'm Mary barrows, and I'm here to tell my story.