Disclaimer: Eva is obviously not my property, is obviously the property of Gainax, who could obviously sue me if I didn't include this disclaimer ( obviously ).

Personal disclaimer: This is a humour/parody fic and should not be considered representative of my opinion of the characters of NGE in any way, shape or form ( if nothing else does that should tip you off that this is a fairly twisted little story ).

Warning: OOC-ness, general bad taste, making fun of more or less everything in Eva. Don't say I didn't.

Author's notes : I know, I know, another Eva talkshow fic. Hadn't seen any of them when I started this and after I had I decided this was sufficiently different to be finished and published. Their names are the wrong way round because Kaji's show is based in America so first name/last name the English language way.

And On Tonight's Show – Penpen Gets an Unpleasant Surprise

Pen-pen plops himself down on Misato Katsuragi's beer stain splattered couch with a cold can of Yebisu clutched in one flipper and the remote in the other. The major and both of her charges have some NERV related business to attend to that has taken them out of the country for a few days and the warm water penguin is determined to make the most out of the resultant calm. While the loss of the boy's cooking is a shame the combined absence of one drunkard and one banshee is more than adequate compensation. Contemplating his good fortune while channel surfing Pen-pen almost misses the familiar face that appears briefly as the screen flickers from one station to the next. He pauses, shakes his beak in disbelief, then decides to backtrack anyway. Just to be absolutely certain.

One channel, two, three . . .

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Under normal circumstances penguins are flightless birds but pen-pen elevates a good metre and a half into the air while letting out a screech of intermingles shock and horror as he finds that he was not mistaken the first time.

Shinji Ikari.

On TV.

Specifically . . .

The Ryouji Kaji show.

Pen-pen brings his flippers up to cover his eyes and begins to sink down into the couch in horror as Kaji bounds up onto the stage and announces the show's topic.

"And on tonight's show; I'm dating the clone of my dead mother that my father created to further his evil machiavellian schemes while he does it with the daughter of the woman he cheated on her with!"

Sitting behind Kaji in a row are, in order :

An inscrutable Gendou Ikari ( in the Gendou position, naturally ).

A slightly nervous Ritsuko Akagi.

A very nervous and furiously blushing and also cringing Shinji Ikari (the nervousness is from being on tv, the blush is because Rei is all over him and the cringing is, as usual, to do with Asuka).

A smugly and coquettishly smiling Rei Ayanami, said smile presumably resulting from her being very glompily glomped on Shinji's left arm.

A somewhat frazzled looking Misato Katsuragi. It is uncertain as to whether her stressed appearance has more to do with the current situation or the fact that a burly, female, security guard has invited Misato back to her place after the show. Probably a bit of both.

And last but certainly not least (not within earshot of her at any rate) is a brow furrowing, eyes narrowing, jaw clenching, hands even more clenching Asuka Langley Sohryu.

Beyond the young Miss Langley are three empty chairs that remain as yet unnoticed by the aforementioned individuals. Pen-pen however, whose stomach is starting to feel like the event horizon of a black hole, has an insidious suspicion as to who will later be filling those seats. On screen, Kaji is busily digging his own grave with an excavator.

"Tonight's show is really going to be something! We've got some seriously screwed up guests with some Everest sized psychoses," Kaji announces with glee, as Shinji's cringing twists his spine to a degree that promises the possibility of a successful career as a contortionist should NERV no longer require his services and Asuka gives Kaji a glare that would loosen Darth Vader's bowels. Kaji remains blissfully unaware.

"We're expecting some serious trouble tonight so not only de we have twice the usual number of on set security guards but as a special precaution they're all armed with mimiature replicas of the Lance of Longinus." At this juncture the camera zooms in on a guard wielding a menacing expression and a Lance ripoff about two metres long.

The audience makes appreciative noises.

Rei looks disgruntled.

Asuka eyes the mini-lances with a speculative glint in her eye.

Gendou is a little po'ed about the security leak but it doesn't show on his face.

"Meet Shinji Ikari," Kaji continues smoothly, "a fourteen year old boy with an Oedipus complex that's almost as large as the giant purple biomechanical construct that he pilots."

"Hey tha-"

"Juuuuuuuuuuusssssssst kidding," Kaji hastily adds, his self preservation instinct triggered not by Shinji's strangled protests but by Rei Ayanami's blood coloured glare.

"Sitting next to him is Rei Ayanami, a half and half clone of his mother and the mother of humanity, so either way you look at it Freud would have a field day!"

Rei's AT field flickers menacingly into existence at this juncture but several guards raise their port-a-lances threateningly and she is forced to subside.

Kaji, meanwhile, continues to make deadly enemies at the same speed Elvis ate hamburgers. "Also present are Shinji's father, Gendou Ikari, well known for his megalomaniacal tendencies, child abandoning tendencies, nefarious plotting tendencies, giant purple robot constructing tendencies-"

"That was mostly Yui's thing," the megalomaniac in question quietly interjects

"-and scoring-with-the-really-hot-chick-who-I-wanted-for-myself-the-bastard tenden . . ." Kaji trails off as he realizes the Fuyutsuki Kouzou has hijacked the teleprompter. Several lance wielding guards make their way towards NERV's soon-to-be-ex sub commander as he stands up and starts bawling Gendou out over his taste in women, while Ritsuko's face turns the same colour as Unit 2.

The following scene has been removed out of respect for poor Kouzou who has already hideously embarrassed himself on live national TV and doesn't deserve to have salt rubbed into the wounds to his pride.

Wiping his brow with an exaggerated gesture Kaji turns back to the camera. "Well, because of that little incident I'm afraid you'll have to wait to meet the rest of our guests until after this commercial break. See you soon for more fun prying into other people's disturbing private lives on – The Ryouji Kaji Show!"