Title: Putting It Down Ch. 1
Pairing: GS
Summary: Those annoying gaps in Nesting Dolls. I can't stand it.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. CBS, Alliance Atlantis, and others own everything. No infringement is intended. Don't sue me. Just spacing out in my own little world.
Spoilers: Snakes, Nesting Dolls, etc. S5
Oh no, a WIP. I fear WIPs. I will probably frustrate anyone who reads this – I write slowly. Apologies in advance.
I can say happily: Look, actual dialogue! Look, I actually wrote something else! Thank you everyone who encouraged me on my first story. And GraveDigger: there WILL be actual fluff at some point. Just for you : )
She was incredibly bored, and she had days to go before she could go back to work. She didn't know which was worse: the frustration of being suspended or the thought of going back to work and having to deal with Ecklie and Catherine. She stared at the notebook on the table, and decided she didn't want to think about that either. She couldn't even believe that she still had a job, thanks to Grissom.
Problem was, she'd exhausted almost every activity she could think of to avoid thinking about things. She'd watched all her DVDs, skimmed all her unread books, and done all of the miscellaneous chores around the house that never got done. She'd even ventured out into the daytime world – the bookstore, the specialty markets she favored, the electronics/DVD/CD/everything-you-could-possibly-want store. She'd even slept, pretty well in fact, the first couple of days. She stared at the offending notebook, knowing she was going to have to deal with that before she could sleep any more.
She'd been surprised at how long he'd held her hand…not to mention the fact he'd done it at all. She'd been too upset to notice, like she usually did, any of the subtle clues in his expression that clued her in on the fact she was making him uncomfortable. At first she refused to tell him anything. She'd tried to be nice about it – it was Grissom, after all, and she just couldn't throw any sarcastic or bitchy comments at him to make him leave. She figured his emotions would surface, or hers would finally make him uncomfortable, and he'd run away like he usually did.
He didn't, though. He waited her out, speaking softy but firmly, and when he ran out of words or she refused to respond, he played solitaire on her coffee table. She stared at him, but he just raised his eyebrow infuriatingly at her. That cycle went on for an hour, at least. She couldn't believe he just sat there. She wasn't sure, either, if he was doing it out of a sense of professional obligation or if he actually cared, but she finally decided he must care at least a little bit, and she was tired.
When she started crying, she was hardly paying any attention to him anymore. The next thing she knew he was grasping her hand, but instead of holding it awkwardly like he had that night at the police station, his grip was firm. He didn't let go, either, not even when she'd calmed down. He didn't let go for a long time.
They had talked for quite awhile. After she'd told him the details of her father's death, she was appalled at herself.
"I'm sorry." she murmured. "As if I hadn't complicated your life enough, making you uncomfortable around me and wreaking havoc at work, now you find out I'm a basket case."
"Don't be ludicrous, Sara. You wouldn't have gotten this far with the accomplishments you've made despite the circumstances. You've never struck me as the self-pitying type, so I don't know why you'd think that would be my perception of you."
Her lip trembled, and she stared at the floor. Grissom mentally kicked himself.
"I'm just not good at this." he sighed. "But I want to try." He waited for her to look at him. He squeezed her hand, and she raised her eyes. "I want to try, if you'll let me."
"What I meant to say," he continued, "is that when I think of you, strong is one of the first adjectives that come to mind. There is no way I would ever think of you as a basket case."
"I don't want you to see me as damaged goods, Grissom. I don't want anyone to see me that way." she said, a little defiantly.
"I realize I have a mind-blowing lack of communication skills, but there is no chance of that. Just bear with me." he replied. She almost smiled then.
"I'll miss work." She said at one point. "I'm not sure what I'll do."
Grissom took a deep breath. He had made it this far. He had finally reached out to her. It wasn't exactly the romantic opportunity he had hoped for, but he had come, not just because the thought of Sara leaving sent him into a familiar and gut-wrenching panic, but also because he had sensed something was different this time. The case, her unusual and public hostility towards Catherine, the defiance she'd not even tried to curb with Ecklie…she hadn't even spoken to anyone before she'd left. Greg had been around, and so had Warrick. She was gone before they even heard the first bit of gossip. It had all screamed meltdown, and when he saw the photographs from the hospitals she'd been using to find one of the victims, he had a sinking feeling that some of his suspicions about Sara's demons were going to be confirmed.
He hung around long enough to listen to Ecklie sputter his ultimatum. He realized he honestly felt he had nothing to lose anymore, and he left.
"Let me deal with work." he told Sara.
"How, Grissom? Ecklie wants me gone. Catherine will probably never forgive me, either."
"If I can convince Ecklie to let you come back, do you still want to?" he asked. "More importantly, Sara, if you come back, do you think you can make a fresh start?"
She bit her lip, and Grissom waited anxiously. "I'll help you, Sara. In fact, I insist on it. I'll do whatever I can. I'll watch out for you. But you have to let me, and you have to let me know what's going on. Last time I left you to deal with it on your own, and now I'm feeling really guilty for that."
"I can't let you risk your job for me, Grissom. That's everything to you." She shook her head. She couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth.
"It's not everything lately. And it's even less now." He paused while they both considered that; Sara now not believing what was coming out of his mouth, and Grissom wondering if she had any idea that he'd finally realized work just wasn't an excuse where she was concerned, anymore. She was looking at him with a strange mixture of suspicion and amazement.
"Do you trust me?" he said softly. "I know you probably don't, in some ways, and that's my fault, but can you trust me in this, and talk to me?" He was quaking inside.
"Yes." she said firmly, after a moment. I want to, she thought. I have to.
"Then let me deal with it." She watched his face, looking for a sign that he was relieved she wasn't quitting the lab, or that he was being an obligated boss. But his gaze was impenetrable.
"I'll go back and see what I can accomplish with Ecklie." Grissom said. "But Sara, I'm much more concerned about why this happened, not how to fix it."
"I know." she murmured, staring at the floor again.
"Sara…I'm not lecturing, I'm not advising…I want to help you…you get that, don't you?"
She sighed and looked at him. "I hear you. I'm just not sure if I believe it or not. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but that's just the way I feel."
She could tell it hurt anyway. His eyes clouded and he looked away from her for a moment, out the window.
Finally, he spoke, slowly and with several long pauses. She watched the struggle in his eyes, how nervous he was.
"You have every right to distrust me. I'm just asking for you to give me a chance to help you with the anger and pain you have at what happened to you. Then, maybe I'll have a chance to earn your forgiveness." He paused, taking considerable time to try and figure out what to say. To get the courage to say it. Finally he looked back at her.
"I am so sorry, and angry and upset, about what you've told me today. I'm not even sure how to process it yet. The thought of you going through that…" he faltered. "…it makes me crazy, Sara." He took another deep breath, and looked away from her wide eyes. It was taking everything he had to get the words out. Why does this have to be so hard, he wondered.
"I'm honored and grateful, that you chose to tell me, in spite of everything. I want to help. I know I can't make it go away…but I want to take the power away from all those memories so they don't haunt you anymore. I mean, I know you have to be the one to do that, but…I think that's the only way you'll be able to escape the hold they have on you. There has to be a way to do that, and I want to help you figure out how."
He finally got the courage to look at her again, and found her staring at him still. Her eyes looked like the tears were welling up in them again, and he was momentarily confused, but he forced himself to finish anyway.
"Give me a chance at redemption, Sara. I can start by being your friend, and helping you with this."
She couldn't help it, she started crying again. Grissom looked like he was about to come unhinged with worry. She forced herself to stop, and wiped her eyes furiously.
"Don't mind me, I'm just an emotional puddle of nerves." She told him. That was the understatement of the year, she thought, but she could hardly digest the fact that Grissom had just basically asked for her forgiveness, for a chance to be her friend and maybe more. She'd told him her secret, and not only had he responded with support, he had opened up to her as well.
She reached out and touched his arm, very briefly. "OK." she said, trying to sound strong and resolute. And because her brain was in total shock, and she absolutely couldn't say anything else.
"OK?" he asked, still worried.
"Yes. I want to get over this. I miss who I used to be. You feel free to tell me whatever you're thinking. Bug me." She smiled at her terrible joke, and he rolled his eyes. Inside though, he was shouting with relief.
"I will bug you. You'll probably get mad at me, but I'm not letting you shove this back into a dark corner somewhere, Sara."
"OK." She said.
"Thank you." He said, so softly she almost didn't hear him.
"I guess I should go in to work, then." he finally said, after awhile. "I'll deal with Ecklie. Will you try to get some rest? I'll call you as soon as I can after shift, and let you know what's going on."
She nodded. He stood up, and she walked him to the door. She opened it, and turned to face him.
"Thanks," She said softly. "for already starting to be a friend."
He blinked, and then smiled shyly, for the first time that day. "You're welcome. Bye, Sara."
Grissom managed to get to his car before he started shaking. He wished madly for a cigarette, and then decided he was absolutely not going to think about his personal feelings until he had gone to the lab and dealt with Ecklie. It was time to play hardball. He could fall apart later. He did it on cases all the time, it was the least he could do for her.
Sara went inside, actually managed a nap, and then waited for him to call.
