Is Your Name Not Bruce? or, Another Monty Python Spoof
By The Seitz
Disclaimer: Don't own anything. . ANYTHING YOU HEAR ME?! I'm homeless and I'm writing this for free from the LIBRARY!
Authors Notes: I'm not really at the Library. It's snowing outside and I don't trust my car to start, much less drive the three blocks it would take to make it to the Library. I suppose I could walk it, but it IS snowing. Oh and to write this I had to listen to the Bruce Sketch about twenty-eight times and I don't think the people at the Library would appreciate that. *Sigh*
Also, in case anyone is wondering a Poofter is Australian for Homosexual. No I'm not a Homophobe, if that offends you, your gripe is with some people over in London.
*scene opens in the faculty room of the University of Wallamaloo. A professor sits at the large meeting table drinking beer. Another professor is just entering the room.*
BRUCE: G'day Bruce.
BRUCE: Oh! 'ello Bruce.
BRUCE: How are ya Bruce?
BRUCE: A bit crooked Bruce.
BRUCE: Where's Bruce?
BRUCE: He's not here Bruce.
BRUCE: Blimey it's hot in here Bruce.
BRUCE: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!
BRUCE: That's a strange expression Bruce.
BRUCE: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. "Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here Your Majesty" he said and she smiled quietly to herself.
BRUCE: She's a good Sheila Bruce and not at all stuck up! Ah! Here's the boss fellow now! How are ya Bruce?
*Two other men enter the room dragging along a very confused looking Batman behind them.*
BRUCE: G'day Bruce.
BRUCE: Bruce?
BRUCE: 'Ello Bruce
BRUCE: Bruce?
BRUCE: How are ya Bruce?
BRUCE: G'day Bruce
BRUCE: Gentlemen I'd like to introduce a chap from Pommy-land who's joining us this year here in the Philosophy department, here at the University of Wallamaloo.
BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: G'day!
BATMAN: Um. . hi? I think there's some mistake I'm on a case and. . .
BRUCE: *Gesturing to each man* Let's see, Batman, Bruce, Batman, Bruce, and Batman, Bruce.
BRUCE: Is your name not Bruce?
BATMAN: *Nervously* NO! What ever gave you that idea? I'm Batman I've never even met anyone named-
BRUCE: That's going to cause a little of confusion.
BRUCE: Mind if we call you Bruce just to keep it clear?
BATMAN: eep
BRUCE: Gentlemen I think we'd better start the faculty meeting, before we start, I'd ask the Padre for a prayer.
BRUCE: Oh lord we beseech thee. . .AMEN!
BRUCE: *At the same time as Bruce* AMEN!
BRUCE: *At the same time as Bruce* AMEN!
BRUCE: AMEN! CRAP DO! *Pops the cap off another beer bottle*
BRUCE: Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Batman to the Philosophy faculty.
BATMAN: No I'm not supposed to-
BRUCE: I'd like to welcome the pommy bastard to God's own earth, and remind him that we don't like stuck up sticky beaks here!
BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: Here here, well spoken Bruce!
BRUCE: Bruce teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Hegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism, and is also in charge of the beer shipment.
BRUCE: What's new Bruce going to teach?
BATMAN: Nothing.
BRUCE: New Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Benton Locke Hobbes Sattin Nimble Miller Hasset and Benel.
BRUCE: Those are all cricketers!
BRUCE: Aw spit!
BRUCE: Hell's a derisive laughter Bruce!
BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE:*standing* Australia Australia Australia we love AMEN!*sits down*
BRUCE: Another chew! *Pops beer bottle caps*
BRUCE: Any questions?
BRUCE: Yeah, new Bruce, are you a poofter?
BRUCE: Are you a poofter?
BATMAN: No.
BRUCE: No, right I just want to remind you of the faculty rules, Rule one-
BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: NO POOFTERS!!!
BRUCE: Rule two no member is to maltreat the other members in any way at all. If there's anybody watching rule three-
BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: NO POOFTERS!!!
BRUCE: Rule four, now this time I don't wanna catch anyone not drinkin' rule five-
BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: NO POOFTERS!!!
BRUCE: Rule six, there is NOOOOOOOOO. . .rule six rule seven-
BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: NO POOFTERS
BRUCE: Right, that concludes the reading of the rules, BRUCE!
BRUCE: *Stands* This here's the Wattle, the emblem of our land, you can stick it in a bottle you can hold it in your hand!
BRUCE, BRUCE, & BRUCE: AMEN!
BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: *singing*
Immanuel Camp was a real piss ant who was very rarely stable.
Heideger, heideger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table
David Hue could out consume William Frederic Hagle
And Wickenstein was a beery swine who was just a schlost as Schlagel
There's nothin' nature could teach 'yer about the raising of the rist
Socrates himself was permanently pissed
John Stewart Mill of his own free will on half a bottle of Scanty was particularly ill
David Hey could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey everyday
Aristotle Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, also fond of his Gram
And rainy day Cart was a drunken fart "I drink there for I am"
Yes Socrates himself is particularly missed
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
Fin
By The Seitz
Disclaimer: Don't own anything. . ANYTHING YOU HEAR ME?! I'm homeless and I'm writing this for free from the LIBRARY!
Authors Notes: I'm not really at the Library. It's snowing outside and I don't trust my car to start, much less drive the three blocks it would take to make it to the Library. I suppose I could walk it, but it IS snowing. Oh and to write this I had to listen to the Bruce Sketch about twenty-eight times and I don't think the people at the Library would appreciate that. *Sigh*
Also, in case anyone is wondering a Poofter is Australian for Homosexual. No I'm not a Homophobe, if that offends you, your gripe is with some people over in London.
*scene opens in the faculty room of the University of Wallamaloo. A professor sits at the large meeting table drinking beer. Another professor is just entering the room.*
BRUCE: G'day Bruce.
BRUCE: Oh! 'ello Bruce.
BRUCE: How are ya Bruce?
BRUCE: A bit crooked Bruce.
BRUCE: Where's Bruce?
BRUCE: He's not here Bruce.
BRUCE: Blimey it's hot in here Bruce.
BRUCE: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!
BRUCE: That's a strange expression Bruce.
BRUCE: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. "Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here Your Majesty" he said and she smiled quietly to herself.
BRUCE: She's a good Sheila Bruce and not at all stuck up! Ah! Here's the boss fellow now! How are ya Bruce?
*Two other men enter the room dragging along a very confused looking Batman behind them.*
BRUCE: G'day Bruce.
BRUCE: Bruce?
BRUCE: 'Ello Bruce
BRUCE: Bruce?
BRUCE: How are ya Bruce?
BRUCE: G'day Bruce
BRUCE: Gentlemen I'd like to introduce a chap from Pommy-land who's joining us this year here in the Philosophy department, here at the University of Wallamaloo.
BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: G'day!
BATMAN: Um. . hi? I think there's some mistake I'm on a case and. . .
BRUCE: *Gesturing to each man* Let's see, Batman, Bruce, Batman, Bruce, and Batman, Bruce.
BRUCE: Is your name not Bruce?
BATMAN: *Nervously* NO! What ever gave you that idea? I'm Batman I've never even met anyone named-
BRUCE: That's going to cause a little of confusion.
BRUCE: Mind if we call you Bruce just to keep it clear?
BATMAN: eep
BRUCE: Gentlemen I think we'd better start the faculty meeting, before we start, I'd ask the Padre for a prayer.
BRUCE: Oh lord we beseech thee. . .AMEN!
BRUCE: *At the same time as Bruce* AMEN!
BRUCE: *At the same time as Bruce* AMEN!
BRUCE: AMEN! CRAP DO! *Pops the cap off another beer bottle*
BRUCE: Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Batman to the Philosophy faculty.
BATMAN: No I'm not supposed to-
BRUCE: I'd like to welcome the pommy bastard to God's own earth, and remind him that we don't like stuck up sticky beaks here!
BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: Here here, well spoken Bruce!
BRUCE: Bruce teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Hegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism, and is also in charge of the beer shipment.
BRUCE: What's new Bruce going to teach?
BATMAN: Nothing.
BRUCE: New Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Benton Locke Hobbes Sattin Nimble Miller Hasset and Benel.
BRUCE: Those are all cricketers!
BRUCE: Aw spit!
BRUCE: Hell's a derisive laughter Bruce!
BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE:*standing* Australia Australia Australia we love AMEN!*sits down*
BRUCE: Another chew! *Pops beer bottle caps*
BRUCE: Any questions?
BRUCE: Yeah, new Bruce, are you a poofter?
BRUCE: Are you a poofter?
BATMAN: No.
BRUCE: No, right I just want to remind you of the faculty rules, Rule one-
BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: NO POOFTERS!!!
BRUCE: Rule two no member is to maltreat the other members in any way at all. If there's anybody watching rule three-
BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: NO POOFTERS!!!
BRUCE: Rule four, now this time I don't wanna catch anyone not drinkin' rule five-
BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: NO POOFTERS!!!
BRUCE: Rule six, there is NOOOOOOOOO. . .rule six rule seven-
BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: NO POOFTERS
BRUCE: Right, that concludes the reading of the rules, BRUCE!
BRUCE: *Stands* This here's the Wattle, the emblem of our land, you can stick it in a bottle you can hold it in your hand!
BRUCE, BRUCE, & BRUCE: AMEN!
BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE & BRUCE: *singing*
Immanuel Camp was a real piss ant who was very rarely stable.
Heideger, heideger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table
David Hue could out consume William Frederic Hagle
And Wickenstein was a beery swine who was just a schlost as Schlagel
There's nothin' nature could teach 'yer about the raising of the rist
Socrates himself was permanently pissed
John Stewart Mill of his own free will on half a bottle of Scanty was particularly ill
David Hey could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey everyday
Aristotle Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, also fond of his Gram
And rainy day Cart was a drunken fart "I drink there for I am"
Yes Socrates himself is particularly missed
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
Fin
